Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
I really hate myspace. I have one, and when I opened it a long time ago I told him about it. He could care less. I tried to start a page up for him but since he didnt know what he wants to put on there he never got it going. Imagine my surprise when I come across another page with his name on it yesterday and yes it is him.

I know it is just a myspace page but I am not happy for 3 reasons.

-He didn't tell me about it.
-He has himself listed single on his page
-He already approved like 3 or 4 women along with 5 guys to be his friend.

I called him on it yesterday with a text, asking him why would he do something like this and not tell me about it. He called me and we've had several conversations about it last night.

I told him what hurted the most was the fact that he said he was single. My (girl) friend said that the default listing is single for myspace, and so I believed him when he says he didn't finish setting up. He didn't write down anything about himself, except that he was a Capricorn but they probably got that because he gave his birthdate. So fine I do believe him there.

I told him that it bothered me that I had to find out like this. He told me that he doesn't think it was a big deal to tell me since it really doesn't mean anything to him. I asked him doesn't he ever think that hmm maybe this is something my wife would want to know. He said yes he thinks that all the time but he does what he wants to do. He doesn't want it to be like he has to ask permission to do things, to run things by me. But I told him it's like he is living a seperate life from me, because I don't know these people at all. And how come I'm not even in his friends list, let alone his number 1 slot. I told him how I want to trust him but when stuff like this happens then it's hard to, and he got mad at that. He doesn't see how having a mysapce page means I don't trust him.

I kept telling him all I was asking was for him to be open and honest with me. I don't see how me asking that is too much. He said if that's the way I want to be I will clock out of work right now and go home pack my stuff and sleep somewhere else tonight. He hung up on me then but I worried for nothing but he eventualy calmed down and called me back and said he wasn't going to do that and he apologized. He said he got mad because I'm making a big deal out of nothing. None of those people mean anything, they are just acquaintances and some people from high school. He said that he doesn't want it to seem like he has a seperate life from me, he loves me, is happy with me and doesn't want to leave. At the same time though he feels like he doesn't have to run things by me at all, because he sees as having a page as like running to the gas station to get gas. Does he have to tell me about that? No not really, it would be nice but he doesn't have to. That was his example.

I actually talked to my counselor after our fight and she said that everything that I said I was right on. When he first called I had asked if we could talk about it later so I can calmed down. My counselor feels as that actions speak louder than words. My husband made a comment that we are too different, and I told him yes we are different you are a man and I am a woman and we both have different needs. I know he has a need to have this house clean, and even though I could be happy to be a slob, I decided that yes he has this need so I would like to fulfill it. I don't know if I got to him or not.

Well he came home last night and we talked over the phone again. He apologized and he does see why I would get upset of stuff like this. He did say I was too sensitive about dumb stuff but the truth is I've heard many affairs start off from myspace and it started off with just friends. So maybe I am too paranoid.

I see him making an effort because he was telling me stuff about his friends on his list. And today he got off work early to take us to the beach. He's getting another movie after he gets off of work.

It might be too early to tell if he gets that being honest and open with me is important to me, even though he doesn't feel the same way. Is there any other way I can say it or show it?

How can I make being honest and open not be like having him asking me permission to do stuff?

(I wanted to add that I just finished reading HNHN and I agree with all of it. I won't be able to get him to read it though0

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 109
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 109
I just found my wifes myspace page yesterday. She has never really liked or been on computers much at all. It hurt at first because she didn't tell me. Then it hurt more when she is using her maiden name and listed as single.

I haven't seen her yet to ask her about it. Not sure if I'm going to. It is just the fact that she is hiding it. I know that she has opened new e-mail accounts, got her own checking account, and is doing whatever she wants with out telling me.

I have always been honest, truthfull and open with her. And that is what I ask from her also. I don't hide anything from her. She hasn't lied about any of it, she just doesn't tell me anything. It's when I find things out on my own, ask her about it, and it gets turned around that I'm spying on her and she needs her privacy.

I don't have much advice for you, just saw our similarities. My wife won't read any of the books or material either.

Good Luck,
Rummi

Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 17,837
Honest & openness is too much to ask of a WS.

Your H is acting like a WS. Let him know you are aware of his WS attitude. Ask him if that makes him happy. Ask him is it ok if you do the same?

Is there something you both like a lot? Buy it, you use or eat it yourself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> What is this going t/d? Hm.... it is risky but a lesson c/b learned. Let him know u r trying t/b like him.

I tried that on my then WS. I tried to copy his ways and let him feel it. He certainly didnt' iike it. I told him neither do I and what was he going t/d about it. I even told him it is hard to have such a callous attitude, but I'm giving it a try. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Quote
How can I make being honest and open not be like having him asking me permission to do stuff?


you can't make him do/think anything

when H is being honest
and the truth/honesty/behavior/word/deed/whatever ... causes you to be UNhappy

it is your turn to be honest !

say:

"I appreciate your honesty. Your choice to do (behavior) hurts me. Are you aware that (behavior) is a cause of my UNhappiness?"

see if he can answer

YES
or
NO

Allow him to decide if he is aware he is causing your unhappiness

then say:

"Happy marriages, are marriages where both spouses make sure they are NOT the cause of their spouse's unhappiness. I would like to be the cause of your happiness."

then

*quick kiss*

and go about your business

let him think it over

it's probably a NEW concept and will not be taken in immediately

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
Thanks for your advice.

I think at this point in our lives I am happy to be ignorant. So I won't be checking on there anymore. It will only drive me crazy.

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
There's more to the story now.

I followed advice on here and got a keylogger. So I found out his p/w. He got 3 messages from the same girl all in one week. She kept saying how she hope she made him smile. Her last email to him she gave her phone number. He did not read it yet but I did so I erased it as well as the notification sent to his email. She has a boyfriend and 2 kids with him. She told my WH to put *67 when he calls so obviously she doesn't want her boyfriend to know. He put up a picture of himself (one that he took for me!) and she commented on his page "very handsome".

I EXPLODED! I felt that was way out of line to be calling a married man with kids handsome. Am I wrong here ladies? My husband doesn't think so. He thinks it's a compliment and that I should take it like a compliment. We fought about this and he was seriously going to leave me. He said it was over because I am getting mad at him for nothing that he did and that he isn't going to put up with any more [censored]. Luckily he decided to give it one more shot but if I get mad at him for [censored] again he will leave and no turning back.

I am fine with that because he doesnt know that I have his password now does he? I read his other messages. He told his old high school friend (girl) that he is stil married but doesn't know how long it is going to last. This was 2 1/2 weeks ago!! And another one from a girl that he seemed to have picked up from myspace. She is no longer in his friend's list so I suspect it ended. It was just one message and he didn't reply to it.

So I am feeling paranoid and I know that it is rational and justified to feel this way. Friends ask me why am I staying and putting up with it and I tell them it's because I love him. And I believe it's just karma getting back to me for the deeds that I did(he doesn't know about).

We are acting like normal right now. I keep checking to see if that girl writes to him again (since I erased her last message and he didn't respond to her second one I am hoping she thinks he isn't interested ). If she does message him I will erase it before he sees it. Why? I think I"m nipping something in the bud. Should I stop doing this?

My counselor thinks I should just stop looking because it will drive me crazy. I promised myself to only look at his email notifications to see if she wrote if not then leave it alone. I am trying to keep that promise but it's hard.

I put in an add request to be his friend as well as wrote him a message. I told him how happy I was that he decided to give us another shot and reminsced about the good times we'd have as a family. And I sincerly was at the time but the next day all of these paranoia came to me. He read it but he did not respond. He did not add me to his friends list yet. He better. And I need to be his number 1 spot.

Yesterday it was good because I asked if I could take him to the movies and he said yes. He came home and seemed really tired so I opted to do it later on this week. I texted him twice just to say I love him. I slept close to him last night and early this morning I asked if I could sleep in the crook of his arm. He let me for a little bit but he just laid there. I feel like I'm doing too much to feel close to him and I should really give him some space.

I am afraid my love bank is very low right now and I know I have to keep it that way until I get him back to intimacy. I hate that when I thought things were going good (and he agreed it was getting better) he said he always had the D word on the back of his mind. I know he is in the Taker mode right now and follows by the Taker rule. I think if I keep on eliminating my lovebusters and give more then things will get better. I hate that he is getting tempted and even expressed that he doesn't think it is going to last long.

Well I can't leave him not this close to deployment. Divorce is just not an option with me.

I am trying so hard and yet I know by me looking at his stuff is dishonest and one of the lovebusters.

What would you do? Would you continue monitoring and making sure this coworker girl doesn't continue to message him? Or should I just leave it all alone right now because he could figure out it is me and end up leaving me?

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,620
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,620
Quote
My counselor thinks I should just stop looking because it will drive me crazy. I promised myself to only look at his email notifications to see if she wrote if not then leave it alone. I am trying to keep that promise but it's hard


Get another counselor if you are interested in saving your Marriage.

You mentioned something above.....Did you have an affair?

Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
I almost do want another counselor but I don't want to relive everything by going over what's went on in the last 6 months. If he does want to go to marriage counseling then I'll get another one.

Last edited by smileygur80; 07/18/07 03:42 AM.
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 198
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 198
smiley,

I agree w/ the last poster, get another counselor!

There are so many red flags in your sitch, and for your counselor to fail to see them and advise you on how to act on them, you will end up w/ your H having an A on you.

Reading your post is like looking in a mirror of my relationship w/ my WW in the past. Her A started off as "innocent" emails and AIM chat messages with guys she met online playing games. YES, you need to nip this in the bud NOW. If I only knew about MB back then when I first found out about my wife creating a secret second life online, I could have avoided so much pain & devastation.

Read up on HNHN, read up on the articles on this site. You're doing great working on avoiding Lovebusters. Make sure you don't smother him with your affections, it is a fine line b/w meeting his ENs and being smothering. He'll initially be suspiscious of your sudden change in attitude, but time and consistency will prove to him that you are genuine.

I wouldn't reveal at all now your snooping efforts. He is a WH now, so you cannot trust that he will do the right thing and not pursue other women, so you have to put a stop to it.

May God help you in your M and see you through this difficult time, my prayers are with you.


FWH, BS (me), 43
BS, FWW, 42
DS 20, 13

PAs With W's Sister's Friend & Prostitute - SF Only (me), 1992-93
Married July 1994
Hit On W's Underage Sister & Close Friends, 1996-98
I Confessed Everything, Spring 1998
My D-Day, Jan. 2007
She Moved Out, Feb. 2007
Filed For D 4/18/07 For Legal Protection, Did Not Pursue

FWW Moved Back Home 08/05/07
Status: I'm Not Sure
(original thread of my sitch lost)
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 598
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 598
Smiley -

Quote
And I believe it's just karma getting back to me for the deeds that I did(he doesn't know about).

You want honesty and openess from your H, but you're not willing to give him the same?

I think you might benefit by taking a hard look at yourself first. Examine the things you want from your H (and other people), and ask yourself if you are giving those things as well.

Lots of red flags in your situation, I agree. But that one little line you wrote lept out at me more than anything else.

It often takes only one spouse to start repairing a marriage. If you're doing it from the position of a BS, it's going to suck. But the only thing you can really do is change yourself.

So if you want honesty from your H, I suggest you start being honest with him and not hiding things from him. (I'm not judging or implying the severity of your "misdeeds"...that's between you and your H...but if you're willing to hid them from him, you need to ask yourself why).


Formerly known as brokenbird

BH (Me) - 38
WW (Magpie) - 31
Married 2001 (Together 8 years)
DS - 13
DD - 5
EA/PA - 9/05-12/05
D-Day - 11/05

Second separation. Working on me.

If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you.
John 15:7 (NIV)
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
Here's my counselor's position on it.

I have 3 children under the age of 6. If he goes on deployment and we are still married then I can get the funds from the extra money coming in to add to my own account. In the meantime while he is gone, I can start going to school online to get a degree. So basically keep the peace until he deploys. For some reason, while they are there it changes them. She and I are hoping that he will grow up when he's there. If he does decide to divorce me after he gets back then I should have my education set, some funds in the bank (which I don't have much) and maybe an idea of where I want to go, what I want to do.

So keep the peace until he goes.

Every time I snoop into his business and find something I confront him on it, which leads to accusations and big fights. She knows I can't handle finding something without confronting him so she wants me to just assume that it IS going on and that it is not going to change.

I realized after I put that line in how ironic that I want open and honestly but yet I don't do it myself. At this point if I tell him he will definately leave me because he always said he would. It happened long ago, and I regret it a great deal. I just want to forget it ever happened.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 199
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 199
Quote
Here's my counselor's position on it.

I have 3 children under the age of 6. If he goes on deployment and we are still married then I can get the funds from the extra money coming in to add to my own account. In the meantime while he is gone, I can start going to school online to get a degree. So basically keep the peace until he deploys. For some reason, while they are there it changes them. She and I are hoping that he will grow up when he's there. If he does decide to divorce me after he gets back then I should have my education set, some funds in the bank (which I don't have much) and maybe an idea of where I want to go, what I want to do.

Your counselor sounds like a real winner. I guess Ethics was an elective for them????

Good luck.


grindnfool
M-13 years
D-Day 10/26/06
Divorced 11.2007
DS-16, DD-9
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 491
That is what I thought. I want to make my marriage stronger before he leaves, not just wait it out. But she said she is just concerned for the kids.


Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5