Is honesty and openness too much to ask? - 07/14/07 04:53 AM
I really hate myspace. I have one, and when I opened it a long time ago I told him about it. He could care less. I tried to start a page up for him but since he didnt know what he wants to put on there he never got it going. Imagine my surprise when I come across another page with his name on it yesterday and yes it is him.
I know it is just a myspace page but I am not happy for 3 reasons.
-He didn't tell me about it.
-He has himself listed single on his page
-He already approved like 3 or 4 women along with 5 guys to be his friend.
I called him on it yesterday with a text, asking him why would he do something like this and not tell me about it. He called me and we've had several conversations about it last night.
I told him what hurted the most was the fact that he said he was single. My (girl) friend said that the default listing is single for myspace, and so I believed him when he says he didn't finish setting up. He didn't write down anything about himself, except that he was a Capricorn but they probably got that because he gave his birthdate. So fine I do believe him there.
I told him that it bothered me that I had to find out like this. He told me that he doesn't think it was a big deal to tell me since it really doesn't mean anything to him. I asked him doesn't he ever think that hmm maybe this is something my wife would want to know. He said yes he thinks that all the time but he does what he wants to do. He doesn't want it to be like he has to ask permission to do things, to run things by me. But I told him it's like he is living a seperate life from me, because I don't know these people at all. And how come I'm not even in his friends list, let alone his number 1 slot. I told him how I want to trust him but when stuff like this happens then it's hard to, and he got mad at that. He doesn't see how having a mysapce page means I don't trust him.
I kept telling him all I was asking was for him to be open and honest with me. I don't see how me asking that is too much. He said if that's the way I want to be I will clock out of work right now and go home pack my stuff and sleep somewhere else tonight. He hung up on me then but I worried for nothing but he eventualy calmed down and called me back and said he wasn't going to do that and he apologized. He said he got mad because I'm making a big deal out of nothing. None of those people mean anything, they are just acquaintances and some people from high school. He said that he doesn't want it to seem like he has a seperate life from me, he loves me, is happy with me and doesn't want to leave. At the same time though he feels like he doesn't have to run things by me at all, because he sees as having a page as like running to the gas station to get gas. Does he have to tell me about that? No not really, it would be nice but he doesn't have to. That was his example.
I actually talked to my counselor after our fight and she said that everything that I said I was right on. When he first called I had asked if we could talk about it later so I can calmed down. My counselor feels as that actions speak louder than words. My husband made a comment that we are too different, and I told him yes we are different you are a man and I am a woman and we both have different needs. I know he has a need to have this house clean, and even though I could be happy to be a slob, I decided that yes he has this need so I would like to fulfill it. I don't know if I got to him or not.
Well he came home last night and we talked over the phone again. He apologized and he does see why I would get upset of stuff like this. He did say I was too sensitive about dumb stuff but the truth is I've heard many affairs start off from myspace and it started off with just friends. So maybe I am too paranoid.
I see him making an effort because he was telling me stuff about his friends on his list. And today he got off work early to take us to the beach. He's getting another movie after he gets off of work.
It might be too early to tell if he gets that being honest and open with me is important to me, even though he doesn't feel the same way. Is there any other way I can say it or show it?
How can I make being honest and open not be like having him asking me permission to do stuff?
(I wanted to add that I just finished reading HNHN and I agree with all of it. I won't be able to get him to read it though0
I know it is just a myspace page but I am not happy for 3 reasons.
-He didn't tell me about it.
-He has himself listed single on his page
-He already approved like 3 or 4 women along with 5 guys to be his friend.
I called him on it yesterday with a text, asking him why would he do something like this and not tell me about it. He called me and we've had several conversations about it last night.
I told him what hurted the most was the fact that he said he was single. My (girl) friend said that the default listing is single for myspace, and so I believed him when he says he didn't finish setting up. He didn't write down anything about himself, except that he was a Capricorn but they probably got that because he gave his birthdate. So fine I do believe him there.
I told him that it bothered me that I had to find out like this. He told me that he doesn't think it was a big deal to tell me since it really doesn't mean anything to him. I asked him doesn't he ever think that hmm maybe this is something my wife would want to know. He said yes he thinks that all the time but he does what he wants to do. He doesn't want it to be like he has to ask permission to do things, to run things by me. But I told him it's like he is living a seperate life from me, because I don't know these people at all. And how come I'm not even in his friends list, let alone his number 1 slot. I told him how I want to trust him but when stuff like this happens then it's hard to, and he got mad at that. He doesn't see how having a mysapce page means I don't trust him.
I kept telling him all I was asking was for him to be open and honest with me. I don't see how me asking that is too much. He said if that's the way I want to be I will clock out of work right now and go home pack my stuff and sleep somewhere else tonight. He hung up on me then but I worried for nothing but he eventualy calmed down and called me back and said he wasn't going to do that and he apologized. He said he got mad because I'm making a big deal out of nothing. None of those people mean anything, they are just acquaintances and some people from high school. He said that he doesn't want it to seem like he has a seperate life from me, he loves me, is happy with me and doesn't want to leave. At the same time though he feels like he doesn't have to run things by me at all, because he sees as having a page as like running to the gas station to get gas. Does he have to tell me about that? No not really, it would be nice but he doesn't have to. That was his example.
I actually talked to my counselor after our fight and she said that everything that I said I was right on. When he first called I had asked if we could talk about it later so I can calmed down. My counselor feels as that actions speak louder than words. My husband made a comment that we are too different, and I told him yes we are different you are a man and I am a woman and we both have different needs. I know he has a need to have this house clean, and even though I could be happy to be a slob, I decided that yes he has this need so I would like to fulfill it. I don't know if I got to him or not.
Well he came home last night and we talked over the phone again. He apologized and he does see why I would get upset of stuff like this. He did say I was too sensitive about dumb stuff but the truth is I've heard many affairs start off from myspace and it started off with just friends. So maybe I am too paranoid.
I see him making an effort because he was telling me stuff about his friends on his list. And today he got off work early to take us to the beach. He's getting another movie after he gets off of work.
It might be too early to tell if he gets that being honest and open with me is important to me, even though he doesn't feel the same way. Is there any other way I can say it or show it?
How can I make being honest and open not be like having him asking me permission to do stuff?
(I wanted to add that I just finished reading HNHN and I agree with all of it. I won't be able to get him to read it though0