wife applied for another job in the school district and I'm paying for it!

Ok, I thought I finally caught a break. My WW announced that she saw a couple jobs in the school district that she might apply for today. She called me at work today to talk about it. She was angry that I was "making" her quit her present job and that she still wasn't "in love" with me. She told me that she would resent me for making her quit her job and went on and on. It continued when I got home. She told me how unhappy she was and that maybe she just wasn't cut out to be married. I tried to explain to her that I felt that taking another job and to no longer have contact with the other person would give us a real shot at recovery. She wasn't buying and for once, I wasn't backing down. I told her it wasn't an ultimatium, it was just that I would not be able to stay in the marriage if she continued to work with the OM. Of course she says that she isn't working with him and that she never sees him, etc . . .

Now she thinks she just wants a divorce. I said fine, if that was what she wanted.

Is this normal for a WW to behave this crazy? I know for a fact that there is no contact outside of work, but I would guess by her reaction that it is going on strong at work. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Completely normal. The WS usually feels entitled. She probably feels like you have no right asking her not to work with her affairmate. After there is no contact for awhile, she should get over this and be grateful you stood up for the marriage.

My WW announced this morning that she couldn't sleep last night and that she is going to withdraw her request for a transfer. I didn't know what to say, so I just said, "do what you've got to do" or something like that.

I'm not sure how to handle this.

Tell her she transfers out of the school or the marriage. She only has those two options on the table.

Tell your wife that you understand how she feels. She wants to have continued contact with the other person to keep her affair emotions alive. Those emotions kill her chances of having a relationship with you in that you do not intend to have a three party marriage.

How much exposure has there been?

Have you had the conversation with your wife where you explain that you intend to concentrate on rebuilding your relationship with her, your marriage, and will do whatever it takes to so do?

How many kids do you have and what ages?

Larry

This is normal. Once your WW is confronted by you and knows that you know about the A, she will get very defensive. She has been lying to herself in order to live with herself during the A. Now that it is out, she has to blame you and your M to justify her actions. It will only get worse until she realizes that what she is doing is wrong and accepts her part in this. This won't happen until she leaves the OM. Unfortunately, you can not force her to end the A. You need to look at plan A and plan B and work on a plan to save your marriage. Until your WW comes around, you will be working on this problem alone, but if you read through MB, you will find that there is a lot that you can do for yourself.

This has been going on for a while now. There was only slight exposure at her work. I confronted the OM in parking lot with other people around. After that, I've been told that he doesn't want to have anything to do with my wife.

My wife called me today to tell me that she "Hates my guts". I told her that she would get over it, that I have had to for the sake of our marriage and daughter. She thinks I am punishing her.

I thought about sending her this email. Advise please.

Dear Wife,

I am sorry that you feel this way about me. I am trying very hard to understand what you are going through. Change is difficult, but sometimes it can even be good. It is your choice, I support you in your decision to do what you believe is right.

I thought that we would rejoice together when you finally made the decision to apply out to another job. Instead I am berated with insults and accusations. I’ve asked you to put yourself in my shoes. How would you feel? The only word I can think to sum up how I feel is “threatened”. The constant put downs, the constant reminders that you no longer have loving feelings towards me, that you do not cherish your marriage and that the person you chose to be with over your husband remains in your life. Am I insecure, of course I am? Why wouldn’t I be? Think about what you have done and what you have said to me, and ask yourself if there is any other way I should feel?

If you choose to stay and if you also choose to try and save your marriage, can you guarantee that you won’t be assigned lunch at the same time? Or assigned a duty together? As long as you are there, the elephant is always in the room (building). You don’t have to understand my feelings, but it would be nice if you tried to have some empathy and respect for them. Everything I have asked is in the hopes of saving our marriage and family. Right or wrong, that is my number one priority. How can you be mad at me for that? You feel that I am only doing this for me, if so it’s only partly for me. I understand that as long as you are working with the OM there is a very real possibility that we will never completely be able to recover.

You have an opportunity to do something that may very well help to bring us closer. It’s your decision, I will not be angry if you choose to stay at your school. I will be disappointed, but I am done being angry. You have a life to live, so make it the best one you can. If that doesn’t include me in it, so be it. I am sure that God will provide me with the strength to move forward and new doors and opportunities will open for me.

Sincerely,
Me

Should I send this or just let things be...

Too much information. It will look like you are attempting to control her.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? Have you read EVERY single word of Harley's methods posted to this web site? If you have, it should come as no surprise that she has said and done the things she has said and done - typical fog speak.

Learn to deal with fog babble - read and educate yourself if you really want to save your marriage.

Larry

I've read SAA, but I'm still not sure how to handle this kind of outburst. I'm concerned that she is not going to apply for a transfer. Maybe her final outburst in which she says she hates me is a sign she still plans on applying out.

I think you would be better served following the MB program.
I personally wouldn't spend the time writing out feelings that she just isn't open to receiving.

I know your position is logical -- but she can't understand logic, it is like logic is a foreign language for her.
She doesn't care about respecting you or your feelings. She interested in preserving her own.

Exposure is your better option. Is OM married?
Tell his wife. That is your BEST move right now.
Tell the principal. Tell family. Tell friends.

She was somewhat willing to transfer. I'll be she scurries out of there when exposed!

I have exposed to wife. She wasn't receptive, claimed it was my wife pursuing him. Of course I have the emails where he tells her he loves her. They are still together. I never formally exposed. SH told me to hold off because I waited so long it will only look like I am being vindictive.

Don't send the letter. Larry is right, it is too much info. It is also confrontational. I believe that with children involved, the best way to approach the situation is to explain that regardless of how things end up, you will be tied together for life through the children. For this reason, it is imparative that you develop a working relationship.

Some times it is better to communicate in a letter. It allows you to organize your thoughts and it is less stressful for your WW, especially when she is in this state of mind. I would be careful to stick to the facts and keep it positive. Avoid addressing emotions and feelings.

Ouch - you have Steve Harley counseling you? Ask him for a course of action and then follow it, period.

Larry

Did you TELL OMW that you had those e-mails?
I find it hard to believe that she refuted hard evidence.

Were you pre-empted? Did OM have some idea you might contact his wife? It sounds like he got to her first and fed her a story about some crazy couple....she's chasing me and her husband is jealous.....

Are you still snooping?
Do you have any recent proof?

If not, its time to kick that up a notch...

I was pre-emptive the first time. I called OM's wife after I caught them a second time in parking lot, and she thought i was crazy. She said it was just two adults/co-workers talking.

I am still snooping. There has been no contact outside of work in the last 12 months. But I can't say what is going on inside the building. Wife claims absolutely no contact. I can't be sure, but I mostly believe her. I think there may be incidental contact at work.

How is this for an email response to today.

I love you WW. I understand that change is very difficult for you. All I can say is that I promise that I will be there for you through it all.

She doesn't want to change. She wants to continue to get her fix. It is what it is. There are others on here who are better at suggestions for a letter or reply than I am.

Larry

I just feel like I am at a crossroad here. She has finally applied out for another job, than she says she is going to pull the application.

She is seeking my support as her husband and I'm not giving it. She's viewing this as a love buster, I'm viewing it as the only way to save our marriage.

It IS the only way to save your marriage.

Even if you could be sure they ended the affair, how will you feel about their "incidental contact" at work?
You will constantly worry (rightly so) and the affair could restart at any time.

So you never gave OMW the e-mail proof?
I would think you should.....

You are both right. She sees this as a love buster in terms of her affair. You see it as the only way to save your marriage. She either wants to save her marriage with you or not. Has she read Surviving An Affair?

Call Steve.

Larry

Your WW and she is wayward (At least an EA) is trying to set up her excuses for leaving the M and pursuing OM (his wife will be the last to understand and know (sounds as if she is in denial) if you don't educate her about EA's).

I would stand strong and tall without being ugly and stick to her needing to transfer. I would tell the OM's wife and supply any and all informaiton needed to convince her of the inappropriateness of your WW and OM's behaviors along with something from Harley regarding emotional affairs.

Do you have a daughter and if so what age?

So my plan is to hold my ground. Don't email or respond to nasty comments. Just say, I'm sorry that you are angry and unhappy, but I believe that in order for us to recover and move forward, you will need to find another job. I'm here for you if you decide to make the move to find another job.

Yep.

You can't reason with a WS. If you give in on the job transfer, you will be enabling the affair to continue. I did that, and it cost me. Don't make the same mistake.

hopeandpray, my daughter is five years old. My WW and I have been able to keep most of this from her, but last night my WW was obviously upset and took some of it out on her. Nothing abusive, just short tempered, etc . . .

Since D-Day we have taken a number of vacations and only last weekend we went to an indoor waterpark and outdoor amusement park. So we haven't been allowing this situation to overwhelm our daughter or our lives. Occassionally it does, but we've been "good sports".

I scheduled a meeting with SH for tomorrow, I'm just concerned about tonight.

TH- It is totally appropriate for you to keep this from your DD, however, your WW is also hiding from herself. You have to stand firm. At this point, you are the only one fighting for your marriage. Study MB and do what is right.

Thought I'd give a quick update. I stood strong, no LBs. Wife apologized for saying she hated me, but added that I owed her an apology for making her make this choice. She said that I don't care about her feelings. I told her that everything I do and have done has been to save our marriage. She said, "it's just making it worse".

Oh well, in the end she said that she did not withdraw her application for a transfer. There is no guarantee that she will get the job, but it's a start.

You did not make her make any choice. She created this problem by having an affair with a man with whom she worked, period. This is simply a result.

And, no I don't care about your feelings as they relate to the intruder in our marriage, only our family. Those feelings I care deeply about.

Lastly, way to stand your ground.

How can it get worse than an A?! There is no going back. This is not a forgive and forget situation. When you finally deal with the A and the issues that caused it, things will get much worse than they are now. I don't think your WW is ready for this. You need to be patient and stay as positive as you can.