We have been married for 6 years now and our SF (well, I thought, is getting better). I have posted 2 weeks ago that my husband has gotten hold of some porn links from his male contacts and that he was watching it for 2 consecutive nights. The advice from MB was that I should have a Keylogger installed (which I did) and I managed to confront him about the porn issue. Well, you see, the previous time, I was able to see that he's visiting porn sites because he left his log-on history there and it's easy.

2 weeks have passed, what I did was: 1) Keylogger installed, 2) Confronted my H that I didn't like the porn sites that he visits, which he told me that he wouldn't visit them again (I had to reveal to him that I saw them from the log-on history) 3) We did the Emotional Needs Survey (and both of us found that SF was 3rd or 4th on our list; Openness and Honesty is our 1st; but the SF frequency that he wanted was higher then mine) 4) We tried to fulfill each other's needs (well, our drive for SF was rather high), so we had more SF than we did for the past 6 years

I THOUGHT I WAS ON THE RIGHT TRACK??????!!!!!!!!!!!

Last few nights, I tried to check the keylogger and noticed that he was still onto those porn clips, he was onto 4-6 video clips per night. There was no record of porn chats/ porn purchases/ suspicious emails/ suspicious phone calls. He's just viewing those clips for free. And now, he's deleting away the logon history. And I don't want to tell me my source (keylogger).

What should I do? Should I be worried? Is it normal for guys to view porn clips? I wouldn't consider him a porn addict bec we never had such at home. And well, I do visit such porn sites too (out of curiosity). But, I don't know if he's doing it a little too frequent. Pls advise.

I'm starting to lose confidence in him. He told me I was acting weirdly for the past 2 weeks and he would like things to go back normal. But how can I act normal now when he lied to me about the porn sites???

wait...you are viewing porn too...but just out of curiosity? That excuse would be as lame as any he comes up with.

Your concern is the frequency?

Sounds like you two are immature and lacking any real level of communication and intimacy.

Hi, I know it sounds lame that I'm visiting porn sites too, but that was like ages ago (in my teenage years, and I visited them out of curiosity). I'm just trying to make some sense out of his actions, really.

My concern is that he seems to be lying to me that he's not visiting porn anymore, after my last confrontation. Now that, I'm trying to fulfil his SF needs (bec I figured out that maybe he visited porn previously because he couldn't get his SF needs fulfilled), I still can't understand why he's visiting porn.

you said you DO visit...not did...

Ya, was looking back at my own post and saw the present tenses. Sorry for the grammar. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

But what do you think of my case? I'm not sure if I should continue snooping. I got so disappointed when I saw those sites again. I'm losing my confidence in him, literally.

I don't know if guys have this tendency to watch porn, is it out of curiosity like how I did? I no longer know.

I would try and catch him in the act so you don't blow your source of intel.

Thanks bigkahuna, I'll try to do that. It's not really easy though, as he is facing me and when he uses the laptop. But I know I should never blow my source, ever.

You know what, he's been telling me he needs to go over to his friend's house (once on the 8th and then 17th) to handover some finance stuff to him (and teach him how to do up the reports). When I asked him if his friend understood all that was needed to churn up those reports in future. My H told me that he was the one to do everything while H was there and would need to make the trip again.

He was there like 2 hours for every trip. Now I'm starting to wonder if he was really going where he claimed.

He offered to bring me to visit his friend the first time round. I said 'No' at first as I had to take care of my 2 boys' afternoon nap. Later on, I changed my mind and said 'Yes'. But still, he left without us. Then on his second time there, he left without asking.

I suspect he needs to make his trip to his 'friend's house' again soon.

tell your H that you contacted the internet provider to see if there has been any access to porn on your account and that you are surprised at what he has been doing. Also, ask the IP to blok access to that on your account.

I think it is time for an honest sit down with your H and let him know that your boundary is that you will not be in a relationship with someone that insists on viewing porn.
If it means that you need to reveal your source to have this frank discussion, then do so. The most important thing here is for this matter to be resolved...not for you to maintain your ability to snoop.

BTW..is the laptop a personal or work laptop? Do you also use this computer? If so, tell him that it will no longer be acceptable for him to delete history and access information. There is no room for secrets in a marriage.

How old is your H...he sounds exceptionally immature.

Yes, I do have my fair share on the laptop. He leaves his account access-free for me, except that he deletes the history away. Btw, he's 32.

I don't know if I am able to limit the access from the internet itself, from "Internet Options"? I know there are 2 sites he frequents and would want to add that in. But I don't know how it is done. Can anyone help?

If he's not very tech savy you could do this......

Open up Notepad.

Open the file c:\windows\system32\drivers\etc\hosts

and add these lines to the end...

127.0.0.1 www.sexsite1.com
127.0.0.1 www.sexsite2.com

replacing the www address with the sites you want to block, one on each line.
Then he won't be able to access them.

Make sure you save the file.

The problem in your marriage is not porn. It is the lack of trust. If he uses porn (as most guys with an Internet access do), then he needs to be truthful with you. If you want know if he uses porn, then you should be able to ask him a question and get a straight answer from him.

You must understand that for most guys porn is something they like, but they are not proud of the fact that they like it. To most guys it is something to be ashamed of enjoying, somewhat akin to cheating. Whether or not you or some other woman considers it cheating is immaterial for this discussion; I am just trying to make you understand why he would tell you these lies. He is trying to not hurt you, he is trying not to look pathetic in your eyes.

What to do about it: tell him that you understand his porn use, tell him that the use of porn is not a problem for you, but that his lying is. He needs to be an honest man. The two of you have to come up with a way of dealing with porn (I do not know of what your opinion of porn is). Just why do you want him not to look at porn?

Do you think that there is a connection between SF and porn? Do you think that if a guy is dissatisfied with SF he'll turn to porn, but if he is satisfied he will not use porn?

Thanks big!

Just tried this on my PC and it works!
Just a slight correction:

You'll need to add a space in between the 2 lines.
Didn't work just now when I had the 2 line directly after the other.

Think you had introduced me the keylogger the last time I posted and that was real useful!

But big, do you suggest that I confront him that I know about his visiting of the sites like what mk suggested? Bec in your previous post, you seem to suggest that I don't blow my source.

I don't know if I should really... Because I don't want him to think I'm acting hysterical if there is really nothing going on. It might add stress to the M unneccessarily.

Most women are actually highly offended by their husbands/boyfriends use of porn and rightly so.

Follow this advice at your peril.

Hi AverageGuy, actually our SF has just gotten better after my 2nd boy's birth (6 months ago). I used to hate SF. But now, I must say I'm starting to love it. Think it's something to do with a woman's body/ hormones.

2 weeks ago, after I found out that he visited porn (I don't know if he had visited porn prior to that), we did the EN Questionnaire and tried to meet each other's needs for SF since we saw the frequency that each of us has put down.

2 weeks later, he's still visiting these sites. That's why I'm losing alot of confidence. I remembered that I asked him if he did visit those sites just a couple of nights ago and he told me that he wasn't. And I trusted him!!


I think you got it all down in words. That's exactly how I feel now. He told me that I don't seem to trust him and I am acting strangely in front of him for the past 2 weeks, and that he would like his 'normal' wife back. So, I'm assuming that he doesn't want to owe up to his porn visits because he doesn't want to look pathetic.

How would you want your W to confront to you if you deliberately erase off the history like in my case? I really need advice because I don't want him to feel that I'm insecure/mad/highly suspicious.

Hi LosingConfidence,

Pornography is a huge issue these days because of the internet. Can't remember the statistics off the top of my head, but the majority of men have struggled with porn, even Christian men.

My husband has also had his struggle. Having accountability through a website called Covenant Eyes has worked for him. You have an accountability partner/s who regularly receive a report that lists every web site you visit. The "bad" ones are in red. So it's easy to scan down the list and check.

There is also a "panic button" that you can push that shuts down internet access and your accountability partner must call to restart. Too many people can get around filters - this is different.

Other sources are "Every Man's Battle" (and related books by Arterburn) and also an excellent video - "The Porn Trap" www.marriagetoday.com

I don't think men understand what it does to a woman when their husband views pornography. It's like they have cheated on you. Even though it's a virtual image, it still feels like betrayal to a woman. When my husband "got" that it made a big difference.

Lust is lust in God's eyes - doesn't matter if it's a woman walking down the street or an air brushed image. God sees the heart.

EE

I have been following the MB forum quite closely since 2 weeks ago.
And alot of infidelity cases seem to start with porn, with overly-excessive usage of porn sites.
I must say my husband is not an overly-excessive user, but I'm not denying the possibility of the start of an A.
That's why I'm worried. But I don't know if I'm too 'overly-worried'.

He told me candidly before that it's difficult even if he wants to start an A, because he seldom interacts with his colleagues or goes out with friends. And he doesn't talk to anyone. I mean we are literally together (most of our waking and sleeping hours). I thought I should trust what he said, but I really don't know if I should trust him now since he has just lied on the porn thing.

Well that's weird! It works fine here.


Radical honesty at some stage demands that you tell him but if it was me, I would want to catch him a few times before confronting him.

I don't really disagree with MEDC's post. It's all in the timing IMO.

Thanks, think I'll block those sites first instead of confrontation. I just don't think it's the right time yet. But I'll see if he gives up surfing on those sites or would he source for more porn sites.

Since, he said that those sites were from his male contacts, so I assume he didn't search for such sites in the first place. If he does, that's another BIG point deducted from my trust in him.

I agree with your proposed action.

BigKahuna, the question is not about most women. The question is about LosingConfidence. She has a problem with her husband.

My question why LosingConfidence is not a specious one. This problem with husbands using porn is posted by distraught wives on regular basis -- about every other month.

However, there are many different reasons why a wife would not want her husband look at porn. Some women believe that it is a form of cheating. Some women believe that porn detracts from his attention to her. Some women believe that porn is exploitative of women. Some women believe that it will lead to an affair. Some women are upset because they think that the husband is dissatisfied with their performance in bed. Some women don’t want it in the house because of kids. Some do not like their husbands using porn because of the hiding and dishonesty about it.

You cannot give an advice (or even lend a sympathetic ear) to someone about a problem without understanding the problem. The reason for this is because different reasons for disliking husbandly use of porn lead to different solutions to the problem.

How would I want my wife approaching me on it? Well, what works in our relationship may not work in yours. Essentially, I like porn, my wife knows about it (I never hid it from her even prior to our marriage), she accepts it, and occasionally enjoys porn with me. I certainly am not suggesting that you should accept your H’s porn use as my wife accepts mine; what work for her may not work for you.

But to answer your question: I would separate the two problems, and deal with the bigger first. He needs to be totally honest with you. How you handle his problem with porn use is secondary (and you will not be even able to solve without solving the honesty problem first). You need to share your house, your bed, your life with someone who you can trust totally. Someone who would sacrifice his life for you.

He needs to be honest with you: if he promises you not visit some web site, he should not visit it. Not because he will get in trouble with you if you find out. But because he gave his word. You need to be able to trust him that he will not visit a website, even if he knows that it would be impossible for you find out about it. He needs to be an honest man not because his wife is checking up on him, but because when he looks in the mirror in the morning he wants to see an honest man looking back, and not someone who is not truthful with the most important person in his life.

Ask, or actually demand, that he be honest with you about everything. Porn use, finances, career, friends, etc. There may be differing views on finances, career, porn, and he may have made decisions which are not the best, but he needs to be honest with you about it.

And in order for him to be honest with you, you need to make sure that he is comfortable in telling you things that are not pleasant for you to hear. Being disappointed in him or angry with him because he bought a bad investment or looks at porn or wants to go camping with his buddies instead of going to your mother’s house, will not help him open up.