Are there any success stories of those who did Plan B and brought their WS out of the fog? I know the focus is more on personal recovery, but I could use the encouragement in knowing it could bring my WW back. If you can post them here, I'd appreciate it. thanks.

A couple that come top of mind would be Mimi and Mortarman. You might want to look up their stories.

....and BrambleRose. Its much easier to list marriages that didn't make it because they DIDN'T go into plan B.

Hi DrowningMan,

Sorry you're having a tough time finding Plan B Success Stories. If you haven't found them yet, Mortarman and BrambleRose's stories are briefly outlined in the Success Stories thread linked to my sig line.

Although they are not specifically detailing the Plan B steps they used, their stories are still inspiring.

Maybe there are more on the Plan B forum. I think Notable Posts has more success stories but I'm not sure if they're Plan B either.

Hope this helps a little.

Ace

PlanB always works. Either the spouse comes back, or you are able to put your love aside and move forward with your life. It says so in the book.

I would say the only planBs that fail are the ones undertaken with the sole intent of bringing back the partner. They are never implemented properly, and the BS remains engaged in the mess.

Gale is right, the purpose of Plan B is not to bring back a wayward spouse, but to remove a betrayed spouse from the abuse. It ALWAYS succeeds when no contact is maintained.

Thanks for pointing me to those. I found Mimi's and BrambleRose's, but I'm still looking for Mortarman's. If you happen to see a link somewhere, would you mind posting it? If I find it first, I'll put it up incase others are interested.

That's what worries me and is making me hesitate. I want my WW back more than anything and I'm not ready to move on. It's just that my sitch is really complicated and I think it calls for plan B at this point. I know everyone says their sitches are different, but I really haven't found one like mine. I couldn't even describe it without filling up this whole page. The closest one might be Princess Meggy's, but they're still very different and she didnt use plan A OR B.

Hi DrowningMan,

About halfway down the page is part of Mortarman's story on the Success Stories thread page 6.

Ace

Principled started athread about this and has all the links. I'll bumo it up for you

By the way if anyone does know of a sitch like mine, PLEASE post it.

I'll try to describe it the quickest way possible.

- Together 15 years, no kids yet.
- DDay 6/07 - Wife had A for year and half.
- She wanted R, but also continued A.
- I LB'd like crazy - made her move out.
- I contacted OMW and OM ended A
- 10/07 - WW said no more R and wanted to continue the A, but it was done.
- WW hated me and wants divorce.
- 12/07 - She Started seeing OM2, but doesnt care for him too much.
- I started plan A, but can't get near her.
- Now WW says she needs time, doesn't know what she wants, but she's getting more and more serious with OM2.
- I keep trying to plan A, but she doesn't let me meet her ENs and spends all her nights at his house.
- I'm losing it, I can't take it anymore and I can't watch her do this.

DM, please understand that the purpose of Plan B is not to get your spouse back. Its purpose is to remove you from the triangle when the affair doesnt end in order to protect you from emotional abuse. Affairs are such a lovebuster that there is also a risk of you growing to HATE your WW. Once that happens, and it often does, it is almost impossible to turn around.

See, most affairs die a natural death within 2 years of being exposed. The best thing for the marriage and for the mental health of the BS is to remove himself via plan B after plan B. Sometimes plan B has the effect of ending hte affair when the OP fails to meet the needs of the WS, though.

Thanks for the links, everyone.

Mel, I do understand that it's not the purpose of plan B and I'll also admit that it's partly a desperation attempt for me. My problem is I'm stuck in a really tough situation and neither plan A or B seem to fit perfectly. I had a session with Jennifer and even she decribed it as being "dismal." I don't think anyone can give me a straight answer, so I may have to take a gamble at this point. I'm even considering plan D.


What if it's after the first A that tore us apart and after we've seperated? WW is in the mindset of moving on and doesn't consider this to be an A. There's nothing to expose anymore.


Starting a second affair during my plan A efforts is causing serious damage and the further it goes, the more I think it will prevent the possibility of R. This is why I'm in need of drastic measures. I'm hoping that she hasn't developed strong enough feelings for OM2 yet and Plan B or Plan D will jolt her loose. To be honest, Plan D is starting to look more effective. If she continues this for too long thats probably where we'll end up anyway.

If anyone has opinions on what they would do in this sitch I would love to hear them.

I wouldn't Plan D to jolt her. I would only do it because it was what I wanted.

Ace

The nice thing about Plan B is that either you will end up back with your wife, or you will be ready to move on. Although I initially wanted my ex back, Plan B gave me enough healing room to want to move on without him.

DM, I doubt there is anything that can jolt her loose. If you are wanting that result from Plan B, you will probably be disappointed. In your case, I would go into plan B NOW so that you can detach from the situation emotionally. Once you are detached, you will be in a better position to assess the situation and choose divorce if that is the best answer for you.

Divorce is a much easier transistion, IF NEEDED, after one has been in Plan B.

But, be assured, I don't think there is anything more you can do to bring her back that you probably haven't already done. Sorry I can't be more positive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Just my observation based on my almost 4 years on this board but it seems that WW's are much more affected by a good Plan B than Plan A(which works only in about 15% as per Dr H).

Unfortunately my 4 years on this board also shows me that 90-95% of posters so-called Plan B's are done in a half *ssed manner. Doomed to failure from the get go.

by half *ssed... do you mean they didn't go dark enough? What are the ways you can screw up plan B?

Yes.

Most people have a hard time with Plan B, because their WS FREAKS soon after Plan B begins. They (WS) see it as punishment, or control, or LOSING control over the BS, or whatever. So, as soon as they start calling all the time or pounding on the door or threatening things like D or taking their kids away or begging to talk or to be let back in, etc, the BS comes out of Plan B. It would be extremely hard not to, considering that for the longest time, the BS craves to feel love from the WS, so when the WS acts out against Plan B, they want to believe is because they want to reconcile, even if their conditions are not met. Or, if the WS has threatened them with some sort of retaliation, and the BS is not prepared for it and does not know what their rights are, they cave for fear of whatever the WS has threatened. If PB is completely successful for 2-4 weeks, the drama USUALLY ends, and the BS can get the peace they deserve. That's why most plan B's go bad-outlasting that initial backlash of the WS.

Anyone going into Plan B should probably speak to a D attorney and find out exactly what their rights are. They should have a written plan for visitation for the children and a rock solid intermediary. It seems (IMO) that many times, BS go to PB to try to get their spouse back through a reality check of what D would be like, when really that is only part of the reason to go PB. The main reason is to remove the BS from the continuing abuse/drama of the WS and for the BS to find peace and become strong again on their own. It is also to preserve the love the BS has left for the WS so that when the A dies out, there is a chance for reconciliation.

Edited to add: Another reason Plan B may be necessary is if the WS is relying on both the BS and OP for ENs, PB removes the BS's contributions and the WS's Ens must then ALL be met by the OP. In essence, it will hopefully cause strife in the A and end the A faster.

By allowing contact. Allowing contact signals the WS that he is still in control and that the BS is not really serious. It also prevents the BS from ever detaching. Often folks will look for creative ways to stay in contact instead of creative ways to avoid it.

Sorry to chip in but I gave my WH PBL in Oct 07 and he weaseled his way back in house by Jan.(ie when he fetched and dropped kids).I got D papers mid Jan so I told him very calmly to go back to PB conditions.He was furious and told me its time I accepted things.He knows what Plan B entails and doesnt like it!!

He wants us to be friends!!NO WAY.When he phones I switch off my phone...feels good!I also feel MUCH better..with divorce looming I dont want to be caught up in fights with him either.Plan B is hard but best for your sanity!!

I often wonder if physically not allowing them to see you has an impact on them..

Drowningman,

There are quite a few ways one can screw up a Plan B. Personally, I advocate a Plan B sooner rather than later. I think quite a few people have entered Plan B too late. In some cases, it's too late for their own sanity and the hatred sets in. In other cases, it's too late and the golden opportunity to gain respect is passed.

Don't get me wrong, if the WS respected you they wouldn't be in the A in the first place. However, a key piece of Plan B success is personal strength, exuding dignity, and actions that will earn the respect of your WS. By allowing the WS back in your life without meeting your conditions, you allow them to chip away at everything you have accomplished during your Plan B.

One must be firm and resolute in the prerequisites for accepting a wayward back into their life.

A final note, I can't emphasize enough how much I believe in "Less is more" and "Silence is Golden". If the magic time machine existed in my case, I would go back and detach sooner, letting go of things outside of my control.

Every Plan B story is a success story. It will appear that way for you when the clarity arrives after months of peace.

Just my $ .02

DM,

You got my answer on your other thread. You're looking for a magic bullet. She's on to OM2. How long will you continue to abuse yourself this way?

People will treat us only as bad as we let them.

I do know of one situation similar to yours. The poster was a woman who cheated on her H. She left him to go live the single life and were divorced.

He moved on, or did the best he could to.

She realized, after some time away from him, that she made a big mistake and that she loved him very much.

Well, she came back to him, but he was gone in his heart, had moved on, and was afraid of being hurt by her again.

He was happy to not have her back in his life.

I know because I emailed with her all the time about it. He moved on.

This may very well be you someday, but it may not be. You need to let this go and you can't do it with the idea of jolting her loose or shaking reality into her.

She feels safe because she doesn't think you will D her. She's using her as a safety net in case her dating and everything else doesn't work out for her.

Plan B. It's time.

Thanks for your replies. I think all of you are right and it's time for plan B.

I can't continue going on like this or think that anything I do is going to bring her back to reality. I guess I'm the one who needs to come to terms with reality.

I still have to hope that she'll come home, but this is the only way I could accept her. Anything less would never work. I'll be preparing.

Hi DM ~

I would say we are a Plan B success story, even though we are still thick in Recovery Mode...

I just skimmed your response so don't know a lot about what is going on in your sitch. I DO know, however, that Plan B saved my sanity. I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown after a 10 month false recovery, and while the first 2 weeks or so of Plan B were very hard, I started to feel SO much better after that.

In fact, at one point I asked everyone "Can you stay in Plan B foreva.....?!?!?!?! I felt that much better in it.

So, that's it. You will feel like you have a better grip on life once you get into Plan B, and the BS fog will start to lift (yes, the BS goes through a fog, especially after living with a wayward) and you will be able to see the sitch more clearly and plan your next move without all the drama.

~MF [<~~~~~~waving and big HI to Jayban!!!!]

DM,

I think that I had the same expectations that you have now, and it doesn't always work that way. I have been in Plan B almost 6 months with only one 5 min. face to face contact. I hear the my WH's A has ended, however he has made no attempt to contact me. I did 9 months of Plan A/False Recovery.

Although my WH kept telling me he loved me, didn't want a D etc., after 9 months of many broken NC's and continued lying I went into Plan B all the way. And I did a little LBing at the end too. Couldn't help it.

My WH just left at that point. With Jennifer's coaching I tried a couple of different letters etc. but he ignored. I think some WS's get to the point where they think too much as been done and just leave, which is what I think is the sitch with mine. At first, I thought Plan B would bring him back but it didn't. So don't do it with that expectation in mind.

What it did for me though, was give me a clear path to my own recovery. It's hard though. At first I felt great, but lately I've had a little bit of a slump as reality set in. It's lonely some days, and you wonder what you are doing and why you did it. You wonder if you did the right thing, but as I look back and look at what I was going through I ask if this is the better alternative. When I look back, I see a WH who was continually lying to me, trying to maintain two seperate lives, and I was living alone most of the time anyway. And I ask myself would I rather have that? Not really.

I really didn't want to live with someone who could never make up his mind between me and someone else. I'm sure that if the original A is over, he probably already has someone else as well.

So bottom line, Plan B may not work on your spouse, but don't do it for that reason. Do it for you when you can't live another day like you are living now. You will get to the point where you realize that the only other thing that you can do is look the other way. In my case, I knew that was not an option for me.

Hello DM,


...I don't know the details of your situation.... but looking for some reassurance that PLAN B will do the 'trick' to get your WS to come back ... is not really the best way to approach PLAN B!

...but if it will help, I can personally attest to the fact that PLAN B can do wonders in clearing up....the BS fog! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

My WW's original A is over. We've been separated since Dday 1, but she wanted R and promised NC. On Dday 2 OM called it off. WW went through withdrawls and hated me. A month later she started dating OM2. This was December and I've been plan Aing ever since. At first, she didn't like him very much but she's spending more and more time with him now.

My reasons for going to plan b...

I'm hopeful because I don't think she's in love with OM2. He was just a rebound at first and I don't think she is addicted to him like in the first A, but I don't know if thats going to change with time. I feel like the clock is running against me.

My plan A is not working because she doesn't let me meet her ENs. She keeps her distance from me, but treats me like a doormat and safety net while she continues to see him. I can't allow that anymore.

This is putting me through h3ll all over again watching her in another A (and she doesnt consider this one an A). She keeps telling me she needs more time and doesn't know what she wants. Meanwhile, I've been on a rollercoaster.

Yes, I want her to come back, but I don't think she will unless I do something drastic. I also think it would lead to false recovery if she were to come back right now.

If this A doesn't stop there is nothing left for me to do, but recover and move on anyway. I also don't want to lose my love for her as I feel that R would already be very difficult with everything thats happened at this point.

Now that you know my sitch.. would you go to plan B??

DM,

...even though I still don't know a lot about your situation, one thing is for sure, you are in a lot of pain, and I am so sorry for that..


Your WS may have SAID she wanted R and promised NC... but her ACTIONS say otherwise.... and you need to be paying attention to what she DOES...



...it sounds like you are focusing a lot on what your WS is doing....I think your energies would be better invested on FOCUSING on what YOU are DOING.... and on the changes YOU would like to make....to be the best person you can be... and to continue learning as much as you can from the books and articles that are proposed on this site...



....because PLAN A involves 'giving' without any expectations, it creates an imbalance between the 'giver' and the 'taker' in us, and is the reason why PLAN A cannot go on indefinitely without it becoming dangerous to our emotional and psychological well-being.... what is your timeframe for PLAN A? ....if WS does not commit to R and NC with OP within that timeframe....or that your love for her is drastically diminishing.....then the next step for you to consider, for your own protection, is PLAN B....



....so maybe PLAN B may be in order...to remove yourelf from the drama and chaos created by the affairs.... and to leave your WS.... ALONE.... to think about what she wants.... and if and when she is willing to meet your conditions, you will decide THEN...what YOU want to do.....



SHE will come back IF SHE wants to....and it won't be because of what YOU do or don't do.... in the meantime... continue working on becoming the best person you can be.... learning from this experience the things you would do differently in a relationship... for when you will BE in one... either in recovering this relationship or in a new one...



I agree.



Given the info. and advice you have been previously provided with, if you think, in your heart, that you have given it YOUR best shot.....it may be time for you to consider PLAN B....

....and, as I already said, remove yourself from the chaos so that you can start the healing process of this very painful life experience, to learn from it, and use it in future relationships.... be it with WS, if she wakes up in time, or with someone new.....

One thing I can say for sure, DM, it will get better.. just hang in there....you will get through to the other side... and in the process you will have learned more about YOURSELF and how to better take care of YOURSELF! ....and know that you are worth ALL the effort so that one day you will be in the loving and caring relationship that you hope for....

YES.

You have been in Plan A for almost 2 months now and if you don't think you can do it anymore, you are going to start LBing and/or lose your love for her, then for the love of God, man...GO TO PLAN B!!!!

That is what it's for, to prevent these things. Sounds like you are being severely emotionally used and abused and that is NOT good for you.

You are not even living together and she is not letting you meet her ENs...she is fence sitting and you are allowing it. I can't think of better reasons for Plan B than all of these things.

Bumped for DM.

I read your other thread...

If your WS is unwilling to committ to recovery of M.... you have told her that you are WILLING to make the necessary changes and have SHOWN her that you can change.... so to that her needs can be better met...

..I think it's time to plan for PLAN B...like many have suggested already...

...and give yourself a chance to detach from WS... to protect yourself from the pain caused by the selfishness of a WS...... to start focusing on YOU and healing your wounds.... while at the same time...giving time to your WS a chance to see her life WITHOUT you in it... and SHOULD she change her mind... SHE will let you know....and THEN and ONLY THEN you will reconsider your options...

In the meantime...KNOW and LEARN how to live your life...WELL... with or without her.... or eventually with someone else, if you want to!

You can do it, DM... there is DEFINITELY a light at the end of the tunnel...just keep moving forward!

Thanks, Lunamare.

I'm getting prepared for plan B, but I'm worried about the timing right now, so i'm not pulling the trigger yet. She is traveling for work most of this month and in my opinion will barely be around to even notice plan B. I'm going to use this time to prepare and tie up some loose ends. Atleast, it's making things easier on me while she's gone because I know she isn't with OM.

Meanwhile, I'm also trying to do some damage control regarding her current image of me. She thinks I'm sitting at home waiting for her to come back, so I need to let her see that I'm capable of living without her. I don't want her last image of me being hurt and in pain when I go dark on her. Does that make sense?

Thanks for the support. I definitely need and appreciate it!

It certainly does....

As Orchid says...your heart and mind need to be in sync to go into PLAN B....seeing that YOU will be responsible for executing it... and you need to be strong and ready for PLAN B.... because it does involve your own WITHDRAWAL from WS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> ...so...expect to have to resist...finding excuses to contact your WS.... or cave-in to her attempts at breaking PLAN B! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

....then maybe...when you no longer are feeling like you are 'drowning', you might want to consider a name change... that will match your NEW life!