Overcoming the initial hurt. - 09/28/07 09:22 PM
The Brief Version
~July WW enters Withdrawal from me, I follow soon after.
~09/06 WW says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you
09/08 WW leaves to have some time to think about our relationship
09/12 WW informs me of the sexual infidelity
09/17 I move back in with my parents, leaving her and the kids in the apartment.
09/21 Discovered marriagebuilders.com
The Story (For those who care to read it)
When my wife and I met it was instant love, but things got difficult almost immideately thereafter. I had an XGF that prior to meeting my wife that I was having a FWB relationship with. She had other partners, as did I. As soon as I met my WW I put an end to all FWB privileges with the XGF.
Shortly after my WW and I were dating my XGF calls and says she is pregnant, she had had unprotected sex with someone. She says she wants an abortion but none of her friends can take her, would I drive her there, she has already arranged someone to pick her up. She lived out of town, so I drove there arriving at ~11pm no hugs, and very little spoken. I went to bed in the spare room. Wake up @7am drop her off and and come home. (this is where my first major mistake happened) I did not tell my WW what was going on, or Honestly *who* she was. I left it as "A Friend needs a ride"
The XGF calls and begins to go ballistic, trying to call me 200-500 times a day. During this time my WW finds out that my "friend" was my XGF. She gives me a black eye. Accusations of infidelity begin here and persist for the following 5 years.
From the moment I met my WW I have never been unfaithful, emotionally or physically, to my WW.
Years pass, things are going well, and out of the blue my XGF calls my phone, sends letters etc.. During one of the times I picked up to tell her to stop calling me or I would file harassment charges vs her she tells me that she hired a PI to find me. WW (Pregnant w/ our son) takes the phone and tells the XGF to F*** Off, never call again etc.. XGF says that she hopes our baby dies, and hangs up. So far that is the last I have heard of her..
A couple more years pass and we are married in a big ceremony. It was near this time that things started a downhill slide. It was very slow at first.
More problems happen more often, she asks me to change certain behaviors, but I cant keep my commitment to maintain these changes. I always lapse back into being a passenger in the marriage.
My WW demands more time with me, so I drop out of college.
Our fights are growing more intense. Every other week is a new accusation of me being unfaithful. She tells me that she *knows* I'm having an affair with the receptionist (also married w/ kids) at my place of employment. I respond to all these accusations with
"I am not having an affair, and if it bothers you that I work in an office where a woman is also employed, I will quit my job tomorrow and find one where there are no women". She would leave it alone, yet bring it up randomly thought our new "bad" relationship.
It was during this time that I began playing a MMORPG. For those of you who don't know just google it and see how many marriages have suffered because of these types of games. I would play it a little at home at first. Then during lunch hour at work too. Soon it was rare that I was not online during entire workday. I was still not getting enough playtime to be satisfied, so I began playing it at home more. This upset the WW which made the marriage more uncomfortable, and made me want to play the game even more. Eventually she began playing with me.
Enter the OM.
I would help her play and develop her character when I was home playing (at this point I was no longer playing at work at all). She began wanting to play more than just the time I was home, so I introduced her to one of my friends on the game. I had been in and out of conversation with him for almost 3 years at this point. I had been confiding in him the problems I was experiencing in my marriage, and how I was afraid to try to talk to her about how I felt for fear of driving her away from me.
WW starts playing all day with the OM. chatting etc. When I come home now she wants nothing to do with me. We rarely say anything that isn't absolutely necessary to each other. All that mattered was the game.
She wakes me up in the middle of the night a couple weeks later (she had been up all night playing the game) and tells me that she doesn't think she loves me anymore.
I know I did not respond well as I had been getting 2-4 hours of sleep a night for almost 4 months at this point and it was taking its toll on my health and my mind.
She felt that I wasn't very concerned and left to go back to the game.
Three days later she tells me that she wants to go somewhere, just a vacation by herself. I feel the curtain of dread fall. "She is going to leave me" I think. I say ok, you can spend some time at the beach, go to Las Vegas whatever, let me know where you are wanting to go. She comes back to me a couple hours later and says I want to go to <Insert major city on the other side of the country here>. At this time I still considered the OM to be my friend, and did not realize how far their emotional relationship had gone.
She wanted to go to the area the OM lived and do the tourist stuff. Out of desperation and fear of being left alone completely I allowed her to go in spite of my better judgment.
The night before she leaves I express to her that I have fears she will be unfaithful with the OM. She ensures me that they are "Just Friends" and she could never do that to me or her children.
Four days pass and she is too busy to talk to me while she is out of state, just 5-10 minutes conversations at most. I am missing her terribly at this point, and begin my decent into depression. I pick her up when she arrives back home and something is different about her. She is distant and wont talk to me at all. She tells me that we should talk after I get off work that night.
I come home expecting the worst.. That she doesn't want to be married anymore. What she ends up telling me shattered my world more than I could have ever imagined.
She tells me that on her last night there after they had gone to a restaurant for dinner together that they had sex. She used that phrase too, she did not say "made love", or "slept together". They had sex. A person I had considered a friend, and my Wife both betrayed the one trust I thought could never be broken.
I was completely devastated.
I try to live in the same house with her, being the best husband I can be. I have completely disconnected myself from the game that had been eating all my time and recognize the addiction I had for it. She refuses to stop playing, and refuses to stop talking to him.
She would call him several times a day while I was home watching the kids so she could play her game undistracted. It was literally and figuratively killing me. I try to force her to talk to me about her feelings and what we could do to resolve this.
She began talking about being honest and asks me again about when I spent the night at my XGF's house 5 years ago. I reiterate to her that I did not have sex with her. I did not kiss or hug her. We barely spoke. She still doesn't believe me.
She tells me that the OM has told her he loves her. I ask if she loves him. She says "I don't know, but I do care about him a lot". As the week slowly crawls on I'm hurting more and more every day, and I express myself to her, and being honest and answering her questions I express my anger towards the OM. She forces me to apologize to him about some very angry and mean things i said to him. I regret allowing myself to do that now.
The beginning of the next week I cant focus at work, so I leave early from work. Call my mother to have her get the kids. Go buy a bouquet of flowers and a blank card. I arrive at home and give her the flowers and the card, and tell her I cant be here anymore if she refuses to stop her affair.
She tells me that she will not stop, and out of anger I tell her to leave. I leave the house first though. The next day she calls me and I explain to her that it was out of hurt and anger that i kicked her out of the house I did not intend to leave her and the kids homeless. The apartment was hers. I will be moved out by the time she gets back.
We are a week past that now, and phone records show she is spending no less than 4 hours a day talking to him, in addition to IM and talking to him in-game.
I bring the phone bill to her and tell her to knock it off. I am not paying for her to talk to the man she is having an affair with. She again refuses to stop talking to him and has, in fact, increased the amount of time on the phone.
I am at my wits end. I love my Wife very much, and I love my kids even more. I don't exactly know what to do, but I am reading and learning how to deal with an adulterous spouse. In the process I'm trying to become a better person for my future's sake.. regardless of the outcome of my marriage.
If you made it this far I commend you on your commitment.
~July WW enters Withdrawal from me, I follow soon after.
~09/06 WW says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you
09/08 WW leaves to have some time to think about our relationship
09/12 WW informs me of the sexual infidelity
09/17 I move back in with my parents, leaving her and the kids in the apartment.
09/21 Discovered marriagebuilders.com
The Story (For those who care to read it)
When my wife and I met it was instant love, but things got difficult almost immideately thereafter. I had an XGF that prior to meeting my wife that I was having a FWB relationship with. She had other partners, as did I. As soon as I met my WW I put an end to all FWB privileges with the XGF.
Shortly after my WW and I were dating my XGF calls and says she is pregnant, she had had unprotected sex with someone. She says she wants an abortion but none of her friends can take her, would I drive her there, she has already arranged someone to pick her up. She lived out of town, so I drove there arriving at ~11pm no hugs, and very little spoken. I went to bed in the spare room. Wake up @7am drop her off and and come home. (this is where my first major mistake happened) I did not tell my WW what was going on, or Honestly *who* she was. I left it as "A Friend needs a ride"
The XGF calls and begins to go ballistic, trying to call me 200-500 times a day. During this time my WW finds out that my "friend" was my XGF. She gives me a black eye. Accusations of infidelity begin here and persist for the following 5 years.
From the moment I met my WW I have never been unfaithful, emotionally or physically, to my WW.
Years pass, things are going well, and out of the blue my XGF calls my phone, sends letters etc.. During one of the times I picked up to tell her to stop calling me or I would file harassment charges vs her she tells me that she hired a PI to find me. WW (Pregnant w/ our son) takes the phone and tells the XGF to F*** Off, never call again etc.. XGF says that she hopes our baby dies, and hangs up. So far that is the last I have heard of her..
A couple more years pass and we are married in a big ceremony. It was near this time that things started a downhill slide. It was very slow at first.
More problems happen more often, she asks me to change certain behaviors, but I cant keep my commitment to maintain these changes. I always lapse back into being a passenger in the marriage.
My WW demands more time with me, so I drop out of college.
Our fights are growing more intense. Every other week is a new accusation of me being unfaithful. She tells me that she *knows* I'm having an affair with the receptionist (also married w/ kids) at my place of employment. I respond to all these accusations with
"I am not having an affair, and if it bothers you that I work in an office where a woman is also employed, I will quit my job tomorrow and find one where there are no women". She would leave it alone, yet bring it up randomly thought our new "bad" relationship.
It was during this time that I began playing a MMORPG. For those of you who don't know just google it and see how many marriages have suffered because of these types of games. I would play it a little at home at first. Then during lunch hour at work too. Soon it was rare that I was not online during entire workday. I was still not getting enough playtime to be satisfied, so I began playing it at home more. This upset the WW which made the marriage more uncomfortable, and made me want to play the game even more. Eventually she began playing with me.
Enter the OM.
I would help her play and develop her character when I was home playing (at this point I was no longer playing at work at all). She began wanting to play more than just the time I was home, so I introduced her to one of my friends on the game. I had been in and out of conversation with him for almost 3 years at this point. I had been confiding in him the problems I was experiencing in my marriage, and how I was afraid to try to talk to her about how I felt for fear of driving her away from me.
WW starts playing all day with the OM. chatting etc. When I come home now she wants nothing to do with me. We rarely say anything that isn't absolutely necessary to each other. All that mattered was the game.
She wakes me up in the middle of the night a couple weeks later (she had been up all night playing the game) and tells me that she doesn't think she loves me anymore.
I know I did not respond well as I had been getting 2-4 hours of sleep a night for almost 4 months at this point and it was taking its toll on my health and my mind.
She felt that I wasn't very concerned and left to go back to the game.
Three days later she tells me that she wants to go somewhere, just a vacation by herself. I feel the curtain of dread fall. "She is going to leave me" I think. I say ok, you can spend some time at the beach, go to Las Vegas whatever, let me know where you are wanting to go. She comes back to me a couple hours later and says I want to go to <Insert major city on the other side of the country here>. At this time I still considered the OM to be my friend, and did not realize how far their emotional relationship had gone.
She wanted to go to the area the OM lived and do the tourist stuff. Out of desperation and fear of being left alone completely I allowed her to go in spite of my better judgment.
The night before she leaves I express to her that I have fears she will be unfaithful with the OM. She ensures me that they are "Just Friends" and she could never do that to me or her children.
Four days pass and she is too busy to talk to me while she is out of state, just 5-10 minutes conversations at most. I am missing her terribly at this point, and begin my decent into depression. I pick her up when she arrives back home and something is different about her. She is distant and wont talk to me at all. She tells me that we should talk after I get off work that night.
I come home expecting the worst.. That she doesn't want to be married anymore. What she ends up telling me shattered my world more than I could have ever imagined.
She tells me that on her last night there after they had gone to a restaurant for dinner together that they had sex. She used that phrase too, she did not say "made love", or "slept together". They had sex. A person I had considered a friend, and my Wife both betrayed the one trust I thought could never be broken.
I was completely devastated.
I try to live in the same house with her, being the best husband I can be. I have completely disconnected myself from the game that had been eating all my time and recognize the addiction I had for it. She refuses to stop playing, and refuses to stop talking to him.
She would call him several times a day while I was home watching the kids so she could play her game undistracted. It was literally and figuratively killing me. I try to force her to talk to me about her feelings and what we could do to resolve this.
She began talking about being honest and asks me again about when I spent the night at my XGF's house 5 years ago. I reiterate to her that I did not have sex with her. I did not kiss or hug her. We barely spoke. She still doesn't believe me.
She tells me that the OM has told her he loves her. I ask if she loves him. She says "I don't know, but I do care about him a lot". As the week slowly crawls on I'm hurting more and more every day, and I express myself to her, and being honest and answering her questions I express my anger towards the OM. She forces me to apologize to him about some very angry and mean things i said to him. I regret allowing myself to do that now.
The beginning of the next week I cant focus at work, so I leave early from work. Call my mother to have her get the kids. Go buy a bouquet of flowers and a blank card. I arrive at home and give her the flowers and the card, and tell her I cant be here anymore if she refuses to stop her affair.
She tells me that she will not stop, and out of anger I tell her to leave. I leave the house first though. The next day she calls me and I explain to her that it was out of hurt and anger that i kicked her out of the house I did not intend to leave her and the kids homeless. The apartment was hers. I will be moved out by the time she gets back.
We are a week past that now, and phone records show she is spending no less than 4 hours a day talking to him, in addition to IM and talking to him in-game.
I bring the phone bill to her and tell her to knock it off. I am not paying for her to talk to the man she is having an affair with. She again refuses to stop talking to him and has, in fact, increased the amount of time on the phone.
I am at my wits end. I love my Wife very much, and I love my kids even more. I don't exactly know what to do, but I am reading and learning how to deal with an adulterous spouse. In the process I'm trying to become a better person for my future's sake.. regardless of the outcome of my marriage.
If you made it this far I commend you on your commitment.