Hi!
Two months ago, I discovered my husband’s 6-month infidelity with a coworker and I’m devastated. As you all know, feelings of pain, anger, resentment and even love play out at different times in what’s become an unbearable roller-coaster.

When I’m angry and thirst for revenge, I plan all sorts of things to do to my husband and OW (they're not longer seeing each other... that's what he says...). One thing I think a lot about is contacting OWH to make him aware of the exemplary wife and mother he’s wasting his life with. The thing is… they have two kids, and that’s the only thing that actually stops me from making the final move (I have a letter ready, I know their phone and address, it’s just a matter of making my mind).

Nothing would make me happier than seeing her go through at least a bit of what I’ve had to endure … but I’m not sure I could have peace of mind knowing that their kids would have their share of suffering as well.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

I agree with you...I would also want to see her squirm. But, it's really not about that. She is lying to her H and children. Are you and your H recovering? Do you know, for sure, that they are over? What stage are you two at right now? Does he still live with you? You have to deal with your own stuff first. But, I've read enough postings here to see that everyone says to expose the affair! I think that probably takes a bunch of guts, but it seems to be the way to go. I did not have to do this but some of the others will know how to guide you. I would speak with OWH directly, not in a letter. Good luck.

Expose the affair. The other BS has a right to know. Not doing so makes you an accomplice to his pain.

It's not an easy thing to do, especially if you think that your motive is to make her suffer.

Don't think about her or about you or about your husband. Think about her husband. His marriage is a lie, and he doesn't know it.

I exposed what I knew to OWH, and it was he who got the truth out of his wife and told me. He suspected an affair right away when I called him. I could not fathom that my husband, a devout Catholic and former seminarian, would ever have an affair.

Despite all the pain I experienced in learning the truth, I'm glad I did. Without the truth, our marriage would have no chance of being intimate. It would be a lie.

Expose out of compassion for the woman's husband.

Cherishing

You can tell OWH for "his sake", if that makes you feel better. He deserves to know, and nobody else is going to tell him. I'd want to be told, too.

Me? I didn't give a rat's [censored] about OMW. I told her just to strike back at OM. I was civil enough to her...I pretended to care about her feelings, and even offered to talk to her in the future if she wanted to compare notes.

The bottom line is that I wanted to make OM suffer, even at the expense of his BS, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Even now, nearly 2 years into this mess, I still get the almost uncontrollable urge to grease him out of existence, my only consolation is that I told his wife, making his life as big a mess as mine is. And he knows it.

He probably wants me dead nearly as much as I want him dead, and I wouldn't have it any other way.


So, tell because it's the right thing to do, or tell out of a desire for revenge...or both. You keep the moral high ground either way.


Just tell ASAP.

Julcai...

one of the most insidiously evil aspects of an affair is the lack of knowledge.....knowledge is power....

there is an intrisic unjustness of the BS's (if applacable)being allowed the right to make informed decisions...

informed decisions that encompass their

financial stability
mental health
and down right physical health as you and all BS are at risk for STDS that can end your life...

informing the BS of your WS is the morally correct thing to do...

you now have information that impacts him ...

set him free
give the right to choose as you now have the right to choose as well...


the children in these situations deserve to have at least one grownup in the family who gives a rats behind about their safety...

I humbly implore you to tell the OP's husband...
for his right to know

what he does with that information is not of your concern

ARK^^

julcai,

Think of it this way. 3 of the 4 people involved here know the truth. the only one who has not been informed is the OWH.

Does he deserve to be left in the dark like some kind of insignificant fool?

You need to expose, as he will become YOUR ally in this fight.

Your goal is to break the A partners apart. Give him a chance to save his M too.

All blessings,
Jerry

Hello to all of you,
I thank you for your views, which are all centered on the OWH. However, I feel that none of the posting has actually addressed my main concern, which are the kids. As I said, they are the ones who stop me from telling OWH, not him. If there were no kids involved, I would have spoken up long ago. But there are two small children who should not suffer for their parent's mistakes and they're the ones I'm concerned about.

What do you say about them?

Thanks again for your generous views.

The thing that is hurting her children is her sleazy behavior, not you telling her husband. If you say nothing, he is not warned that there are problems in his marriage, and she will either try to continue the affair with your husband, or look for another woman's husband.

Their marriage has the best chance of lasting if he knows the truth of his life. Hiding the truth to "protect" the children from their mother's actions won't work.

But let's get back to you. How to you know the affair is over? Has he written a no contact letter? Is he willing to be an open book? Does he account for his time away from you? Did one of them quit? Has he explained why he felt it was okay to betray his marriage vows? Has he answered all of your questions?

Hey, guess how I found out about my husband's affair? The other woman's daughter told me. Alright, so she was an adult and the way she found out was that her mother was babysitting her child and another child and when the daughter went to her mother's house to pick up the kid, she came to the door wearing only a t-shirt. And my husband was there.

But still.

I wouldn't have known if a third party hadn't told me. We had three children, who were all under 10 years old at the time. We recovered, and the kids didn't know what went on. Oh, they knew mommy was very sad for a long time and mommy and daddy had a lot of talking to do, but they never knew about the affair.

It depends on how the parents handle things, how the children are affected.

The only way you are going to help those kids is by destroying the affair. Your best shot at destroying the affair is to tell the OWH. Those kids arent going to have much of a life while there is an affair going on withing their family. They can feel it just like adults.

If you care about the kids, then you should tell.

The affair will destroy their marriage from the inside out and will cause their kids a lot of pain. Exposure, as well as ruining the affair and the fantasy will give their marriage (and yours) a chance to recover.

And of course, I'm sure if you were the only party in the dark YOU would want someone to have the compassion to tell you.

Expose to OWH. He will one day thank you for it.

tellin the bs is all about the kids...

your husbands OP doesn't care about her own kids...

god only knows what she is planning....

taking the children
hoarding money
exposure to strange men....

exposing them to your husband as her friend that makes HER happy

the husband needs to know cause he is the only one capable of protecting the children from her..

tell him
tell him about this site...

that is what you do when you care about children...
you make sure they have access to an adult that is in a position to make decisions based on their welfare...not on the junky affair thoughts....of a op/ws


Do you think your husband is capable in the throes of an affair making healthy decisions about children's welfare..

I dare say not....
neither is the OP....



ark

When the affair was exposed, we had four children -- ages 1, 2, 4, and 7. The then 2 year old is now 8 and playing with the puppy that her Dad finally got for her. Her Dad is sitting on the couch next to her and reading. Our other children are still sleeping on this lazy Saturday morning.

I cannot say that our marriage is a success story at this point, but I don't believe that we would have survived as a couple with a lie that big between us.

A Supreme Court justice once said, "Sunlight is the best disinfectant." Secrecy in marriage is like mold.

Our children were told "Daddy kissed S-- on the lips." Mom was very upset. It was a long time for me to heal. I think our children are better off without an elephant in the room. They know Dad did things that were bad.

I once told a child a favorite saying of my father's: "If you find that you've dug yourself a hole, the first thing you do is: stop digging!" Revelation of or exposure of an affair can be the impetus to "stop digging".

If there is a WS in a marriage and that person's behavior is not exposed, that makes it easier to go back to the original affair partner or start another affair. How much of an impact does that sort of behavior have on a child? Better to have exposure and the potential for a choice by the WS to not do what is hurtful to his family.

You are relying on your husband to not continue seeing this woman. A love affair is like cocaine abuse. If he can keep you from contacting the other woman's husband, then he can continue the affair. I know. It's what happened to me. My husband told me I would betray his trust if I called the husband. I considered calling in July, 2001, and didn't until April, 2002. I no longer feel guilty for not calling because he was responsible for his own behavior. However, I think a lot of harm could have been averted if I had called. I wouldn't be surprised if the call led to the revelation that the affair had been continuing all this time...

Cherishing

Charynne,
Your views are very valuable to me since you were in the same position as the OWH is right now.. in the dark and with kids. You said it was important for your marriage's health that you learned about the affair. Also, that your kids didn't seem to be so affected given the way you and your husband handled things. It is important for me to know all that to make my mind of telling the OWH.

If you have some advice on how to handle the "telling" part, I will appreciate it.

Regards,
Julcai

Give him a call and arrange a meeting. He won't be angry with you at all, in fact you will be an ally when he confronts his wife.

I gathered all of the evidence I could on my wife and OM and dropped off at his home on Christmas eve and gave it all directly to his wife.

She in turn gave me all the evidence SHE had been gathering, but was afraid to contact me.

JC,

Meet with him in person.

Tell him that you had held off because you were worried about his children, but that you had considered that his marriage needed to be a strong one in order to raise strong children.

Tell him about this website, and that there is hope after an affair.

Tell him all is not lost.

But if you do NOT tell him, the odds are very high that his wife will have another affair

she will get caught

and those kids will end up in a mess anyway. If you tell now, he has only ONE affair to deal with, one mess to work with, and they may have a chance as a couple.

If he finds out later, after possibly more cheating, or living longer in the lies, that won't be so easy.


At least this way, it is a controlled exposure, and you will give him a resource for help from the start, and information that it is possible to rebuild the marriage. Be sure to emphasize that to him.

And be sure to have the website and contact numbers for the Harleys already written down for him before you go.

Tell him the way you wish someone should have told you.

Compassionately.

Sb

Schoolbus and Pariah,
Thank you both for your great advice. It sounds sensible and compassionate. Reading comments like yours is helping me understand the benefits to the kids of revealing the truth. I didn't see any good before and I can now see it. Still, I must say that making the move knowing all the pain that will come after that, makes me hesitate. But I do understand that it is a long-term benefit.

Thanks again,
Julcai

Your WH and his OW are the cause of any pain suffered by you, OWH and the children. By not informing him, you are relieving WH and OW of this responsibility. OWH needs and deserves to know. It is the best hope for everyone involved.

Good morning everyone,

I must confess that I’m surprised by the unanimous views on my question of whether or not telling OWH given the impact and suffering it may have on the kids. It seems that it is dilemma just for me whereas the answer is crystal clear for the rest. That makes me wonder why is that and what’s wrong with me…

If those kids can survive being brought up by a tramp, they can survive finding out about her affair.

A divorce might be the best thing that could ever happen to them, anyway.

The reason why it is a dilemma for you and clear for the rest of us is that YOU are the one who actually has to do it. After much discussion, my FWW made the call to OMW to apologize for the A and disclose everything to her. I held her hand as she made the call. According to what she was told about OMW, we assumed massive retaliation. It turned out to be what their M needed to recover as OM opened up about many other A and lies.

There is nothing wrong with you about questionning this. But, it is the right thing to do. My advise would be to do it in person. The OMW tried calling me once during the A to warn me. Instead, my wife picked up the phone and was chewed out for a long time. By the time she wanted to talk to me, I just assumed she was a crazy person and I (stupidly & regretably) did not believe a word she said about my perfect, wonderful wife.

Be strong and warmly present facts. He needs to know just like all of us BS needed to know. We deserve the right to know about our own lives.

Nothing is wrong with you. We've just been here longer and seen the devestating results of secrecy and the power of exposure.

julcai,

I have felt very ambivalent for most of the past 6 years about whether or not I should have called OWH and told him what I knew.

There is no doubt a devastating effect on children, especially girls, to know that a father has been unfaithful. Like a family history of cancer or alcoholism, getting the issue on the table can result in it getting addressed.

Dr. Harley just posted something on the private forum today about how girls especially are affected by a father's infidelity and end up being very distrusting of their husbands.

I had my concerns about my husband's relationship with this woman but did not suspect an affair. That's why I called OWH. When the OWH told me it was an affair, I was devastated. I followed Dr. Harley's advice to tell the children, too.

Obviously, it would be far better if the children had not suffered the trauma of knowing Dad did something really, really bad. Good even can come of this. Our children have learned that you can do something really, really bad and can recover.

They also know the truth.

They aren't sheltered by lies.

Children don't need the details. What they need is to understand what happened. I told my children, "Daddy kissed S -- on the lips." They appreciate that Dad only kisses Mom on the lips, that Dad and Mom are supposed to have a special relationship and that Dad a special relationship with someone else that made Mom very sad. As my husband once poignantly put it, "What was between S-- and me should have been special between us." Yes, very true...

In the last year or so, I realized that my daughter who was just over one year old at the time didn't know what had happened, so I told her. I suspected that someday she'd learn from a sibling, and I wanted to be the one to tell her.

There's an honesty in my relationship with our children. They know they can talk to me. They know they can come to me and say -- I messed up -- and know that I'll still be there for them as they recover from or make restitution for what they have done.

I broke the Hummel...
I got a late assignment...
I got a D+ in math...
I wet my pants...

We humans aren't perfect. The first step in recovery is facing what you have done.

The years have gone by, and I reflect on how our lives are forever changed by what really was a stupid infatuation that came of self-indulgent willingness to form a close friendship with another woman.

We were naive. What is true love? I used to think true love was the bond of passion between two people that is unchangeable and so strong it would last forever. Now I realize it is the commitment to be there for the other person, to care for the other person no matter what they do. Like with my children, I will never cut off my husband without hope of reconciliation. He may in the future do something which results in a separation or even divorce, but I will always be open to reconciliation.

By calling OWH, you give those children the opportunity to live in a home where there isn't a lie that affects the entire family, whether or not those who are part of the family are aware of the lie.

This may be my last post except on the Private Forum. It's time for me to move on to filling my life with enjoying my family, not reflecting on what might have been. And, yes, the driveway needs to be shoveled...it's been snowing since early morning.

It is a hard decision you are making. The negative impact is immediate. Given what my husband did, I'm glad I found out, and I'm glad my children know. As the Bible says, "The truth shall set you free."

Cherishing

Cherishing,
I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story with me and understanding what I’m going through in order to do what’s best for everyone, especially the kids. It’s funny to think that I’m so concerned about the other woman’s kids when it seems like they never crossed her mind when she was pleasuring from the affair. I guess we're just "made" so differently and our nature and morals sit on opposite ends.

Before you go, I want you to know that I’m amazed by how serene and mature you come across in your postings after all you’ve gone through. This makes your advice all the more valuable to me and I'll miss your input.

THANK YOU and all the best in your journey to final recovery

julcai

Jul,

I think that beyond the fact that the OWH deserves to know and the fact that he will ultimately be your ally in enforcing NC, is that what and when to tell their children is ultimately up to OWH and OW.

My 2 DD's were older (18 & 19) when my FWH had his affair, and they both know it happened. They have never judged him and if his actions have had a negative affect on his relationship with them, well I haven't seen any evidence of it.

What I do regret though, is not discussing the why with them. My oldest is now married and I wish she had a clearer understanding of the vulnerability of any marriage to infidelity. I see she and her H making tiny little mistakes like not spending enough time together and basically living independent lives and it really scares me.

We walk a fine line between encouraging distrust and providing insight based on personal experience, and I still haven't figured out what the boundaries are.

FWIW, if it were me and I were still angry, well I would make sure that you rehearse over and over again what you will say to the OWH. If you come across as vindictive, he may not believe you. Make sure that you are calm and collected and have your evidence at hand.

Good Luck,

Who

Ok, wow...
Cherishing, that was put beautifully. I, too, am amazed at your calm and your grace. Best of luck to you and yours.
As for you, J, if you come out of this with 1/2 the grace and poise Cherishing has, you'll be a winner.

It's wonderful to leave the Board with such wonderful compliments!

I apologize for the threadjack. I just got caught up in recalling my own struggle with whether or not to call the OWH, and I decided to make a last post.

Cherishing