ok, i have previously posted a very detailed backstory to my current separation so i hope not to belabor the point here.

i am 46, wife is 38. i met her at our work while she was attending college. *she new i was previously married (one child)when we met*, she pursued me pretty hard, i fell in love pretty quickly.

so, i did something that triggered her to flip out, leading to her moving out. no "other man",
zero adultery, her attitude was/is just "i don't want to be married to someone who doesn't value whay i've done for you."

of course, i am trying like hell to keep this together. i'm just looking for some help.

first, i have genuinelty apologized and have been attending aa. 78 days sobriety! God has become a big part of my life. so has honoring my wife and doing my very best to tend to what i've learned are her emotional needs.

so...she has been inviting me to do things with her. recreational dates i'll call them. walks along the river, lunch in the park during her break from work, movies, renting dvd's and watching them at her apt., and i'm loving it! gives me a good chance to use what i am learning.

i don't want to be separate any more than the next guy, but i think it's doing some good. my questions are:

1) do you see the hope that i feel?

2) does this look like a salvageable situation?

3) what can i do further to expedite the healing?


thank you in advance.

*edited to clarify previous marital situation

scares me, y'all, when no one responds. am i asking the wrong questions???? gets me stinkin thinkin!!!

that's ok, the answers are coming in. i saw my psychologist today. he said THERE IS HOPE.

he explained that "these are only my observations based on the facts, but she's still inviting you into her life. she still loves you."

"there is still hope" i've learned thru the stroke recovery, doctors don't like to over-promise.

"what i'd like to do is get you on the book (ten days to self esteem) and see you next week"

and again, when everything seems the darkest, something good happens. my phone just rang, it was my wife, such a sweet tone of voice. God I love her.

btw, last night, she took a picture of me and looked at it and looked at me and she got a twinkle in her eye. even my sister noticed it. i think I'M falling in love again~!!

This may be why not many are posting to you. It sounds as if your current marriage began as an affair. If I'm wrong, I apologize for the assumption. If I'm right, as a BS, I know I personally have a hard time helping anyone with a marriage that started as an affair and tend to stay away from those threads. Just thought you'd like to know.

I agree with princessmeggy.

You ended your real marriage and are now in an Affairage. You got what you deserve.

Karma bus I believe many call it.

PM, you stole the very words out of my mouth.

V, is this the case? Did you D your former W to M your current W?

All Blessings,
Jerry

jerry, let me answer your q's first.
1) no
2) my first marriage ended in D, then this relationship began.

sorry for the confusion. i'll edit my original post to clear it up.


i found what the original source of confusion may have been. in my original post,
i said:

"we met at work in 1988 while i was still married to my first wife"

i didn't say:

"we began having a relationship while i was still married."

this one sentence fragment doomed me in the eyes of some members here apparently.

i met her, we were family friends, i divorced, we dated, we married.

Have you read the material here about Love Busters and Emotional Needs?

interestingly enough, question i had...what are en's (found the quiz) thank you. me & clinical psychologist talked in depth about ens today. thank you.

From what I've learned, stopping your Love Busters (things you do that annoy your spouse) and then meeting your spouse's Emotional Needs (what he/she needs from you) is the KEY to a good marriage. You should BOTH be doing this for each other. If you do, great times ahead. Read up!

THE FOLLOWING IS TO CLARIFY AN ERROR IN ONE OF MY PREVIOUS POSTS. APPARENTLY MY HONESTY IS BEING CALLED INTO QUESTION. I HOPE THIS SETTLES IT: We met at work (my ex, me and future wife all worked at same place. we were all friends AND ONLY FRIENDS) at the time. i divorced in december of 1998 , me & future wife moved to new mexico, ex moved to washington. i lived in new mexico(then pennsylvania) WITH my future second wife. we lived together unmarried, we moved back home to the northwest and away from the crime of philadelphia with our first child and married november of 1991.
(also marshmallow, i just quickly skimmed thru my previous post to find the error as i was home from work grabbing a lunch and was running late on the way back. yep, i'm back to work after 6 months!!!stroke. thereby, i missed the other sentence which you so observantly brought to my attention)

NOTE: i was not intentionally trying to be deceptive. believe me when i say that i would not lie about having an affair to make it sound like i did. thank you for pointing this out to me. i'm almost sure that wife reads this site too. and she knows the reference to my nickname so she'd know "voivod" was me.

BYW, she just called me again (after another lovely evening together laying in the grass at the park and a quick dinner at her apt.) to inform me that she is gonna coach my son's sports team this fall and that she'd like ME to help her asst. coach!!!! yippee. she's giving me a chance. pray for me that i don't miss=step (i won't)

NOTE: I spill my guts here, make a chronological mis-step and i get ignored? i'm on an emotional rollercoaster and i'm lookin for a little support. have none of you been thru a reconciliation? what does it look like? am i near the right track?

I'm not trying to be a wiseacre here, voi, but you divorced in 1988 and not 1998, right?



Charlotte

Well, he met his current wife in 1988 while he was still married to his first wife. He states that he and his second wife co-habitated for three plus years. Then they got married in 1991.

Voi, You say that there was no "affair" between you and your second wife while you were married to your first wife. But you also say that your second wife persued you heavily. With all of this and considering the years involved, it sure sounds like at least an emotional affair while you were married to your first wife--doesn't it?

Considering the problem with alcohol, I just thought it might be good to get everything accurate relating to this relationship with your second wife. I am not saying that there was emotional adultery, but it is difficult to get a picture of this, considering the dates without thinking that there was something going on between you and your second wife while you were married to your first wife.

No disrespect intended, just trying to get an understanding of all of this.

divorced in 1988, before i grew these fat fingers!!!

Awwwwwwwwww....

Well, if they are fat they will get a LOT of exercise here with all of the typing!

Charlotte

i don't know how to characterize the period of time that we were friends, because she (my current wife) was a friend of the family. there was an emotional bond. between us all, i guess.

i just wanted to hear your opinions on the chances for reconciliation, if i made a chronological error in posting facts, it was not an attempt to deceive. pleeeeeeze help.

charlotte,
as you see it, do these things seem a sign of a second chance? or am i hoping beyond hope. your opinion matters.

There's always hope. Of course there are no guarantees but you know that already.

If you are that determined then start Plan A-ing your butt off. It's a start.

There are people here who have spouses who were serial cheaters. And they turned it around. So anything is possible.

So, how 'bout Plan A, then?

Charlotte

charlotte,
i have the utmost confidence that there is no infidelity. isn't plan a & plan b is for instances of infidelity. your ball.

Plan A and Plan B are useful for any ad all marital problems when one spouse wishes to address their part in the marital breakdown.

charlotte,
i'm sorry, i read about plan a. how might i implement it given my circumstances?

you assumed i had an affair while still married to my first wife based on someone elses post. that is incorrect. thanks for paying attention.

There are LOTS of people here to help...and LOTS of people that NEED HELP.

My first thought is that you need to drop the ATTITUDE. You are coming here for advice from people who spend their personal time to help one another...and from your last sarcastic comment, you are going to alienate them.

Plan A has nothing to do with an affair. Plan A is about meeting your spouses needs so that she sees that you are a GREAT choice. In your case, your W has moved out because of your actions...not an affair, but something else that hurt her. You need to show her that you are working hard to meet her emotional needs and that you are committed to fighting for your marriage.

You can only control YOUR actions. So you need to figure out how to be the BEST husband she could ask for...work on meeting her needs and not love busting. As she sees these changes in you, she may be interested in reciprocating (as it sounds like she is already).

MB isn't JUST about saving a relationship after an affair, it's about BUILDING a GREAT MARRIAGE. Do the things that make your W happy and avoid the things that make her unhappy. That's sound advice for ANY relationship.

Good luck.

HTM

htm,
you are right, i apologize, i just feel kicked around here for something i did not do.

as for the plan a, i'd sure love to see an example. i just don't know what its supposed to look like.

You're probably best off to start with the basic stuff. Here's a link to the Basic Concepts of Marriage Builders.

Basic Concepts

The general idea for Plan A is to work on yourself. Look at the things that you do that might upset/bother your wife and get rid of them (Love Busters). Look at the things that you can do to meet your wife's emotional needs (ENs) and do more of those things. Try to spend as much time as possible with your wife HAVING FUN...not talking about the relationship or apologizing for wrong-doing...make her WANT to spend time with you.

Think about what you did when you first fell in love with her. You bent over backwards to have fun with her. You talked to her about your most intimate thoughts, you bought her cards and flowers, you planned and did things with her that you knew she would enjoy.

It's that simple (and that complicated)...do more of the things she likes, do less of the things she doesn't like.

That would be the first part to work on.

HTM

HTM covered that for you REALLY well!!

Charlotte

plan a...seems so obvious..

1) The general idea for Plan A is to work on yourself. Look at the things that you do that might upset/bother your wife and get rid of them (Love Busters).

oh my gosh, she's given me so many indicators..where have i been???

2)Look at the things that you can do to meet your wife's emotional needs (ENs) and do more of those things. Try to spend as much time as possible with your wife HAVING FUN...not talking about the relationship or apologizing for wrong-doing...make her WANT to spend time with you.

i believe i have ben doing so. she continues to invite me along.

3) Think about what you did when you first fell in love with her. You bent over backwards to have fun with her. You talked to her about your most intimate thoughts, you bought her cards and flowers, you planned and did things with her that you knew she would enjoy.

and it came as second nature back then. i love this woman dearly. when i say i would do anything for her, i really mean that, including backing off and giving her the time needed to heal. i know i have brought this on myself. or she would have never reacted to my "one beer" incident so drastically. much "wreckage from the past" pain was exposed in that moment. God knows i love her. now she needs to feel/see my efforts.

It's that simple (and that complicated)...do more of the things she likes, do less of the things she doesn't like.

That would be the first part to work on.