Below is my plan B letter. Please give me any feedback that you may have on my letter.

In addition to giving her the plan B letter I plan on exposing the affair to her family. (Her mother, father, brothers and sisters.) I’m going to have the letter delivered to her with some flowers and email a copy of the letter to her family at approximately the same time so that she can’t put a spin on it. I’m not sure if there is anyone else who would have an influence on ending her affair that I could expose to. I don’t know if her current lover is married or what his name is. I don’t think it really matters does it? I know she’s seeing him… and when I expose… she’ll know that I know… If I knew who he was and if he was married I’d expose to his wife. I don't thinks she's going to AA meetings anymore either. Otherwise I'd expose there too.

Any guidance, mentoring and support would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance,
Amazin.

My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,
It breaks my heart to write this letter. I know about your affair. I’ve known since December 29th at 8:46 AM when I saw you exiting his apartment and holding his hand. He walked you around to the passenger side of our car, and opened the door for you. You embraced him, and then passionately kissed him. You drove to a gas station and got a cup of coffee together. From there you went to your apartment together.

I’ve known for a long time that you’ve been lying to me and deceiving me. I knew when you took my cell phone. I knew when you said that I stabbed you in the back by talking to your brother. I knew when you said that you couldn’t trust me. I knew when you asked me to help pack your things. I knew that he was in our house the day you moved out. I knew every time I made a car payment for you. I knew every time I made an insurance payment for you. I knew every time he spent the night at your apartment. I knew when I gave you the flowers, ring and poem on Valentines Day. I knew when you stopped seeing him. I knew it was your lover that put sugar in your gas tank. I knew when I let you borrow my car. Just about every single lie and deception … I knew about.

Your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply. Every time you tell me that I’ve cut your throat it hurts me immeasurably. How could you even speak such a thing knowing that you are the one cheating on me? The truth is you are the one holding the knife and I am the one bleeding.

I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry.

There are some mistakes that were made in this marriage that I will never take responsibility for. I didn’t kiss another woman on our honey moon. I didn’t continue seeing an ex lover after we were married. I didn’t tell another woman that I was in love with her. I didn’t have a drunken one night stand on our 5th wedding anniversary. And I didn’t have an extramarital sexual affair. These are mistakes that you own not me. I didn’t put a gun to your head and force you to do any of these things. You and you alone made these decisions. I have been a faithful and loyal husband and I have done my best to provide for you and the children.

I know about the new lover you are seeing now. It is because of this new man and your continued dishonesty, disrespect and betrayal of our marriage and our family that I am writing this letter.

Because of the pain your extramarital affairs are causing me I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you. This is not to punish you but to protect me from any continued torture. This is so that I can protect the little bit of love that I have left for you and keep it from turning into disgust, contempt and hate.

If step daughter wants to come over and visit she can ask my daughter and my daughter can ask me. Other than that there should be no reason for you to make any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is 555-xxx-xxxx.

I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining a passionate love for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage to each other and a blessed family. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I can not do that until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.

If you decide that you want to make a genuine effort at repairing our marriage I am willing to try under the following conditions.

1. You must reveal all information about your extramarital affairs.

2. You must make a promise to me to never see or talk to any of your affair partners again.

3. You must write a letter to your affair partners ending all relationships and stating that you will never see them again, and send it with my approval.

4. You must take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from all affair partners:

a. Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

b. Block potential communications with your lovers. (Change email address and telephone numbers, cell phone numbers; have all voice messages and mail monitored by me.)

c. Account for time: (We will give each other a 24 hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers.)

d. Account for money: (We will give each other a complete account of all money spent and make all financial decisions jointly)

e. Spend leisure time together.

5. You must make a genuine effort to repair our marriage and demonstrate that willingness by going to marriage counseling with me on a regular basis.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your infidelity and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are seeing other men. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end all of your affairs and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you when we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing other men.

Love & Peace to you
Amazin

it's a good letter,,,


I'd remove the following...


This is negative...plan b are letters of great love and hope...

If I read all the bad things I have done in one paragraph...I would feel too overhwhelmed...and take the easy road...
I've caused too much damage
you deserve better....

1. You must reveal all information about your extramarital affairs.

2. You must make a promise to me to never see or talk to any of your affair partners again.

3. You must write a letter to your affair partners ending all relationships and stating that you will never see them again, and send it with my approval.

4. You must take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from all affair partners:

a. Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

b. Block potential communications with your lovers. (Change email address and telephone numbers, cell phone numbers; have all voice messages and mail monitored by me.)

c. Account for time: (We will give each other a 24 hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers.)

d. Account for money: (We will give each other a complete account of all money spent and make all financial decisions jointly)

e. Spend leisure time together.

5. You must make a genuine effort to repair our marriage and demonstrate that willingness by going to marriage counseling with me on a regular basis.



some of these are too specific...

it will sound controling...

these not things she must do for you
these are things she must do to have healthy God filled blessed marriage....

they are actions of great love and respect....

change the way you say some...

I believe we can create together a marriage in which other men are never ever an issue...they will have no place in our marriage....

I can only be married to someone who values complete no contact with OP and someone who acts in all ways that this is true for them as well

we can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels..

financial honesty
honesty about where we are and who we are with...etc...etc

if you word it too much in a way that seems unobtainable then it will just overwhelm...

I agree with all the things you want...but you won't have what you really want until their is true intent in her actions...and not empty actions that meet your requirements on the surface like checking off a task list...

go broader in your expectations....

leave the line in about ending all extramarital affairs once and for all...that's a good one..

ark^^

Ok... Point taken.



Just so I understand what you're saying... You're saying that I can communicate the same thing but re-word it so that they are not so specific.


Everything except #5 was plagerized right out of SAA.




Can you be specific and give me some good examples?



Ok... Again I understand the concept of what you're saying I just cant verbalize it... can you help?


One last question... She really needs to work on being a good loving mother... (One of my childred has some resentment toward her and doesn't want her back) And I believe it should be a boundary of mine... I'm thinking it is a separate issue from the affair and should not be addressed in the plan B letter... do you concur?

1. You must reveal all information about your extramarital affairs.

For recovery we need to have a marriage based on honesty in which all is revealed


most plan B letters include the no contact aspects...

most include attendance of counseling....

especially in your case with the children....

so you could say both marital and family counseling...

I think to me your list says a lot of same things over

the part of potentially relocating or changing jobs is good...

some of the others say the same thing...
no contact
the block access...
I think just condense in to one simplified sentence...

ark

Amazin,

This is just my opinion...I do not think you should have all that stuff in a Plan B letter.

You should confront her about the affair, and THEN start a Plan A...yes, I said, Plan A. It shows her that you are willing to work on the marriage even after confronting her about the affair. It is just a better course of action.

In your Plan A you need to expose and watch that play out.

A few weeks of Plan A...all the while she knows that you know about the affair..is the better way to go in my opinion.

THEN...if that doesn't work you move on to Plan B.

I think it very important that you do a Plan A after the confrontation.

committed

Committed,

Have you read any of my story? I've known about the affair since December. In my original counseling with Jennifer, she suggested that I do plan A then expose at plan B. Jennifer said doing it this way can have a "wow" effect on the WS. It's the "you knew the whole time and still did the things you did?"

She's on her second man... I'm pretty much at the end of my rope...


What would you suggest then?

Amazin -

Your letter is too long. Remember WS's have the attention span of a bright 2 year old.

Also I would leave out a lot of the judgemental stuff.

And I would leave out the details about conditions for recovery and just say when she has no contact with other men you would be willing to discuss recovery.

Hi Believer...

Ok... I can shorten it up get rid of the list and the judgmental stuff... I'll wordsmith it some more and post again.


Thanks Ark... Believer...

Yeah...

What believer said.

I don't think that judgments and stuff should be in the letter.

Short and sweet....

She is going to read that letter and immediately shut down.

About my other post...

I was giving MY opinion. I surely wasn't meaning to step on Harley toes.

committed

WOW...

That would be disturbing to say the least.


committed

I'm still going to make some changes and re-post... I'm just busy...

But anyone else who want's to comment is more than welcome....

(this is just a fancy "bump")

Weird how during the week we're sometimes too busy to keep up with the message board, and then come the weekend... a lot of people aren't on anyway.

Hope you're doing well.... bumpin' cause you're busy and lost on page two!

Please forgive me for interrupting, but I just wanted to say something to CALI, and since I saw she posted in this thread, thought I'd post it here.

CALI,

I think you remember me. Anyway, do you think there is any way you can email me? I think I only have one of my former emails open. Otherwise, perhaps a mod could facilitate the process.

If not, I understand.

Thanks, for everything.

YIM

Anyway, do you think there is any way you can email me?

Sent an email to both addresses that I have for you.

committed

Ok.... Here's Plan B letter #2. Please critiqe it and give any feedback that you have.

My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,

It breaks my heart to write this letter. I know about your affair. I’ve known since December 29th at 8:46 AM when I saw you exiting his apartment and holding his hand. He walked you around to the passenger side of our car, and opened the door for you. You embraced him, and then passionately kissed him. You drove to a gas station and got a cup of coffee together. From there you went to your apartment together.

I’ve known for a long time that you’ve been lying to me and deceiving me. I knew when you took my cell phone. I knew when you said that I stabbed you in the back by talking to Darrell. I knew when you said that you couldn’t trust me. I knew when you asked me to help pack your things. I knew that he was in our house the day you moved out. I knew every time I made a car payment for you. I knew every time I made an insurance payment for you. I knew every time he spent the night at your apartment. I knew when I gave you the flowers, ring and poem on Valentines Day. I knew when you stopped seeing him. I knew it was your lover that put sugar in your gas tank. I knew when I let you borrow my car. Just about every single lie and deception … I know about.

Your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply. Every time you tell me that I’ve cut your throat it causes immeasurable pain to my heart. How could you even speak such a thing knowing that you are the one cheating on me? The truth is you are the one holding the knife and I am the one bleeding.

I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry.

I know about the new lover you are seeing now. It is because of this new man and your continued dishonesty, disrespect and betrayal of our marriage and our family that I am writing this letter.

Because of the pain your extramarital affairs are causing me I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you. This is not to punish you but to protect me from any continued torture. This is so that I can protect the little bit of love that I have left for you and keep it from turning into disgust, contempt and hate.

If SD wants to come over and visit she can ask my daughter and my daughter can ask me. Other than that there should be no reason for you to make any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining a passionate love for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage to each other and a blessed family. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I can not do that until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.

The road to marital recovery is a very narrow path that we must be willing and committed to follow. If we stray from that path in one direction or the other, our chances for recovery are minimal. Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They have no place in our marriage. I can only be married to someone who values this principle and eagerly ends all contact with their affair partners for life.

We can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels; financial honesty, emotional honesty,
honesty about where we are and who we are with. We can have a marriage in which we give each other our undivided attention and our emotional needs are met. We can have a great marriage if we avoid being the cause of each others unhappiness, by making a small lifestyle change and getting some marital guidance.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your infidelity. I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are seeing other men. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end all of your affairs, ensure total separation, and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested for marital recovery I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you when we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing other men.

Peace to you
Amazin

Amazin,
I'm not sure what should and shouldn't be in a Plan B letter. I never went to Plan B. I didn't even know about MB until months after we began recovery.

But, I would suggest mentioning some specific times in your past when your wife was happy.

My husband tried to tell me he had never really loved me, so I brought up how he had been in so in love with me on our wedding day that not only he cried but everyone there was in tears because they could see how in love he was with me.

I think that it is important to remind a WS of the times when they were really in love with you.

Also, you mentioned some of the mistakes you made and you say sorry, but I think it would be helpful for a WS to hear specific examples of what you are doing different or would do different given the chance.

You have to really keep in mind that when speaking to a WS their mind is not operating like normal. Keep things simple, like talking to a child, but at the same time do not talk down to her, it's a fine line.

You use a lot of MB jargin (sp?) like undivided attention and emotional needs. Is your wife familiar with MB? If not, then I would not use these terms. Instead of undivided attention, I would mention spending more time together as husband and wife doing things that you the two of you enjoy so that you can reconnect and reignite your love. Just try putting things into your own words instead of MB words, I think it will touch her more.

I understand what you are saying... and humbly disagree with some of your points.

I don't think I’m using MB jargon “undivided attention” is not exclusive to MB. It is part of the four rules to guide marital recovery, along with meeting emotional needs, honesty, and avoiding being the cause of your spouse’s unhappiness. It's a MB priciple, but not Jargon. I’m trying to keep my expectations short and simple without trying to educate her or make a demanding list of things she must do…. I’m just trying to state my boundaries in a loving way and give her hope that we can save the marriage.

Have you read the entire thread and the first letter I posted? You seem to be giving advice that is contrary to the advice I got from ARK…

I have read the whole thread and Ark said to remove the paragraph listing all of the bad things your wife has done and he said to remove the list of conditions that she must meet because it sounded to controlling, which you have done.

When I said to give specific examples, I meant of things you would change about you, not things you are requiring her to change about herself.

While I have read this thread, I do not know your whole story. which is why I had asked if your wife was faimiliar with MB. I realize that "undivided attention" is not exclusive to MB, but it is typical marital recovery jargon. I was trying to suggest that if you wife has not been involved with MB or reading about marital recovery these words may not have much meaning for her.

Sorry, my advice was not any help, I was just sharing things that seemed to have an impact on my husband when he was fence sitting, like reminding him of specific times when he was really in love with me, apologizing for what I did wrong, and explaining how I would change.

I'm not sure your intent with this letter. I thought the point of a plan B letter and Plan B was to get your spouse to stop fence sitting and commit to giving recovery a try. If that is your intent, you will have plenty of time during recovery to discuss what she did wrong and how she needs to change and the main goal at this point would be to get her to decide to have NC with the OM and to commit to working on things with you.

I hope some of the vets chime in here and help you.

Amazin, This is a great letter. You've owned up to your part and you've set the condition for breaking Plan B.

However, I would take out the paragraphs I quoted above because it sounds like you are trying to "teach" her all about recovery in this one letter. This is something that you learn about together once she commits to ending her affair and returning to the marriage.

She won't "hear" you about the recovery path while she's still actively involved. What you want is for her to "hear" that you still love her (in spite of her actions) and that there is a way home and to forgiveness. KWIM?

princess meggy,
You hit the nail on the head. I was trying to figure out why the MB jargon bothered me and you nailed it, it sounds like a mini-course on marital recovery.

You also nailed it when you said you want her to "hear" that you still love her. That is why I suggested Amazin write about some memories of when she was obviously in love with him. The plan B letter needs to cut through the wayward fog before Mrs. Amazin will even be able to "hear" anything said without putting a negative wayward spin on it.

I wonder if you should put, "MAY be willing to discuss our future together" instead.

Amazin,

A Plan B letter is supposed to be a love letter to your wife, potentially, the last one she will ever read...

As such it should enhance the efforts you have put in toward making your permanent changes during Plan A and tell her that you are still in love with her.

Beyond that, you must get across, in a simple sentence or two the way home, which must be understandable and doable by her should she ever wish to pursue reconciliation. It has to be both clear and precise, but also can't unattainable or she will never try to reconcile. The suggestions about counseling , both marital and family along with NC with any OM for life is about all she will remember, and anything beyond this will become a series of hoops she perceives she will have to jump through if she wants to come home. It will lead her to think that even if she might want to come home, she will never be able to live up to expectations.

Any attempts to educate her as to the knowledge you have gained in studying all of this stuff will simply turn her off before she reads much else.

Now keep in mind that I was compiling my own Plan B letter when I blew up at my wife and told her to either get with the program or pack and I might not be the best source of information about this, but I can tell you that telling her all the things step by step that will happen if she decides to come home won't matter to her and the fact that you will no longer be there to support her will pi$$ her off big time. So beyond that point, she won't be caring, listening or remembering what you say.

Mark

Ok before I respond I have to ask, what's KWIM?

Victoria, no need to apologies. I’m open to your suggestions. However, I feel kind of frustrated and here’s why. You’re telling to be more specific... Ark’s saying to be less specific... broader...

Here’s what Ark said


Princessmeggy

How can I state my boundaries if I remove all of these paragraphs? I can see removing bits and pieces from some but not the whole paragraph. For example, I can see re-writing the following paragraph in this manner.

Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They have no place in our marriage. I can only be married to someone who values this principle and eagerly ends all contact with their affair partner.

This next paragraph is similar but is important because it relays the pain caused by the affair. And it was almost word for word out of SAA... I used it because I wanted to say the same thing but didn’t quite know how to verbalize it.


I can see how the below paragraph might come across as me trying to educate her... But how do I change the letter to include marital counseling, and honesty with communication, time finance etc?



This next paragraph sums up what she must be willing to do in order to recover our marriage. Nothing in there is un-true... it is a fact... that is a part of what must happen in order for our marriage to be recovered... her part.... As a matter of fact it was very similar to what was in SAA...




I appreciate everyone’s feedback... I’m taking it all in... but I feel like I’m getting mixed signals... You know what I mean? Like when your mouth say’s one thing and your body language says another...

That is precisely what KWIM stands for.

Amazin, When Ark said be less specific and I said be more specific we were talking about two different subject matters.

When I said to give specific examples, I meant of things you would change about you, not things you are requiring her to change about herself.

When Ark said be less specific he was talking about the conditions you are listing as requirements that your wife has to meet.

LOL... Gotcha...KWIM

Hi Amazin,

I am sorry that you find yourself faced with the challenges of dealing with affairs. Not an easy ride, for sure!


Well...given my experience in dealing with a WS... I would agree with what Mark says... and with B... when she suggests keeping it as short as possible.

The imagine that works for me the best is to keep in mind that a WS'S judgment is impaired...like it would taking alcohol and drugs...

It's important to communicate to her that you still love her and open to working on recovery of M should she choose to, and have it IN WRITING for future reference when the fog diminishes somewhat, what the path back to M recovery is: NC with OP...and because the situation is too painful for you, in the meantime, there will be NC with you (provide intermediary and emergency info).... the details can be worked out later if and when she chooses NC with OP and committment to M recovery.

So...I would say 2-3 paragraphs at the most.

Sorry if you may be getting somewhat different takes on what the content of your plan B letter should have... for me, bottom line, the objective is: whatever it takes to not overwhelm WS so that she can get through the letter and register the essential.

I understand what all of you are saying... and I think that some of it (Not all) seems to contradict with what is in SAA. That's what is frustrating.

For example:


The fictional plan B letter that's in SAA is 7 paragraphs...

I think that when it comes to a plan B letter one size does not fit all... One person may only need 2-3 paragraphs when another may need 10-12.

I cut everything out that Princessmeggy suggested, whittled it down to only one page and this is what I was left with...



My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,

It breaks my heart to write this letter. I know about your affair with Mr. Alcoholic. I’ve known for a long time that you’ve been lying to me and deceiving me.

Your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply. Every time you tell me that I’ve cut your throat it causes immeasurable pain to my heart. How could you even speak such a thing knowing that you are the one cheating on me? The truth is you are the one holding the knife and I am the one bleeding.

I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry.

I know about the new lover you are seeing now. It is because of this new man, your continued dishonesty, disrespect and betrayal of our marriage and our family that I am writing this letter.

Because of the pain your extramarital affairs are causing me I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you. This is not to punish you but to protect me from any continued torture. This is so that I can protect the love that I have for you and keep it from turning into hate.

I will always regard SD and SS as family. If SD wants to come over and visit she can call me directly or ask one of my kids and they can ask me. There should be no reason for you to make any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining the passionate love we once had for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage and a blessed family.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I can not do that until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you when we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing other men.


Peace to you
Amazin


There's nothing in this about counseling. I think there should be. Nothing that specifically says no contact...

There's nothing that specifically spells out the way for her to come home...

I.E.

As soon as you permanently end all of your affairs, ensure total separation and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested for marital recovery I will be willing to discuss our future together.

Sincerly,
Amazingly Frustrated...

Amazin, I know you are frustrated and writing this letter has to be painful for you. So I want you to know that I am only offering my suggestions because I truely want to help you.

Okay I just pulled out my copy of SAA and read the Plan B letter in it and it just has a different tone to it than your letter. The letter in SAA does not blame the WS or point out the WS's wrong doings. So here are somethings I think you might want to reconsider.

"Your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply. Every time you tell me that I’ve cut your throat it causes immeasurable pain to my heart. How could you even speak such a thing knowing that you are the one cheating on me? The truth is you are the one holding the knife and I am the one bleeding."

The Plan B letter in SAA does not mention betrayal, it uses words less offending like "relationship with OM" or "affair with OM".

Also, while it does discuss how the BS is hurting it also validates that the WS is hurting. Your comment is basically saying that you hurt, but that her hurt is not valid, because yours is so much greater.


"For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry."

Based on the Plan B letter in SAA, I would suggest changing this to "Because of my mistakes we are both suffering now and I am truely sorry"

"I know about the new lover you are seeing now. It is because of this new man, your continued dishonesty, disrespect and betrayal of our marriage and our family that I am writing this letter."

Writing about her dishonestly, disrespect, and betrayal will not pull at your wife's heart strings. It is putting her down and in the Plan B letter in SAA I do not see anything that is putting down the WS.

"Peace to you" Does this have some special significance for you and your wife? If not, then writing "With my love" like in SAA sounds much more sincere. If I were to receive a Plan B letter signed Peace to you, I think I might read it as being sarcastic.

IMO, if your goal with the Plan B letter and Plan B is to have your wife stop her affairs and recommit to you, then your letter needs to have a less blaming tone and a more loving tone to it.

Sincerely, Victoria

Thank you Victoria,

That helps me understand a little better. I'll try and re-write it again.

I haven't forgotten... and I'm not procrasinating... I'm just busy...

Amazin,
I just read a little bit of your other thread and it sounds like your wife is a mess. From the little bit I read it sounds like she calls you frequently and does not want to end your relationship completely. Personally I think Plan B is really risky, but it sounds like it might be just what is needed in your situation. I also read that Jennifer told you it was the right decision and she is supposed to be the expert so that is a good thing.

I'm surprised that you haven't gotten more people posting to you on this thread and offering suggestions with your Plan B letter. Since Jennifer is the one that recommended Plan B, I would think it would be good for you to have her input on your letter before sending it to your wife. It is so crucial that the letter make the right impact on your wife.

I don't know if I would say "Jennifer recommended plan B" but she did say that if I wanted her to help me write my plan B letter I'd have to schedule another consultation with her. She didn't seem to discourage me from plan B...

Okay, so I'm new to your story and haven't read your thread, but I see way too much anger in your letter. It makes me wonder how well you understand Plan B and the way it's supposed to work. If D-Day was only in December, you might not be clear on everything yet.

If you want more clarification from me, let me know.

Okay, I read a bit more and think that what makes this weird for me is trying to include exposure with the Plan B letter. I don't know how to help you do that, or even that it's a good idea.

My inclination would be to separate the two. The Plan B letter should be something that you can refer the WS back to and hope that they read more than once. I can't see a WS being willing to read the first couple of paragraphs of your letter.

If you want to keep the Plan B and exposure concepts together, I suggest that you schedule with Jennifer to get her advice on the letter. Begin by emailing her what you have already put together.

Hope this helps.

Ok... One more time with the plan B letter. I exposed this weekend. so exposure will not be included in the plan B letter. I tried to make it as close to a love letter and still include my boundaries.

Here's what I have.... Please Critique.



My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,
I long for the passionate love that we once shared. But your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply and your extramarital affairs have caused immeasurable pain to my heart. It is because of this suffering that I am writing you this letter.

Because of the pain that your extramarital affairs are causing me I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you. This is not to punish you but to protect me from any continued torture. I am doing this so that I can protect the love that I have left for you and keep it from turning into hate.

I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry. However, I have never done anything to deserve the suffering that you are putting me through.

On our wedding day I made a promise in front of God and our family to faithfully love and cherish you, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and in good times or bad. I have kept that promise in the past and I plan to continue keeping that promise in the future.

I will always regard step daughter and step son as family. If step daughter wants to come over and visit she can call me directly or ask one of my kids and they can ask me. There should be no reason for you to have any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is xxx-xxx-xxxx

I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining the passionate love we once had for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage and a blessed family. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.

I want you to know that there is a way home. There is a pathway to a new marriage. This path would require changes in both of us. If we stray from the path in one direction or the other, our chances for a new marriage are minimal. Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They would have no place in our marriage.

We can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels; financial honesty, emotional honesty, honesty about where we are and who we are with. We can have a marriage in which we give each other our undivided attention and our emotional needs are met. We can have a great marriage if we avoid being the cause of each others unhappiness, by making a small lifestyle change and getting some marital guidance. I can only be married to someone who values these principles and who would eagerly embrace this lifestyle.

I hope that someday we may have a new marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you the day we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing other men.


Love,
Amazin

" I long for the passionate love that we once shared."

I think you need to say this in more than ONE SENTENCE. Catch her attention in the first paragragh, expressing your LOVE for HER.

Just to make sure I understand what you're saying...

The first paragraph should be about expressing my love for her. Not just the first sentence.

EXACTLY!!!

Gotcha,

Thanks Mimi

I think it's great! Good for you, Amazin!

Thank you Lala for your encouragement.

I'm tired of the drama and I want some peace.

I usually stay out of the Plan B letter editing threads, so take my advice with a grain of salt. On the whole, I think it looks pretty good.


I would avoid using the word 'torture.' Sure, it's true, but the point of this letter is not to heap lots of guilt on the WS.


I don't think you need to tell the WS this.


I would take this sentence out for the same reason as avoiding the word torture.

I think it's good that you separated exposure from the PBL. I hope the exposure went well.

OK... One more time... I tried to really re-write this as a love letter this time.


My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,


I remember our courtship and how we met. I remember talking on the phone for hours until you fell asleep. I remember our first date at the square in Ft. Worth and our first kiss. I remember Thanksgiving at your mother’s house. I remember all the paper hearts in our bedroom, in our house and on our cars. I remember how I proposed to you at the Italian Inn. I remember how I proposed to you again for the kids because they were chanting “Ask, Ask, Ask!” I remember our beautiful wedding and our honeymoon in Cancun. I remember a time when you were passionately in love with me and my heart longs for those days to come again.


On our wedding day I made a promise to you in front of God and our family to faithfully love and cherish you, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and in good times or bad. I have kept that promise in the past and I plan on keeping that promise in the future.


I am writing this letter because I want to protect the love that I have for you and keep it from turning into hate. Your extramarital affairs have hurt me deeply and I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you from now on.


I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry.


I will always regard Step Daughter and Stepson as family. If Step Daughter wants to come over and visit she can call me directly or ask one of my kids and they can ask me. There should be no reason for you to have any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.


I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining the passionate love we once had for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage and a blessed family. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I can not do that until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.


I want you to know that there is a way home. There is a pathway to a new marriage. This path would require changes in both of us. If we stray from the path in one direction or the other, our chances for a new marriage are minimal. Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They would have no place in our marriage. We can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels; financial honesty, emotional honesty, honesty about where we are and who we are with. We can have a marriage in which we give each other our undivided attention and our emotional needs are met. We can have a great marriage if we avoid being the cause of each others unhappiness, by making a small lifestyle change and getting some marital guidance. I can only be married to someone who values these principles and who would eagerly embrace this lifestyle.


I hope that someday we may have a new marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you the day we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot see you, talk to you, or help you as long as you are seeing other men.



Love,


Amazin

Any comments??

Anyone?

Can i use some of it for my plan B letter?

Amazin,
I think you did a great job with this revision. I'm guessing that since you exposed and were able to take that element out of the letter that it was easier for you to write.

I love the paragraph where you recall the good memories of your marriage. I think this is important for a wayard to hear because they tend to rewrite the history of your marriage and turn it into all bad.

I wish you the best!

BTW this is Victoria38, I changed my screen name because I wanted one that was more descriptive.

Amazin,

I think you have it...

Might want to wait for input from a Plan B expert or run it by your MB coach (I forget if you've been working with Jennifer or Steve and could look, but I'm lazy, yanno...)

Praying for you, Bro!

Mark

Yep. I think the opening paragraph is great.

At the risk of nitpicking, the final paragraphs sound a little redundant. It seems like you could tighten the final three into two or maybe even one paragraph, but they're your words, and I think that they are good ones.

I agree with SD on the redundancy, especially pointing out the extramarital affairs TWICE. I would combine the third to last and last paragraphs in some way.

Thanks Mark... I appreciate your patience with me.


I need it! I pray that God gives me strength, self control and wisdom.

Feel free to plagiarize all you want... This is what supporting and helping each other is all about...

OK... I'll see if I can wordsmith the last three paragraphs....


Thanks for all the help everyone.

Ok... One more time... I just took out one sentence, re-wrote another and re-aranged the paragraphs.


My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,


I remember our courtship and how we met. I remember talking on the phone for hours until you fell asleep. I remember our first date at the square in Ft. Worth and our first kiss. I remember Thanksgiving at your mother’s house. I remember all the paper hearts in our bedroom, in our house and on our cars. I remember how I proposed to you at the Italian Inn. I remember how I proposed to you again for the kids because they were chanting “Ask, Ask, Ask!” I remember our beautiful wedding and our honeymoon in Cancun. I remember a time when you were passionately in love with me and my heart longs for those days to come again.


On our wedding day I made a promise to you in front of God and our family to faithfully love and cherish you, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and in good times or bad. I have kept that promise in the past and I plan on keeping that promise in the future.


I am writing this letter because I want to protect the love that I have for you and keep it from turning into hate. Your extramarital affairs have hurt me deeply and I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you from now on.


I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry.


I will always regard Step Daughter and Stepson as family. If Step Daughter wants to come over and visit she can call me directly or ask one of my kids and they can ask me. There should be no reason for you to have any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.


I want you to know that there is a way home. There is a pathway to a new marriage. This path would require changes in both of us. If we stray from the path in one direction or the other, our chances for a new marriage are minimal. Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They would have no place in our marriage. We can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels; financial honesty, emotional honesty, honesty about where we are and who we are with. We can have a marriage in which we give each other our undivided attention and our emotional needs are met. We can have a great marriage if we avoid being the cause of each others unhappiness, by making a small lifestyle change and getting some marital guidance. I can only be married to someone who values these principles and who would eagerly embrace this lifestyle.


I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining the passionate love we once had for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage and a blessed family. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs.


I hope that someday we may have a new marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you the day we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot see you, talk to you, or help you until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.



Love,


Amazin

That's it.

Definitely very Jenniferish.

Hey Amazin......

Did ya miss me???? Looks like you were busy while I was out.....hmmmm....good for you. The letter looks "amazin".....and ya know...with all the growing that you have done, she will definately be the one missing out.....

Hang in there....

not2fun

So, when are you going to send it? How are YOU holding up? What are your plans for Plan B...do you have everything worked out for no contact with her? Did you go take posession of that car YOU have the title to yet?

Whew...I'm out of breath! lol!

Seriously, you know I think you are doing the right thing. But, I want you to really DO IT and make a statement. Acting differently in the face of this than all of her other men in her past may really make a difference.

Just let go of the things you cannot control. Take care of yourself....

PS--the letter is great!

Thanks Chai, SDG... You guys have been great!

Of course I missed you! Thanks for the encouragement Not2.

I was thinking right before Memorial Day weekend. Our anniversary is on Memorial Day this year. But I think it depends on how much longer I can stay in plan A.


I think I have everything worked out. My brother is my intermediary. I’ll block her phone calls to the house and my cell phone. She does still have my work number and can call me that way... I guess I’ll just have to hang up on her when she calls. I’ll make sure her email is blocked too... I’m emotionally ready for plan B. I’m ready to give this up to God and let his will be done.


Her and I had an interesting talk about that yesterday... I'll tell ya'll about it on my other thread later...

I don’t have the title yet... I originally told her that I would sign the title over to her. I paid it off on the 1st and my bank is sending the title via FedEx. I’ve been wrestling with whether or not I should re-possess the car. Her dad told me to let the tags expire and don’t re-new them... then he said I should take the car back. I know this will really piss her off... But on the other hand once she has the car and the title ... what’s to say she won’t sell that one and demand that I provide another in a divorce hearing...


That’s what I’m looking forward to in plan B....

Thanks for all your support Lala.

MOST EXCELLENT!! ((((((((Amazin))))))))

You are ready then...but why wait? Drawing it out only prolongs your pain.

But, just in case you were wondering...GO GET THAT CAR WHEN YOU GET THE TITLE!!!! Do it, Amazin! When you do, hand her the PBL! If the court orders you to give it back, so be it- but at that point, you can drop the insurance and sign over the title. Wouldn't it be awful, after all you have been through already, to have that [censored] wreck your car, hurt someone else and YOU be held responsible because YOU are the one on the insurance. Please protect yourself. People are evil, Amazin--don't put it past this POS to do something like that. Obviously, he isn't a person of good character, and unfortunately, neither is your WW right now.

I don't want to see you hurt any more...she has no intention of changing. The only way she will is if you give her a reason to WANT to change. Which really isn't the point, anyways. The POINT is to protect you from her abuse so that you don't completely fall out of love with her. The POINT is to take some time and heal yourself and clear your own fog so that you can think with a clear head...