Husband won't talk/listen about issues/incidents - 04/10/08 07:01 PM
I'm going to ask for some advice on an issue related to a thread I posted some time ago... The link is here:
Boundary Thread
I've been doing a lot better about my reactions to disagreements or conflicts. The issue I'm having now is my DH not wanting to discuss these things or listen to what I have to say about it.
Usually the issue is related to something he did or said that to me was rude, inappropriate, disrespectful, mean, etc.
My DH seems to have the type of personality subject to mood swings. Some days he is wonderful, thoughtful, considerate, etc. and then out of the blue, he can behave rudely and make snide, insulting comments (again of course, that's how I see them).
I'm getting better at rooting out which incidents are worth making a big deal over and which are not. For example, a couple of nights ago we were at our dd's soccer game and I was sitting with him on one side and another mom on the other. I was having a lot of fun talking to this mom and ooohing and ahhing over her new baby. My DH kept interrupting my conversation with her to tell me something. He would look at me and make comments as if he was irritated that I was not paying 100% attention to him. I tried to ask him about it but he would say "no, nothing's wrong" but in a tone of voice that clearly indicated annoyance. Normally, he is very outgoing himself and encourages me to have my own friends, so it is confusing.
The old me would have had to drag that one out and ask him why he behaved that way and couldn't he see that it was rude and that I was embarassed by it.
But I let it go.
The thing is about these types of things, once he is in that mood it is not a one time occurrence, he tends to be in a cycle for a while.
There were some other similar incidents since then, but minor, so I dismissed them. He has done the "wave off" and told me to take a pill a few times.
Last night another incident occurred. I was making lunches for the kids and him for today and he was watching me and following me around the kitchen making comments about things I should do etc...He has a tendency to oversee what I am doing and it frankly gets on my nerves. He will ask me why am I cooking something this way, why don't I do it that way, I should put this in there, etc.
I feel bossed around. So after a couple of comments in the kitchen I asked him if I could have some space. He was annoyed and said he can be anywhere he wants in the house *he* pays for.
Well now, I ain't feelin' so loving towards him. I wanted to explain how I was feeling...that I understood how he felt but that I just need a little space now and then, like he does when he goes into his office and doesn't want to be disturbed and that I was sorry I hurt his feelings, but he walks away. Refuses to listen or talk. More comments fly around this morning about it, how I won't let it go.
I think a lot...lot...lot of his behaviors relate to FOO issues. I could accept that, if he would just talk to me.
I just want to be able to talk to my husband! ARGH! Probably my biggest need.
This is where I start to get resentful about what I am doing, and have been doing to try to improve myself and the marriage, while he isn't interested in any of it. He has made numerous comments about how wonderful I am, how lucky he is, what a great wife I am compared to what he hears from his friends about their wives, etc. But when I have a need, desire or feeling that he doesn't like, he's emotionally unavailable.
The old me would be thinking to myself..."see this is why you should have never gotten married...he can't even listen to you, blah, blah, blah." But yet, I am proud of myself because I am not going there! People have issues, we can resolve them. I am committed for the long haul.
I don't like feeling this way though and it's upsetting because it's unnecessary. I think we could've solved it in a couple of minutes if he would've been open to talking and we could right now be enjoying each other's company again.
I don't know if there really is any advice to be given or if I just needed to vent!
Mazzy
Boundary Thread
I've been doing a lot better about my reactions to disagreements or conflicts. The issue I'm having now is my DH not wanting to discuss these things or listen to what I have to say about it.
Usually the issue is related to something he did or said that to me was rude, inappropriate, disrespectful, mean, etc.
My DH seems to have the type of personality subject to mood swings. Some days he is wonderful, thoughtful, considerate, etc. and then out of the blue, he can behave rudely and make snide, insulting comments (again of course, that's how I see them).
I'm getting better at rooting out which incidents are worth making a big deal over and which are not. For example, a couple of nights ago we were at our dd's soccer game and I was sitting with him on one side and another mom on the other. I was having a lot of fun talking to this mom and ooohing and ahhing over her new baby. My DH kept interrupting my conversation with her to tell me something. He would look at me and make comments as if he was irritated that I was not paying 100% attention to him. I tried to ask him about it but he would say "no, nothing's wrong" but in a tone of voice that clearly indicated annoyance. Normally, he is very outgoing himself and encourages me to have my own friends, so it is confusing.
The old me would have had to drag that one out and ask him why he behaved that way and couldn't he see that it was rude and that I was embarassed by it.
But I let it go.
The thing is about these types of things, once he is in that mood it is not a one time occurrence, he tends to be in a cycle for a while.
There were some other similar incidents since then, but minor, so I dismissed them. He has done the "wave off" and told me to take a pill a few times.
Last night another incident occurred. I was making lunches for the kids and him for today and he was watching me and following me around the kitchen making comments about things I should do etc...He has a tendency to oversee what I am doing and it frankly gets on my nerves. He will ask me why am I cooking something this way, why don't I do it that way, I should put this in there, etc.
I feel bossed around. So after a couple of comments in the kitchen I asked him if I could have some space. He was annoyed and said he can be anywhere he wants in the house *he* pays for.
Well now, I ain't feelin' so loving towards him. I wanted to explain how I was feeling...that I understood how he felt but that I just need a little space now and then, like he does when he goes into his office and doesn't want to be disturbed and that I was sorry I hurt his feelings, but he walks away. Refuses to listen or talk. More comments fly around this morning about it, how I won't let it go.
I think a lot...lot...lot of his behaviors relate to FOO issues. I could accept that, if he would just talk to me.
I just want to be able to talk to my husband! ARGH! Probably my biggest need.
This is where I start to get resentful about what I am doing, and have been doing to try to improve myself and the marriage, while he isn't interested in any of it. He has made numerous comments about how wonderful I am, how lucky he is, what a great wife I am compared to what he hears from his friends about their wives, etc. But when I have a need, desire or feeling that he doesn't like, he's emotionally unavailable.
The old me would be thinking to myself..."see this is why you should have never gotten married...he can't even listen to you, blah, blah, blah." But yet, I am proud of myself because I am not going there! People have issues, we can resolve them. I am committed for the long haul.
I don't like feeling this way though and it's upsetting because it's unnecessary. I think we could've solved it in a couple of minutes if he would've been open to talking and we could right now be enjoying each other's company again.
I don't know if there really is any advice to be given or if I just needed to vent!
Mazzy