I decided to start this thread for those WS who say they want to recover, but are struggling with HOW to recover.

They seem to get plenty of advice on what to DO, but not much on what NOT to do.

BS, please pop in with stuff that made recovery hard for you.

I'm going to use my own experiences. And, BTW, although my WH is now being faithful, he still has a WS ATTITUDE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

1. Do NOT announce/indicate to your BS that "you are not going to be punished."

Punishment seems to be the fear of most WS. While the thought of separating certain body parts from our WS may occasionally come to mind, I don't think most of us want to punish our WS, so much as we want to restore our marriages and feel loved by our WS. BEAR IN MIND THAT YOUR AFFAIR FEELS LIKE PUNISHMENT TO YOUR BS!

2. Do not operate under the assumption that your BS doesn't need to know everything you do. Your word that your affair is over is not good enough. You have to EARN trust, again. Trust is not an entitlement.

3. Do not verbally/emotionally/physically abuse your BS. If he/she tries to tell you how he/she feels, do NOT tell her she is effing crazy, blah, blah, blah.

4. Do NOT blame your BS for your affair. Your BS was NOT standing there, holding a gun to your head, telling you to go ahead and boink that POS OM/OW.

5. Do NOT think you can carry on a "friendship" with the OM/OW. ANY contact at all is like a sharp knife being twisted in your BS's guts.

6. Here is one "DO" for you...which mostly is covered by the above: LOSE THE ATTITUDE!

Don't plan on "pretending it never happened".

Don't think that the BS "will never forgive you".

Don't expect everything will get better right away.

Don't minimize the pain your BS is going through. (Don't tell them to "get over it already".

Don't keep the secret to yourself and think you can rebuild your marriage with that huge secret and expect your BS to know what to do without having all the information.

Just thought of another "do not" that my WH did. Other BS might not feel the same way that I do.

Do not try to make light of any cheating by claiming that the "OP was nothing" or "He/she didn't mean anything."

If the OP was nothing, then what did that make ME for however long it took to boink him/her? It made ME LESS than nothing! To my WH, anyway. Not for real, though. Just made me FEEL that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Indicate in any way that you feel pity for OP. They knowingly helped you commit adultry, no one forced them either.

Keep any mementos of the OP or A around so your poor BS can find them and suffer a new d-day....the first was more that enough for a lifetime.

Make excuses

DON'T...

...stop meeting your BSs ENs, even if they stop meeting yours for a time. REMEMBER that for many BSs, we met YOUR needs selfessly and without ANY return during Plan A, oftentimes for months at a time, while you were having an affair and having your needs met by someone else, or just plain old way foggy.

...forget that the BS wants/needs to be FOUGHT FOR, just like we fought for the FWS and the marriage.

...threaten divorce, even if the BS does. The BS has the RIGHT to divorce; to hear the FWS even utter the word, like they are "fed up" with recovery too, is cruel and thoughtless after everything the BS has been though.

...forget that your BS is offering you a LOT of grace by just being here and being willing to try to forgive you. Don't abuse it.

...forget to THANK THEM for this. It is harder and more torturous than you can imagine.

Don't immediately say "I DON'T KNOW/REMEMBER" when asked a question just so you won't look worse in the eyes of the BS. They have a right to know and WSs don't have the right to withhold information.

And if in ALL HONESTY you don't know or don't remember, pause, think about the question, reflect...and if that's the truthful answer...use other words to explain your lack of logic or memory at that time.


Also "Here we go again" doesn't sit well with a BS who is trying desperately to recover and wants to discuss more details. They have to process the information and the sooner they have it, the sooner it will get processed once and for all.

Don't keep the OW's birthday as the password to your cell phone and then claim you forgot what it represented. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Don't assume you KNOW what's best for the BS, or hold out in the interest of protecting the BS when it comes to revealing details.

Do not, do not, do not, withhold pertinent facts about the affair. This is one of the absolute DUMBEST things a WS will do. It causes nothing but trouble because every tid bit that comes out puts both the BS and the WS back to DAY 1 of recovery. With each new revelation, the WS' trust level just sinks further into the abyss.

It is always better to get it all out in ONE BIG DUMP and take ONE HIT rather than dying a death of a thousand cuts when your BS drags it out of you bit by bit. Most BS' are like BLOOD HOUNDS on a scent, they KNOW when they are being conned and won't give up until they drag every last bit out.

So, do yourself a favor and get the truth out FAST so you move forward faster.

Don't try to keep doing everything YOU want to do without including/considering your spouse. Especially if what you want to do ever involved the OP.

QUIT LYING ... and lying includes, "lies of omission" and empty/broken promises.

Don't act like you are doing your BS a favor by staying in the relationship and acting like the A never happened

(in other words don't adopt a 'forget and move on' mindset)

HERE'S A GOOD ONE-

DONT SAY/ASK: "Why would I lie?" As if even though you were caught in a lie yesterday, 10 hours ago, before my last question, it dont matter because all of a sudden, its ridiculous that BS would even not believe you. Because Now you're (WS) telling the truth.

DON'T KEEP SAYING "Even though it was my (WS) fault that the affair happen, you (BS) played a part." As if you just have to share the blame with someone. OK BS acknowledge EN not being met...so deal with it...quit mentioning BS everytime you blame yourself for the A.

DON'T LIE, STOP LYING DAMNIT.

DON'T ignore BS questioning....the only reason BS keeps pestering you with questions is because you won't be open and honest the first, 2nd, 3rd times.

DON'T SAY "Duh, I know you're hurting, I get that, but what am I suppose to do?"

DO NOT DO NOT DOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT: Think that you can leave OP alone all by yourself (handle OP). Its an addiction. You need help, you will relapse if you try to do it alone. Don't resist telling BS your true feelings at the time. It could save you from breaking NC. And as mentioned b4: DO NOT THINK YOU CAN STILL BE FRIENDS WITH OP. Gessh!

If there is contact with OP, accidental or otherwise, do not try and hide it. Tell BS immediately!

DON'T...

Act like everything your BS did to save his/her M with you was crazy and you just happened to come back despite that. You may not realize how much pain, suffering, and sacrifice they endured to be your lighthouse when YOU were NUTS, but you will someday.

Think that exposure was a malicious act done out of spite. It is often the only sword your BS had to fight your ADULTERY with. Thank the Lord your spouse had the strength to pick it up and swing it. If your BS can forgive your ADULTERY, then you can forgive a MINOR thing such as exposure.

Tell your BS what they are thinking. They know full well what they are thinking. It's your turn to listen and let them tell you what they are or were thinking and feeling. Remember the green pea soup that came out of your mouth when you were in La-la land? Your BS listened to you and bit their lip while you twisted a knife in their guts. It's your turn to listen.

Try and make excuses or minimize the horrendous act you have performed. There is no excuse, it is NEVER "Ok" to commit adultery. Ever. Period. As for minimizing, such as "We only had sex a few times..." "It was everything but...". "It was only emotional". Ka-ka. It's like an abuser saying "I only pushed her". That's what it is, severe emotional abuse. Nothing less. Stop abusing your spouse and start healing...together.

Don't think you're such a danged prize because two people want you. Cuz, trust me, you aren't...not as long as you keep your wayward ways!

Remember that one of the people who wants you is skanky, and that isn't your BS.

These are ALL really great posts...hopefully some WSs and FWSs will read it and take it to heart. I know it is not easy, as they are hurting too...but your BS NEEDS you right now...

[P.S. Hi and waving to all of my friends here...I miss you all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> ]

And as frustrating as it may be to you to not be trusted, accept that, realize that you acted UNTRUSTWORTHY in the worst possible way and that just because you know that you are now doing the right thing, the BS does not know that and probably won't for sometime...They need your reassurance...your humbleness...your willingness to show them just how trustworthy you are now-go out of your way to do this-it will serve you both well in the long run...Do EVERYTHING in your power to SHOW them your remorse...your empathy...your genuineness...you owe it to BOTH of you and your children if you have them...VOLUNTEER to show them just how committed to them you are...Offer things like taking a polygraph...putting a GPS on your car...a keylogger on your computer...BE AN OPEN BOOK and THANK THEM for being there...They don't owe you...YOU owe them...And yes, ONE DAY it will be on "equal footing" again...but that takes TIME and EFFORT from you...Once all of those things are done, you can BOTH approach RECOVERY as a TEAM...That is the ONLY way it works...

Mrs. W

Please do not ever say, "Well, I'm here, aren't I?'

This is massivly insulting to the BS, as if your mere physical presence should be enough for them. Well, it's NOT enough.

Merely plopping your hiney down inside the house, doing your best to ignore the BS because they're "crazy" and insisting that this should be enough for them does NOT make anyone a husband or a wife. It just makes you an arrogant freeloader, and sorry, the BS is looking for a h*ll of a lot more than that.

A h*ll of a lot more.
Mulan

The key here is NOT AS LONG AS YOU KEEP YOUR WAYWARD WAYS.

There is SOMETHING good about the WS/FWS, or the BS wouldn't be fighting so hard. It's the "WAYWARD WAYS" that screws things up.

ROFLMAO on this one!

Very good points...excellent, in fact!

I heard these very same word in our mc's office. I offered to give up on MY plan and aquiese to others's plan. When MC asked my w how she felt about that, she answer: "well I'm her aren't I?"

This thread has brought me to tears, as I have heard all of this over and over again. I printed this entire thread for my W to read. However, I doubt she ever will, let alone take it to heart.

The litmus test is in progress, we shall see. based on my other posts, you folks may be absolutely right.
'
New possibilities, must now exist, or I am nothing.

I will not be disrespected forever. It is not my nature.

All blessings,
Jerry

Jerry, it is that attitude of "So what if you're hurt? The only thing that really matters is what *I* want and you just have to suck it up." that is a killer to the relationship, IMO.

The BS feel as if everything has been ripped away from them. We do not feel LOVED...because if our spouses REALLY LOVED US, surely they never would have done such a horrible thing! Then, they end the affair (hopefully) and come home, but they don't understand that THEY ALSO have changes to make!

The BS simply cannot just decide, "Oh, my WS does love me!" Nope, it doesn't work that way. The wayward spouse is gonna have to PROVE that the love is there, if indeed it is.

My WH is not cheating now, but he still has the wayward mindset.

For example, if I happen to pick up his phone and scroll through the calls, he'll have something to say about it. I just ask him, "Got something to hide?" and then he'll shut up.

He has never told me the whole truth, and probably never will. He is not transparent, although I can usually find out where he's been/what he's doing on my own.

He scoffs at the notion that he should not interact one-on-one with any woman...says he's not going to cheat and he's going to keep his friends. Really? Well, he promised me some 37 years ago that he wasn't going to cheat.

Anything I have expressed a special wish for has been openly denied to me.

For instance, I once wanted us to renew our wedding vows, because I feel like a wife who does NOT have a husband. He quit being my husband the first time he cheated. Now? I don't want to, because I'd be marrying the same person who cheated on me to start with.

Why am I not divorced? Because of age, finances, health, and family.

He does treat me better now. Only very occasional lapses into verbal abuse, to which I quickly put a stop.

I don't need him to make me happy. It takes very little to make me happy, and I keep myself busy.

And, I CHOOSE to love him every day. Yeah, somedays, I think I'd just like to rip his head off, but I still choose to love him for the good things that I DO see in him.

I just wish he loved me enough to really be remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild our marriage into a mutually happy and satisfying one.

Do not indulge in independent behavior.

What that means is to not carry on as if you are single and have no one else to consider when it comes to planning activities.

For instance, indulging in recreational activities (especially those involving both sexes) without your BS or without his/her enthusiastic agreement.

Your BS is not your babysitter; you had children so you could raise them TOGETHER.

Do not try to CONTROL your BS with anger when your BS expresses unhappiness with your lack of real participation in marital recovery.

LC, I am sorry to hear that things are so rough for you. I give you a lot of credit for staying, I could not do it if I were you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> This has been way too painful ~ I will not be able to stay unless things become "wonderful" ~ better even then they ever were.

And don't get so cocky to assume that the BS will always be willing to take you back if you break NC.

And don't say it wasn't an affair because it wasn't physical only online joking. Funny he doesn't want his friends or grown daughters to read his "jokingly" banter.

MarriedForever,

Sometimes it is rough..when I get to dwelling on things.

I wish I had been stronger years ago.

I have to own my own contribution, or lack therof, to this situation.

For too many years, I allowed myself to be blinded, to be gaslighted, and I did not stand up for myself.

My H is not a bad person in general, but he is a person with issues, who chooses not to see that he HAS issues.

We get along very well now. The verbal abuse has stopped, with only a couple of small relapses in the past year or so.

He knows that there are things for which I have not yet forgiven him. Not all are related to his adultery, and he has not asked for forgiveness.

While he has shown very little in the way of remorse for ANYTHING he's ever done in his life, in some areas, he HAS made changes.

What I feel now is more of a residual sadness and regret.
I get by as long as I don't think about our situation too much, but I still shed tears from time to time.

He still wants to engage in some independent activities. At this point, so long as the activities don't include other women and are not a constant thing, I'm fine with it.
I'm a person who needs quite a bit of "alone" time, so this works for me. I guess I'm guilty of independent behavior myself, or maybe being alone is just what I'm used to.

He is more affectionate in ways and makes the effort to talk with me more.

I will say this, though.

If I had to do it over, I would not have stayed married and put up with so much just because of the kids. Why? Because I can see how everything has affected the kids and been carried over into their adulthood.

Even 9 years ago, when he finally admitted to the ONS, I should have kicked him out when he announced, "I am not going to be punished."

The ATTITUDE is something that I don't think I would put up with again if I was younger.

The ATTITUDE is basically the source of any disagreement that my H and I have today. I DO call him on it.

The last time H and I had a "go-'round" about his cheating and his attitude, I asked him, "Why would it make you feel better if I wouldn't keep going on and asking questions about your cheating? Don't you think that would indicate that I don't CARE about or LOVE you?"

He hasn't answered that question yet.
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