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#1823034 02/08/07 11:56 PM
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TifferNY #1823035 02/09/07 12:11 AM
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TifferNY, is he still lying? That is the most important thing. How long have you been married? Is he remorseful? Does he want your marriage to work? Is he having no contact AT ALL with his exGF? NC is the next most important thing, if not the most important thing. Is his exGF married?

Sorry for all the questions, but they'll help us help you.

My H forgave my 18 month PA (with my high school b/f) which happened after we'd been married 28 years.

We've now been married 32 years, coming up for 33 and we're very happy now.

I don't know, because I was on the other side, but I imagine Plan A is very, very hard to do when you're angry, hurt and bewildered. My H was only sure he didn't want to lose me, he started to "Plan A" me as soon as he found about the A.

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TifferNY #1823037 02/09/07 12:25 AM
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A PA is a physical affair. Sex.

OK, so he's still in contact. Well, you won't work until he has NC. Also, men, particularly, think if there's no sex involved it's not an affair. If he wants you to work he's going to have to do quite a bit of work on his own. Making you feel safe, making you feel you can trust him. That's what "wanting us to work" means. And he doesn't get that at all. People involved in A's (and he is) can't see a thing, they are completely blind to how they are behaving.

How is your communication right now? My guess is that you're very angry and you're letting him know you're angry. He won't listen to an angry wife. He'll listen to a wife who will talk to him and listen to him. That's all part of Plan A.

Without him doing any work towards being "you" again, it's going to be up to you to make him see what he'd be missing if he left you. That's Plan A and it's freaking hard work.

Any kids?

KiwiJ #1823038 02/09/07 04:18 AM
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However, right now is critical for Plan A because he is still deciding between you and her, especially since she will soon be a "free woman".

Now is the time to PLAN A.

You CAN do it, by realizing that this is the only way to SAVE your husband from the evil forces of an affair. He's like a drug addict, his brain is literally manufacturing a dangerous cocktail of chemicals every time he's in contact with her. Would you do anything you could to saye him from heroin or crack addiction?? You MUST see it like that, it's exactly like that, and that's where you'll get the strength to save him from himself.


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

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TifferNY #1823040 02/09/07 06:57 AM
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If you can not be nice to him..

what is your plan then...

plan A is alll about drawing the WS away from the OP towards you...

by engaging
enticing
charming
and
communicating

what have you done about exposure...

how did you find out...
how does he know the OW
is she a friend of yours also..

ARK

TifferNY #1823041 02/09/07 07:18 AM
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Hi Tiff:
I have been in Plan A for a couple of months. Unfortunately, I spend the previous five months LBing (love busting), crying, weeping, begging, UGH. Who'd WANT to come back to THAT when there's this happy, calm OW (other woman...in my case I call her RT). That's sort of the point of Plan A in a nutshell.

In my case, I was such a wreck that I think I needed to get some of that out of my system before I could even CONSIDER Plan A...I needed to grow as a person and gain some strength for myself before I could do it. So if you have the presence of mind to go in this direction NOW...GOOD FOR YOU!

A few questions:
Could you give more stats...how long has the A been going on?
Are you SURE there's no sex? How much snooping have you done?
Do you have a copy of Surviving An Affair (SAA) that you can buy from this website? (I recommend it because it gives you a really nice synopsis of everything that everyone here talks about, AND it gives you some level of understanding)

It's good that he's in the home. That gives you lots of time to Plan A him. IT IS HARD. First you need to understand what Plan A is and what Plan A isn't.

I recommend that you go to the "just found out" section and read up on the first few posts. You will learn A LOT, and you will begin to see that you are NOT ALONE.

You said that you love him. That's where you start...because you need to assume that he's deep into his A, and deep into what we call the FOG. It's a circumstance in which the WH (wayward husband) can't see anything REAL, lacks logic, cares nothing for the consequences of his behavior.

So if you accept that he's in this fog, that he's been abducted by aliens...it's easier to Plan A. Swallow the urge to scream at him or do anything that would drive him into the arms of the OW. When you need to vent...DO IT HERE. (don't tell WH about this site, BTW...DANGER!!!) Be everything he ever wanted.

The second critical element is to EXPOSE the A. His parents...his friends. There are lots of threads here about exposure.

Start readin' girlfriend. You are in the right place.

((hugs))

LilSis

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TifferNY #1823043 02/09/07 07:36 AM
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duh! thats why im here! i need to find a way to put those feelings of hurt and betrayal aside before i can "be engaging, enticing, charming and communicate"
First of all...ark is one of the real pros here, so you should feel lucky that she's on your side and is here to help.

Start reading. When you find out that what you are feeling is what everyone feels, I think you'll feel better. WE ARE ALL HURTING. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE.

TifferNY #1823044 02/09/07 07:37 AM
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I did it, and it was a physical affair with a slut from 20 years before who had interfered in our marriage back then.

The Pain is literally unbearable. But you find the strength and you do it, because yours is the true and honorable love. Not some phoney lurve with some homewrecking husband snatching bimbo: [color:"brown"]"I don't like my husband, let me try yours."[/color]


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

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TifferNY #1823046 02/09/07 08:03 AM
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tiffer..

people plan A inspite of the pain...and because of the pain...

plan a gives energy and action to all those horrible emotions instead of leaving you stagnated in your pain and in cyclic thought process....

going to bed after and getting up after is avoidance...
it feeds in to the junkie mind of WS that
the wife doesn't care about them
the wife doesn't do anything with for them
we live like room-mates


plan A is all about contact busting...
by re-engaging and filling the WS mind with reality of what they say about the marriage being empty isn't quite so true...

we can't take away the pain..
but we can offer a way to channel to it..

ARK

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TifferNY #1823048 02/09/07 04:05 PM
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You don't have to have sex! But you can do everything else. Don't do anything that will make you ultimately LB. Girl you have a long road ahead. God 20yrs ago? What's with that?


_____________

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Right now you will want to talk with your about your M, the A and your R. Stay away from that right now. It will only make you look like your nagging. Smile, be positive and upbeat. It's hard, but can be done.

Come here to vent to us not to your H


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Just wanted to add my support that you can do it (plan A), even when it seems like you JUST SHOULDN'T HAVE TO. You weren't the one who made the mess, but now you have to change?? It's a very hard thing to do, but necessary if you want your marriage to be better.

You know the saying, "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." I try to look at Plan A that way. If I LB like I always have (because I looked at my needs instead of his), then he'll go back to doing what he was doing (the A). But if I totally focus on him and his needs, then where else would he rather be than with me? It has worked for us from the day I started Plan A. Of course, I didn't know anything about "plan A" when I decided to approach it like that. I just decided to stop being selfish and start making my H happy.

I agree with M2L, try not to nag or stay in "serious talk" mode. The more you focus on his needs, the happier and safer he will feel with you. LBing just gives him the justification he needs to talk to someone else. Not right, but a WS will probably see any LB as justification.


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God 20yrs ago? What's with that?


The OM in my A was from 35 years ago. It's very, very common and "old flame" A's are particularly nasty for both the BS and the WS. The BS wonders if the flame has always burned and the WS already "knows" the OP very well which leads to a lot more entitlement and a sense of "well, it's not some Tom, [censored] or Harry I've picked up from somewhere." (In the foggy WS brain, this somehow seems rational thinking at the time).

I saw the OM twice during my marriage before the A. Once was outside our kids preschool about 25 years ago. It was a "gosh, fancy seeing you, how are you doing?" meeting that ended right then and there. The next time was 20 years later outside my office. Another polite "How are you doing?" meeting which ended right there.

The third time 4 years ago was at a funeral of a mutual friend, to which the OM invited me. He knew where I worked (meeting outside my office) and rang me. I told my H all that I would be going to the funeral with old b/f, he wasn't thrilled, but couldn't see the harm.

My last words to my coworkers as I left for the funeral were "For goodness sake, we're married mature adults, what can happen?"

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TifferNY #1823053 02/09/07 05:48 PM
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Tiff, when we were all newly marrieds my H and I saw a bit of the OM and his wife. I can honestly say my feelings for him then were zilch. They moved away to Canada and we all lost touch. When they got back and I saw him that one time when our children were very small I can honestly say my feelings for him were zilch.

20 years later when I met him outside my office, yes, I went running back into the office and said "OMG, I've just seen an old b/f". Workmates commented on my reaction (unusual and FAR too excited). At the time the A started, my H was in an extremely deep depression, I was approaching middle age (48 at the time), the OM made a concentrated effort to rekindle things and that's when it all happened.

I'd always kept photos of the OM and me from when we were a teenage couple and my H always wondered why I did. I don't know why I did either, I just didn't want to let them go.
BTW we burned all those photos in a ritual burning soon after dday.

So that very long answer is yes, to a certain degree I'd always had him in the back of my mind and thought about him occasionally, but never to the degree that I'd ever want to seek him out or rekindle anything.

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