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Joined: Nov 2005
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Just why do you want him not to look at porn?

Most women are actually highly offended by their husbands/boyfriends use of porn and rightly so.

BigKahuna, the question is not about most women. The question is about LosingConfidence. She has a problem with her husband.

My question why LosingConfidence is not a specious one. This problem with husbands using porn is posted by distraught wives on regular basis -- about every other month.

However, there are many different reasons why a wife would not want her husband look at porn. Some women believe that it is a form of cheating. Some women believe that porn detracts from his attention to her. Some women believe that porn is exploitative of women. Some women believe that it will lead to an affair. Some women are upset because they think that the husband is dissatisfied with their performance in bed. Some women don’t want it in the house because of kids. Some do not like their husbands using porn because of the hiding and dishonesty about it.

You cannot give an advice (or even lend a sympathetic ear) to someone about a problem without understanding the problem. The reason for this is because different reasons for disliking husbandly use of porn lead to different solutions to the problem.


Me: 50. W: 50. Happily married since 1993. 3 kids.
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How would you want your W to confront to you if you deliberately erase off the history like in my case? I really need advice because I don't want him to feel that I'm insecure/mad/highly suspicious.

How would I want my wife approaching me on it? Well, what works in our relationship may not work in yours. Essentially, I like porn, my wife knows about it (I never hid it from her even prior to our marriage), she accepts it, and occasionally enjoys porn with me. I certainly am not suggesting that you should accept your H’s porn use as my wife accepts mine; what work for her may not work for you.

But to answer your question: I would separate the two problems, and deal with the bigger first. He needs to be totally honest with you. How you handle his problem with porn use is secondary (and you will not be even able to solve without solving the honesty problem first). You need to share your house, your bed, your life with someone who you can trust totally. Someone who would sacrifice his life for you.

He needs to be honest with you: if he promises you not visit some web site, he should not visit it. Not because he will get in trouble with you if you find out. But because he gave his word. You need to be able to trust him that he will not visit a website, even if he knows that it would be impossible for you find out about it. He needs to be an honest man not because his wife is checking up on him, but because when he looks in the mirror in the morning he wants to see an honest man looking back, and not someone who is not truthful with the most important person in his life.

Ask, or actually demand, that he be honest with you about everything. Porn use, finances, career, friends, etc. There may be differing views on finances, career, porn, and he may have made decisions which are not the best, but he needs to be honest with you about it.

And in order for him to be honest with you, you need to make sure that he is comfortable in telling you things that are not pleasant for you to hear. Being disappointed in him or angry with him because he bought a bad investment or looks at porn or wants to go camping with his buddies instead of going to your mother’s house, will not help him open up.


Me: 50. W: 50. Happily married since 1993. 3 kids.
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