Good morning, everybody!!

My most recent thread is here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2007569&fpart=1

In less than 7 days, I will be in a court room with my husband who, for the past 3 months, has been living in his own apartment as a result of my proposal: stay home, work on our marriage, clean & sober (QUIT drinking completely) or leave.

I guess I'm a little nervous, but I'm far from panic or obsession. Any advice? Tips? I'm taking a trusted, well informed friend, my IM with me for support.

Do I worry about what I wear? Smile or not? Look at H or avoid eye contact completely?

Gimme what ya got!

Julie,

I don't have any advice since I am right behind you....interviewing attorneys so it is right around the corner.

I will follow how things go for you. Stay strong.

Personally, I wouldn't acknowledge his presence.

Good on taking the friend. As far as courtroom decorum... you're cool, calm and collective. H is your adversary in these proceedings so try and avoid direct eye contact and any confrontations.

Be respectful to the Judge, yes your Honor, no your Honor, etc. Pause before each answer and think about what you are saying.

You are representing yourself right?

It might not hurt to have a prepared statement in case the Judge asks you to explain WHY you are seeking the relief you're seeking. Keep it simple and concise. If you have any physical evidence to back up any claims bring it with you, especially financial stuff. Just take what you filed and prepare a statement from that.

Don't get emotional if you can help it (I know, easier said than done.)

I'll think on this some more. I've got LOTS of courtroom experience since I was a paralegal for 15 years prior to being a legal assistant.

PM, thank you! I will appreciate anything else you throw my way.

Yes, I am representing myself. Yikes, he's my adversary??

I'm hoping I won't get emotional at all. I am, however, THE MOST emotional person I know. Tall order. I'm going to try though. Really hard.

Is it OK to make it very, very clear to the judge that I am hoping/willing/trying/planning to save my marriage? And that he chose to leave when presented with the option of cutting alcohol out of his life? Relevant? Or irrelevant?

My neighbor/friend/IM knows enough that, if for some reason I cannot speak (but hopefully that won't happen) she can speak for me. She has also said that if given the opportunity, she will give a statement/talk to the judge. EEeks. I don't know what she will say or what her plan is, but I cannot control another human being and thus I will not concern myself with that.

This will not consume me. I need financial support & I will make it clear that he has "given" me $610 since leaving and SPENT $590 of that. Um, and that my MONTHLY mortgages, the tip of the iceburg when it comes to OUR bills, is $1200 alone.

OK, no looking at him. That'll be hard. I'll probably want to hug him & want to punch him & want to grab his hand & run away with him all at the same hearing!

Should I be hot - Hot - HOTT? I mean, this is also my chance to remind him of what he's missing...right?

Remind me again please. You filed for a LSA and the purpose of this hearing is to ask for temporary support for you and child support for your children?

Julie,

You are a GODDESS....you are already HOT....

Think Business-like HOT...not trashy....think of it as you are trying to impress the judge at this point, not you WS. If you impress the judge, WS WILL notice.....

What's you best feature???? Play that one up....no need to be plain, but you don't want to be street-hooker either....

You will do fine.....have faith in yourself...

Not2fun

Yes, don't show up like my FWH's OW did for a custody hearing... miniskirt and stillettos.

PM, yes, LSA - child support & maintenance. It's the ANTI-foreclosure movement. HA!

You didn't answer about telling the judge #1-I want to save my marriage/DO NOT want a divorce; #2-alcohol.

You guys are funny. Honestly, I think whatever I do/wear will be imprinted on H's brain/memory for weeks to come. We've got quite the chemistry & it's been a LONG time since he's seen me. I know it's making him buggy. Anyhoo, I don't do hooker - in fact I'm leaving work & heading straight to the courthouse. So, I will have his favorite shoes (OH yea, he pays attention to shoes, BIG time) and a pantsuit, and have my hair looking GREAT.

This just got fun!

Okay, child support and maintenance then. IMO, there is nothing wrong with stating the fact that you want to save your marriage but you have no choice other than to be in front of him asking for help. That way the judge will view you as coming from a place of survival as opposed to vengence. No finger pointing or blame games (which I suspect is what your husband will do IF he even shows up).

As for the alcohol, tell the judge WHY it has become such an issue for you and your kids and how it has necessitated the separation. In fact, the judge may even order your husband to get some help if he's a pro-family judge.

Whatever the reason though, according to the LAW (which is what the Judge will follow) your husband is OBLIGATED to support his family. Even if you divorced, that obigation would still be there as far as the children are concerned.

This is why I suggested preparing a statement or a summary of your position that includes the FACTS (that you can prove).

Start with an outline and follow that.

Example:

1. Married for how many years.
2. How many children.
3. Reason for separation.
4. Date he moved out.
5. Amount he's paid since he moved out.
6. List of bills that you've paid.
7. List of unpaid bills (IRS debt?, back mortgage, etc)
8. Monthly cost of living.
9. List of children's upcoming financial needs, etc.

See... then if you get flustered, you can refer to your outline.

Practice speaking in front of the mirror stating your case. The Judge may only give you one shot.

(((((JustJulie))))))

I will be praying for you, hon! You have been so strong though all of this and you should be proud of yourself. I will pray that you have peace when you are in the courtroom and that you do not become too emotional...because that's the hardest part. But, you have a lot to be sad/angry/hurt/etc about, so it IS understandable if you get flustered, you know! All you can do is your best, and I have faith in you...we ALL do.

We'll all be here supporting you and cheering you on, girl! You have put you and your children's safety and happiness first and you are to be commended for your strength and integrity.

Good luck and God Bless you!

What if they recommend/order mediation?

Hi Julie,

I was thinking about you this morning. I am sure you are nervous about tomorrow. PM knows how these work better than I do. I just wanted to say how very proud I am of you for standing up for yourself and your kids. You are showing so much strength and courage and I know how hard this is and how hard tomorrow will be. Just remember that we are all behind you!!!

I really don't see them ordering mediation for an LSA but I could be wrong, It's happened before. If they do, then I think it's at that point I would let the Judge know that you cannot afford mediation (it's expensive, at least in Texas). There may be a way around paying for that, but I really don't see that happening.

Either way, I think the Judge will, at a minimum, order some kind of temporary support.

Please check back in and let us know how it went. We'll be here cheering you on! K?

Thanks for the encouragement. I hope you're right PM, just wanna be prepared.

I was in a REALLY good place this weekend. Lots of affirmations, strutting my stuff, generally really liking ME & where I'm at. Today, 2 thoughts come to mind: #1-How about we call this whole thing off?? #2-I think I need a drink! Going a little bonkers but that's normal I'm sure.

Don't worry, I'm going. I need to do this for ME. If I can show myself me going to that hearing tomorrow I'll be one proud chick. So, gotta stay busy till then. Busy, busy, busy...

Kinda like the thoughts I had on the way to the hospital with my first childbirth? Wait a minute! I don't wanna do this. LOL

Julie, this is an important step, not only for protecting your family, but for showing husband that you are DEAD SERIOUS about your requirements for him to return to the marriage. You're not playing games and 1/2-a$$ed won't do anymore.

You're right. Thanks for the reminder. I just want it to be done with! I want to save my marriage. I was "driven" to this point. I've got nothing to be nervous about...I didn't do anything wrong!

Thanks guys. Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Tuesday!

Good luck Julie

I'll say an extra prayer for you guys tonight--

Make a wish on the first star I see tonight----

Rub my lucky rabbits foot--(not so lucky for the rabbit!!!)


Your gonna do fine-best of luck tommorow

Gotta run

Rocky

Any kids? If not, not to worry. If so, find a way to keep them away from an alcoholic until he gets his stuff together.

No need to expose the kids to that.

Best of luck. I'll pray for you and other BSes out there who have to go and deal with our Family Law system.

is this support court? if you are going for child support it is pretty cut and dry. there are different types of courts and i am just not sure where you are going. see, i went to the supreme court of our area (it was family/domestic violence court because my ex had been arrested for harassing me in front of the kids so any family cases we have go in front of this one judge) for custody and divorce. for child support i went to support court. that was based solely on my income and his and what the laws are based on 2 children. so, i got x% of his income plus he had to pay for child care and have them on his insurance. that was cut and dry. that judge could have cared less whether or not i wanted to save my marriage. we were there to decided on support and that was it. it would have done no good for me to say anything like that (if i had wanted to) and he probably wouldn't have let me say it anyway.

so, if this is just for support, i am not sure what good it would do for you to bring up anything concerning his drinking or the fact that you want to save the marriage. you two are doing an LSA and he has to pay support bottom line. here where i live i had to fill out paper work that listed my income and all of my expenses and the kids expenses and my ex had to do the same. did you have to do that? if not,then definitely as PM has said, bring all of your expenses and what you earn with you and i would imagine your h will have to do the same. and it should just be awarded as a percentage of his income, cut and dry. i did not ask for alimony as it was shaky whether or not i would get it, so i decided to forgo it. but if you can get it, go for it.

be professional, dress "businessy", and stay calm. you are a strong woman, julie, who has come so very far. you can do this! good luck tomorrow. :-)

mlhb

Thanks.

Yes, LSA & support. For DS & myself if I can get it.

I'm starting to see cross-eyed! Getting all these papers & details & such organized.

Soon enough, we shall find out...

Hi Julie,

How did everything go yesterday? You were on my mind a lot during the day....let us know how you are doing, ok?

sot

Hey guys, sorry I didn't update. I was in a pretty weird place last night, as I'm sure you can imagine. I got home, snatched up the kids, and off to the bowling alley we went. So, my composure/game face prevailed till late last night. I'll re-cap:


This lady, the court commissioner, was a Julie's-H-cheerleader! She scolded me for selling stuff & wasn't interested in WHY I sold it, wasn't pleased I got all the tax refunds w/o H seeing/signing it, she told me I MUST talk to him - I continued to disagree w/her & so she told my H that if I won't talk to him, he should file contempt of court. We split our holidays up to July 4th & that was that. 50% of my total mortgage expenses will now be covered by H. He was NOT happy AT ALL. Never once attempted to look my way or gesture or talk to me.

By last night I was reeling - it was so hard seeing him, I really did want to just reach over. He said, "I have no stake in that" when asked about the house which really hurt, and dividing the holidays made it seem all too real. It feels like divorce. She actually asked if there was any drug/alcohol abuse so I told her that's the reason for this separation & she said, "Mrs. W, are you alleging your husband is a 24-hr soak?" She pressed for details so I gave them, though I didn't want to put H's business out there like that or humiliate him. She said, "Mr. W, do you enjoy an occasional drink? Most people do..." So he went on to tell her "I've been known to binge drink, I never drink when I have my son, and I don't drive drunk anymore. And in the 9 years we've been married, I've only blacked out 3 times" I simply said, "sorry, it's been more than 3 times" and then the issue was dead. "Well, I see no reason to NOT offer joint custody." That's fine. Joint custody is OK w/me, but having a COURT COMMISSIONER pat H on the back for being a NON-social drinker was a little unexpected!

So, I need this behind me. A friend says I should call the commissioner's supervisor & complain. I could, but I want this in the past where it belongs. Gotta keep marching you know...

Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who have supported me. My goal in life since I filed those papers was to be strong enough to sit in that room w/H. I did it - I did GREAT, and I was looking D*MN good. So, I felt good. I am blessed beyond my fondest dreams, much thanks to you all.

Forgot to add: I've been ordered by the court to let him in the house within 10 days to remove tools needed for work. That'll be done tonight via IM watching over him so he doesn't take any "extras".

sounds like you made out according to the law.
i wish my h had had to pay 50% of the mortgage expenses!

we are actually trying to finalize things with the house right now.
i have been paying everything on it for 3 years now and he has not contributed at all. i am hoping to get some sort of relief from a judge on that.

what did you get for child support julie? and did you get alimony?

i am a little miffed by that court person.

what the heck was that all about? wow.

you did it though julie and for that you can be proud. good job!

mlhb

What a whack job. Where did this person get their law degree? Or do they let non-lawyers in that position? How the heck can you be in "contempt of court" for not talking to your husband when there are no orders in place that ORDER you to communicate with him?

I kinda understand about the drinking thing, from the Court's position it was more of a he-says-she-says argument. Without concrete proof (i.e., drunk driving records, rehab stints, etc) it IS your word against his.

I'm curious too, did you get any child support? Even if you split custody 50/50, someone is the custodial parent footing all the bills. That's great on the house payment... something you can file contempt AGAINST him if he doesn't honor the court's ruling.

You did a great job of speaking up for yourself. Don't let that commissioner intimidate you. If you had done anything wrong (i.e., the tax refund, etc) they would have ordered you to reimburse your husband.

Thanks guys, I feel good about it too...now.

There was talk of me probably having to reimburse him for the things I sold...but no real details or specifics, so the way I look at it, that too was a he-said/she-said. We shall see.

And you know what, I was miffed by her too & will agree she's a whack job! And then, I am grateful she was on "his side". I suppose that's just enough reinforcement for him to try and break my Plan B & get to me "cuz she said you HAVE to". And, when I don't budge, just like I'm not now, he will have to DO something. He'll have to get off his [censored] & file contempt on me. And maybe then he'll meet someone w/more of a brain who will say that's not contempt! Either way, I'm not sure he's got it in him to do it.

We both had opportunities to throw each other under the bus yesterday & we both refrained.

Custody is joint, primary placement with me. I did get CS, and that amount happens to be the same as my 2nd mortgage payment. She also ordered he pay 50% of the 1st mortgage, so when I add the CS & the add'l payment together, I have 50% of my TOTAL (1st & 2nd) mortgages covered. Hope that makes sense.

Goodness. I don't get it. You have a spouse that has a drinking problem and they give him joint.

I really hope your son isn't put in danger by his drinking.

pom,

my husband at the time, attacked me in front of our kids by kicking the door in and shoving me against the wall using every profanity.
he was arrested and there was a restraining order.he plead guilty to harrassment and endangering the welfare of our children.

he got joint custody.

go figure.

mlhb

Well, so H came in & removed stuff under the watchful eye of IM. I guess he got angry/loud w/her & needs to come back again (sigh) to get more cuz he didn't have proper notice this time.

DD is once again upset. I guess H told the kids he's going to go to AA next week & they were both happy, DD said, "that's great, now you can come home in 3 mos" (90 in 90) and he said "No, I don't want to do that" So she's all upset. They both said he's angry & I told them to keep that in mind - that we all say things we don't mean when we're angry - but that it could be true he won't ever come home; we can't control that & either way we will be OK.

DD says I have to talk to him. H took them over to his sister's house tonight & they were talking openly & loudly near DD about the fact that the court has ordered me to talk to him & I'm going to end up in jail if I don't. I don't think the idea of jail "or a really big ticket" scares her, she seems genuinely mad tonight that I won't talk to him. That I'm trying to hurt him by not telling him about conferences, etc.

So, I said to DD, "if you want to call Dad now, and ask him to come over, I will talk to him. We can sit up all night & talk if you want" I was willing to break my own Plan B tonight but even my 11y/o DD knows that isn't going to accomplish anything.

Anyway, I thought I'd let y'all know. She's really starting to resent being stuck in the middle, having H & I stating our case, etc.

I think he's scared/still angry from yesterday. Maybe he'll go to AA, maybe he won't. Maybe he won't come home - maybe he will. By the weekend, this probably will have blown over. We're focusing too much on H again! Lately, it seems each time he's got the kids (usually only when DD is there) THEY are taken back to Square One!

Hang in there and be strong. Court makes it all seem more real, but lots can still happen.

Sorry you are having to go through this with your kids, but stick to your guns. You are the only one standing up for your family right now.

Thanks, believer. I appreciate the reassurance. Right now, I'm a huge Plan-B-flight-risk. I think I'll make it out though. After all, it's almost tomorrow.

I do understand how from outside of MB, plan B looks. It could be viewed as strange, manipulative, uncooperative, etc. It seems that the court looked at it that way and your DD may be seeing that way too. I am really sorry that you are all dealing with that.

Remember from alanon, to DETACH. This was so hard for me, but once I mastered it, it was incredibly powerful.

If you take this down to simple things, he drinks, upsets the family, destroys the house, causes much pain. You want yourself and your children to be removed from this pain.

It sounds like you are saying all the right things to your kids, and I am very proud of you. Of course he is angry about the money. That is too bad for him but his reality is that he has obilgations. Now they are not just words to you, but a court ordered amount that he has to pay. I think reality just hit him. He knows what will happen if he does't comply.

Try to let the emotions of this change in his situation simmer down a bit. Try to let things cool off before a next step.

How are YOU feeling....

Hey SOT, I was just thinking about you & turned the box back on...and there you are!

You're right, keep it simple, our life wasn't working - even H said that! I really do wish he didn't drag the kids down...but I'm guilty of it too. He spews stupid-babble, then DD is upset which is upsetting to me so I tell her she can talk to me if she wants (although she spent some time talking w/IM tonight, which is great, IM got H to call DD, but she was HORRIBLY upset after that call so I stepped in, UGH) and I'm ready to call him just to help her sleep better, prove to her I'll do whatever it takes.

How do I feel? Well, that's an interesting question! I feel like calling SIL (who, by the way, has asked me to watch her son/H's nephew this weekend - I don't want to, but read on & you'll see I just might) to let her know she had NO RIGHT to bad-mouth my kids' mother IN MY KIDS' PRESENCE! Just so that "cool big bro" isn't mad at her! I feel extremely confident - like if I was impressed by his squirming last week, I've REALLY got him now! I feel desperate, like maybe I should just let him home & see how it goes...after all, he said he's going to AA next week (pfft!). I feel hopeful, like it's only been 3 mos since he left/24 hrs since he got "slapped" with CS, there's plenty of time to reconcile. I feel scared, like he's going to get more volatile w/IM & more manipulative w/the kids & more affectionate w/bar hags. I feel like negotiating a phone call to him w/you all...yet I feel stupid for even having such a thought!

You know what? I WAS detached - very much so, I believe. Seeing him & some of the things he said in my presence along with not even trying to look my way really set me back. My recovery time is getting quicker though!