All, I don't know if anyone has ever started a thread like this but here goes.

My wife and I are both military career types, me 23 yrs, her 20. My W had an affair while gone to the desert for 8 months. Our marriage wasn't perfect and I've done my share of damage but it was nowhere near dire straights and I believe that to this day. The separation caused by deployments was nothing new to us, I was the one usually gone, this was her first long trip because of a new job she was forced into. The time we had to spend apart was tough on her and, I believe had ALOT to do with our situation now.

I want to believe we're working towards making things better but I'm still as lost as I was on dday.

Just wanted to start a thread for us military types who end up not only sacrficing our time and lives, but in many instances our families.

Just want everyone to know that military and their families make the sacrifices neccessary to enabled places such as this. And for the military families who are going through "casualties of war", you aren't alone, it's been a fact of history thoughout the military and the unfortunate saga continues. Places like MB make it possible to understand that it doesn't have to be the end.

I wish everyone good luck, here and abroad

I lost my family to military life, or it was a factor at least. I feel like I lost my wife for my service and I'm now facing losing my children as well.

Life will go on no matter what.

In some ways I think it was my husbands multiple deployments to Iraq, UAE, Kuwait and Qatar that started some of the problems. Not all of the problems, but some of them.

Hi Dino,

Thank you for starting this thread. My WH is in the navy. He had an A with a co-worker(junior enlisted). My D-day is less than 5 weeks away(oh joy!) My WH deployed 2 days after me finding out about his A. He returned this year in Feb., then he deployed again this past april. He was due back next week, but now it has pushed to 3 more weeks after that. That's been very frustrating to say the least to try and recover, while he's away. Lately I've been just thinking to just end our M(but then I start to think about the long term affects on our children). My children know, they were there on D-day when I found out. My middle child took it the hardest. She started shaking and crying and asked for us not to divorce. My WH lost it when he saw what his actions did to his child(dumb a$$).

For me to go to a base is really hard. For me to see women in uniform reminds me of OW. I tend to ask myself often, how in the world are we gonna get through this?(there's triggers everywhere I go). I mean if my WH could have an A with someone under his ranking while being on shore duty for 4 years, being only 15 minutes away from our house, I question time and time again about our past together, when he would deploy. Oh yes, and we've been down that road of discussion a lot in our M. He very well knows how I feel about infidelity. Yup, I was one of those that always said if you even thought about it, I would have to leave you, because there's no way I could ever live with the thoughts of you and another woman, and knowing you WANTED to have SF with whomever. But here I am, still married(go figure!)

I've always been faithful to my husband and he knows it. I never got involved in the military lifestyle of partying/drinking.

I grew up with my dad being marines for 4 years and navy for 20 years. My dad was the socializer and attended the parties and had the parties in our home. My mom joined my dad in this lifestyle. I remember when I was younger before my teen years when my parents would get into fights, because my dad flirted/kissed my mom's friend(s). They would get drunk in front of me and my older brother. They had that cycle in their relationship pretty much until I became an adolescent, and close to my dad retiring. But growing up in that environment scared me and caused a lot of anxiety in me. It's still with me til this day. My parents are still together, they just celebrated their 34th anniversary. They love each other very much. They also calmed down a lot since my dad's miltary days. They still have their same cycle of going to parties, but they're much tamer than before(it could be their age).

So I always told myself I would never marry a guy in the military(but low and behold, I did). I met my husband at 18 years old, married him at 19 1/2 years old. He was almost 23 when we married. I was very insecure when we married. I remember walking down the aisle with fear of infidelity in our future together. I kept thinking there are so many ways for him to have an affair.

I've never been a party girl. I always had my couple friends from highschool. I have been a SAHM since we married. I'm very domesticated and been homeschooling my older 2 children since my eldest was in the first grade. My son is now graduating the 8th grade in 2 weeks. I always supported my WH in his military career. When he talked at times of getting out, I talked him into staying in, because of the benefits(now becasue of his A, I don't think it was worth it). I always thought from him seeing how loyal I was to him and the sacrifices our children and I made, that there was no way he would ever stray from me(how lame of me, huh?)

I've read close to a dozen books on marital recovery, and I'm getting fatigued by it. My WH has read some also. He's been very remorseful since D-day. But it has been me getting the books and setting up counseling appointments. He said recently over an e-mail to me, that he realizes that he should start taking the initiative on doing those things, because I've been the one doing, when that should be his part. Since he said that, you bet, when he gets back from this somewhat of a short deployment, he can have that responsibility, cause he needs to clean up his mess that he made.

Right now, I don't if it's a phase? I don't know much of anything these days? But I'm kind of on the fence about which way should I go? I kick myself for it and get mad, becasue I just wish I can just make up my damn mind!!

Pomdb3,

I've never came across any of your threads, did you stray or your wife? I'm sorry for your pain either way. I pray you don't lose your children or your wife. This stupid crazy world!!! I hate pain!!!

FAM5

The military did promote a party lifestyle of sorts, thats changing now for the better I think.

I'm sorry to hear your story, it happen so often in the military both for males and females. I too, said I would never marry a military person but I did, I don't regret it, but one of the reasons why I didn't want to is because I saw how too many women fall to the pressure of being away and surrounded by all the attention. I thought my wife was stronger, that she was immune, I was wrong, hugely wrong, she also fell deep in love. She'll still say that our marriage was close to collapse, she's not a sane person right now. Our marriage was good, not perfect but good, I'll never believe that is was as bad as she says. One day, after the smoke clears, she'll see how idiotis all of this was. I hope I'm still here hanging on, but if it takes too long, she can ponder that question all by herself.

Hi Dino,

Nah.. in my sitch where I live in military housing, which has been our whole married life, the parties are still here, just like they were when I was growing up in military housing. But I stay to myself, I don't get involved in them, they never fascinated me. I do stay neighborly and just smile and wave. I saw too many catty fights amoungst the wives growing up(my mom being in a couple/few of them). I've also witnessed many fights amoungst neighbors over their spouses messing around with the neighbors spouses, while their children are playing outside listening to their obnoxious screaming. I just learned the hard way and I vowed to myself in my heart that I wouldn't involve my children in situations like that. Never understood what they were gaining from it? Seems like a waste of time(like you're still in highschool or something?)

My WH never seemed to like parties that much either, but he did ask me over the years to attend some of the functions(but I knew the functions were the parties). He knows how I feel, because I've told him plenty of times that I wasn't comfortable about them. I think my WH felt pressured at times to attend some of them. For the most part he didn't attend(as far as I know). But then again my WH internalizes his emotions. He'll tell me he's not upset with me about something, but he really is. Me on the other hand, you'll know if I'm upset about something(cause I would tell you) and you would know if I was happy(cause you'd see it).

My H has about 3 and half years to go before retirement. Don't know if I can make it or not? Especially when he has to leave here and there. When he came back in feb. and then had to leave again in april(which was a short notice by his command), it was like a teaser. We were getting into a routine of MC every week until the time he left again. I feel as if we have to start from scratch again(well we kind of are, cause our MC's were not that great with the infidelity issues), so we're gonna try SH. I've already did 2 IC sessions with SH just last week and a month ago. BIG improvement from our former MC's.

But my insomnia has returned big time!! I'm sleeping about an average of 4 hours a day. I feel my depression kicking in. Man this really does stink bad!!

I'll be venting more from now on on here, especially now since you started this thread. Thank you.. take care!

FAM5

BTW, our M wasn't bad either. We had more good than bad. I always viewed our M as being typical. Now I view our M as typically dysfunctional!! WH just had to be so curious to know what it would be like to go to bed with someone else other than his wife. I asked him how it was, he replied it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be (wow, really). I told him that affairs are not as glamorous as they are on t.v. are they? He knows what kind of woman he married, I don't play games, I won't even make the time for them. He burned himself.

Dino,

Thanks for starting this thread. I had been lurking for a couple of weeks now, but this made me want to go ahead and register.

After 28 years, I retired from the Army a couple of months ago. My husband is Activated Reserve and has been basically gone from the family most of the time since Feb 2006. I found out about his 7 month long A from phone records 17 Apr. So everything is very fresh with me. His A with was with an NCO (he is officer) and when it bacame apparent that others in the command knew (May 22) what was going on, he self-reported to the command. Currently, he and the OW are undergoing investigation and because he self-reported, there are sure to be consequences from the military.

I believe his A to be over, although there has only been NC for the past 10 days. Before that, she was still phoning him, sending emails, stopping by office and "bumping" into him outside. I have mixed feelings about the self-reporting. He has royally screwed up the end of his career by having the A. But that was a choice he made. On the plus side, once it is known to other people, I feel more confident that we will be able to recover, i.e. there will be other people watching so it might be easier to maintain the NC. It seems as though the "fog" he was in is starting to lift and he is starting to recognize how horrible his actions have been and how he was addicted to this OW.

I am on the roller coaster - really bad day yesterday - 6 week D - day ann. good day today.

AM

I glad you registered but I'm sorry you had to.

Not sure if you read my original post, but we're alot alike in our situations. My wife and I are career military. Her A cost her her "outstanding" career. The only difference being that my wife is the NCO and the OM is an officer. He is fairly young into his career so his life is definitely changed. He'll be forced out without retirement, fortunately, my wife was in long enough already to qualify for retirement.

Hopefully your husband is smart enough to keep NC inplace. Don't underestimate the addiction a WS has to the OP. After my wife's punishment (suspended bust) I thought NC would be a deal sealer and would never have to worry about it again because if they ever got caught, she would lose her E8 stripe and possibly do jail time. Was I wrong! She was honest when I asked but she said she had talked with him but only for legal reasons. I was floored, her need to talk to him overrode the potential for demotion or jail time, wtf? That was the first time I blew up because it really brought into focus how much she really fell for this guy. She was willing to sacrifice herself just to talk to him, wow, what a mind bender. I'm hoping that after that talk over a month ago, she has been smarter, i still have my doubts but she's the one who live with the consequences.

So don't take anything for granted, have faith, but verify, discreetly. As for "fog", it affects different people different ways. If you're lucky, the whirlwind of self reporting will help blow his away, the fog is what keeps things from moving forward. My wifes fog is lingering, has been for months. Our past has alot to do with it, so what can I do but hang on.

As for the legal side of things, it was tough for us. I supported her fully through everything and I believe it helped in the end. Since your husband is an officer, he will be dealt with more severely as you know.

I hope things work out. This a good place for people like us. I'm hoping to get my wife here one day, so she can see that all of this isn't the end, but a chance to begin again.

I'll keep an eye out for you


My original story
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2066479&fpart=1

Thanks, Dino. I read your story and my heart breaks for you and your family. Esp about the part with your daughter's prom. Lots of mil come back from deployment and find the battle rhythmn of the house has changed. The mil aren't really members of the family any more because they have not had the family rights/responsibilities and life just went on without them. Our 14 yr old DS seems to care less whether his dad is around or not around. That is another relationship that needs recognition and recovery. Really sad.

Thanks for the caution about the NC. I have been harping about the NC, even casual pass in the hall, outside for a smoke break contact, and the reasons for total NC. I think he is starting to get it and admit the addiction to OW.

It seems as if almost everything in our sitch was "by the book" and seems to be going along the timeline Dr. Harley describes. I found a four part series on Utube from Dr. Harley and my H watched it. Until then, H did not have any idea how devestating his actions have been to us. We are also working through "His needs, her needs" book. He SAYS he has always wanted to be with me and felt lost and isolated and now he is relieved that 1) A is over (is it?) and 2) I still want him (I had always SAID I would not stay in marriage after an A. Actually, my desire to want to is a surprise to me, but I do want the M to work and I do still love him.)

I am hopeful about the fog. First thing I did was call the OW husband and reveal what I knew. He told me that his W has had at least 3 affairs that he knew about and the previous was with a 2 star gen (which remained secret). This was news to my H. Also, her manipulation, lies and deceit to my H started to be revealed and I think that is helping to lift fog. Her plan was an exit affair and in the emails/letters I found, she was pressuring my H to let her move in with him (he is assigned in another state. He will end his Act Duty mil this Dec).

I do worry that they have only gone underground and that contact continues. The last lie I actually caught him in was 19 May. But that does not mean there are not others and I just don't know about them. I told H that O&H were my MOST important need right now and if he can't meet it better than he has been, i.e. be totally honest with me, I cannot continue. In the meantime, I am Plan Aing as hard as I can, but it is difficult only being together on weekends and I have had many, many emotional breakdowns. One was a panic attack where I HAD to get out of the car.

School for DS ends in 2 weeks. Then we are off to stay with H for most of the summer, sell this beautiful house that I now HATE, and move together as a family to a totally different state.

AM

AM,
I’m sorry you’re here but you are in the right place. I’m an active duty Navy Chief. There are several people here who are affiliated with the military in one form or another. Active, Reserve, Officer, Enlisted, Military member, Dependant etc...

RIF is someone who’s been through the fire and is in recovery. He’s an Army reserve Officer and is currently deployed to Afghanistan.


That was only about a week ago... right? How do you know? How do you know that he self reported to his command? Because he told you? Just wondering. Every branch has a different policy on fraternization. I just read the Army’s policy. According to what you’ve said your husband is in violation of the Army’s fraternization policy. I would think that his command would separate the two individuals as a first step. (Immediately if not sooner) If that hasn’t happened I would question why? You also said that you talked to the other woman’s husband and that he said this isn’t the first affair she’s had with an Officer. Not only that, but she’s had an affair with a flag officer. THAT IS BAD BAD BAD NEWS FOR THE ARMY IF IT GETS OUT TO THE PUBLIC. There was an article in the Navy times about a month ago. There is a 3 star Admiral who was fired from his job very recently because he was caught in a lie about an affair he had 10 years ago. This admiral worked in the Pentagon and was a deputy chief of staff for the Joint Chiefs. Affairs and fraternization are not what the military wants on the front page of the newspapers. A little pressure on his command will make something happen... Preferably they will totally separate the two and send one of them to a different command.

I’ve seen fraternization handled completely differently depending on the situation. I personally know an individual who was a rising star within my specialty. He got kicked out because of fraternization... He was an officer who had an affair with an enlisted female. I know another individual (Senior Enlisted) who was cohabitating with a junior enlisted and the command did nothing. However, if the personnel under this Chief’s charge would have made a big enough stink about it I’m sure the command would have put the nix on the living situation.

AM,
I’m sorry you’re going through this Cr@p but you’re in the right place for help.

AM

If the Army is anything like the Air Force and he really did self expose, they should have put a "No Contact" order on both of them. This order states that there is to be no contact...period. Not even through second parties. If that order is broken, it would add to the already dire consequences of the A. When my wife got caught, it was the OMW that found out through emails and told his command. She was served with the no contact order while in the states for an Air Force course. She had to call me to tell me about it which is how I found out. Luckily she called when she did because the following day, her command called my command and they brought me in to tell me about it. They didn't know that she had already told me. Could you imagine if I had to find out from my commander? i would've lost my mind.

I hope you're husband is genuine about his intentions. My wife was initially very remorseful and wanting to save our marriage. Shortly after though, she seems to have changed her tune as the addiction to OM surfaced and is now unwilling to commit to our marriage, at least she has yet to voice her commitment to me. I've tried to get her involved in repairing us, but I believe she is still in either withdrawal, she's still in contact, or she has made the decision that we are finished. Me not knowing the worst part of this all.

I hope you move towards healing, I wish that for myself and my wife as well. Take care of yourself and you husband, especially your kids. My kids know we are having problems but don't know about the whys. We both agree that it isn't the right time to tell them yet. Obviously if we decide that divorce is the best option, we will have to tell.

Good luck

Thanks for the encouraging words. I know he self-reported because I was there. Not inside the Commander's office but in my H's office across the hall. After that, the command appointed an investigating officer. My H has been ordered to not have conversation about the investigation with OW. On the Monday after he self-reported, the OW's H called my H to ask what had happened (I had threatened to tell as a means to get OW to back off. Of course, that was before I knew about the fog of addiction.) He was outside talking on the phone to OW H and OW was hanging around listening. To the best of my knowledge, that was the last contact. But he had lied several times about contact, so who knows? H took 6 days leave over the long weekend and spent it with our family, camping, fishing and white water rafting (working on my plan A). When he returned to work last Wed, he reported that she had not been around, i.e he had not seen her and he assumed she was on leave this past week. I'll see what happens this coming week.

He is being investigated on three charges - adultery, failure to obey an order and conduct unbecoming an officer. He had his interview with the investigating officer last Wed and signed his sworn statement. My assumption is that the investigation will continue through this upcoming week or maybe two weeks. Then we will see what will happen next. My H says he has great relief that it is in the open and the secrets are out and neither she nor her husband have anything more to hang over his head. He is nervous about the punishment, but knows it will be the consequence of his terrible decisions. In the Utube video, Dr. Harley said he wished adultery were a crime in the US or states. I think the military does the closest thing with its regulations and it is a good thing. Even though there are probably thousands of A's that don't see the light of day in the military.

As I said before, my H will come off active duty 31 Dec (mid-Nov) with leave time and we will move to an entirely different state. He can retire effective Aug 2009 from the reserves. He says he is good with this plan and seems to be really working on our M. Time will tell. It took me several years to have trust when we were first married in 1982 (I had been married and divorced). I told him don't expect me to suddenly trust him. In the meantime, I have all the phone records, one letter, some emails, and a gift he had given her at Christmas (long story, but her H sent it to me). I feel a need to hang onto this stuff for now.

I have been pouring over phone records, piecing together the A. I think I am about done asking questions about it and he has been pretty forthcoming with information once he realized why I was asking and my need to know. Again, the Dr. Harley's 4 part video on UTUBE helped with this as well as the "His needs, her needs" book. H is about half way through the book and says he is finding really helpful. We started MC right away and have had three sessions together and I have been twice by myself.

In the meantime, I have been going crazy with exercise. It seems to really make a difference in my feelings.

AM

On Thursday, both my H and the OW will receive an Article 15, non-judicial punishment. My H seems relieved that this is happening. Right after that, he is going to ask for help with a re-assignment to a different location until his retirement.

Meanwhile, the Chaplain has agreed to be my H's "accountability buddy", checking on him locally on a frequent basis. My H had a good, long session with the Chaplain and is really digging into the books, reading "His Needs, Her Needs" thoroughly. Meanwhile, my meltdowns are getting farther apart and less severe.

Our 26th Anniversary is coming up and we have a long weekend planned away from kids.

8 week anniversary of discovery day is this Thursday. So I am hoping for a day with no meltdown.

AM

Good job!!!!!!! I am so happy to see a success story here. And it sounds like the affair wasn't a career killer.

Well, it is too early to tell whether it is a success story. I still think we could go either way. And the next couple of weeks will tell whether it is a career killer or not.

There has been continuing contact with the OW seeking out my WH when there is no need. Today she expressed anger that she was being punished along with him and that no one was telling her what was going on. My WH said he had nothing to do with any of that. Later when WH told me about the contact, I became very upset. The longest he has gone without seeing/talking to her at work is 11 days when he was on leave and then she was on leave the following week. Otherwise, she seeks him out every few days and he LETS her. I told him this is wrong for two reasons 1) they are both getting an addiction "fix" and 2) it is disrespectful to me and trivializing my feelings. He responded by a "not sure if he wanted to be married anymore". I called the Chaplain and they had a conversation today after work. I don't think H really meant what he was saying, but it is tough having these conversations over the phone and not in person.

Sometime, during my meltdown today, I called her and said, "It is h#$@ getting caught and you just can't stay out of his office, can you?" (She has a previous adulterous affair in the Army, but was not caught before). A New York minute later she was back in WH office, angrily saying "Your wife wants me to leave you alone and I want her to stop calling me and leave me alone." So the mean, mad part of me wants to say, "You have put your husband and ME through the grinder, and maybe I should call you once each time you initiate a contact or better yet, every day for the next seven months, which is how long you were bedding my husband." Ludicrous thought, of course.

Anyway, another meltdown day and an emergency meeting with my counselor tonight.

AM

I wonder why the Army didn't issue a No Contact order? That would have relieved you of the stress of her walking in on him or calling him. Maybe the Army doesn't have one. If it becomes too much of a stressor for you, you should ask about it. it's hard enough to get through this stuff without OW constantly jumping in your "business" Glad to hear things seem to be moving forward though, I'm happy for you. Progress is good toward either end state IMO.

Take care

Thanks for the interest and post.

The last couple of days have been eventful for us. My H accepted his Article 15 on Tuesday. He is being relieved from his position, sent to the Individual Ready Reserve (whenever they can get the paperwork done), received a $3000 for 2 months reduction in pay, a General Letter of Reprimand - filed locally, and not allowed to attend the school he had scheduled in July. His evaluation report, of course, will have negative comments on it. He was most surprised and upset about not being allowed to attend the school. And since he was supposed to stay on active duty until Dec, the transfer to the IRR will cost us about another 50K. All in all, a significant punishment.


I have no idea why there was no NC order. As a commander, it always was the first thing I did. My H asked the OW's boss to deliver a NC order on 2 June. But OW came to his office on 3 June, 5 June, 11 June, 12 June (the day the Art 15's were read). So I am not sure whether the order was ever delivered or not. Date of last NC was 12 June. H tells me his feelings for her are starting to die. With the exception of a couple of times when we was really depressed, he has consistently expressed a desire to stay married and work on recovery. I had told him from my perspective there could be no start on recovery until there was NC for a period of time - and I pulled 30 days out of a hat as a number to start with.

Yesterday, H did something that I thought was really good. During his staff meeting with senior staff, he talked about his relief from his position, talked about some of the stresses that military place on its member's marriages, cautioned about staying with the family and not always taking additional deployments when they are offered. He also talked about 2 of Dr. Harley's books, "Love busters" and "His needs, Her needs". H said 4 or 5 people choked up and several took notes. Later, one other COL talked to my H about problems he and his wife are having with communications. So....... maybe some good will come out of this for other people. In any case, he certaily made some points with me for having that frank discussion.

Today we close on a house in a new state. Hopefully, we will get everything moved by mid-Aug and we can put both states we are in now in our rear-view mirrors.

A week from today is our 26th wedding Ann. We are headed for a few days at the beach alone. Today is the nine week ann of D. This is the first Thurs that I feel almost normal. The "Be Still" thread has helped, as well as getting some of the closure above.

Best wishes,

AM

Yes, I agree with Dino.... about the Army having both parties signing a NC letter?

My FWH and OW had to sign NC letters, and I also ordered an MPO against OW (for my sanity and safety). This was done when my H was deployed to ME last year. OW is still stationed at my H last command(he is no longer stationed there). Also from what my H tells me, OW admitted to him when they were not getting along at one point, that my H wasn't the first that she slept with in the command.... hmmm(gross!!) Anyways... my H was confronted about 4 weeks after I submitted the exposure letter to his C/O via internet. My H did get a long lecture while overseas, and was told never to contact her in any way, and if she were to contact him, he was to report it right away(he better!) H too, did not get demoted in anyway, that's because I pleaded with the Chaplain to speak with the C/O to not let this happen(the things we do for the ones we love). So the Chaplain basically told me not to submitt any evidence, and just the letter itself(H can count his blessings). But if I were to divorce my H, then more than likely this would have gone to a hearing and of course submitting the evidence would have taken place.

Just an update.

My H has submitted his retirement effective for 1 Oct. He is waiting for orders now and could be gone from his current assignment early next week.

When he was filling out his retirement paperwork, he realized that out of the last 6 years, we have been apart for more then 4 of them. Neither of us had realized how long it had been. He was so sad and apologetic.

An NC order was FINALLY given to OW on 3 July. My WH has been on leave quite a bit since then and when he is at work, the C has been limited to passing in the hallway with no words exchanged and a couple of emails that he was on a big distro list for. The last contact with discussion was 20 June when she sneaked up behind him in his office to 1) show him the ring her H gave her 2)tell my WH that her BH wanted to talk to him and 3) try to find out when he was leaving. He has been transparent with his email and phone and we have had long discussions about triggers, both for me and for him. He commented yesterday that when he sees OW in the hall she looks miserable and he feels compassionate for her. I reminded him that she was able to make everyone feel sorry for her after her last affair (one with no consequences for her) and that she is an expert at manipulation. I am not sure if it changed his view, but at least it is food for thought and perhaps some day all traces of fond feelings will dissipate.

Our movers come the second week of August and we will be starting part II ot our lives in a beautiful place in the mountains. We are so excited to have God's plan for our next 30-40 years revealed.

Dealing with anger and resentment has been hard. Not2fun had a great post on resentment where she laid out some practical strategies. I summerize when I say they are: 1)pray 2) focus on WH is doing today. Pick out a good thing and focus on that. 3) Write a journal and 4) Do something loving for WS. I have added a couple of my own: 5) Exercise regularly. and 6) Postpone ALL resentment until April 2010 - D Day plus 2 years. If I still need to deal with it then, I will OR I could decide to postpone it again.

For our 26th Ann, my H gave me some beautiful earrings and necklace. Over dinner I gave him a book called Married for Life. Sold in Hallmark's, it is a collection of two page devotions highlighting couples who have been married for more than 50 years. Each morning, we read one, date it and put the location of where we read it.

In any case, today is the 3 month Anti-versary of D Day. I am hopeful we are on the right track toward a recovered M. My H says that he considers D Day the start of his recovery. Maybe someday, I will see it as that as well, since I did not know that our M had been suffering from the LB of independent thinking. Something we had both been doing, maybe as a result of the long military separation.

Another bad day.....

WH is outprocessing his military unit and violated NC. Even thugh we had talked about it 4 or 5 times, what he would do if she came to him, he still went outside to "say good-bye". He says it was "closing the door". We had a couple of phone calls about this today. After the first one, when I said I could not talk about this, he said he called the command to report her violation of the no contact order. I told him I would check the phone records tomorrow to verify. When I told him his "closure" was just another "fix", he got really angry and after I called him a gaslighting POS, I hung up. So much for me not getting angry...

I feel like I am back at D-Day 1, except a little more numb. I think if you hit your thumb with a hammer 20 times, it still hurts the 20th time, but you get used to the hurting. I don't think I can be with someone who has this little regard for my feelings.

Meanwhile, we have a contract on our house. My focus (if i cam ever find it) will be to get the house sold and moved to the next house. DS has camp coming up and I know I have to get away. I don't think I can stay here alone for 10 days.

Any advice from someone who has had to deal with multiple breaks of NC?

AM
AM

Multiple violations of NC really tar down your resolve to stay married, but many people here have gone through them. It is kind of like an alcoholic stopping drinking. There may be some false starts. But at least they will be physically separated which should help.

I know it is very hurtful and you feel disregarded, but try to get through this without LB'ing. I'm very hopeful for your marriage.

Thanks, Believer.

I guess I had started to think we were in recovery. But not.... There have been multiple contacts over the last few months. My WH seemed as though he could avoid initiating contact, but could never say no when she initiated. He had never written a NC letter and I think it was a huge miss on my part when I did not attach importance to his reluctance.

Even today, when he was "closing the door", he did not say "Never contact me again." It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop sometime in the future (next mont, next year, 10 years from now) when she calls or emails him, and off he goes again.

My point of view today is that I do not know if I can continue with someone who selfishly places our marriage in such jeapordy. On the other hand, my IC has asked me where my line in the sand is and I don't know. Perhaps, there is a point when I don't think I will be able to "get over it". My strategies for dealing with resentment that were working so well are totally inadequate today.

AM

Good post. I was a military wife. My then 1stSG husband and I were doing well, so I thought when a new private was put under his command. He was not even deployed at the time...it happened at Annual Training. I was not part of that military life and they bonded with that. A year of back and forth and hell later we finally separated and divorced. Him and the OW got married and were deployed together, then he was just employed and well...cheated on her...it is interesting to read what she posts on her my space...things like...how could he do this to our marriage...things I asked...ironic...any way got off subject...it took me a long time to quit blaming all military. Don't flame me...I support all of our troops...but the military in general can leave a bittersweet taste at times. I believe the lifestyle of the military is very nurturing to affairs...JMHO

28 years and the Army sucked the very life out of me at the end. We have had almost no family life in the past 5 and 1/2 years since the start of the war. The WH was able to make it home for some important events, but missed many, many others. Just yesterday, he missed our DS coming home from a camping trip with the scouts. A simple thing, but the DS was just bubbling when he walked in the door. By the next morning, talking to the WH/Dad, the bubbling was reduced and the stories ended when the WH said he had to go to lunch. They are pretty much strangers and the DS is ambivelent to his Dad's comings and goings.

I have a friend whose H (He is a WH, BTW and they don't know what will happen next with them) CHOSE to deploy to Afghanistan rather than go to his own daughter's wedding. He could have delayed the deployment, but did not even ask. He is on his second A. Now retired, the first A was never revealed while he was in the military. This couple, like my H and I have been, are separated by military assignment.

Dr Harley talks about choices in careers and the military being one of the bad choices if you are M. Guess it is like the old saying, "If the (insert branch of service) wanted you to have a wife, they would have issued you one."



AM

No longer in the military life, but I know what you are talking about as I still have to deal with it. Ex and OW/NEW WIFE are both deployed at opposite times and once together so my little one deals with it...so if you want to chat let me know...I will check this often as I am strong now and want to help. Though have to admit reading my old posts did bring back some stabs.

Thanks Muffincups. I think maybe that is what Dino had in mind when he started this thread, although I ended up with most of my story on it. Sorry Dino, did not mean to HJ the thread.

My WH has a couple of posts on here. He is Wayward_idiot on the recovery forum. He is de-mobing at Fort Benning this week and should be home soon.

We are LEAVING the military totally behind. I retired the 1st of March and WH has applied for retirement effective 1 Oct. I will NOT miss the military. We have a son who is in the Army stationed in Germany and we will soon be retirees and proud parents of a Soldier and nothing more.

Bump for the new military on the site. Adultery happens with this profession at a high rate as well. It's not just the docs.

AM

XH is military. OW was the fiance of his troop. According to XH, the affair became physical after the kid deployed to Iraq. Hmmm, wonder why he didn't get his promotion?