I just read this and got sick to my stomach. Is this really just the bottom line here? That men will stay "hopelessly" in love with their OW's?
My husband, I believe, is especially suseptible to this for a lot of reasons.
So I guess my question is, are we just kidding ourselves here? What's the point?
rlt - perhaps you are just looking for things to justify NOT reaching "Recovered?"
If you are talking about a Class II, emotionally entangled affair, then "of course" there were "feelings" that were involved that had "feels good" reactions.
But "feels good" is a "fantasy" part of all relationships, including those between a husband and wife. The affair did NOT have all the "day to day realities" of marriage, though, and most often the "not so good" things were overlooked or denied in order to maintain the "feel good" feelings.
Emotional feelings ARE real, there is no denying that. We are all capable of "feeling good" about someone and responding to those feelings IF we do not have Standards in place that will govern how we allow, or refuse to allow, ourselves to ACT on those feelings. The "Standard" of God, for example, is that marriage is for life and "thou shalt NOT" with anyone other than your spouse, no matter what the temptation or emotional reactions to those temptations. The "strength" of chosen Standards, is in my opinion, the single biggest key in the successful or unsuccessful recovery of a marriage that HAS been "nuked" by the failure of previous Standards to be inforced.
That is why I have often said that TRUST is essential to full recovery and THIS issue you raise, whether the WS was the male or the female, is the "last" wall of "separation" that needs to come down before a couple can truly reach recovered.
As Mimi was saying, a Class II affair had a strong "addictive" component to it, and just like a former alcoholic will "always" be an addict, may think fondly about the "good feelings" that were a part of the addiction while not thinking fondly of the "bad things" associated with being a drunk. They remain in "recovery" from alcoholism for the rest of their lives, but they LEARN to enjoy reality and to enjoy being in control of their emotions instead of letting their emotions control them. Those around them learn, over time, to TRUST they will not "slip back into alcoholism" because TIME and ACTIONS have reestablished their trustworthiness. However, no one has to choose to trust them, they can always live in fear that they will slip back into the bottle, if that is how they choose to live their life, in fear or a desire to "never let go" and open themselves up to the POTENTIAL to be hurt whenever someone chooses to trust someone else.
If you feel "secure," you are likely to GIVE trust. If you feel "insecure," you are unlikely to give trust and prefer to stay in "Taker mode" and keep the barriers up in order to protect yourself from the "possibility" of being hurt again.
The FACT remains that a WS in a Class II affair
did "prefer" someone else over you, their spouse, at that time in their life. The past cannot be changed. Recollections of past actions and the "motivations" behind them CAN be reevaluated and new choices made based upon a clear evaluation (not "Fogbound") of the "rationalizations and justifications" that were used and the WS can see the "big picture" again. In short, you, the BS can get your husband/wife back again as the "alien" within departs and is seen for the "hollowness and shallowness" of just giving into emotions as the controlling factor in our actions.
Remember, rlt, LOVE is first and foremost an action VERB. ACTING in love is a choice. LUSTING is NOT the same thing as LOVE. LOVE has many dimensions that far exceed a "warm fuzzy feeling" and LOVE "stands the test of time."
IF that were NOT true, there would be
"NO" recovered marriages because not ONE Betrayed Spouse would choose to "love anyway" in defiance of the very real emotional pain that they endure in order to even attempt to recover their marriages. It has been said many times that Recover is NOT for the "faint of heart." It is HARD. It takes TIME. It is a "roller coaster." There are NEW changes that each spouse must make not only to "make themselves attractive" to their spouse, but to facilitate the ability to trust again. There is, in my opinion, no greater LOVE for someone than to trust them with your heart. With love comes the tandem fragility of that heart as you lower your guard and, in effect, say "my heart is in your hand, massage it with love or squeeze it until it stops beating. I
TRUST you to NOT be the source of pain and anguish to my heart again."
Remember the "threefold promise" that a forgiver makes to the one being forgiven? The point about "not dwelling" on the affair is integral to full forgiveness and full recovery. It is my belief that no one can lower the protective barriers around their heart and ALLOW themselves to fully trust again as long as they CHOOSE to dwell on the negatives and PAST experiences.
If is for reasons such as those, that recovery takes YEARS. It is why it takes BOTH spouses WORKING at recovery to make it a successful recovery.
CAN you fail? Yes. Will you fail? You are LIVING in a future of your own making if you answer that question with a "yes." All any of us has is TODAY. The future is in God's hands. God holds the promises and He is faithful to ALL of His promises if we simply trust Him and ACT in obedience to His "Standards," individually and as husbands and wives. WHO is the completely "Trustworthy" one in a marriage covenant? WHO can give anyone the "motivation" for a "new set of personal Standards" that supercedes a fallen nature?
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on
these things. The things you have learned
and received and heard ans saw in me, these
do, and the God of peace
will be with you." (Philippians 4:6-9 NKJV, emphasis added)
God bless.