If those kids can survive being brought up by a tramp, they can survive finding out about her affair.

A divorce might be the best thing that could ever happen to them, anyway.

The reason why it is a dilemma for you and clear for the rest of us is that YOU are the one who actually has to do it. After much discussion, my FWW made the call to OMW to apologize for the A and disclose everything to her. I held her hand as she made the call. According to what she was told about OMW, we assumed massive retaliation. It turned out to be what their M needed to recover as OM opened up about many other A and lies.

There is nothing wrong with you about questionning this. But, it is the right thing to do. My advise would be to do it in person. The OMW tried calling me once during the A to warn me. Instead, my wife picked up the phone and was chewed out for a long time. By the time she wanted to talk to me, I just assumed she was a crazy person and I (stupidly & regretably) did not believe a word she said about my perfect, wonderful wife.

Be strong and warmly present facts. He needs to know just like all of us BS needed to know. We deserve the right to know about our own lives.

Nothing is wrong with you. We've just been here longer and seen the devestating results of secrecy and the power of exposure.

julcai,

I have felt very ambivalent for most of the past 6 years about whether or not I should have called OWH and told him what I knew.

There is no doubt a devastating effect on children, especially girls, to know that a father has been unfaithful. Like a family history of cancer or alcoholism, getting the issue on the table can result in it getting addressed.

Dr. Harley just posted something on the private forum today about how girls especially are affected by a father's infidelity and end up being very distrusting of their husbands.

I had my concerns about my husband's relationship with this woman but did not suspect an affair. That's why I called OWH. When the OWH told me it was an affair, I was devastated. I followed Dr. Harley's advice to tell the children, too.

Obviously, it would be far better if the children had not suffered the trauma of knowing Dad did something really, really bad. Good even can come of this. Our children have learned that you can do something really, really bad and can recover.

They also know the truth.

They aren't sheltered by lies.

Children don't need the details. What they need is to understand what happened. I told my children, "Daddy kissed S -- on the lips." They appreciate that Dad only kisses Mom on the lips, that Dad and Mom are supposed to have a special relationship and that Dad a special relationship with someone else that made Mom very sad. As my husband once poignantly put it, "What was between S-- and me should have been special between us." Yes, very true...

In the last year or so, I realized that my daughter who was just over one year old at the time didn't know what had happened, so I told her. I suspected that someday she'd learn from a sibling, and I wanted to be the one to tell her.

There's an honesty in my relationship with our children. They know they can talk to me. They know they can come to me and say -- I messed up -- and know that I'll still be there for them as they recover from or make restitution for what they have done.

I broke the Hummel...
I got a late assignment...
I got a D+ in math...
I wet my pants...

We humans aren't perfect. The first step in recovery is facing what you have done.

The years have gone by, and I reflect on how our lives are forever changed by what really was a stupid infatuation that came of self-indulgent willingness to form a close friendship with another woman.

We were naive. What is true love? I used to think true love was the bond of passion between two people that is unchangeable and so strong it would last forever. Now I realize it is the commitment to be there for the other person, to care for the other person no matter what they do. Like with my children, I will never cut off my husband without hope of reconciliation. He may in the future do something which results in a separation or even divorce, but I will always be open to reconciliation.

By calling OWH, you give those children the opportunity to live in a home where there isn't a lie that affects the entire family, whether or not those who are part of the family are aware of the lie.

This may be my last post except on the Private Forum. It's time for me to move on to filling my life with enjoying my family, not reflecting on what might have been. And, yes, the driveway needs to be shoveled...it's been snowing since early morning.

It is a hard decision you are making. The negative impact is immediate. Given what my husband did, I'm glad I found out, and I'm glad my children know. As the Bible says, "The truth shall set you free."

Cherishing

Cherishing,
I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story with me and understanding what I’m going through in order to do what’s best for everyone, especially the kids. It’s funny to think that I’m so concerned about the other woman’s kids when it seems like they never crossed her mind when she was pleasuring from the affair. I guess we're just "made" so differently and our nature and morals sit on opposite ends.

Before you go, I want you to know that I’m amazed by how serene and mature you come across in your postings after all you’ve gone through. This makes your advice all the more valuable to me and I'll miss your input.

THANK YOU and all the best in your journey to final recovery

julcai

Jul,

I think that beyond the fact that the OWH deserves to know and the fact that he will ultimately be your ally in enforcing NC, is that what and when to tell their children is ultimately up to OWH and OW.

My 2 DD's were older (18 & 19) when my FWH had his affair, and they both know it happened. They have never judged him and if his actions have had a negative affect on his relationship with them, well I haven't seen any evidence of it.

What I do regret though, is not discussing the why with them. My oldest is now married and I wish she had a clearer understanding of the vulnerability of any marriage to infidelity. I see she and her H making tiny little mistakes like not spending enough time together and basically living independent lives and it really scares me.

We walk a fine line between encouraging distrust and providing insight based on personal experience, and I still haven't figured out what the boundaries are.

FWIW, if it were me and I were still angry, well I would make sure that you rehearse over and over again what you will say to the OWH. If you come across as vindictive, he may not believe you. Make sure that you are calm and collected and have your evidence at hand.

Good Luck,

Who

Ok, wow...
Cherishing, that was put beautifully. I, too, am amazed at your calm and your grace. Best of luck to you and yours.
As for you, J, if you come out of this with 1/2 the grace and poise Cherishing has, you'll be a winner.

It's wonderful to leave the Board with such wonderful compliments!

I apologize for the threadjack. I just got caught up in recalling my own struggle with whether or not to call the OWH, and I decided to make a last post.

Cherishing