If your FWH volunteered to take a polygraph and set the entire thing up and never did it?

If your FWH, when asked after several months why he hadnt done what you mutually agreed on, replied " I dont know, I intended to"

If your FWH swears "You have nothing to be worried about, I have been completely honest with you, you know everything"

If you find a bra that is not yours in your laundry which cannot be explained but FWH SWEARS he doesnt know how it got there.


What would you think?

JK - I assume these are not hypothetical questions. I'm afraid that I would think what you are probably thinking. I am so sorry.

Given my situation I don't yet feel qualified to offer advice but...

If I were in a similar situation I would demand that my spouse honor the commitment to take the polygraph ASAP or I would implement Plan D.

TIM

I'd think that somebody's been lyin' out of their kiester!!

Charlotte

P.S.) And you are correct in your assumptions.

He is lying and cheating again. Can you arrange to personally DRIVE him to the polygraph appointment? Or is it that important anymore...and you have enough evidence... when you found the strange bra, etc...

You could take the bra and tie it on a flagpole in the yard.

I would think he is lying his a** off!

So sorry, JK.

JustKim, what scares me here is that you had to ask. I fear that you are doubting your own judgment. Is that the case? When a spouse is gaslighted for so long, they begin to doubt their instincts and common sense.

I think you need to expose.

What would "I" think, you ask?

I think someone is waaaaaaaay overdue for their Lie Detector Test.

Scares me, too Mel.

You are right, I dont know what to believe. We are 2.5 years post d day and for the last year, Ive had a dream husband. Committed to M, follows MB principles, very attentive and loving. Puts forth a HUGE effort. HUGE. NOTHING like he was during the A. There is NOTHING in his behavior that has led me to believe he could possibly be having another A. No way. And Im very leary and suspicious.

The last time, there were red flags galore and even though he denied it I just knew.

Interestingly enough, I posted the question on the strange bra over on the private forum to Dr Harley and he advised that, given the state of my M, that it is plausible my H didnt have anything to do with it. I have a preteen daughter and it is possible that the bra belongs to one of her friends or something, since it showed up after a marathon cleaning session of said daughters closet. I just dont know what to think. I suppose its possible that 13 yr olds have a size D bra. ( said with a good deal of sarcasm)

Im eerily calm. No hysterics. Very detached and calm. And Im an emotional person so NO idea where it is all coming from. H is insistant on taking a polygraph now. I told him it really didnt matter and he replied that "It matters to him, now". I guess when it mattered to me, it wasnt important enough.

I feel numb. I dont know if I should believe him, or if Im being snowed. I just dont know.

JK, but you don't need to be so scared. There is no reason he can't reassure you and take the polygraph. That will help you RELAX, won't it?

Kim:

Schedule the poly yourself and don't tell him. When you have the time scheduled, tell your WH that you want to do something together that date/time and not to make plans. Do not tell him what the plans are. You drive the car and just go there. If he has nothing to hide, he should not balk.

Ask your daughter if she has a "D" friend.

Jim, I DO see your point very much, however, if she surprises him like that, she will LOSE the utilitarian value of the polygraph. I learned something REAL INTERESTING about polygraphs last year and have seen the same thing numerous times around here. Did you know that MANY people confess BEFORE the polygraph? People would rather confess than be found lying, so just the idea of taking such a test can bring confessions. I have seen it happen so many times on this forum to my amazement!


FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin,The, April, 2005 by William J. Warner

I agree that the threat of the poly may be enough. What would be more threatening... "I want you to take one" or "WE'RE HERE, GET OUT OF THE CAR". I think the confession will come in the parking lot.

you may be right!

JK, I am so sorry too.

I highly recommend going through with the lie detector test, even if you feel like you don't care anymore. Later on down the road, you'll wish you had. Just do it and get it over with.

My H was sooooo convincing when he told me there was nothing else to tell, even after seeing my pain from the first betrayals from all the lies. It took me about 3 months to schedule the test after he agreed to take one because I was just so embarrassed to do it. My H didn't seem to be bothered by it coming.....until I made the appt.

I guess he was playing my bluff. Figuring he'd hold out unless he had to spill for a test. He was gambling, and lost. He could have earned some trust had he told me everything before I was forced to do a test. Just because he finally took the test, it didn't really make me appreciate him for it. He stretched out the lies and the pain, and that is hard to reconcile.

Let you husband do this. Otherwise, if you bring up this bra incident or questions about his past affair later, he'll probably get upset and tell you that you should have gotten him tested so quit b1tching kind of thing.

Also, Mel is completely right about confessions coming out even before the test. My H is living proof of that one. His confessions started immediately after the test was scheduled, and he gave me three more d-days before the actual test. I was mortified to say the least. Oh yeah, and after each one, he said "that's all there is".

I also think it's not a terribly bad idea to go to the test without him knowing it's coming, but get there about 45 minutes early so that he can confess stuff if he's going to. Also, getting there early with you won't allow him the time to take any drugs to try to beat the test.

And I would most certaintly ask anyone in the household about that bra.

I wish you well during this time. Take care of yourself, don't forget to do that.

Jk, you might want to consider one more thing.

You could be daydreaming one day and glance over at him and say, "Honey, if I ever did schedule a lie dector test, have you ever thought about what questions I may ask"? But don't give him your questions. This way, he'll have to mentally take the time to go through his mind, hopefully, of all and any things he may need to tell you, so that when you arrive at the test unexpectedly, he should be able to recall what he has that is still untold to you. Just a thought.

Where do you even schedule a test? The police dept?

Not sure I would even know where to go!!

The police department here wouldn't do it for a private citizen. I actually had to scan the internet and yellow pages. I found a retired officer here in town who had previously worked with sex offenders.

She came to my house with her equipment and spent 3 hours doing it. I paid #350.00

But make sure you do a lot of internet research ahead of time so that you'll know what to expect and what the different outcomes mean.

Lawyers may have referrals too.

I have a bit of a different take on what he said.

1. He WAS being honest with you and thus it wasn't important because he thought you believed him

2. He was gaslighting you and this is the start of a new snow job.

Best course, imho, is to simply tell him he has three days to schedule one and you get to go with him. Allow a reasonable date for the appointment, but insist that he has three days to actually MAKE the appointment.

Don't tell him it really didn't matter; that is female talk and he wouldn't understand. I barely do and I worked harder than most guys to understand female speak.

Larry

This is what I fear, Mopey. I have felt for a long time that there is more to the story than Ive ever gotten. In my gut, I suspect that this was not his first indiscretion.

My H volunteered to take the polygraph 6 months ago, he volunteered to set it up. He has willingly agreed to a post nup that came up in a casual conversation. So, I ask myself - would someone that is hiding something do that? And then, months go by - no polygraph is scheduled, no further discussion of drawing up a post nup is brought up and I start thinking, wtf? I start to see all of this as smoke and mirrors. I start to think that the last months have been a big sham.

Im embarassed, too. Last night, my H started looking up polygraph info and how to schedule one. I told him to forget it. I am just so humiliated. For him, for me. Its almost like I dont want him to go through that, for me. What the heck is wrong with me for thinking that??!!

Its very much on my mind that my H is calm now, but lets see how he would be if the test actually came around.

Kim-

How about this: Why don't you let him give you that gift of taking/arranging the poly, he's (attempting) to show you, with actions, that he's trust-worthy, that the last 2.5 years were not a sham. He believes you're worth that, do you?


OTOH, if he is lying, then you'll know what you're dealing with, and can take action.


Do not chose inaction because you're embarrassed, just think, if he's being truthful, you're giving yourself relief instead of embarrassment, if he's not, then you're giving yourself truth.

It's a win-win in my book.

GL!

Well, she would if she were in my family. My tiny daughter and I both are well endowed. Some sort of mutant gene because everyone else in the family is flat-chested. We have 'wrap around' breasts that start far enough back that you don't always recognize the fact that they are that big. Trust me, there are 13 year old girls who wear D bras.

I just caught up JK. Sorry you are going through this turmoil.

I think you need to let/make your H take that polygraph. For your sake if he is lying, and for his sake if he is not. You deserve and need to know the reality of your situation.

It is not your fault that you do not trust him. He threw that away and his efforts have not been sufficient to restore trust. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR NOT TRUSTING HIM! He lied to you and cheated on you, you have every reason not to trust him.

The bra you found, it may have nothing to do with him. That doesn't matter. What matters is that you don't know if he's telling the truth or not. Find out, and in the process find out everything else that has been nagging at you. Knowing will help you make the right decision.

Tyk

Yep. My H enthusiastically agreed to take a polygraph. No arguments, or justifications from him. He actually seemed happy about it. He is allegedly setting it up.

Here is what I dont get. He agreed to this on Sunday. Since Sunday, he has done nothing to set it up. Nothing.

I mean, if it were me, Id be running to get this done and not only prove my innocence, but more importantly, give my spouse some relief.

I dont understand why he wouldnt do the same, unless, of course, he is lying and just buying time.

JK,

Make the appt and be done with it. Your H sees that his offer goes unchallenged for 6 mos so he will likely continue to do this in all aspects of your marriage if he knows you will let things go. When you find a place to do the polygraph, call and get 2 or 3 possible dates and times (in the near future here not someday far, far away.) Tell your H to pick one since you will be calling to confirm tomorrow. No more excuses.

Kim:

It almost sounds like your a bit afraid to find out the truth.

Set it up yourself and just drive him there without telling him what you are doing. The confession will come in the parking lot or he will chicken out in the parking lot. Either way, you have your answer.

TMI!! TMI!! cinder!!

But I agree. I went to school with someone that size or so. Larger, I think. I felt bad for her, especially when she played basketball. Of COURSE the guys didn't mind! :RollieEyes:

But yeah, why don't you go ahead and schedule that test yourself, JK. How does that saying go? "We all must do what we must do...for if we do not...what we must do will NOT GET DONE!"

Charlotte