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I decided to start this thread for those WS who say they want to recover, but are struggling with HOW to recover.

They seem to get plenty of advice on what to DO, but not much on what NOT to do.

BS, please pop in with stuff that made recovery hard for you.

I'm going to use my own experiences. And, BTW, although my WH is now being faithful, he still has a WS ATTITUDE. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

1. Do NOT announce/indicate to your BS that "you are not going to be punished."

Punishment seems to be the fear of most WS. While the thought of separating certain body parts from our WS may occasionally come to mind, I don't think most of us want to punish our WS, so much as we want to restore our marriages and feel loved by our WS. BEAR IN MIND THAT YOUR AFFAIR FEELS LIKE PUNISHMENT TO YOUR BS!

2. Do not operate under the assumption that your BS doesn't need to know everything you do. Your word that your affair is over is not good enough. You have to EARN trust, again. Trust is not an entitlement.

3. Do not verbally/emotionally/physically abuse your BS. If he/she tries to tell you how he/she feels, do NOT tell her she is effing crazy, blah, blah, blah.

4. Do NOT blame your BS for your affair. Your BS was NOT standing there, holding a gun to your head, telling you to go ahead and boink that POS OM/OW.

5. Do NOT think you can carry on a "friendship" with the OM/OW. ANY contact at all is like a sharp knife being twisted in your BS's guts.

6. Here is one "DO" for you...which mostly is covered by the above: LOSE THE ATTITUDE!


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Don't plan on "pretending it never happened".

Don't think that the BS "will never forgive you".

Don't expect everything will get better right away.

Don't minimize the pain your BS is going through. (Don't tell them to "get over it already".

Don't keep the secret to yourself and think you can rebuild your marriage with that huge secret and expect your BS to know what to do without having all the information.

Last edited by Owl; 09/13/07 01:22 PM.
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Just thought of another "do not" that my WH did. Other BS might not feel the same way that I do.

Do not try to make light of any cheating by claiming that the "OP was nothing" or "He/she didn't mean anything."

If the OP was nothing, then what did that make ME for however long it took to boink him/her? It made ME LESS than nothing! To my WH, anyway. Not for real, though. Just made me FEEL that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Indicate in any way that you feel pity for OP. They knowingly helped you commit adultry, no one forced them either.

Keep any mementos of the OP or A around so your poor BS can find them and suffer a new d-day....the first was more that enough for a lifetime.

Make excuses


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
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DON'T...

...stop meeting your BSs ENs, even if they stop meeting yours for a time. REMEMBER that for many BSs, we met YOUR needs selfessly and without ANY return during Plan A, oftentimes for months at a time, while you were having an affair and having your needs met by someone else, or just plain old way foggy.

...forget that the BS wants/needs to be FOUGHT FOR, just like we fought for the FWS and the marriage.

...threaten divorce, even if the BS does. The BS has the RIGHT to divorce; to hear the FWS even utter the word, like they are "fed up" with recovery too, is cruel and thoughtless after everything the BS has been though.

...forget that your BS is offering you a LOT of grace by just being here and being willing to try to forgive you. Don't abuse it.

...forget to THANK THEM for this. It is harder and more torturous than you can imagine.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Don't immediately say "I DON'T KNOW/REMEMBER" when asked a question just so you won't look worse in the eyes of the BS. They have a right to know and WSs don't have the right to withhold information.

And if in ALL HONESTY you don't know or don't remember, pause, think about the question, reflect...and if that's the truthful answer...use other words to explain your lack of logic or memory at that time.


Also "Here we go again" doesn't sit well with a BS who is trying desperately to recover and wants to discuss more details. They have to process the information and the sooner they have it, the sooner it will get processed once and for all.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
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Don't keep the OW's birthday as the password to your cell phone and then claim you forgot what it represented. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Don't assume you KNOW what's best for the BS, or hold out in the interest of protecting the BS when it comes to revealing details.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Do not, do not, do not, withhold pertinent facts about the affair. This is one of the absolute DUMBEST things a WS will do. It causes nothing but trouble because every tid bit that comes out puts both the BS and the WS back to DAY 1 of recovery. With each new revelation, the WS' trust level just sinks further into the abyss.

It is always better to get it all out in ONE BIG DUMP and take ONE HIT rather than dying a death of a thousand cuts when your BS drags it out of you bit by bit. Most BS' are like BLOOD HOUNDS on a scent, they KNOW when they are being conned and won't give up until they drag every last bit out.

So, do yourself a favor and get the truth out FAST so you move forward faster.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Don't try to keep doing everything YOU want to do without including/considering your spouse. Especially if what you want to do ever involved the OP.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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QUIT LYING ... and lying includes, "lies of omission" and empty/broken promises.

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Don't act like you are doing your BS a favor by staying in the relationship and acting like the A never happened

(in other words don't adopt a 'forget and move on' mindset)


BS(Me) - 47
Ex-W - 44
D final - Dec 08
Kids - 14s,13d,8d
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HERE'S A GOOD ONE-

DONT SAY/ASK: "Why would I lie?" As if even though you were caught in a lie yesterday, 10 hours ago, before my last question, it dont matter because all of a sudden, its ridiculous that BS would even not believe you. Because Now you're (WS) telling the truth.

DON'T KEEP SAYING "Even though it was my (WS) fault that the affair happen, you (BS) played a part." As if you just have to share the blame with someone. OK BS acknowledge EN not being met...so deal with it...quit mentioning BS everytime you blame yourself for the A.

DON'T LIE, STOP LYING DAMNIT.

DON'T ignore BS questioning....the only reason BS keeps pestering you with questions is because you won't be open and honest the first, 2nd, 3rd times.

DON'T SAY "Duh, I know you're hurting, I get that, but what am I suppose to do?"

DO NOT DO NOT DOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTT: Think that you can leave OP alone all by yourself (handle OP). Its an addiction. You need help, you will relapse if you try to do it alone. Don't resist telling BS your true feelings at the time. It could save you from breaking NC. And as mentioned b4: DO NOT THINK YOU CAN STILL BE FRIENDS WITH OP. Gessh!


BS (Me) 27 WH 26 M 03/2005 D-Day 06/20/2007 2 DS: 2.5 years and 1 year old Plan A 8/04/2007 Plan B 10/06/2007 NC 10/12/2007 On the road to recovery 11/06/2007
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If there is contact with OP, accidental or otherwise, do not try and hide it. Tell BS immediately!


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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DON'T...

Act like everything your BS did to save his/her M with you was crazy and you just happened to come back despite that. You may not realize how much pain, suffering, and sacrifice they endured to be your lighthouse when YOU were NUTS, but you will someday.

Think that exposure was a malicious act done out of spite. It is often the only sword your BS had to fight your ADULTERY with. Thank the Lord your spouse had the strength to pick it up and swing it. If your BS can forgive your ADULTERY, then you can forgive a MINOR thing such as exposure.

Tell your BS what they are thinking. They know full well what they are thinking. It's your turn to listen and let them tell you what they are or were thinking and feeling. Remember the green pea soup that came out of your mouth when you were in La-la land? Your BS listened to you and bit their lip while you twisted a knife in their guts. It's your turn to listen.

Try and make excuses or minimize the horrendous act you have performed. There is no excuse, it is NEVER "Ok" to commit adultery. Ever. Period. As for minimizing, such as "We only had sex a few times..." "It was everything but...". "It was only emotional". Ka-ka. It's like an abuser saying "I only pushed her". That's what it is, severe emotional abuse. Nothing less. Stop abusing your spouse and start healing...together.


BS (Me) - 33 WW - 31 Married 14 years, together 17 Daughter: 16 yrs old Separated: 12/29/06 D-Day: 2/2/07, EA/PA With Co-Worker Plan B Started: 3/6/07 D filed by WW: 4/18/07 Olive Branch offered (Plan B resumed after): 8/8/07 R Attempt by WW: 9/1/07 NC Established: 9/4/07 NC Broken: 9/5/07, 9/6/07 Status: Plan B, Pt. II (9/10/07)
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Don't think you're such a danged prize because two people want you. Cuz, trust me, you aren't...not as long as you keep your wayward ways!

Remember that one of the people who wants you is skanky, and that isn't your BS.

Last edited by Lady_Clueless; 09/13/07 04:23 PM.

"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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These are ALL really great posts...hopefully some WSs and FWSs will read it and take it to heart. I know it is not easy, as they are hurting too...but your BS NEEDS you right now...

[P.S. Hi and waving to all of my friends here...I miss you all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> ]


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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And as frustrating as it may be to you to not be trusted, accept that, realize that you acted UNTRUSTWORTHY in the worst possible way and that just because you know that you are now doing the right thing, the BS does not know that and probably won't for sometime...They need your reassurance...your humbleness...your willingness to show them just how trustworthy you are now-go out of your way to do this-it will serve you both well in the long run...Do EVERYTHING in your power to SHOW them your remorse...your empathy...your genuineness...you owe it to BOTH of you and your children if you have them...VOLUNTEER to show them just how committed to them you are...Offer things like taking a polygraph...putting a GPS on your car...a keylogger on your computer...BE AN OPEN BOOK and THANK THEM for being there...They don't owe you...YOU owe them...And yes, ONE DAY it will be on "equal footing" again...but that takes TIME and EFFORT from you...Once all of those things are done, you can BOTH approach RECOVERY as a TEAM...That is the ONLY way it works...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Please do not ever say, "Well, I'm here, aren't I?'

This is massivly insulting to the BS, as if your mere physical presence should be enough for them. Well, it's NOT enough.

Merely plopping your hiney down inside the house, doing your best to ignore the BS because they're "crazy" and insisting that this should be enough for them does NOT make anyone a husband or a wife. It just makes you an arrogant freeloader, and sorry, the BS is looking for a h*ll of a lot more than that.

A h*ll of a lot more.
Mulan


Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Quote
Don't think you're such a danged prize because two people want you. Cuz, trust me, you aren't...not as long as you keep your wayward ways!

The key here is NOT AS LONG AS YOU KEEP YOUR WAYWARD WAYS.

There is SOMETHING good about the WS/FWS, or the BS wouldn't be fighting so hard. It's the "WAYWARD WAYS" that screws things up.

Quote
Remember that one of the people who wants you is skanky, and that isn't your BS.
ROFLMAO on this one!


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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