NearingTheEnd ---A new Poster! -----MBer's PLEASE HELP - 11/04/07 12:10 AM
I only recently discovered this board, and have been reading extensively to soak up as much as I can. In doing so, I know that you are a well respected voice here Melody. My feeling is that I may be too late in the grand scheme of things, but I want to be able to know that I did everything possible to save my marriage.
Here is a little more info for you. Married 14 years, together 18, known each other 23. Classic story, everything seemed to be going just fine in our marriage, and then I discovered in July that my wife was having an affair with her personal trainer, which had become a PA in May. She attempted to end it on D-day, but they continued to contact each other and conveniently run into each other from time to time. I have continued to try to disrupt things as best as possible, and cannot confirm one way or another if it still is PA, though WW says it is not. I have been in contact with OMW and she helped with some initial exposure, and I exposed to some as well, but not all as suggested here.
OMW is done with their marriage. OM is a serial adulterer - this is his 4th or 5th affair that she knows of, and they are still living together but supposedly getting a divorce as soon as their oldest daughter is in school for financial reasons. At first she was helpful, but anything from her now is perceived as crazy talk by WW since OMW has been dealing with this for many years.
My WW has since bought her own cell phone, as I was tracking her calls on her old one. I know that they have discontinued any email correspondence. They are still very much in contact via cell and text messaging, which WW continues to deny. WW exhibits all the classic fog talk and alien babble you all describe so well here, and I have heard all the classics from her. WW has filed for D, but we are going through a mediator and papers won't be served until mid Dec. WW claims OM is not the reason, but her actions do not support this, and I heard her say "in a year this will all be over and we can go out." I very much want to save my marriage, but at the same time want to preserve my dignity and have no desire to be in a loveless marriage. I have said to her that I want to be married to her, but I do not need to be married to her and that I respect myself too much to tolerate what I perceive to be disrespect and indignity. I am confident that given the opportunity, or more likely, her willingness should she come out of the fog, we could recover as many have here. WW is firm in her fog babble that "this is just the way I feel and you can't change my feelings." She has no desire to work on our marriage any more. We did go to MC for a short time, but she said after the first session that she could go for the rest of her life and it wouldn't change her feelings. She also went to IC for 4 sessions, but her C was not pro-marriage. I am in IC with an excellent pro-marriage C that has been very helpful.
WW refuses to move out of the house until D or at least finances are final, so I expect her to be under the same roof until at least the end of the year. She has no access to any major finances, and I continue to cover the household costs for myself and my kids, though obviously she benefits as well.
I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and have tried to Plan A as best as I can, but clearly I located this resource late in the game, and have unfortunately done some LB'ing. My thought was to Plan B at the end of Dec. I have an appointment with Steve Harley next week, and was going to expose following my consultation with him. I was thinking of some anonymous exposure to a few select people in order to capitalize on the gossip issue, as they have already been talking about it and would have their susipicions confirmed anyway by my exposure to the rest. Trying to balance the tsunami with not pushing WW over the edge and going straight to an attorney since we had already started down the D road.
I feel like I am at the end of the road, but want to do everything possible until the end, or at the very least to set the table for anything that might change in the coming months. I am not going to sit and wait however, and will continue on with my life regardless. At this point in time, I stil have hope, however small it may be, that things just might turn around. It is going to take a huge turn of events to get WW out of the fog, and I know exposure will help.
The suggestions of you many wise MBers is greatly appreciated. Please let me know your thoughts. In the short time I have been here, I have come to recognize your wisdom and have found this a very comforting place to seek refuge.
--------------------
BS (me) 41
WW 41
DD 10
DD 8
D-day 7/19/07
She refuses no contact and we are headed to divorce
***************************************************
MelodyLane
Member
Reged: 04/10/01
Posts: 25157
Loc: Great State of Texas! Re: How do I deal with my wife's affair??? [Re: NearingTheEnd]
#3329869 - 11/03/07 04:48 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
nearingtheend, would you mind taking this post and starting a new thread so you aren't buried down at the bottom of someone elses thread? That way we don't disrupt sonny's thread and others can see and respond to yours. Just hit the "post" button and a new thread will pop up.
--------------------
misplaced compassion gives power to EVIL.....
Here is a little more info for you. Married 14 years, together 18, known each other 23. Classic story, everything seemed to be going just fine in our marriage, and then I discovered in July that my wife was having an affair with her personal trainer, which had become a PA in May. She attempted to end it on D-day, but they continued to contact each other and conveniently run into each other from time to time. I have continued to try to disrupt things as best as possible, and cannot confirm one way or another if it still is PA, though WW says it is not. I have been in contact with OMW and she helped with some initial exposure, and I exposed to some as well, but not all as suggested here.
OMW is done with their marriage. OM is a serial adulterer - this is his 4th or 5th affair that she knows of, and they are still living together but supposedly getting a divorce as soon as their oldest daughter is in school for financial reasons. At first she was helpful, but anything from her now is perceived as crazy talk by WW since OMW has been dealing with this for many years.
My WW has since bought her own cell phone, as I was tracking her calls on her old one. I know that they have discontinued any email correspondence. They are still very much in contact via cell and text messaging, which WW continues to deny. WW exhibits all the classic fog talk and alien babble you all describe so well here, and I have heard all the classics from her. WW has filed for D, but we are going through a mediator and papers won't be served until mid Dec. WW claims OM is not the reason, but her actions do not support this, and I heard her say "in a year this will all be over and we can go out." I very much want to save my marriage, but at the same time want to preserve my dignity and have no desire to be in a loveless marriage. I have said to her that I want to be married to her, but I do not need to be married to her and that I respect myself too much to tolerate what I perceive to be disrespect and indignity. I am confident that given the opportunity, or more likely, her willingness should she come out of the fog, we could recover as many have here. WW is firm in her fog babble that "this is just the way I feel and you can't change my feelings." She has no desire to work on our marriage any more. We did go to MC for a short time, but she said after the first session that she could go for the rest of her life and it wouldn't change her feelings. She also went to IC for 4 sessions, but her C was not pro-marriage. I am in IC with an excellent pro-marriage C that has been very helpful.
WW refuses to move out of the house until D or at least finances are final, so I expect her to be under the same roof until at least the end of the year. She has no access to any major finances, and I continue to cover the household costs for myself and my kids, though obviously she benefits as well.
I feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place and have tried to Plan A as best as I can, but clearly I located this resource late in the game, and have unfortunately done some LB'ing. My thought was to Plan B at the end of Dec. I have an appointment with Steve Harley next week, and was going to expose following my consultation with him. I was thinking of some anonymous exposure to a few select people in order to capitalize on the gossip issue, as they have already been talking about it and would have their susipicions confirmed anyway by my exposure to the rest. Trying to balance the tsunami with not pushing WW over the edge and going straight to an attorney since we had already started down the D road.
I feel like I am at the end of the road, but want to do everything possible until the end, or at the very least to set the table for anything that might change in the coming months. I am not going to sit and wait however, and will continue on with my life regardless. At this point in time, I stil have hope, however small it may be, that things just might turn around. It is going to take a huge turn of events to get WW out of the fog, and I know exposure will help.
The suggestions of you many wise MBers is greatly appreciated. Please let me know your thoughts. In the short time I have been here, I have come to recognize your wisdom and have found this a very comforting place to seek refuge.
--------------------
BS (me) 41
WW 41
DD 10
DD 8
D-day 7/19/07
She refuses no contact and we are headed to divorce
***************************************************
MelodyLane
Member
Reged: 04/10/01
Posts: 25157
Loc: Great State of Texas! Re: How do I deal with my wife's affair??? [Re: NearingTheEnd]
#3329869 - 11/03/07 04:48 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply
nearingtheend, would you mind taking this post and starting a new thread so you aren't buried down at the bottom of someone elses thread? That way we don't disrupt sonny's thread and others can see and respond to yours. Just hit the "post" button and a new thread will pop up.
--------------------
misplaced compassion gives power to EVIL.....