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The Brief Version
~July WW enters Withdrawal from me, I follow soon after.
~09/06 WW says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you
09/08 WW leaves to have some time to think about our relationship
09/12 WW informs me of the sexual infidelity
09/17 I move back in with my parents, leaving her and the kids in the apartment.
09/21 Discovered marriagebuilders.com


The Story (For those who care to read it)
When my wife and I met it was instant love, but things got difficult almost immideately thereafter. I had an XGF that prior to meeting my wife that I was having a FWB relationship with. She had other partners, as did I. As soon as I met my WW I put an end to all FWB privileges with the XGF.

Shortly after my WW and I were dating my XGF calls and says she is pregnant, she had had unprotected sex with someone. She says she wants an abortion but none of her friends can take her, would I drive her there, she has already arranged someone to pick her up. She lived out of town, so I drove there arriving at ~11pm no hugs, and very little spoken. I went to bed in the spare room. Wake up @7am drop her off and and come home. (this is where my first major mistake happened) I did not tell my WW what was going on, or Honestly *who* she was. I left it as "A Friend needs a ride"

The XGF calls and begins to go ballistic, trying to call me 200-500 times a day. During this time my WW finds out that my "friend" was my XGF. She gives me a black eye. Accusations of infidelity begin here and persist for the following 5 years.

From the moment I met my WW I have never been unfaithful, emotionally or physically, to my WW.

Years pass, things are going well, and out of the blue my XGF calls my phone, sends letters etc.. During one of the times I picked up to tell her to stop calling me or I would file harassment charges vs her she tells me that she hired a PI to find me. WW (Pregnant w/ our son) takes the phone and tells the XGF to F*** Off, never call again etc.. XGF says that she hopes our baby dies, and hangs up. So far that is the last I have heard of her..

A couple more years pass and we are married in a big ceremony. It was near this time that things started a downhill slide. It was very slow at first.

More problems happen more often, she asks me to change certain behaviors, but I cant keep my commitment to maintain these changes. I always lapse back into being a passenger in the marriage.

My WW demands more time with me, so I drop out of college.
Our fights are growing more intense. Every other week is a new accusation of me being unfaithful. She tells me that she *knows* I'm having an affair with the receptionist (also married w/ kids) at my place of employment. I respond to all these accusations with
"I am not having an affair, and if it bothers you that I work in an office where a woman is also employed, I will quit my job tomorrow and find one where there are no women". She would leave it alone, yet bring it up randomly thought our new "bad" relationship.
It was during this time that I began playing a MMORPG. For those of you who don't know just google it and see how many marriages have suffered because of these types of games. I would play it a little at home at first. Then during lunch hour at work too. Soon it was rare that I was not online during entire workday. I was still not getting enough playtime to be satisfied, so I began playing it at home more. This upset the WW which made the marriage more uncomfortable, and made me want to play the game even more. Eventually she began playing with me.

Enter the OM.

I would help her play and develop her character when I was home playing (at this point I was no longer playing at work at all). She began wanting to play more than just the time I was home, so I introduced her to one of my friends on the game. I had been in and out of conversation with him for almost 3 years at this point. I had been confiding in him the problems I was experiencing in my marriage, and how I was afraid to try to talk to her about how I felt for fear of driving her away from me.
WW starts playing all day with the OM. chatting etc. When I come home now she wants nothing to do with me. We rarely say anything that isn't absolutely necessary to each other. All that mattered was the game.

She wakes me up in the middle of the night a couple weeks later (she had been up all night playing the game) and tells me that she doesn't think she loves me anymore.
I know I did not respond well as I had been getting 2-4 hours of sleep a night for almost 4 months at this point and it was taking its toll on my health and my mind.
She felt that I wasn't very concerned and left to go back to the game.

Three days later she tells me that she wants to go somewhere, just a vacation by herself. I feel the curtain of dread fall. "She is going to leave me" I think. I say ok, you can spend some time at the beach, go to Las Vegas whatever, let me know where you are wanting to go. She comes back to me a couple hours later and says I want to go to <Insert major city on the other side of the country here>. At this time I still considered the OM to be my friend, and did not realize how far their emotional relationship had gone.

She wanted to go to the area the OM lived and do the tourist stuff. Out of desperation and fear of being left alone completely I allowed her to go in spite of my better judgment.

The night before she leaves I express to her that I have fears she will be unfaithful with the OM. She ensures me that they are "Just Friends" and she could never do that to me or her children.

Four days pass and she is too busy to talk to me while she is out of state, just 5-10 minutes conversations at most. I am missing her terribly at this point, and begin my decent into depression. I pick her up when she arrives back home and something is different about her. She is distant and wont talk to me at all. She tells me that we should talk after I get off work that night.

I come home expecting the worst.. That she doesn't want to be married anymore. What she ends up telling me shattered my world more than I could have ever imagined.

She tells me that on her last night there after they had gone to a restaurant for dinner together that they had sex. She used that phrase too, she did not say "made love", or "slept together". They had sex. A person I had considered a friend, and my Wife both betrayed the one trust I thought could never be broken.

I was completely devastated.

I try to live in the same house with her, being the best husband I can be. I have completely disconnected myself from the game that had been eating all my time and recognize the addiction I had for it. She refuses to stop playing, and refuses to stop talking to him.

She would call him several times a day while I was home watching the kids so she could play her game undistracted. It was literally and figuratively killing me. I try to force her to talk to me about her feelings and what we could do to resolve this.

She began talking about being honest and asks me again about when I spent the night at my XGF's house 5 years ago. I reiterate to her that I did not have sex with her. I did not kiss or hug her. We barely spoke. She still doesn't believe me.

She tells me that the OM has told her he loves her. I ask if she loves him. She says "I don't know, but I do care about him a lot". As the week slowly crawls on I'm hurting more and more every day, and I express myself to her, and being honest and answering her questions I express my anger towards the OM. She forces me to apologize to him about some very angry and mean things i said to him. I regret allowing myself to do that now.

The beginning of the next week I cant focus at work, so I leave early from work. Call my mother to have her get the kids. Go buy a bouquet of flowers and a blank card. I arrive at home and give her the flowers and the card, and tell her I cant be here anymore if she refuses to stop her affair.

She tells me that she will not stop, and out of anger I tell her to leave. I leave the house first though. The next day she calls me and I explain to her that it was out of hurt and anger that i kicked her out of the house I did not intend to leave her and the kids homeless. The apartment was hers. I will be moved out by the time she gets back.

We are a week past that now, and phone records show she is spending no less than 4 hours a day talking to him, in addition to IM and talking to him in-game.

I bring the phone bill to her and tell her to knock it off. I am not paying for her to talk to the man she is having an affair with. She again refuses to stop talking to him and has, in fact, increased the amount of time on the phone.

I am at my wits end. I love my Wife very much, and I love my kids even more. I don't exactly know what to do, but I am reading and learning how to deal with an adulterous spouse. In the process I'm trying to become a better person for my future's sake.. regardless of the outcome of my marriage.

If you made it this far I commend you on your commitment.

Last edited by 1lostsoul; 09/29/07 03:13 AM.

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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1lost,

Welcome to MB, PLEASE go back and put paragraphs into your post. It is almost impossible for me and others to read all of this single spaced. I am sure you will receive lots of advice once we can really read your post.

God Bless,

JL

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ok I've edited the post.. hopefully its a little easier to cope with that ungodly Wall-o-Text


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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1lost,

I am still getting through your post, but have a quick question since I see you are up,

In your sig line it says
Quote:

2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo)




What are you trying to say with that?


BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07

"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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the 3yo is mine biologically and legally
the 6yo is only mine because she has never seen her Bio. father, and I love her as my own. She knows no other daddy than me. I never adopted her (not from lack of trying though).


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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Move back home.

Tell her you will not leave, despite the fact that it might have been her apt., you have lived there and now it belongs to the both of you.

Then, tell her you love her, and intend to fight for your marriage.

By leaving, you have given her time and opportunity to spend all the time she has with the OM. Don't do that. You need to go into Plan A. Read about Plan A on this website, and put it into action.

Look on the Notable Posts thread at the top of the General Posts forum and read the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A. Be sure you are paying attention to your behavior.

Call the Harleys for advice.

Pull the plug on the Internet gaming site - if you have to, contact the webmaster at that site and ask that your IP address for your computer be blocked. This is easily done, and you can have yourself banned from any website by doing this.

Block his telephone number from being received at your home.

Get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and read it.

Do the Emotional Needs Questionnaire on this website as though you were your wife. Figure out what ENs you were not meeting of hers, and start meeting them. Tell her that you are understanding what you were lacking in your marriage, and that you are willing to own your part in that.

Do not take the blame for the affair. This is her fault and her choice. You are allowed to accept your part for the state of the marriage leading up to the point of the affair, but you are not to accept the blame for the affair.

Because, if you had voted on whether or not she slept with him

you would have voted "no" - so the affair was HER choice, not yours.

And 100% her fault.

Do not respond to the "I love you but not in love with you" garbage. That will pass.

Do not talk divorce with her. Tell her you don't talk divorce, you talk marriage recovery, and that you know that you two can make it through this if you both work at making yourselves better people for each other, and for yourselves.

Also, order "Surviving an Affair", and read it. Do not share it with her until she shows some signs of true commitment to your marriage and is coming out of the fog. This takes some time, so this book is YOURS alone.

SB


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.
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ok.. First off I've been drinking.. I knwo this isnt the solution, but regardless it helps to make the pain more distant
I want, as I;m sure most BS's on this site feel, to have nothing but the feeling of a loving marriage return
I know I've bee a ******, but how do you get past the blaming yourself for the marital problems?
I've started smoking again and I havent drank since one of my closest friends died. I know how alcoholics are born, ad I'm fully aware of how destructive that is. Really Knowledge doesnt help
She told me last night that she told the OM that she could not talk to him anymore. He is heartbroken, and depressed.. and he was a friend of mine. how do yopu cope?
How is it possible to be strong when you are giving everything of yourself, and are left jsut feeling like an empty husk?
I find myself thinking that I havent made love to my wife for over 5-6 months yet she has made "love" to someone less than 3 weeks go. it disgusts me. yet I want her sooooo badly.
I miss her soo much. I want help so badly, but all anyone can say is to do things that my heart cant allow.
How can I feel this bad yet let her move on? How can I go on knowing that she has said "I Love You" to him when she cant say it to me?
Dr's dont care, friends cant help.. none have been here before. What can I do?
let her go on, causing me pain, yet letting me see my children who I love with every fiber that makes up me?
Cut her off from everything, causing her huge emotional pain, and estranging her from me?
18months to 2 years is so long to be hurting.
How can anyone deal with this?
betrayed by the one friend you confided in, and betrayed by the only person you have truly loved?
What can anyone do?


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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Hi 1LS,

The OM was never a friend. Friends don't sleep with their friends wife.

Have you gotten any of the books that were suggested?

I'm sorry that you are hurting so much, but drinking won't make the pain feel any less painful... in fact, it will only highten your depressive feelings.

You need to remain strong for your kids... try working out and exercising.

Many of us here have been where you are and are willing to take the time to give you some positive steps to take that have worked in our own personal situations. But in the end, YOU must decide what you are willing to do to end this A and rebuild your M.

We can't do it for you and drinking won't help...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
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First things first. Get your crap together and start acting like a man. This is easier said than done.

Your WW is probably lying to you about the contact with the other man.

You need to Plan A. There's two parts to this. First, you have to show strength and tough love. Follow the advice about blocking your IP from that site. She'll get ticked, but your marriage is more important.

Second, move back in! This is huge. You stand to lose your kids in custody for "abandonement" if you stay moved out. You're also aiding her ability to continue her affair by doing this.

Third, focus on your kids. You need to focus on being a better father. My guess is that you are both neglectful because of MMORPGs. I don't see how you can adequately parent and give attention to your children if you BOTH engage in those activities for hours.

Fourth, continue spying. She's still in contact and the no contact has to start for you two to heal.

Fifth, expect her to spew vile venom in your direction for showing strength.

It looks like you date or hook up with women with low self esteem or clingy or addictive personalities. Your exgf is a good example and your WW shows huge signs of insecurity. These types of personalities will respect strengths a heck of a lot more than insecurity and appeasement. You need to step up and be a man in every sense of the word.

She wants to talk to him on the phone, block his number. She wants to use a cell to call him, cancel your plan. Block your IP or cancel your ISP.

These will tick her off. Good!

If she wants you to leave, don't. You can tell her you choose your marriage and your home and she knows where the door is if she wants to go. You and the kids are staying put.

This is tough and the real work is ahead of you.

Good luck.


D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06

DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)

She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.

Never going to happen.

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... Night before last I got stupidly drunk and called her.. bad idea I know. Needless to say it went badly.
... I went over to the apartment sometime around 7 determined that I had a right to be there, with the kids. If she felt she needed to leave fine, but the kids need stability.
I informed her I was moving back in. She vehemently opposed me. Going so far as to say "I won't stop you from living here, but if you are here I'm leaving, and taking the kids" after a bit of argument, and her failure to see that the kids staying would be best for them. I acquiesced. I hate this insane talk she's doing.. that is not the person I married (obviously) she has no reason left. I told her that I'm going to fix this (us and the whole situation).
I started reading HNHN (the bookstore didn't have SAA, but I also got 'Not "Just Friends"' by Shirley Glass.
To me HNHN is a hard read emotionally.

I blew 1/2 way thru the book in about 2hrs. I'm usually a fast reader, but so much of that book conflicts with what I had thought, and there were things in there that hurt badly to read and understand that they are true. The book wasn't helping me because there was no light at the end of the tunnel to apply the sound teachings to. It seemed like I was reading a manual on how to show a Fish to walk. My WW had forsaken me, doing everything she could do to make this harder for me than it already was. She was actively trying to destroy what little relationship we had left. I was dying inside.. all over again.
One bad emotion led to another and they all reinforced the feeling of hopelessness.
Maybe an hour later after a couple very brief phone calls to the OM and WW, and with a very sore neck. I got in the car. I was determined that I had nothing, and all I was doing was getting in everyones way, and preventing them from gaining happiness. I wasn't gonna turn around.
The WW called me while I was driving. begged me to stay the night with her. I said no. She kept pleading, then said she'd call the police and report it stolen to stop me. I know that it wouldn't have worked. the car is in my name and has only been in my name for the past 7 years. But i told her that I would stop by but I wILL NOT stay.
I showed up and we went round and round. finally she told me to put down my cigarette and come to bed. I told her that I don't want to. I'm going to go. She physically restrained me so that I would have had to hurt her to get her off of me. In a misguided attempt to get her off of me by proving to her that she doesn't care, I kissed her, and she kissed back, but her grip did not loosen. After 15 minutes of trying to get her off of me without actually harming her I gave in. I can continue this tomorrow.. I laid down and she laid her head on me. She kept trying to get me to hold her, but I couldn't.
She finally gave me more and more passionate kisses. At first I wasn't very receptive. But I am only a man, and one that had not been kissed by his bride in almost 6 months. We fell asleep in eachother's arms. This morning the kids were delighted to see me there in the morning when they got up.
While it was nice to get some affection, it doesn't feel so good now. I feel worse off than before, luckily I have work to occupy my head all day.
I am so horribly confused, and it seems that the harder I search for clarity the more lost I become.
All I ask of you is that you don't tell me what an idiot I am. I know that the last 2 days have been one big string of bad decisions, I don't need it rubbed in anymore.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this really. Maybe just to get it out of me. I don't know.


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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OK, so a huge amount of stuff has happened..
1) in a weak moment I attempted suicide and was committed
2) WW left and moved upstate
3) entered crisis counseling
4) Ina manic moment OD'd on many diff pills...
5) WW Moved in with her mother out of state
6) Diagnosed with Bipolar2 (lots makes sense now)
7) WW went to go be with the OM
8) WW fought with OM after a week and realized what she was missing out on
9) WW calls me crying apologizing asking me to take her back
10) update posted (still in counseling too )


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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so I'm going to oregon where she is with the kids (we lived in Cali) for thanksgiving. i'm scared i'll mess something up. I miss her so much.


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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apparently that was a bad idea.


seems like noone reads these threads anymore. I should stop posting.


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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What happened in Oregon? Don't stop posting...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Holidays are busy for everyone and the boards get slow. Keep posting.

Can you two counsel with the Harley's? It is well worth the money. We had two local, pro-marriage counselors, but now counsel with the Harley's. The approach is incredibly helpful.


Happily married to HerPapaBear



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::In Oregon::
she had decided (she later told me) that a lot of what she was deciding and how she would act would be based largely upon how she felt when she saw me come off of the plane.
This, I think, was a kind of short sighted approach to deciding if a marriage is worth it.
At first, everythign was easy and we stayed up late into the night making thanksgiving stuffs, pies and the sort, having easy conversation and her doing little playful things that she used to do when times were good. But then the text messages from OM started, she kept it on the DL but she was txt'ing him back and calling him when I wasnt around.. it finally after only 2 days of my being there, got to the point where she would spend 1.5-3 hrs on the phone with him per day talking and exchanging many txt mgs.. each one of these hurting me a little bit more than the last.
We had a small fight when my mother called and asked if things were going well, and I (not thinking) said no. WW became very distant and we left on that note..
ON a good thing I got to take my son home with me.
Bad thing, I had a manic episode (mom was babysitting my son) because the OM was flaunting to me that he and my wife were still very much in love. This tends to be a often trigger.
She wanted the boy back ASAP since i was not "stable". I took him back a couple days later. He did not want to go, but was happy to see his mother.

::after Oregon::
I decided that divorce was probably inevitable. So I began rebuilding my self with that in mind. I found myself not caring what she did or did not do and got a seperate bank account etc. I felt OK with things.. still terribly hurt and alone, but OK.

::Presently::
She called me on 12/4 saying that she was a terrible mother. Our daughter cries every day before school because she misses our home, and her old school. My daughter apparently talks about me constantly too.
WW asks if they can come down when my daughter has Winter break off, and to stay until Feb 1st. With the Idea that all communication would be cut off from the OM and we would sincerely work on "US".
I agreed, but i really think that only 1 month and a few days is not enough time. That same day she claims to have cut off all communication with the OM. so by the time she comes home she "should" have been out of contact with him for approx 16 days.
I would like to go to marriage counseling, but she is resistant to all counseling, saying "only crazy ppl need that" and "if we need someone else to work out our problems then we probably shouldn't be together anyways". Its a hard pill to swallow but it is how she is.

I was thinking that I could start counselling solo and then maybe get her to come once, but the tie up there is finding a counselor that uses dr. harley's methods.. My insurance provides Marriage counseling, but they teach the co-dependancy=bad way. I DO NOT want that brought into an already staggering marriage. I think that would be the true end of things. Right now we need to think of each other and the children. not ourselves.

I guess i'm just looking for validation that I'm doing the right things given what I have to work with. That letting her back for only a month, and letting that stand is even a good idea.

Any thoughts or COmments would be greatly appreciated.


thank you


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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So the WW tells me last night that she couldnt last even a day without talking to the OM. I wanna tell her that she cant come now, but that doesnt seem right to do.
I feel so hurt and lost.
what do I do?


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007
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Well, at least she is being honest with you.

Are you still drinking? If so, I would STOP. You desperately need to get a plan together, and so far I don't see one.

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My WW and I have been talking non-stop for the past week, she is tiring of her affair she says. She told the OM to stop talking to her and he messaged me with a "She might be pregnant with my baby" so i confronted my WW with thtat, and she says that there is no truth in it, although they were having unprotected sex.
This really bothers me. Now I need to get a blood screening for her for VD and wait to see about pregnancy. She wants to come home very badly, and I would really like to have her home, but if she is pregnant by him, then I dont know what to do. I am already raising 1 other mans child as my own. I dont think I could deal with a constant living breathing reminder of this time.

Has anyone else dealt with this issue before?


"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream." -Martin Luther King, Jr. BS-26 (me) WW-27 2 kids... Kinda (3yo, 6yo) Together 5 years, married 2 Discovered the infidelity 09/12/2007

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