FWW needs a BS perspective...please help!! - 03/05/07 05:22 PM
Hi all, I am hoping and praying that some of the BS's in here will be able to tell me what I am doing wrong and how I can fix things and help my husband heal from my A. I have posted a few times before, but I haven't really wanted my own thread with my own story, mostly because I am a FWW and not a BS, and I guess I feel somewhat undeserving of my own thread because of that.
My H and I are now eight months past D-day. It has been a trial, a roller-coster unlike anything I could have imagined, and nothing I would ever wish upon another human being. I had an A in the six weeks that preceeded my mother's death from cancer. As much as I would like to point fingers at my H and say I did it because he was a crummy husband, I cannot do that. No, our marriage was not as it should have been; he had done and said things to me that had caused me to fall out of love with him. But we had been at that stalemate for the prior two years of our marriage…I never strayed during that time, and I never would have.
In my mom's last weeks, my H was often out of town on business, and I befriended a co-worker whose mother had also died of cancer. I began to speak to him most every day…he validated the emotions that I was feeling, and he became a comfortable outlet for my grief. He understood everything I was going through in ways that I felt my H, with two living parents, could never understand. I found myself falling in love. I was so scared of that feeling, but, by that time, I was too addicted to my new friend to ever give him up…the feelings of joy I had when I was with him equalized the feelings of devastation I was experiencing watching my mother die; I was able to carry on with life in some sort of bearable manner. About three weeks into my A, we joked around about getting a hotel room so we could spend some more time together and get closer to one another. Until that time, our A had consisted of mostly talking, mostly hugging, and then some kissing on our lunch breaks. I thought it would be wonderful to spend more time with him, so I said yes. We made plans to spend an evening together two weeks later. The day of the event, I began to feel uneasy and particularly awful about what I was doing…goodness, if I actually snuck out and met with OM, I would be CHEATING on my H (how's that for logic…like I hadn't been cheating before??), something I had told him I would never do. I met with OM at work and told him I would not be able to get out as planned, that something had come up, that I was sorry. He assured me that it was okay, that we would get together some other time. I left work that day relieved.
The next week, my mom died. I was devastated, and my H stepped up and took care of everything for me. I did not see OM for over a week, and during that week, I had time to think about everything I had done, the promises I had made and broken to my H, my family, my kids, everyone I had affected and damaged with my complete inability to deal with the reality of my life. I felt sick about it, and resolved to give my marriage another try. Of course I was not going to tell my H about what happened….I had not had s*x with OM, so I rationalized that there was really no reason to tell.
He found out two weeks later from an unopened cell phone bill I had left sitting on the counter for over a week. I confessed everything, and he was devastated beyond belief.
We have been trying to recover ever since, but it has been an uphill battle. There were problems in the marriage before, and those problems have remained and become amplified. I believe I have done everything correctly in my efforts to help him recover…I have read nearly a dozen books so far, and have attempted to follow the advice within. I had previously established NC and I have not broken that promise. I am transparent and accountable. I have apologized numerous times. I make every effort to meet his EN's, no matter how he treats me. For the last eight months I have done nearly all the housework, all the child-rearing, and nearly all the SF initiation. He just kicks back and accepts it all as his due, as pennance for my sins and restitution for my crimes against him. Our relationship has taken on a sickly pallor, and an uncomfortable feeling of imbalance. The kinder I am to him, the more I do for him, the meaner he is to me and the less he does for me. I find it sad and sick that for the six weeks of my A, when he thought he was losing me, that he treated me better than he has ever treated me since we first began dating. Now that he knows he has me, and that I am remorseful for my actions, he doesn’t seem to want to make any attempt to meet my EN's. It's like he wants me to continue to suffer for what I did. I am very sad and very lonely.
So, my question really is, what am I doing wrong?? I have approached correcting this by doing things for him that I would have liked done for me had our situation been reversed. I make him coffee and bring him breakfast in bed, I am very affectionate with lots of hugs and kisses and SF…I tell him how sorry I am and how much he means to me. But it's not doing any good. He doesn't reciprocate. He tells me he truly loves me, but that he needs more time to get over what happened. Fine, I really do understand that. But lately I have gotten this sick feeling that I have gone about this all wrong, that he is not actively trying to process his pain and ultimately come to forgive me, that instead I am contributing to his lack of effort by doing entirely too much for him and expecting too little in return. I will admit that I am grappling with self-worth issues right now, and am often filled with intense self-loathing over the pain I have caused him. This feeling causes me to want to do more for him, all the while accepting the fact that he is doing less for me.
This weekend we got out without our kids for the first time in months…we had dinner and then stopped at a bar to have a drink. I made sure I looked my absolute best for him. I sidled up next to him at the bar so our thighs could touch, and caressed his back with my free hand. I was feeling very close to him. He was quiet, and I could tell he was probably thinking about what had happened. I squeezed him tightly and apologized again for what I did, trying to reassure him that I loved him and that I felt terrible pain for what I did to him. He literally snarled at me, and began mimicing me, re-enacting one of the lies I told during my A. I was stunned. It was so mean and unprovoked that tears sprung to my eyes. The evening was ruined and I asked him to take me home immediately afterward. We slept in separate beds that night.
So now what?? Do I take a few steps back and start letting him pursue me instead? I notice that several BH's in here, when they and their WW's finally reconcile, feel like they have "fought" and won their wives and families and lives back. Do I need to make my H "fight" for me? Is it a "man" thing? I don't want to play any games with him. I am so confused…I am feeling that maybe we should separate, that maybe if I am not around he will miss me and realize that he truly wants to make things work with me. I realize we cannot meet eachother's EN's if we are apart, but he has not met mine for eight months now, and it is damaging my feelings for him.
We are in counseling, but our therapist just sits there and nods throughout the entire 45 mintutes. She has basically given him a free pass to do whatever he wants to me, because he is the victim.
Please help.
Oh, and he won't come here. He has read Dr. Harley's books with me, but he is not inclined to follow his principles.
My H and I are now eight months past D-day. It has been a trial, a roller-coster unlike anything I could have imagined, and nothing I would ever wish upon another human being. I had an A in the six weeks that preceeded my mother's death from cancer. As much as I would like to point fingers at my H and say I did it because he was a crummy husband, I cannot do that. No, our marriage was not as it should have been; he had done and said things to me that had caused me to fall out of love with him. But we had been at that stalemate for the prior two years of our marriage…I never strayed during that time, and I never would have.
In my mom's last weeks, my H was often out of town on business, and I befriended a co-worker whose mother had also died of cancer. I began to speak to him most every day…he validated the emotions that I was feeling, and he became a comfortable outlet for my grief. He understood everything I was going through in ways that I felt my H, with two living parents, could never understand. I found myself falling in love. I was so scared of that feeling, but, by that time, I was too addicted to my new friend to ever give him up…the feelings of joy I had when I was with him equalized the feelings of devastation I was experiencing watching my mother die; I was able to carry on with life in some sort of bearable manner. About three weeks into my A, we joked around about getting a hotel room so we could spend some more time together and get closer to one another. Until that time, our A had consisted of mostly talking, mostly hugging, and then some kissing on our lunch breaks. I thought it would be wonderful to spend more time with him, so I said yes. We made plans to spend an evening together two weeks later. The day of the event, I began to feel uneasy and particularly awful about what I was doing…goodness, if I actually snuck out and met with OM, I would be CHEATING on my H (how's that for logic…like I hadn't been cheating before??), something I had told him I would never do. I met with OM at work and told him I would not be able to get out as planned, that something had come up, that I was sorry. He assured me that it was okay, that we would get together some other time. I left work that day relieved.
The next week, my mom died. I was devastated, and my H stepped up and took care of everything for me. I did not see OM for over a week, and during that week, I had time to think about everything I had done, the promises I had made and broken to my H, my family, my kids, everyone I had affected and damaged with my complete inability to deal with the reality of my life. I felt sick about it, and resolved to give my marriage another try. Of course I was not going to tell my H about what happened….I had not had s*x with OM, so I rationalized that there was really no reason to tell.
He found out two weeks later from an unopened cell phone bill I had left sitting on the counter for over a week. I confessed everything, and he was devastated beyond belief.
We have been trying to recover ever since, but it has been an uphill battle. There were problems in the marriage before, and those problems have remained and become amplified. I believe I have done everything correctly in my efforts to help him recover…I have read nearly a dozen books so far, and have attempted to follow the advice within. I had previously established NC and I have not broken that promise. I am transparent and accountable. I have apologized numerous times. I make every effort to meet his EN's, no matter how he treats me. For the last eight months I have done nearly all the housework, all the child-rearing, and nearly all the SF initiation. He just kicks back and accepts it all as his due, as pennance for my sins and restitution for my crimes against him. Our relationship has taken on a sickly pallor, and an uncomfortable feeling of imbalance. The kinder I am to him, the more I do for him, the meaner he is to me and the less he does for me. I find it sad and sick that for the six weeks of my A, when he thought he was losing me, that he treated me better than he has ever treated me since we first began dating. Now that he knows he has me, and that I am remorseful for my actions, he doesn’t seem to want to make any attempt to meet my EN's. It's like he wants me to continue to suffer for what I did. I am very sad and very lonely.
So, my question really is, what am I doing wrong?? I have approached correcting this by doing things for him that I would have liked done for me had our situation been reversed. I make him coffee and bring him breakfast in bed, I am very affectionate with lots of hugs and kisses and SF…I tell him how sorry I am and how much he means to me. But it's not doing any good. He doesn't reciprocate. He tells me he truly loves me, but that he needs more time to get over what happened. Fine, I really do understand that. But lately I have gotten this sick feeling that I have gone about this all wrong, that he is not actively trying to process his pain and ultimately come to forgive me, that instead I am contributing to his lack of effort by doing entirely too much for him and expecting too little in return. I will admit that I am grappling with self-worth issues right now, and am often filled with intense self-loathing over the pain I have caused him. This feeling causes me to want to do more for him, all the while accepting the fact that he is doing less for me.
This weekend we got out without our kids for the first time in months…we had dinner and then stopped at a bar to have a drink. I made sure I looked my absolute best for him. I sidled up next to him at the bar so our thighs could touch, and caressed his back with my free hand. I was feeling very close to him. He was quiet, and I could tell he was probably thinking about what had happened. I squeezed him tightly and apologized again for what I did, trying to reassure him that I loved him and that I felt terrible pain for what I did to him. He literally snarled at me, and began mimicing me, re-enacting one of the lies I told during my A. I was stunned. It was so mean and unprovoked that tears sprung to my eyes. The evening was ruined and I asked him to take me home immediately afterward. We slept in separate beds that night.
So now what?? Do I take a few steps back and start letting him pursue me instead? I notice that several BH's in here, when they and their WW's finally reconcile, feel like they have "fought" and won their wives and families and lives back. Do I need to make my H "fight" for me? Is it a "man" thing? I don't want to play any games with him. I am so confused…I am feeling that maybe we should separate, that maybe if I am not around he will miss me and realize that he truly wants to make things work with me. I realize we cannot meet eachother's EN's if we are apart, but he has not met mine for eight months now, and it is damaging my feelings for him.
We are in counseling, but our therapist just sits there and nods throughout the entire 45 mintutes. She has basically given him a free pass to do whatever he wants to me, because he is the victim.
Please help.
Oh, and he won't come here. He has read Dr. Harley's books with me, but he is not inclined to follow his principles.