Hi all,
I've been reading posts for a while now, but have yet to find anything like what I'm going through. I will start with a bit about myself. I am 34, H is 35, married 11 years, together 14, and have 4 children. It all started about a month ago, I saw a message on his msn from a girl saying that "this is what I'm talking about, you are pushing me away, you're too nice to say it, and goodbye." I found that strange. Then, about 2 weeks later, I was talking on his phone to my brother in law, and someone kept calling. He took the phone, yelled at them, then his tone of voice changed (I should mention that his native language is not English) and he was talking as if it was a male, saying, "why are you calling so many times when you know I have another line!!" his tone of voice changed, and he asked if there was a problem. I don't know why, but that made me feel weird about the whole call. Needless to say, I started to check his email everyday. About 4 days later, I found 5 emails from a girl that he had in the trash, but didn't completely delete. She was saying that she loves him, and begging him not to cancel something (nothing specific). She begged him to call her or email her. Of course I flipped out. I just couldn't understand it. He is always at home, never takes calls into another room or anything like that, treats me great. He said that she was a co-worker and that they would talk, but she developed feelings for him. He said he made a mistake by not cutting off all contact the minute she expressed feelings, but that it is nothing, he loves me, can't live without me and all that. He promised to delete her email, phone number and anything else. (which he did, I checked). My problem is, I can't help but wonder why she would say she loves him and all of that if nothing happened. H said that she wanted more, he told her he is happily married and to leave him alone. I sent her an email telling her to leave my husband and my marriage alone, no reply. What should I do?

It IS possible that someone could be in love with him without anything taking place. POSSIBLE. Likely? Not so much.

I hope you uncover what you need to know.

1. It's not an unusual situation

2. Your H is likely lying to you - women don't go around professing their love to someone like that unless there was some attachment involved.

3. It's time for more snooping - look for the Spying 101 thread on this forum. While your H might be innocent, it's more likely that he's much better at covering his tracks than you think he is.

4. Are they still working together? Is the OW M'd? If this really IS an A, you should start working on the list of people that it needs to be exposed to.

I agree with everything MiM said.

He's probably been more involved w/her than he's admitted.

Can you still get a copy of the emails from the trash?
What about from the sent messages folder?

Get some hard proof and go see OW's husband. Tell him his W is in an affair with your H and show him the emails.

Install a key logger on the PC(s) if you have to.

Oh, one other thing - do you have access to the cellphone records? Can you see if there are a lot of calls/texts to anyone in particular?

Why'd he delete if it's so innocent?

Did you check in the "sent" folder to see if he replied to anything?

I agree with the others... start snooping.

Yep, what the others said.

Your sitch is NOT unusual - right from the Affair 101 book.

If she's married - EXPOSE to her husband immediately....

Sorry - I don't see flags revealing an affair.... yet. Not with what she's said.

There are women out there who target a man because of his stature, looks, personality, regardless of his marital stature. They are the stalker kind.

But just to be sure, keep your thoughts to yourself, consider hiring a PI - and when this comes to light with your husband, just tell him you were worried that she's a stalker - women don't say the love a man unless they believe it's returned, or they think the revelation will awaken something in the target of their affections.

Don't just jump to the conclusion that he's encouraged her. He might just be dense as to her intentions.

Let's do a little more research before we jump to the affair 101 conclusion.

I know someone who was diagnosed as schizophrenic by a premed student with exactly that much training in psychology - a 101 class. Problem is, once he stuck that label on the guy, even the professionals with experience saw the same diagnosis... until they medicated, bad reaction, three days later ran the tests, no schizo!

So there could be "no affair" - just a sick woman.

KA, you are a voice of reason.

You're 100% right about labels and how dangerous they can be. Reminds me of the movie "Proof" where the brilliant Dad kind of went nuts and then everyone expected his brilliant daughter to go nuts too. They kept seeing "evidence" and practically MADE her nuts by the way they treated her.

You're right, it could be a stalker person, or an unstable person.
I think I'd see if the H defends her or is disturbed by her actions. That will say a lot.

I had a stalker once when I was in High School. It's no fun.

I do think that you need to keep spying though.

The fact that he deleted the emails is a .

When I had a stalker...she didn't just crawl out from under a rock and start to follow me around for no reason (I started a relationship, then tried to end it...but she wanted no part of the "ending" part). This is usually how these things start (with 2 people). He may be trying to end it, and she won't let him, but chances are he had something to do with starting it.

JMHO

I agree with all here that you should keep vigilant, just so that if it is something other than what he portrays it to be you can work to get it out in the open and work on repairing the damage.

But I do want to share a story from about three years ago.

I worked in an office with a girl about ten years younger than myself. the whole office was very close and because we weren't corporate or anything we were pretty loosey goosey with our e-mails and general interraction. This girl was married, but there was a single guy there that always flirted with her. One afternoon she comes into my office a mess.

She starts to tell me that she and X had been trading the usual professional and casual e-mails, but that his had turned a little weird. When she had nicely tried to ignore it he had started waiting to walk her out, waiting in the parking lot in the morning...etc you get the idea.

Of course like I would have done with a child I said, make sure you are being completely honest with me. Show me all of your mail from the last couple of months etc.

The line was apparent and he had stepped over it. At this point he was beginning to call her. I asked her if she had told her husband. She was scared to, because he had always told her that she was way to friendly and open. She was a lovely girl and her boundaries were probably a little too loose, but it was so apparent that she had not meant anything beyond the usual friendly banter.

End of this story being, she did have to tell her husband and they had to change their phone #'s etc. The guy had to be let go. I ran into her a few months later and she told me that the guy had written her a goodbye letter and stuck it under her front door, professing his love for her and how deeply she had wounded him. She promptly took it to the police, but as far as I know that is all that ever came of it.

There are some weird freaks in this world. Desperate people...desperate for someone to love them. I can only hope that this is the case with your H. Although I'm not sure which is better...a bunnyboiling stalker or an A....LOL

I wouldn't throw out the stalker idea immediately. Yes, he deleted the emails from his inbox but not from his computer. Does he typically keep his inbox empty or does he have 100's of old emails? He may not have said anything in case he sounded alarmist and/or he could be embarrassed about it. Like Intro says, it probably didn't happen instantaneously, but he didn't necessarily do anything to encourage it.

I have my own personal creepy guy at work that borderline harasses me. He has never called me at home (he doesn't have my number) but he comes into my office to "chat" way too frequently and doesn't respond to non-so-subtle hints that he's unwelcome. You could tell he was beside himself with glee when I got separated and he stepped up in his advances. I was *this close* to filing an official complaint but it was so embarassing. I kept trying "one more time" to put a stop to it but the guy is socially retarded and just didn't get it. I was outright rude even - didn't matter. He eventually backed off when I told him I had a BF and we were going away for the weekend. It was the first ever personal thing I had ever told him about myself and I didn't elaborate in anyway what the situation truly was - I let him think the worst. He still comes around from time to time but I suspect he's moved on to somebody else. I'm not the only one who thinks he's creepy.

In any case, do what you can to investigate this first before you make accusations. Having a stalker sucks.

Sorry it took so long to get back, so first off, I would like to thank everyone for their advice. Now for an update:

I installed mobilespy on his phone, 4 days ago found out that he called her, then she sent him a message about how she wishes he could hug her and sit on his lap and watch tv, needless to say, I flipped out. I confronted him 2 days later, he denied everything, I told him I knew they had contact, then he admitted it, but said it was only to tell her to leave him alone. Before I didn't involve any outsiders, but this time was too much for me. I told him mom and his sister. They immediatly confronted him, he told them both that nothing was going on, they were just friends, he made a mistake, he loves me and blah blah blah. He said he never talked to her since I found out 2 weeks ago, until 4 days ago, but he knew I sent her emails telling her to leave my marriage alone. I said, do you expect me to believe you had no contact, then all of a sudden she calls you to tell you I sent her emails 2 weeks ago, THEN she sends a text about missing him? PLEASE!! How stupid does he think I am? I tried to call her, she didn't answer, the coward. So I sent her a message (background info; we live in a very conservative Arab country, she and my husband are both from this country, I am American) and I told her that I will ruin her reputation, her name, and all that stuff (which here, is a HUGE deal). She sent my husband another message telling him she was Downstairs (meaning at his work?) He still denys that. So today she sent me 2 messages, after I told her that she isn't a woman, she's a homewrecker and all that stuff). She said that nothing was going on, she knows he loves me and our kids, she has a BF and will be engaged in 2 weeks, and it was nothing and it is over. Now, I seem to have successfully made it clear that if she contacts him, all he11 will break loose. Now I just have a few questions:

1. Should I continue asking my H what exactly happened in order for her to declare her love?

2. How can I get him to answer me?

3. How can I stop feeling so horrible about the whole thing?

I told him that there must be a problem in our marriage if he can talk to another woman, he insists that there isn't. He says he loves me, can't live without me, made a huge mistake, and feels like death is better than what is going on now. What should I do?

Oh, and I cannot believe this "she fell in love with me, she's psycho" thing. I cannot believe that there wasn't something being said between them that would make her feel safe enough to say those things to him. How can I begin recovery if I can't make him tell the truth? I know he doesn't want to hurt me more than he did, he's afraid. He was a bit angry that I told his mom and sis, but I told him it's not my fault, and I had no other choice, this is my life, my marriage, and my kids he is playing with.

YIKES! Well you can't trust him. That is for sure. Do they still work together? Because if they do, that will be a HUGE problem. To recover the marriage, they need to have no contact forever.

You say you live in an Arab country - if you expose her, will she get stoned to death?

No, they no longer work together, his sister also works at the same place and she told me, I'm not even sure if they worked together in the first place. We are in a conservative society, and even dating is considered unacceptable. I don't know how her family would react, but it would ruin her reputation, and possible chances for marriage in the future. It is not the same here as in America, family name, honor and respect are EXTREMEly important. She is scared to death that I will tell people about her. I still don't know how to make my H talk to me and tell me the truth. Where do I go from here?

You can't even begin to recover until you find out what that HUGE mistake was, all of it. And because he actually said huge mistake there is a lot he is not telling you and has already lied about.

He cannot be trusted. You are going to have to keep snooping. Do not believe what he says, watch his actions.

I'm afraid you are going to have to live through more of the same until the whole truth comes out.

Hi Psssd...

Yes it does sound as if you need to get to some truth. Keep pursuing that for sure until you can get what you need.

In the meantime though, I know you want to hurt her, but as you mentioned that you live in an Arab country embarassing her could be the least of what happens to her. Please tread lightly, as you do not want to be responsible for something potentially fatal happening to another person.

Please try and remember that it is your H that has done whatever outside of your marriage. As much as you want to lay blame on her, it is ultimately he that broke your vows.

You also risk the wrath of her family if you ruin her life. You live there and you know how things happen there.

Focus on your marriage and not her. She is not your problem. Unless of course she really is a stalker and your H is trying to stay away from her. Then I guess going to the authorities would be the proper course of action.

I don't know how her family would react, that's why I haven't exposed her as of yet, only threatened too, but I still need to know how I can make him tell me the truth. We've barely been on speaking terms for 3 days, and when I do try to question him, he only says it was nothing, not what I think, and he doesn't know what to say. I don't know how to deal with this. He says that they were only friends, it was 'fun' talking to her. How do I start recovery? Am I supposed to just stop asking him and pretend that because they both said there will be no contact, just go on with our lives like nothing ever happened? I am so hurt, angry, and confused! I will continue to monitor him, but now my biggest problem is that we have no read communication. I tried talking to him rationally, calmly, and so on, but he just sits there not saying a word, except the occasional "sorry" and "I made a mistake", and "I don't expect you to believe me". HELP!!!

How did he explain this?

Honestly "best case scenerio" your H was looking for admiration, and found fatal attraction. Again thats best case.

Realistically it's a full blown A.

First thing you need to do is quit blowing up when you gather new intel. If you can't control that, you will quickly lose your source. In this case the cell phone. They WILL find other ways of contact.

Do you have phone records to indicate the number of calls, and the length of conversations? If your H is having 30 minute conversations with OW it's kind of difficult to "claim" he's trying to dump a pycho...

Again, stay claim and plan everything. NO BLOWING UP!
"As hard as that is, it's key".

-JKT

Believer, That's too cute!

It is unfortunate, but sometimes it does happen in this part of the world. Not so much in this country, but it can happen.

psssd...I was pretty lucky in that mine started disclosing immediately and it became an immediate crisis that we began dealing with. I think many on here have been through what you have been through with regard to feeling as if they were not getting the truth.

If mine had happened differently I would have done as suggested and witheld until I had something that could not have been disputed. At that point I would hope that my H would have been ready to do what he did to start with.

As someone said earlier....best case scenario is that maybe he crossed a boundary but not to the worst case scenario and that she has taken it to another level. You will never know unless you have some hard evidence.

I am not one to believe in policing other adults and have been criticized for it on here, but like I said, I knew what I was dealing with from the moment I became aware of the A. I never had to do any research or spying, but there are lots of others on here that have had to resort to it for their own peace of mind.

Good luck to you!

I just don't know what to do. We are living like nothing happened, he is always kissing me, wants sex, nothing in that dept. changed, but I feel like there is a huge elephant in the room with us. He is home right after work and stays, but we only sit and watch tv or if we do talk, it's about trivial things. About 3 days ago, I told him that I know he doesn't want to talk about it now, but that there will come a time when he has too, for me. He said he knows. I know he's hoping that time will never come. I sent him a "Joseph's Letter", and I know he read it because I saw it open in on the laptop screen. He has made no mention of getting it at all. I have been open to the affection, and have not said anything, but the day before yesterday, afterwards, I just looked at him and cried. He asked me why I was crying, and I didn't answer. He gave me a knowing look and just told me he loves me. How long am I supposed to continue like this?

There IS an elephant in the room with you.
At least he acknowledges it with love, I get huge sighs.