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Joined: Nov 2006
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Hi all, I am hoping and praying that some of the BS's in here will be able to tell me what I am doing wrong and how I can fix things and help my husband heal from my A. I have posted a few times before, but I haven't really wanted my own thread with my own story, mostly because I am a FWW and not a BS, and I guess I feel somewhat undeserving of my own thread because of that.

My H and I are now eight months past D-day. It has been a trial, a roller-coster unlike anything I could have imagined, and nothing I would ever wish upon another human being. I had an A in the six weeks that preceeded my mother's death from cancer. As much as I would like to point fingers at my H and say I did it because he was a crummy husband, I cannot do that. No, our marriage was not as it should have been; he had done and said things to me that had caused me to fall out of love with him. But we had been at that stalemate for the prior two years of our marriage…I never strayed during that time, and I never would have.

In my mom's last weeks, my H was often out of town on business, and I befriended a co-worker whose mother had also died of cancer. I began to speak to him most every day…he validated the emotions that I was feeling, and he became a comfortable outlet for my grief. He understood everything I was going through in ways that I felt my H, with two living parents, could never understand. I found myself falling in love. I was so scared of that feeling, but, by that time, I was too addicted to my new friend to ever give him up…the feelings of joy I had when I was with him equalized the feelings of devastation I was experiencing watching my mother die; I was able to carry on with life in some sort of bearable manner. About three weeks into my A, we joked around about getting a hotel room so we could spend some more time together and get closer to one another. Until that time, our A had consisted of mostly talking, mostly hugging, and then some kissing on our lunch breaks. I thought it would be wonderful to spend more time with him, so I said yes. We made plans to spend an evening together two weeks later. The day of the event, I began to feel uneasy and particularly awful about what I was doing…goodness, if I actually snuck out and met with OM, I would be CHEATING on my H (how's that for logic…like I hadn't been cheating before??), something I had told him I would never do. I met with OM at work and told him I would not be able to get out as planned, that something had come up, that I was sorry. He assured me that it was okay, that we would get together some other time. I left work that day relieved.

The next week, my mom died. I was devastated, and my H stepped up and took care of everything for me. I did not see OM for over a week, and during that week, I had time to think about everything I had done, the promises I had made and broken to my H, my family, my kids, everyone I had affected and damaged with my complete inability to deal with the reality of my life. I felt sick about it, and resolved to give my marriage another try. Of course I was not going to tell my H about what happened….I had not had s*x with OM, so I rationalized that there was really no reason to tell.

He found out two weeks later from an unopened cell phone bill I had left sitting on the counter for over a week. I confessed everything, and he was devastated beyond belief.

We have been trying to recover ever since, but it has been an uphill battle. There were problems in the marriage before, and those problems have remained and become amplified. I believe I have done everything correctly in my efforts to help him recover…I have read nearly a dozen books so far, and have attempted to follow the advice within. I had previously established NC and I have not broken that promise. I am transparent and accountable. I have apologized numerous times. I make every effort to meet his EN's, no matter how he treats me. For the last eight months I have done nearly all the housework, all the child-rearing, and nearly all the SF initiation. He just kicks back and accepts it all as his due, as pennance for my sins and restitution for my crimes against him. Our relationship has taken on a sickly pallor, and an uncomfortable feeling of imbalance. The kinder I am to him, the more I do for him, the meaner he is to me and the less he does for me. I find it sad and sick that for the six weeks of my A, when he thought he was losing me, that he treated me better than he has ever treated me since we first began dating. Now that he knows he has me, and that I am remorseful for my actions, he doesn’t seem to want to make any attempt to meet my EN's. It's like he wants me to continue to suffer for what I did. I am very sad and very lonely.

So, my question really is, what am I doing wrong?? I have approached correcting this by doing things for him that I would have liked done for me had our situation been reversed. I make him coffee and bring him breakfast in bed, I am very affectionate with lots of hugs and kisses and SF…I tell him how sorry I am and how much he means to me. But it's not doing any good. He doesn't reciprocate. He tells me he truly loves me, but that he needs more time to get over what happened. Fine, I really do understand that. But lately I have gotten this sick feeling that I have gone about this all wrong, that he is not actively trying to process his pain and ultimately come to forgive me, that instead I am contributing to his lack of effort by doing entirely too much for him and expecting too little in return. I will admit that I am grappling with self-worth issues right now, and am often filled with intense self-loathing over the pain I have caused him. This feeling causes me to want to do more for him, all the while accepting the fact that he is doing less for me.

This weekend we got out without our kids for the first time in months…we had dinner and then stopped at a bar to have a drink. I made sure I looked my absolute best for him. I sidled up next to him at the bar so our thighs could touch, and caressed his back with my free hand. I was feeling very close to him. He was quiet, and I could tell he was probably thinking about what had happened. I squeezed him tightly and apologized again for what I did, trying to reassure him that I loved him and that I felt terrible pain for what I did to him. He literally snarled at me, and began mimicing me, re-enacting one of the lies I told during my A. I was stunned. It was so mean and unprovoked that tears sprung to my eyes. The evening was ruined and I asked him to take me home immediately afterward. We slept in separate beds that night.

So now what?? Do I take a few steps back and start letting him pursue me instead? I notice that several BH's in here, when they and their WW's finally reconcile, feel like they have "fought" and won their wives and families and lives back. Do I need to make my H "fight" for me? Is it a "man" thing? I don't want to play any games with him. I am so confused…I am feeling that maybe we should separate, that maybe if I am not around he will miss me and realize that he truly wants to make things work with me. I realize we cannot meet eachother's EN's if we are apart, but he has not met mine for eight months now, and it is damaging my feelings for him.

We are in counseling, but our therapist just sits there and nods throughout the entire 45 mintutes. She has basically given him a free pass to do whatever he wants to me, because he is the victim.

Please help.

Oh, and he won't come here. He has read Dr. Harley's books with me, but he is not inclined to follow his principles.

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Wayward Wives Recovery Guide and Info

Here is a good link you should start reading.

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Hi Desdemona

I'm so glad you posted. You do deserve to be here, just like anyone who wants to work on their marriage.

I can't really help you with the "man" perspective but I can say that I think you need to find a pro-marriage counselor and not a sounding board. Not sure how you can find one, but others on this site might have some insight. Have you considered calling the Harley's to get some insights for yourself?

It sounds like your BH is very wounded and doesn't feel like he can trust you. But you can't control his progress. You can only control yourself.

His reaction on your dinner out make me think he is still dwelling on the A and wants to vent his pain onto you. That's just my perspective but there were many times I wanted my WH to hurt as much as I did.

You seem to be trying to show in your actions that you are willing to work on your M. That's great. One question: Are the things you are doing for him things that meet his EN's (breakfast, affection etc). We tend to do for our spouses the things that would meet our needs-not necessarily our spouse's needs.

Have you thought about going to IC for yourself? You have suffered a great loss with your mom's death. You also suffered a loss within yourself by what you did (your EA) and your comment about "self-loathing" makes me think you could benefit from personal counseling. Also, I'd tell you to see your Dr. and maybe get on some AD's for the extreme stress you are under right now (loss of mom, struggle in M etc).

In Dave Carder's book-Torn Asunder-he talks about the roller-coaster ride of emotions the BS goes through once the A is revealed. Often the WS has already stopped the A when it is revealed so they are at a different place emotionally when the BS's world completely falls apart.

I don't know if this is helpful, but I want you to know I think you are doing the best you can. Consider going to your Dr. and seeing a counselor for yourself and maybe call the Harley's.

Hang in there-


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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Hi. Sorry you are here...

Quote
I am so confused…I am feeling that maybe we should separate, that maybe if I am not around he will miss me and realize that he truly wants to make things work with me. I realize we cannot meet eachother's EN's if we are apart, but he has not met mine for eight months now, and it is damaging my feelings for him.


I'm sorry he isn't meeting your EN's, but I think separating would be the least productive thing to help heal your M. It would probably send the signal to him that you have given up, not that you are separating so that he'll miss you.

Quote
We are in counseling, but our therapist just sits there and nods throughout the entire 45 mintutes. She has basically given him a free pass to do whatever he wants to me, because he is the victim.


What exactly do you talk about in counseling? Are you dealing specifically with the A or other issues in your M? Does your H participate? How exactly has she given him a 'free pass'?

Sorry for all the questions, but she sounds like a lousy therapist if all she does is nod and take his side. Perhaps he's taking his cue from her and feels justified in playing the victim. Don't get me wrong, he IS the victim. However, a BS can't ACT like the victim forever.


BW(me)-32
WH-31
married-6 years
2 kids (4 and 1)
D-day-12/16/06
NC-12/18/06
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I think your husband needs to get his act together and stop being selfish. To start acting like a real husband again.

- you were romantically involved with another man, for 6 weeks (correct?) not 6 months, or years
- you never had sex with him (or were ever *sexually* intimate with him, yes?)
- you dropped him through your own choice, not because he pressured you,or because you were dumped by OM.

these are huge, huge positive things.

yes, you committed grevious acts against him and your marriage. But what you did, pales in comparison to what others have done on here... yet their husbands have put more effort into recovery than it sounds like yours has.

8 months is a long time, for him to ride a wave of entitlement over something that only lasted a month and a half.
(sadly, it seems like the spouses who never lost that much, and never had to "fight" for their spouses, are the ones who are the least appreciative, judging by people's histories on here)


I would suggest that you confront him, and state your desire to work together for a fully functional, loving, TWO-WAY marriage. That you chose to drop OM because you wanted to work on your marriage with him. That you ask him not to forget, but to forgive you, and work equally with you, to build a loving marriage together... one better than for the last 3 years.

You might also want to have him post here.
if he's willing to do MC, he should be willing to try out here, i would think.


ME: H, 35, married 9 years. 3 young sons W:32, series of online "friendships" 1st D-day: some time 2004 (online EA) OM broke off, NC june 2005, but no recovery plan 2nd D-day: june 20th, 2006("ILY" to "friend"). W moved out next day. Oct 2006, starts being around a 3rd guy instead. Mar 2007, stopped? Current status: Separated. W filed D. in July 2006, served Dec 11th, my response filed Jan 8th Most recent thread
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Thank you, hopeandpray,

I read the Wayward Wives Recovery Guide and found it to be very helpful.

I will keep perservering!

Thanks again!

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Thanks, johnstwin,

I know I hurt him terribly. I actually do have Torn Asunder, and will read it again as soon as I get home.

Counseling with the Harleys sounds like a great idea, and I think I will approach H about it tonight.

Thanks!!

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Thanks, Inner_Strength,

I do agree that separating is not the best thing. I do feel like giving up sometimes. It is frustrating to want to make progress...I know I should let him move at his own pace.

I do not think our therapist is doing a very good job. She really does just sit there and nod...she doesn't give any direction. The one time I spoke up about how H's actions (or inaction) were making me feel, she stated that he was the victim and that, for a while at least, I was going to have to accept that he could do no wrong. Believe me, H has held on tight to that one.

I am hoping I can talk H into counseling with the Harleys...

Thanks!

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Hi techie, thanks for the reply!

Don't have time for a proper response as I am leaving work, but will post again when I get home.

Thanks for your support!

D

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This stood out to me:

Quote
This weekend we got out without our kids for the first time in months…we had dinner and then stopped at a bar to have a drink. I made sure I looked my absolute best for him. I sidled up next to him at the bar so our thighs could touch, and caressed his back with my free hand. I was feeling very close to him. He was quiet, and I could tell he was probably thinking about what had happened. I squeezed him tightly and apologized again for what I did, trying to reassure him that I loved him and that I felt terrible pain for what I did to him. He literally snarled at me, and began mimicing me, re-enacting one of the lies I told during my A. I was stunned. It was so mean and unprovoked that tears sprung to my eyes. The evening was ruined and I asked him to take me home immediately afterward. We slept in separate beds that night.

I was just thinking, maybe he was just sitting there enjoying the evening away from the kids and spending time with you and then BAM affair talk.

Are you the one that initiates talk about the affair mostly, or does he?

All that aside, he chose to stay with you after he found out about the affair. That does not mean he gets to treat you badly while he's getting over it or forever. It doesn't mean you have to be his doormat, so stop doing that. Be kind to him, love him, meet his needs, do all those things, but you need to set up your own boundaries and not accept his poor treatment. Are you in individual counseling?

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Hi techie,

Thank you so much for your encouragement...it has been a depressing day, and the responses I have gotten have made me feel better about sticking it out while also sticking up for myself.

To answer some of your questions...

Yes, I was involved with OM for six weeks.

No, I was not sexually intimate with OM, but that was mostly because I ended the affair rather suddenly after my mom died. I did not see or talk to OM the week after my mom's funeral, and that really gave me time to come out of my "fog" and to think about the things that were truly important in my life. If my A had lasted another month, I probably would've gotten around to convincing myself that sex with OM was a lovely idea. It is frightening, the grip that an affair has on a wayward's mind...it is like nothing I have ever experienced in my life...I was absolutely mastered by it. How shocking to lose that much control over one's self.

And yes, I dropped him through my own choice.

And actually, I have tried to point these positives out to my H, but he won't hear of it. I know that he may be affected more severely by what I have done because he has a past history of being left by the women he loves. So not only am I paying for what I did to him, I am also paying for what his ex-wife did and his subsequent girlfriend did...do you know what I mean?

Anyway, I am going to talk to him tonight about counseling with the Harleys. Of all the books I purchased, he actually liked Surviving an Affair the best; he has just been waffling on using those techniques, and I haven't been forcing the issue. I guess it's time to be assertive!!

Des

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Hi Sio2,

You are right...maybe he did just want to sit and enjoy the evening with me, and I started in on affair talk. But it is difficult for me to sit idly by and say nothing when he looks so sad. Should I not be the one bringing it up? I will admit, most of the time I am the one that broaches the subject, but only because he looks so terribly sad, and I have an overwhelming need to fix what it is that I have broken.

I am not in individual counseling, but I feel I have a very good understanding of why I did what I did. Sometimes it scares me to think that I could so easily have let things get out of hand, and that is why I have revised my boundaries to exclude men as friends. I absolutely know that I can never again share personal feelings with a man, because that is what put me on the "slippery slope" to begin with, and I refuse to ever go to that place again.

Des

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Quote
I haven't been forcing the issue. I guess it's time to be assertive!!

OK!

Just be sure to fully understand and practice, the difference between a "selfish demand", and a "thoughtful request" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

oh, owch.. missed that he had an ex-wife that left him.

you're going to have to be double-gentle with him.

Last edited by techie; 03/05/07 06:17 PM.
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Sounds like we are in the same boat! Read my post if you are interested in some further advice. I've been given some good insight.

I also have a BH that is moving to recovery at a very slow pace. 18 months now. . . and still asking why.

I wish I had good advice. The only thing that I can say that made a difference to me, was that one response was that this was like an emotional rape or death. When I internalized that, that I had emotionally raped my husband, I understood why he is having trouble moving on. I also, plan on getting him into counseling.

I also wonder about the wounded male. Do they need some of the chase - if so when? We have to be doing something wrong is my feeling.

Please let me know if you find someone that can give real insight that works with this level of slow recovery.

lilmom

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Quote
You are right...maybe he did just want to sit and enjoy the evening with me, and I started in on affair talk. But it is difficult for me to sit idly by and say nothing when he looks so sad. Should I not be the one bringing it up? I will admit, most of the time I am the one that broaches the subject, but only because he looks so terribly sad, and I have an overwhelming need to fix what it is that I have broken.

It's not that you shouldn't bring up the affair, you two need to talk about it. How often are you bringing it up though? How often does he bring it up? When you do bring it up, how does he respond? It's a given that you two need to discuss it and work through it, but I think there is definitely a point where it can just be too much. It's just as important that you two work on the marriage itself, and I'm a little worried that you seem to be kind of "stuck" on the affair.

Its clear that you feel terrible about the affair, and are trying to do everything you can to make up for it. He's going to have to work through some of it on his own though, he needs to work through it in his own head. Be supportive, be an open book, but at the end of the day, it's something he has to get through, you can't do it for him.


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