Just a general question to get everyones feelings on this. My wife has been having an affair with a married man, I've known about phone conversation for 8 months now and full affair details for 3 months, teh affair has been going on for four years (ouch!!). Well during this time The OMW and I have begun a friendship of course to compare notes about what is happening as we both want to make our marriages work. I believe the affair between my wife and this man has come to an end. But my wife is having a very difficult time dealing with the fact that I am having this friendship with the OMW, we have went out once together and were talking a few times a week on the phone, mostly about the affair adn comparing notes. Should I be concerned that my wife is so upset about this friendship? Is it maybe a clue that the affair is still going on? She appears to not want her and I comparing notes. Just an FYI the OMW has filed for divorce recently but still calls for information.

Be careful, are you getting emotionally attached to OMW? Personally I don't think meeting in person is necessary.

Your relationship with the OMW should be strickly business. Nothing more and only if the two WS are still having contact. Otherwise no more talking to OMW.

Your are M and should not be having a close relationship with another woman anyway.

Set your own boundaires today with yourself and OMW.

What leads you to say this?

Well my wife has told me she has not been talking to him. I have no proof that she isn't still seeing or talking to him. Just instinct.

Boundaries are set and it is strickly business. But, why is my wife so pissed??

Shes mad for many reasons.
One, if true, the A is over and the "fun is done". It's no fun when the A stops.

Two, she has to blame someone for all this mess and hurt feelings. WS hate to blame themselves so she will zero in on you. Don't give her anything to use against you.

Three, maybe you are/were getting too close to the OMW and your wife doesn't like it one bit. I have seen it where the WS gets very mad when the BS makes new friends especially of the opposite sex.

Four, you wife maybe still be in contact with OM and is lying to you about it. They do seem to keep up the A longer than you may think. They go deeper underground with contact.

Thanks, Maybe2late

Thats pretty much what I thought but wanted confirmation, I may have been getting to be too good of friends with OMW, that did make my wife very mad, but I did cut it off. We went out the one time because OMW wanted to get out of the house and show her husband she was trying to move on. Probably a big mistake on my part. Got to say it's kinda funny when the shoe is on the other foot and the cheaters react the way they do. Well learning from my mistakes everyday. My wife still talking about maybe leaving even though the A maybe over, she states that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore and needs to sort somethings out. Wife has been in and out of the house several times in the last 8 months. Well Thanks again for your help.

ME BH 40 - WW 40
1 kid 13 years old
DDAY April 13th
Trying to recover, hope is fading fast.

Before you end contact with the OMW, I would VERIFY that the affair has ended. Are you snooping on her and watching her every move?

Oh, so she does not want to work on the marriage?

I'll be honest with you I am not sure whether she wants to try and make the marriage work or not. She is so confused and angry all the time, it is very tough to talk to her. She also uses our neighbors house (two gay women) as an escape from me. I work from home alot and she stays gone a majority of the time, when I'm home.

Also very tough to watch her every move as she is a flight attendant and is gone often. She is off the next 7 days so we'll see what happens.

Contact with the OMW is still an option, although my wife says she does not want to open up to me about anything because she thinks I go back and tell the OMW everything we discuss. I still think this maybe a red flag that the A is deep undercover now.

The OMW has filed for divorce but still wants to follow his/her every move. Well GTG thanks for your input.

Why don't you turn up your snooping in other ways, and quit with the OMW? ARE you doing any other snooping? I'm not sure that the OMW is going to be privy to much useful info for you anymore, anyway...esp. if she is divorcing him.

surv, what kind of snooping do you have in place? Does she have a laptop that you could place a keylogger on? Do you look at her cell phone bill?

I do think the main reason she wants you to stop talking to OMW is because she may have gone further underground. I would continue to compare notes [but not date her!] but just keep it to yourself.

I have no way of snooping on her at this time, she does not have a laptop and I do not have access to her cell phone detail. I really am not sure what to do now, except wait and see. I will continue to talk to OMW from time to time. The OMW has filed for divorce but I think that was her way of actually trying to scare her husband because she still wants to keep tabs on him. I have not heard from OMW for a week now, so I am hoping no news is good news. The kicker here is the OM is a Pilot and can call from a calling card any time without his wife knowing, so snooping is impossible with these two.

surviving, did you expose the affair? What about the OMW? Did she expose it? Does the airline have rules about workplace affairs?

S40:

You state this:



Not so. Mel can help, as well as others.

You can put a voice activated microphone in her car, and listen to what's happening.

Why do you not have access to her cellphone records?

Being a flight attendent offers ample time for the A to thrive. Haven't you exposed this to the airline? Do they work together?

My A lasted 4.5 years. So I know how to hide. Your wife is a rookie.

Have you Plan A'ed yet? Do you know what that is?

Now on to you:

What are your Wifes's top three Emotional Needs?

What are your's?

And time to establish some boundaries.

One of them could be that she stays in the house.

No going to the neighbors house. Certainly, they are offering her huge amounts of emotional support to your W. Much that is probably not in your favor. Just an assumption on my part.

Have you attempted to have 15 hours a week of Undivided Attention with her?

Order His Needs, Her Needs, (HNHN) and Surviving An Affair (SAA) from this website today. Don't go to the bookstore, they may be out of stock and then you are losing valuable time.

And, stick around. Your story is unique, but it follows the same script.

Yes, the OMW did expose the affair, but it still continued. I have kept it more quite, but many of our friends know as we had common friends with the OM. Exposing this to her work would be a waste of time, people in her business are mostly single and could really careless, matter of fact I bet most of her work buddies already know. I doubt that either my wifes airline or the OM work have any rules concerning affairs, since this is not a work related affair.

I would rather lose her than go around exposing it to everyone, just my feelings.

S, why would you not expose the affair if it might help you save your marriage? Affairs THRIVE on secrecy and exposure is one of the most potent tools you have to kill it. NOT exposing the affair only makes you an ENABLER. Exposure is ruinous to affairs. It is like turning on the lights in a crack house and bringing in an audience. Who wants to smoke crack when everyone is watching?

This affair has been allowed to go on this long because it has been KEPT SECRET. Did you know that?

Do you want to save your marriage?

surviving, will you go read this thread: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3014240

She will not give me access to her phone records I have had them in the past.

As far as keeping her in the house, it is tough to cage a wild animal, and that is what I have been dealing with. Things do appear to be breaking, as her attitude is changing. I will do the best I can to snoop, mic is a good idea. She would leave in a minute if I make demands concerning cell phone detail and keeping her in the house so that is not a good idea. Demands can chase a person very quickly, especially somebody as confused and hurt as her.

I do need to try plan A again need to try harder it is tough to stay with.

Just an FYI - my wifes affair has been going on for four years so she is a pro at hiding things and the OM is even better than her.

And you, my friend, have become a PRO at enabling her affair. Do you realize that? By keeping her secret for her, you have allowed her affair to thrive. She has no motivation to stop.

Plan A does not stand for appeasement, but rather, doing everything in your power to bust her affair.

Read this:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

I feel that everyone that needs to know already knows. Most of her family knows, so I really do not need to take it much further.

Thanks

Do her parents know? Do his parents know? Has the workplace been notified? Who notified all those people and do they have the correct story? Has your son been told the truth?

Melody, I am not sure if my son knows, I have told him all the recent problems are not because of me. Both sets of parents know, I see no point in exposing this to her workplace as it is not a work related incident. The OMW has told his boss as she gained access to his phone records through him. Like I said before knowing her work environment it would do no good to expose it to them it is not even a factor as I said everyone who needs to know, knows. Thanks

S, ok, so you have spent 2 pages telling us you can do nothing. You can't snoop. You can't expose. [it will do no good] Just what are you willing to do to help yourself? Is there anything you would be willing to do?

Surviving:

This is going to pi$$ Mel off.

But She is right.

What do you want to do?

Exposure will do more to destroy the A than anything.

Yet, you act like it doesn't matter.

Ok.

THEN WHAT IS YOUR PLAN?

Your WW has been doing this for 4 years.

You have known for 8 months.

And nothing is changing.

So, that plan isn't working. Can't you see that?

Let us help you come up with another plan that can lead to success. YOUR SUCCESS.

If you want to put exposure on the backburner, you can. But it will come back to bite you. Depending on how you exposed controls as well. Your exposure may not have been as effective as it could have been.

She is still in your house, that is a huge plus. It makes all the things that we can help you with around here easier to accomplish.

So, once again, what are her top three emotional needs?

And what are yours?

Lets start there.

And create a Plan to stop this other man from [email]F@@king[/email] your W.

oh crap, I better rethink my position; he aqrees with me! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Maybe I have been a bit misunderstood, I have said it is exposed.

S, forgive me if I have misunderstood you. Has this affair, in fact, been exposed to their employer? Were both sets of parents informed by truthful parties who gave them all the facts? The same for siblings, close friends? Was your son told the truth about her affair?

I have asked my son if he wants to know what is going on between me and my wife and he says no, so I stop at that.

Lets get past exposure, what else can I do. I am dealing with a very irrational person at the moment that is impossible to live with.

You will be giving up one of the very BEST tools if you want to move past exposure.

Look at the # of posts next to Mel's name. Think she might know what she is talking about? We could bring in every BM member and they will tell you EXPOSRE to everyone.

Surviving:

We can come back to that.


Lets start with Emotional Needs:

What are yours?

What are hers?

There is a link to this info in the box just to the right here----->

Read though that.

Then order His Needs, Her Needs. Survivng An Affair, as well.

That will give you a greater understanding of all the things that you have been doing wrong in the past.

Does not justify your Wifes Affair. Just gives you aome context to the dynamics inside your marriage.

My reading on this website gave me enough strengh to end my A two days later. Something I never had before.

Are you ready?

Bumping it

LG

I guess the biggest issue i'm facing now, is that we can't stop fighting, she is obviously still going through depression since the breakup with OM, she says she is not sure she wants our marriage to work so how do I go about dealing with all of that and not blowing up from time to time. I realize this is all in plan A but is easier said than done. She is not willing to seek any type of consoling for us or herself. I would actually like her to move out and move to a plan B but finances for both of us will be a problem. And please get off the exposure thing it has been done as I said. Thanks (-:

Glad your back.

Yes we can move on for now.

No plan B at this point. Your wife is lost, hurt, confused and doesn't know which end is up at this point. You will have to be the clam in the face of the storm. Hard yes, but it can be done. I did it and let me tell you I'm not that great. LOL

How? Stop LB (blowing up) with her. Who wants to come back to THAT? All LB does is push her away and lets her say to herself "see, my H is an Ahole and I deserve better so my A was fine." Don't give her that.

Be "the" man, her man and a mans man. Limit your R, A and M talk. When your around her be happy, upbeat and fun. Hard? Yes, but can be done.

Are you spending 15 or more hours per week doing things together. Boat show, play, care shows and the like?

Thanks for that I will try harder, if I haven't already drove her away, i am LBing all the time. It is really tough to spend 15 hours a week with this women, she works in the airline business 6 days a week and gone from home. Well she is home this week, will try harder to get along, actually just has a decent phone conversation with her. We have dinner planned for Valentines day tommorrow, will try my best to be good. Thanks Again.

S40,

My wife changed jobs to get away from the OM. Also gave her more time to spend with me.

Is there a way for your wife to change shifts to require less days working? Can she can jobs at all? Someting in her field, but less time at work?

she is not willing to do that, she does not work with OM, but it is possible they could run into each other from time to time, her work rotates a 6 day on and 4 day off schedule. Good thing is it will slow down for her after March and she will be home most of the time.

S40:


Is that a Volvo? LOL


What are your plans for Valentines Day Lunch?

Flowers, Candy? Big smiles? Sweet talk?

Certainly no lovebusters..

She may have them, but you can no longer take the bait.

Seriously. Because it fuels the anger/resentment/entitlement of the Wayward Spouse.

And if you recover this thing, it gives you lots of practice. Because you shouldn't be doing it anyway.

And did you get HNHN? and SAA?

You say you work from home? Sales? IT? Writer? What?

Does it provide enough income for your families needs? What about it's wants? Can it?

Did you provide most of the childcare when your son was younger?

And I still want to know about emotional Needs....

Have you ever ridden a white stallion horse? Could you?

What are your plans for Valentines Day Lunch?

Dinner Plans

Flowers, Candy? Big smiles? Sweet talk?

Flowers a new watch, wine, smiles, and sweet talk no love busters from me, I expect a few from her I will fight them off. she has already told me she was depressed today. (could be a tough night)

And did you get HNHN? and SAA?
No books yet, will order soon or hit the store.

You say you work from home? Sales? IT? Writer? What?
work in IT, only home part time, rest at the office.

Does it provide enough income for your families needs? What about it's wants? Can it?
It supports all of my families needs and wants.

Did you provide most of the childcare when your son was younger?
if you are referring to childcare cost as in day care we never had any. Although I would be the primary provider and her secondary.

working on emotional needs.


Have you ever ridden a white stallion horse? Could you?

odd question, never have, but yes I could Thank You.

Hope I answered most of your questions. Thanks for all your help.

Actually I hope her depression today is a good sign that no contact is taking place, do you feel that may be a good assumption to make??

well just a quick update, WW and I had a good Valentines Day, I have taken the advice of many on this site and am not love busting, although she continues to try to LB herself. She still continues to talk about moving out, I think she is keeping that in her back pocket just in case the other man comes back for her. What a great way for me to have to live pretty tough.

Found out Thursday, OM and WW are still seeing/talking to each other. Informed OMW. WW said she exposed it because she is tired of OM hiding the affair. Sounds like WW wanted to have him to herself. Not sure how much longer I can hang on, my love for her has started to dry up during this, i have been fighting for it for so long. WW now claims the affair is finished, and that they fight all the time. Not sure what to believe anymore, we have been through it twice already in that the OM exposed it to his wife and affair still continued along without stopping. It's just a big crazy mess with no resolution in sight.

Never mind.

S40:

Welcome back!

Give us some more info, Ok!

well my wife has came out and actually appears to be honest, she has told OM to stop calling her, although he is still calling. I am thinking maybe NC could be a possibilty pretty soon, I am hoping that will be a step in the right direction. OM at this point is burning himself because when he calls my wife she tells me and he will need to tell his wife before i do. i'll keep you all posted could be an end to this nightmare soon and hopefully a new beginning.

Well just a quick update, i think NC is still occurring, my WW appears to be very depressed and angry, of course taking her frustration out on me, very tough to deal with seeing your wife like this for another man, just want to tell her to get out. OMW also says NC is a possibility so maybe things are looking up, but it's been less than a week so I am taking a wait and see attitude.

I must be invisible out here i get no responses from you guys(-:. Well anyways with the current breakup of the affair my WW is of course extremely hurt and of course only thinks of her pain, this whole thing is compounded by the fact that she had an abortion (OM baby), last May 1st I found out about this Nov 21st of 2006. She feels everyone is lying to her, as i have lied to try and keep my conversations with OMW secret for spying purposes and of course OM had been lying all the time to both his wife and mine, WW thinks nothing of her lying. I just don't know how to deal with all her emotions as she is taking all her pain out on me. Is this maybe a good time to separate, she is not open to consoling I or M. Just don't know where to go with all of this. Very messy situation

((surviving40))

Very messy indeed! I don't have much to say. Sounds like she is in serious withdrawal. And given all the compromises she made to be with this other man-she is probably feeling like crap.

There are others here who understand withdrawal and can give you lots of help in this.

I just wanted you to know that we're here for you.

S40:

We are not ignoring you, we just don't want to admit that we are past 40. LOL

IF the A is over and NC is established, THEN your WW can begin the process of withdrawal. Until then, all bets are off.

Really.

But you can do the right things as well.

No lovebusters.

Own up to your Lies (really not, but humor her) about talking to OMW. You have that right to talk to OMW, and discuss what WW is doing with her H. In order to END her A. Tell her what you discussed with OMW. Be honest. Can't hurt. Tell her that you never want to talk to OMW again. And if WW doesn't talk to OM, you will never need to speak with OMW again.

Of course she is taking all the pain out on you. Who else does she have? And if you do take the abuse, and indicate to her that you will not act in the same ways you did for 15 years, then she will notice that. And slowy, surely, the venom will disappear. The anger too. Well, her's will, yours will have to be dealt with.

Do you want her back?

If the answer is yes, then you have to make it happen.

So, I have asked you three times about what you think your top 3 EN's are, and what you think your WW's top 3 EN's are.

And you have not answered that.

Have you bought, borrowed or stolen, HNHN and/or SAA?

Give some answers to the following:

I love my Wife because she was......

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

I will love my wife in the future, because she will:

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

And I asked you this, with your response:


Why would you consider it odd?

If you thought you could do ONE THING, that would blow your WW away and make her fall back in love with you, embarrassment be darned, what would it be?

If I rode up with a white charger and swept my BS on to the back of the horse and rode around town for an hour, she would just die in my arms. Her Love Bank would just explode. Killing her instantly. LOL.

So, what would you do?

Today may not be the day to do it. Tommorrow either. But what about two months from now?

I would have loved to propose to my wife that way. Didn't have the cash at that time. But, we need to, as husbands and lovers, prove our love in some outlandish way for our Wives on occasion. It can be a simple as unexpected flowers, or as elaborate as a White Charger.

It's got to be about you and her to be really successful. Did you ever see the move "Hitch"? Break the mold, step out, and catch the eye of the woman you want.

And if you read all of the above and thought, "Why the he!! would I do anything like that for this lying, cheating woman?"

Then you need to ask yourself:

Do you want her back?

Because it is up to you to do the work.

OK?

thanks johnstwin she is in withdrawal, she gave up alot to be with this OM. To answer lousy golfer, i will get the EN together soon just kinda got off track with everything going on, the days go by very fast right now. I do still need to decide for myself why I want this woman back or what my reasons for wanting her back are. Tough to take someone back, since I feel like a second choice. I know i shouldn't but i do. Right now is not the right time to do anything out of the ordinary. Like you said maybe in a few months.

Thanks Guys for all your help.

S40:

Second Choice?

I destroyed my wife. Not high self-esteem before the A and when it was confirmed, she went wwwaayyy low.

But I told her:

"I was involved with OW, and I didn't know the way out, but with OW long term, that was second choice."

Affairs fizzle out.

Your W's was for 4 years, just like mine.

But I knew early on that I had something better, in BS, then I could ever have with OW.

So I never left. Mrs LG was, and always will be, the one for me. I walked in the forest for a long time. And wish I had found this place before the A.

Because the M I have now......Amazing.



Ordinary doesn't change much.

So stop being ordinary.