Post deleted by TifferNY

TifferNY, is he still lying? That is the most important thing. How long have you been married? Is he remorseful? Does he want your marriage to work? Is he having no contact AT ALL with his exGF? NC is the next most important thing, if not the most important thing. Is his exGF married?

Sorry for all the questions, but they'll help us help you.

My H forgave my 18 month PA (with my high school b/f) which happened after we'd been married 28 years.

We've now been married 32 years, coming up for 33 and we're very happy now.

I don't know, because I was on the other side, but I imagine Plan A is very, very hard to do when you're angry, hurt and bewildered. My H was only sure he didn't want to lose me, he started to "Plan A" me as soon as he found about the A.

Post deleted by TifferNY

A PA is a physical affair. Sex.

OK, so he's still in contact. Well, you won't work until he has NC. Also, men, particularly, think if there's no sex involved it's not an affair. If he wants you to work he's going to have to do quite a bit of work on his own. Making you feel safe, making you feel you can trust him. That's what "wanting us to work" means. And he doesn't get that at all. People involved in A's (and he is) can't see a thing, they are completely blind to how they are behaving.

How is your communication right now? My guess is that you're very angry and you're letting him know you're angry. He won't listen to an angry wife. He'll listen to a wife who will talk to him and listen to him. That's all part of Plan A.

Without him doing any work towards being "you" again, it's going to be up to you to make him see what he'd be missing if he left you. That's Plan A and it's freaking hard work.

Any kids?

However, right now is critical for Plan A because he is still deciding between you and her, especially since she will soon be a "free woman".

Now is the time to PLAN A.

You CAN do it, by realizing that this is the only way to SAVE your husband from the evil forces of an affair. He's like a drug addict, his brain is literally manufacturing a dangerous cocktail of chemicals every time he's in contact with her. Would you do anything you could to saye him from heroin or crack addiction?? You MUST see it like that, it's exactly like that, and that's where you'll get the strength to save him from himself.

Post deleted by TifferNY

If you can not be nice to him..

what is your plan then...

plan A is alll about drawing the WS away from the OP towards you...

by engaging
enticing
charming
and
communicating

what have you done about exposure...

how did you find out...
how does he know the OW
is she a friend of yours also..

ARK

Hi Tiff:
I have been in Plan A for a couple of months. Unfortunately, I spend the previous five months LBing (love busting), crying, weeping, begging, UGH. Who'd WANT to come back to THAT when there's this happy, calm OW (other woman...in my case I call her RT). That's sort of the point of Plan A in a nutshell.

In my case, I was such a wreck that I think I needed to get some of that out of my system before I could even CONSIDER Plan A...I needed to grow as a person and gain some strength for myself before I could do it. So if you have the presence of mind to go in this direction NOW...GOOD FOR YOU!

A few questions:
Could you give more stats...how long has the A been going on?
Are you SURE there's no sex? How much snooping have you done?
Do you have a copy of Surviving An Affair (SAA) that you can buy from this website? (I recommend it because it gives you a really nice synopsis of everything that everyone here talks about, AND it gives you some level of understanding)

It's good that he's in the home. That gives you lots of time to Plan A him. IT IS HARD. First you need to understand what Plan A is and what Plan A isn't.

I recommend that you go to the "just found out" section and read up on the first few posts. You will learn A LOT, and you will begin to see that you are NOT ALONE.

You said that you love him. That's where you start...because you need to assume that he's deep into his A, and deep into what we call the FOG. It's a circumstance in which the WH (wayward husband) can't see anything REAL, lacks logic, cares nothing for the consequences of his behavior.

So if you accept that he's in this fog, that he's been abducted by aliens...it's easier to Plan A. Swallow the urge to scream at him or do anything that would drive him into the arms of the OW. When you need to vent...DO IT HERE. (don't tell WH about this site, BTW...DANGER!!!) Be everything he ever wanted.

The second critical element is to EXPOSE the A. His parents...his friends. There are lots of threads here about exposure.

Start readin' girlfriend. You are in the right place.

((hugs))

LilSis

Post deleted by TifferNY

First of all...ark is one of the real pros here, so you should feel lucky that she's on your side and is here to help.

Start reading. When you find out that what you are feeling is what everyone feels, I think you'll feel better. WE ARE ALL HURTING. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.

I did it, and it was a physical affair with a slut from 20 years before who had interfered in our marriage back then.

The Pain is literally unbearable. But you find the strength and you do it, because yours is the true and honorable love. Not some phoney lurve with some homewrecking husband snatching bimbo: [color:"brown"]"I don't like my husband, let me try yours."[/color]

Post deleted by TifferNY

tiffer..

people plan A inspite of the pain...and because of the pain...

plan a gives energy and action to all those horrible emotions instead of leaving you stagnated in your pain and in cyclic thought process....

going to bed after and getting up after is avoidance...
it feeds in to the junkie mind of WS that
the wife doesn't care about them
the wife doesn't do anything with for them
we live like room-mates


plan A is all about contact busting...
by re-engaging and filling the WS mind with reality of what they say about the marriage being empty isn't quite so true...

we can't take away the pain..
but we can offer a way to channel to it..

ARK

Post deleted by TifferNY

You don't have to have sex! But you can do everything else. Don't do anything that will make you ultimately LB. Girl you have a long road ahead. God 20yrs ago? What's with that?

Right now you will want to talk with your about your M, the A and your R. Stay away from that right now. It will only make you look like your nagging. Smile, be positive and upbeat. It's hard, but can be done.

Come here to vent to us not to your H

Just wanted to add my support that you can do it (plan A), even when it seems like you JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE TO. You weren't the one who made the mess, but now you have to change?? It's a very hard thing to do, but necessary if you want your marriage to be better.

You know the saying, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." I try to look at Plan A that way. If I LB like I always have (because I looked at my needs instead of his), then he'll go back to doing what he was doing (the A). But if I totally focus on him and his needs, then where else would he rather be than with me? It has worked for us from the day I started Plan A. Of course, I didn't know anything about "plan A" when I decided to approach it like that. I just decided to stop being selfish and start making my H happy.

I agree with M2L, try not to nag or stay in "serious talk" mode. The more you focus on his needs, the happier and safer he will feel with you. LBing just gives him the justification he needs to talk to someone else. Not right, but a WS will probably see any LB as justification.

The OM in my A was from 35 years ago. It's very, very common and "old flame" A's are particularly nasty for both the BS and the WS. The BS wonders if the flame has always burned and the WS already "knows" the OP very well which leads to a lot more entitlement and a sense of "well, it's not some Tom, [censored] or Harry I've picked up from somewhere." (In the foggy WS brain, this somehow seems rational thinking at the time).

I saw the OM twice during my marriage before the A. Once was outside our kids preschool about 25 years ago. It was a "gosh, fancy seeing you, how are you doing?" meeting that ended right then and there. The next time was 20 years later outside my office. Another polite "How are you doing?" meeting which ended right there.

The third time 4 years ago was at a funeral of a mutual friend, to which the OM invited me. He knew where I worked (meeting outside my office) and rang me. I told my H all that I would be going to the funeral with old b/f, he wasn't thrilled, but couldn't see the harm.

My last words to my coworkers as I left for the funeral were "For goodness sake, we're married mature adults, what can happen?"

Post deleted by TifferNY

Tiff, when we were all newly marrieds my H and I saw a bit of the OM and his wife. I can honestly say my feelings for him then were zilch. They moved away to Canada and we all lost touch. When they got back and I saw him that one time when our children were very small I can honestly say my feelings for him were zilch.

20 years later when I met him outside my office, yes, I went running back into the office and said "OMG, I've just seen an old b/f". Workmates commented on my reaction (unusual and FAR too excited). At the time the A started, my H was in an extremely deep depression, I was approaching middle age (48 at the time), the OM made a concentrated effort to rekindle things and that's when it all happened.

I'd always kept photos of the OM and me from when we were a teenage couple and my H always wondered why I did. I don't know why I did either, I just didn't want to let them go.
BTW we burned all those photos in a ritual burning soon after dday.

So that very long answer is yes, to a certain degree I'd always had him in the back of my mind and thought about him occasionally, but never to the degree that I'd ever want to seek him out or rekindle anything.

Post deleted by TifferNY

The first part here is great, the second part...where you go play cards with your neighbors...no so great. I'm ASSUMING, here, that you went alone and left WH home alone? if not, please disregard the following! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Part of Plan A is a LOT of re-thinking how you do things. While going off to play cards with friends might be a totally normal thing for you to do, you really need to change things up...with yourself. Instead of meeting your own need to recreation, companionship, etc., take a VERY CLOSE look at what HIS needs are...and USE THIS TIME to meet some of those needs.

When I first came here and was trying to start Plan A, everyone was telling me to STRETCH. Go outside your comfort zone. Do things differently. Get your WH to notice you. Meet HIS needs, putting them over my own.

I know it stinks at first feeling like you are indulging this man who hurt you SO badly...but that's what Plan A is...and the VERY HARDEST PART is at the beginning, when you are trying to figure it out. When you are resistant.

But once you get going, once you start opening up, you begin to realize new things about yourself...you GROW. VERY, VERY COOL.

Have you read the stuff on ENs? Do you know what his ENs are? That's a good place to start.

You are doing well...it's great that you've been so receptive to what people are telling you here. Keep doing this, and I guarantee that you will begin to feel your balance again.

Is there anything the two of you could do while H is on Vac? Even a short trip, overnight or two in nearby hotel? Anything to spend qlt time with him and help you two bond?

If you can't get away, can you take a day or two off to do things with him? A day window shopping, lunch, drive thru a few new car lots and dream (H, we would look good in that new car), movie and then dinner before heading home?

Oh, it was good that you saw your LB statement. Next time you can catch yourself before it comes out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Does she call him on your land line? Does she email him on a yahoo or hotmail account? I would call up the phone company and see if they can block a certain number. If not change his/your number. Block her email address on his email account. You can enforce your boundaries without LBing.

Post deleted by TifferNY

What would his work think about him using his work phone and computer to carry on an affair. I know most companies have a policy restricting personal use of company property. You might just want to give them a heads up. That is the stick of plan A.

Cut off all access to the OW.

Post deleted by TifferNY

Post deleted by TifferNY

TNY:

I will start with this:



Are these your Emotional Needs or his?

The house can be trashed, YOU can be in sweats, and he just wants a beer and talk about the football game.

Don't you see? You meet his needs, whatever they are.

And having sex? If you feel betrayed, back off on this for a while. You do not want to feel used. But, if it is one of his EN's, you need to work through this. Please review the info on the website and in SAA. Get it back from your G/F Let her buy her own copy.

And after your evening, you ask the next morning:



You SHOULD have asked:

While I was playing cards last night, I thought of you being here alone, and I wanted to ask, "What would you have liked to do?"

Because he is going to agree anyway to the first question. BUT you make him give you an answer with the second. And involve him. BIG Difference.