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Joined: Aug 2008
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voivod Offline OP
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you assumed i had an affair while still married to my first wife based on someone elses post. that is incorrect. thanks for paying attention.

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 Quote:
you assumed i had an affair while still married to my first wife based on someone elses post. that is incorrect. thanks for paying attention.


There are LOTS of people here to help...and LOTS of people that NEED HELP.

My first thought is that you need to drop the ATTITUDE. You are coming here for advice from people who spend their personal time to help one another...and from your last sarcastic comment, you are going to alienate them.

Plan A has nothing to do with an affair. Plan A is about meeting your spouses needs so that she sees that you are a GREAT choice. In your case, your W has moved out because of your actions...not an affair, but something else that hurt her. You need to show her that you are working hard to meet her emotional needs and that you are committed to fighting for your marriage.

You can only control YOUR actions. So you need to figure out how to be the BEST husband she could ask for...work on meeting her needs and not love busting. As she sees these changes in you, she may be interested in reciprocating (as it sounds like she is already).

MB isn't JUST about saving a relationship after an affair, it's about BUILDING a GREAT MARRIAGE. Do the things that make your W happy and avoid the things that make her unhappy. That's sound advice for ANY relationship.

Good luck.

HTM


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


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voivod Offline OP
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htm,
you are right, i apologize, i just feel kicked around here for something i did not do.

as for the plan a, i'd sure love to see an example. i just don't know what its supposed to look like.

Joined: Feb 2008
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You're probably best off to start with the basic stuff. Here's a link to the Basic Concepts of Marriage Builders.

Basic Concepts

The general idea for Plan A is to work on yourself. Look at the things that you do that might upset/bother your wife and get rid of them (Love Busters). Look at the things that you can do to meet your wife's emotional needs (ENs) and do more of those things. Try to spend as much time as possible with your wife HAVING FUN...not talking about the relationship or apologizing for wrong-doing...make her WANT to spend time with you.

Think about what you did when you first fell in love with her. You bent over backwards to have fun with her. You talked to her about your most intimate thoughts, you bought her cards and flowers, you planned and did things with her that you knew she would enjoy.

It's that simple (and that complicated)...do more of the things she likes, do less of the things she doesn't like.

That would be the first part to work on.

HTM


BW 37 (Me).
F?WH 35.
06/97 Married.
Three sons...4, 5, and 7.
06/04 EA begins (Unknown to me).
02/10/05 D-Day EA (Unknown PA).
02/24/08 D-Day LTA 3+ YEARS! (same OW).


Joined: Oct 2007
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HTM covered that for you REALLY well!!

Charlotte

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voivod Offline OP
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plan a...seems so obvious..

1) The general idea for Plan A is to work on yourself. Look at the things that you do that might upset/bother your wife and get rid of them (Love Busters).

oh my gosh, she's given me so many indicators..where have i been???

2)Look at the things that you can do to meet your wife's emotional needs (ENs) and do more of those things. Try to spend as much time as possible with your wife HAVING FUN...not talking about the relationship or apologizing for wrong-doing...make her WANT to spend time with you.

i believe i have ben doing so. she continues to invite me along.

3) Think about what you did when you first fell in love with her. You bent over backwards to have fun with her. You talked to her about your most intimate thoughts, you bought her cards and flowers, you planned and did things with her that you knew she would enjoy.

and it came as second nature back then. i love this woman dearly. when i say i would do anything for her, i really mean that, including backing off and giving her the time needed to heal. i know i have brought this on myself. or she would have never reacted to my "one beer" incident so drastically. much "wreckage from the past" pain was exposed in that moment. God knows i love her. now she needs to feel/see my efforts.

It's that simple (and that complicated)...do more of the things she likes, do less of the things she doesn't like.

That would be the first part to work on.

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