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Below is my plan B letter. Please give me any feedback that you may have on my letter.

In addition to giving her the plan B letter I plan on exposing the affair to her family. (Her mother, father, brothers and sisters.) I’m going to have the letter delivered to her with some flowers and email a copy of the letter to her family at approximately the same time so that she can’t put a spin on it. I’m not sure if there is anyone else who would have an influence on ending her affair that I could expose to. I don’t know if her current lover is married or what his name is. I don’t think it really matters does it? I know she’s seeing him… and when I expose… she’ll know that I know… If I knew who he was and if he was married I’d expose to his wife. I don't thinks she's going to AA meetings anymore either. Otherwise I'd expose there too.

Any guidance, mentoring and support would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks in advance,
Amazin.

My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,
It breaks my heart to write this letter. I know about your affair. I’ve known since December 29th at 8:46 AM when I saw you exiting his apartment and holding his hand. He walked you around to the passenger side of our car, and opened the door for you. You embraced him, and then passionately kissed him. You drove to a gas station and got a cup of coffee together. From there you went to your apartment together.

I’ve known for a long time that you’ve been lying to me and deceiving me. I knew when you took my cell phone. I knew when you said that I stabbed you in the back by talking to your brother. I knew when you said that you couldn’t trust me. I knew when you asked me to help pack your things. I knew that he was in our house the day you moved out. I knew every time I made a car payment for you. I knew every time I made an insurance payment for you. I knew every time he spent the night at your apartment. I knew when I gave you the flowers, ring and poem on Valentines Day. I knew when you stopped seeing him. I knew it was your lover that put sugar in your gas tank. I knew when I let you borrow my car. Just about every single lie and deception … I knew about.

Your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply. Every time you tell me that I’ve cut your throat it hurts me immeasurably. How could you even speak such a thing knowing that you are the one cheating on me? The truth is you are the one holding the knife and I am the one bleeding.

I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry.

There are some mistakes that were made in this marriage that I will never take responsibility for. I didn’t kiss another woman on our honey moon. I didn’t continue seeing an ex lover after we were married. I didn’t tell another woman that I was in love with her. I didn’t have a drunken one night stand on our 5th wedding anniversary. And I didn’t have an extramarital sexual affair. These are mistakes that you own not me. I didn’t put a gun to your head and force you to do any of these things. You and you alone made these decisions. I have been a faithful and loyal husband and I have done my best to provide for you and the children.

I know about the new lover you are seeing now. It is because of this new man and your continued dishonesty, disrespect and betrayal of our marriage and our family that I am writing this letter.

Because of the pain your extramarital affairs are causing me I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you. This is not to punish you but to protect me from any continued torture. This is so that I can protect the little bit of love that I have left for you and keep it from turning into disgust, contempt and hate.

If step daughter wants to come over and visit she can ask my daughter and my daughter can ask me. Other than that there should be no reason for you to make any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is 555-xxx-xxxx.

I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining a passionate love for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage to each other and a blessed family. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I can not do that until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.

If you decide that you want to make a genuine effort at repairing our marriage I am willing to try under the following conditions.

1. You must reveal all information about your extramarital affairs.

2. You must make a promise to me to never see or talk to any of your affair partners again.

3. You must write a letter to your affair partners ending all relationships and stating that you will never see them again, and send it with my approval.

4. You must take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from all affair partners:

a. Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

b. Block potential communications with your lovers. (Change email address and telephone numbers, cell phone numbers; have all voice messages and mail monitored by me.)

c. Account for time: (We will give each other a 24 hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers.)

d. Account for money: (We will give each other a complete account of all money spent and make all financial decisions jointly)

e. Spend leisure time together.

5. You must make a genuine effort to repair our marriage and demonstrate that willingness by going to marriage counseling with me on a regular basis.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your infidelity and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are seeing other men. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end all of your affairs and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you when we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing other men.

Love & Peace to you
Amazin



BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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it's a good letter,,,


I'd remove the following...

Quote
There are some mistakes that were made in this marriage that I will never take responsibility for. I didn’t kiss another woman on our honey moon. I didn’t continue seeing an ex lover after we were married. I didn’t tell another woman that I was in love with her. I didn’t have a drunken one night stand on our 5th wedding anniversary. And I didn’t have an extramarital sexual affair. These are mistakes that you own not me. I didn’t put a gun to your head and force you to do any of these things. You and you alone made these decisions.

This is negative...plan b are letters of great love and hope...

If I read all the bad things I have done in one paragraph...I would feel too overhwhelmed...and take the easy road...
I've caused too much damage
you deserve better....

1. You must reveal all information about your extramarital affairs.

2. You must make a promise to me to never see or talk to any of your affair partners again.

3. You must write a letter to your affair partners ending all relationships and stating that you will never see them again, and send it with my approval.

4. You must take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from all affair partners:

a. Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

b. Block potential communications with your lovers. (Change email address and telephone numbers, cell phone numbers; have all voice messages and mail monitored by me.)

c. Account for time: (We will give each other a 24 hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers.)

d. Account for money: (We will give each other a complete account of all money spent and make all financial decisions jointly)

e. Spend leisure time together.

5. You must make a genuine effort to repair our marriage and demonstrate that willingness by going to marriage counseling with me on a regular basis.



some of these are too specific...

it will sound controling...

these not things she must do for you
these are things she must do to have healthy God filled blessed marriage....

they are actions of great love and respect....

change the way you say some...

I believe we can create together a marriage in which other men are never ever an issue...they will have no place in our marriage....

I can only be married to someone who values complete no contact with OP and someone who acts in all ways that this is true for them as well

we can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels..

financial honesty
honesty about where we are and who we are with...etc...etc

if you word it too much in a way that seems unobtainable then it will just overwhelm...

I agree with all the things you want...but you won't have what you really want until their is true intent in her actions...and not empty actions that meet your requirements on the surface like checking off a task list...

go broader in your expectations....

leave the line in about ending all extramarital affairs once and for all...that's a good one..

ark^^

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Amazin Offline OP
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This is negative...plan b are letters of great love and hope...

If I read all the bad things I have done in one paragraph...I would feel too overhwhelmed...and take the easy road...
I've caused too much damage
you deserve better....

Ok... Point taken.

Quote
some of these are too specific...

it will sound controling...

these not things she must do for you
these are things she must do to have healthy God filled blessed marriage....

they are actions of great love and respect....

change the way you say some...


Just so I understand what you're saying... You're saying that I can communicate the same thing but re-word it so that they are not so specific.


Everything except #5 was plagerized right out of SAA.


Quote
change the way you say some...


Can you be specific and give me some good examples?


Quote
I agree with all the things you want...but you won't have what you really want until their is true intent in her actions...and not empty actions that meet your requirements on the surface like checking off a task list...

go broader in your expectations....

Ok... Again I understand the concept of what you're saying I just cant verbalize it... can you help?


One last question... She really needs to work on being a good loving mother... (One of my childred has some resentment toward her and doesn't want her back) And I believe it should be a boundary of mine... I'm thinking it is a separate issue from the affair and should not be addressed in the plan B letter... do you concur?


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Sep 2001
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1. You must reveal all information about your extramarital affairs.

For recovery we need to have a marriage based on honesty in which all is revealed


most plan B letters include the no contact aspects...

most include attendance of counseling....

especially in your case with the children....

so you could say both marital and family counseling...

I think to me your list says a lot of same things over

the part of potentially relocating or changing jobs is good...

some of the others say the same thing...
no contact
the block access...
I think just condense in to one simplified sentence...

ark


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Amazin,

This is just my opinion...I do not think you should have all that stuff in a Plan B letter.

You should confront her about the affair, and THEN start a Plan A...yes, I said, Plan A. It shows her that you are willing to work on the marriage even after confronting her about the affair. It is just a better course of action.

In your Plan A you need to expose and watch that play out.

A few weeks of Plan A...all the while she knows that you know about the affair..is the better way to go in my opinion.

THEN...if that doesn't work you move on to Plan B.

I think it very important that you do a Plan A after the confrontation.

committed

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Committed,

Have you read any of my story? I've known about the affair since December. In my original counseling with Jennifer, she suggested that I do plan A then expose at plan B. Jennifer said doing it this way can have a "wow" effect on the WS. It's the "you knew the whole time and still did the things you did?"

She's on her second man... I'm pretty much at the end of my rope...

Quote
This is just my opinion...I do not think you should have all that stuff in a Plan B letter.

What would you suggest then?


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Sep 2003
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Amazin -

Your letter is too long. Remember WS's have the attention span of a bright 2 year old.

Also I would leave out a lot of the judgemental stuff.

And I would leave out the details about conditions for recovery and just say when she has no contact with other men you would be willing to discuss recovery.

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Hi Believer...

Ok... I can shorten it up get rid of the list and the judgmental stuff... I'll wordsmith it some more and post again.


Thanks Ark... Believer...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Yeah...

What believer said.

I don't think that judgments and stuff should be in the letter.

Short and sweet....

She is going to read that letter and immediately shut down.

About my other post...

I was giving MY opinion. I surely wasn't meaning to step on Harley toes. blush

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She's on her second man... I'm pretty much at the end of my rope...

WOW...

That would be disturbing to say the least.


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I'm still going to make some changes and re-post... I'm just busy...

But anyone else who want's to comment is more than welcome....

(this is just a fancy "bump") smile


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Dec 2007
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Weird how during the week we're sometimes too busy to keep up with the message board, and then come the weekend... a lot of people aren't on anyway.

Hope you're doing well.... bumpin' cause you're busy and lost on page two!



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Please forgive me for interrupting, but I just wanted to say something to CALI, and since I saw she posted in this thread, thought I'd post it here.

CALI,

I think you remember me. Anyway, do you think there is any way you can email me? I think I only have one of my former emails open. Otherwise, perhaps a mod could facilitate the process.

If not, I understand.

Thanks, for everything.

YIM

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Anyway, do you think there is any way you can email me?

Sent an email to both addresses that I have for you.

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Ok.... Here's Plan B letter #2. Please critiqe it and give any feedback that you have.

My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,

It breaks my heart to write this letter. I know about your affair. I’ve known since December 29th at 8:46 AM when I saw you exiting his apartment and holding his hand. He walked you around to the passenger side of our car, and opened the door for you. You embraced him, and then passionately kissed him. You drove to a gas station and got a cup of coffee together. From there you went to your apartment together.

I’ve known for a long time that you’ve been lying to me and deceiving me. I knew when you took my cell phone. I knew when you said that I stabbed you in the back by talking to Darrell. I knew when you said that you couldn’t trust me. I knew when you asked me to help pack your things. I knew that he was in our house the day you moved out. I knew every time I made a car payment for you. I knew every time I made an insurance payment for you. I knew every time he spent the night at your apartment. I knew when I gave you the flowers, ring and poem on Valentines Day. I knew when you stopped seeing him. I knew it was your lover that put sugar in your gas tank. I knew when I let you borrow my car. Just about every single lie and deception … I know about.

Your betrayal of our marriage and our family has hurt me deeply. Every time you tell me that I’ve cut your throat it causes immeasurable pain to my heart. How could you even speak such a thing knowing that you are the one cheating on me? The truth is you are the one holding the knife and I am the one bleeding.

I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry.

I know about the new lover you are seeing now. It is because of this new man and your continued dishonesty, disrespect and betrayal of our marriage and our family that I am writing this letter.

Because of the pain your extramarital affairs are causing me I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you. This is not to punish you but to protect me from any continued torture. This is so that I can protect the little bit of love that I have left for you and keep it from turning into disgust, contempt and hate.

If SD wants to come over and visit she can ask my daughter and my daughter can ask me. Other than that there should be no reason for you to make any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.

I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining a passionate love for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage to each other and a blessed family. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I can not do that until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.

The road to marital recovery is a very narrow path that we must be willing and committed to follow. If we stray from that path in one direction or the other, our chances for recovery are minimal. Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They have no place in our marriage. I can only be married to someone who values this principle and eagerly ends all contact with their affair partners for life.

We can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels; financial honesty, emotional honesty,
honesty about where we are and who we are with. We can have a marriage in which we give each other our undivided attention and our emotional needs are met. We can have a great marriage if we avoid being the cause of each others unhappiness, by making a small lifestyle change and getting some marital guidance.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your infidelity. I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are seeing other men. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end all of your affairs, ensure total separation, and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested for marital recovery I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you when we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing other men.

Peace to you
Amazin




BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
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Amazin,
I'm not sure what should and shouldn't be in a Plan B letter. I never went to Plan B. I didn't even know about MB until months after we began recovery.

But, I would suggest mentioning some specific times in your past when your wife was happy.

My husband tried to tell me he had never really loved me, so I brought up how he had been in so in love with me on our wedding day that not only he cried but everyone there was in tears because they could see how in love he was with me.

I think that it is important to remind a WS of the times when they were really in love with you.

Also, you mentioned some of the mistakes you made and you say sorry, but I think it would be helpful for a WS to hear specific examples of what you are doing different or would do different given the chance.

You have to really keep in mind that when speaking to a WS their mind is not operating like normal. Keep things simple, like talking to a child, but at the same time do not talk down to her, it's a fine line.

You use a lot of MB jargin (sp?) like undivided attention and emotional needs. Is your wife familiar with MB? If not, then I would not use these terms. Instead of undivided attention, I would mention spending more time together as husband and wife doing things that you the two of you enjoy so that you can reconnect and reignite your love. Just try putting things into your own words instead of MB words, I think it will touch her more.



BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Quote
You use a lot of MB jargin (sp?) like undivided attention and emotional needs. Is your wife familiar with MB? If not, then I would not use these terms. Instead of undivided attention, I would mention spending more time together as husband and wife doing things that you the two of you enjoy so that you can reconnect and reignite your love. Just try putting things into your own words instead of MB words, I think it will touch her more.

I understand what you are saying... and humbly disagree with some of your points.

I don't think I’m using MB jargon “undivided attention” is not exclusive to MB. It is part of the four rules to guide marital recovery, along with meeting emotional needs, honesty, and avoiding being the cause of your spouse’s unhappiness. It's a MB priciple, but not Jargon. I’m trying to keep my expectations short and simple without trying to educate her or make a demanding list of things she must do…. I’m just trying to state my boundaries in a loving way and give her hope that we can save the marriage.

Have you read the entire thread and the first letter I posted? You seem to be giving advice that is contrary to the advice I got from ARK…


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Feb 2008
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I have read the whole thread and Ark said to remove the paragraph listing all of the bad things your wife has done and he said to remove the list of conditions that she must meet because it sounded to controlling, which you have done.

When I said to give specific examples, I meant of things you would change about you, not things you are requiring her to change about herself.

While I have read this thread, I do not know your whole story. which is why I had asked if your wife was faimiliar with MB. I realize that "undivided attention" is not exclusive to MB, but it is typical marital recovery jargon. I was trying to suggest that if you wife has not been involved with MB or reading about marital recovery these words may not have much meaning for her.

Sorry, my advice was not any help, I was just sharing things that seemed to have an impact on my husband when he was fence sitting, like reminding him of specific times when he was really in love with me, apologizing for what I did wrong, and explaining how I would change.

I'm not sure your intent with this letter. I thought the point of a plan B letter and Plan B was to get your spouse to stop fence sitting and commit to giving recovery a try. If that is your intent, you will have plenty of time during recovery to discuss what she did wrong and how she needs to change and the main goal at this point would be to get her to decide to have NC with the OM and to commit to working on things with you.

I hope some of the vets chime in here and help you.


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Originally Posted by Amazin
The road to marital recovery is a very narrow path that we must be willing and committed to follow. If we stray from that path in one direction or the other, our chances for recovery are minimal. Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They have no place in our marriage. I can only be married to someone who values this principle and eagerly ends all contact with their affair partners for life.

We can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels; financial honesty, emotional honesty,
honesty about where we are and who we are with. We can have a marriage in which we give each other our undivided attention and our emotional needs are met. We can have a great marriage if we avoid being the cause of each others unhappiness, by making a small lifestyle change and getting some marital guidance.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your infidelity. I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are seeing other men. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end all of your affairs, ensure total separation, and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested for marital recovery I will be willing to discuss our future together.

Amazin, This is a great letter. You've owned up to your part and you've set the condition for breaking Plan B.

However, I would take out the paragraphs I quoted above because it sounds like you are trying to "teach" her all about recovery in this one letter. This is something that you learn about together once she commits to ending her affair and returning to the marriage.

She won't "hear" you about the recovery path while she's still actively involved. What you want is for her to "hear" that you still love her (in spite of her actions) and that there is a way home and to forgiveness. KWIM?


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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princess meggy,
You hit the nail on the head. I was trying to figure out why the MB jargon bothered me and you nailed it, it sounds like a mini-course on marital recovery.

You also nailed it when you said you want her to "hear" that you still love her. That is why I suggested Amazin write about some memories of when she was obviously in love with him. The plan B letter needs to cut through the wayward fog before Mrs. Amazin will even be able to "hear" anything said without putting a negative wayward spin on it.



BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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