Badly need snooping ideas - 09/28/08 07:49 PM
It actually hurts my heart to ask these questions, but I think I will lose my mind if I don't get some input here.
My husband is less than transparent with me. Since the A, he has lied to me about a number of things that have nothing to do with an A, but they have nevertheless done nothing but decrease my trust and respect for him. He always says he's sorry, but then he finds something else to lie about.
My #1 EN is Openness and Honesty. He and I have had this discussion repeatedly. I've honestly tried everything I know to deal with his dishonesty and I think I am almost to the end of the rope. I can tell him that but it just does not seem to have any meaning for him.
Lately, I have been having odd inklings that something may be up again. Maybe an A or the beginnings of one. I could be wrong. I hope with all my heart I am wrong.
I have never told our whole story here because it truly is unusually complicated in the details. And for the most part it was a common garden-variety affair.
To greatly condense it, my H has a disability that prevents him from driving. I drive him to work(round trip 86 miles). He has been looking for a different job since we got married, but the truth is that his disability is making it impossible to find one. If he quits this job or loses it for any reason, the liklihood is that he will not find another one. He has HUGE medical needs that we NEED to be covered by insurance. At this point in time, quitting his job is NOT an option. Period. It has been considered seriously, other options looked into and we can not come up with another solution.
Also, moving is not a possibility right now either, for countless reasons. I am truly giving you the Reader's Digest version of this and hope that for the moment at least that you will accept that I am not just refusing to consider other options. Actually, the only place we could even consider moving AT ALL would put us very close to the OW. Not going to happen.
She works in the same building. The building is HUGE. They have no incidental contact. In order to have contact he would have to seek her out. She is unable to seek him out given the nature of her job and her lack of proximity to his area. I know THESE things to be fact.
His A took place almost exclusively at work. The one exception was a time when *I* actually drove him to meet her(of course, I thought he was doing something else). And once, when I drove him to work but he had called off and took a bus to see her, once I was out of sight. He was then back where he belonged by the time I picked him up and I was none the wiser. And of course, cell phone time too.
When it ended, it ended. I think. I have been diligent about checking the cell phone and he did not even carry it for 7 months. I call him unexpectedly at work and he has always been where he's supposed to be.
My problem though is that I have caught him in other lies and I was dumfounded. I had no idea. I realize that he has become a very skilled liar and that he has learned how to throw me off the track very well.
My current concern is that he feels very distant from me again. He has no trouble not talking to me for hours at a time and is often non-responsive when I talk to him. He does not respond to affectionate overtures(I don't mean SF, just affection).
And his interest in SF is very low. When he does initiate, it feels as though he has to spend a lot of time talking himself into it. He was JUST like that during the A. I have not said one word to him about my worries because I know he would lie about it anyway. I think I am going to have to figure it out on my own.
Here's my problem. Snooping. I am looking for any suggestions for things I have not thought of. He works in a secure building. No one gets in without access. I have considered a PI to watch through certain windows, but anyone who is ever around this building seeming to be watching is questioned. People with cameras are watched for and banned from the site and surrounding areas. This is not a government building. Just a very secure one.
He changes into his uniform at work. His workplace cleans his uniforms.
He does not use a computer or e-mail, either at work or at home.
I have considered the possiblity that he has a secret cellphone that he keeps at work, but don't know how to find out. He does not have an office. He has a lot of "free time" at work, when he can be off doing something. He doesn't have to account for all his time in a specific way. He can say general things about where he's been and what he's been doing. It really is the nature of his position. That's how he managed to have an A without many people knowing.
Sorry for the length. I realized that more background was necessary.
I am really looking for ANY ideas that ANYONE can give me in regards to snooping in this situation. I have hit a brick wall here and am willing to listen to anything that anyone might suggest.
Thank you and Blessings,
WH2LE
My husband is less than transparent with me. Since the A, he has lied to me about a number of things that have nothing to do with an A, but they have nevertheless done nothing but decrease my trust and respect for him. He always says he's sorry, but then he finds something else to lie about.
My #1 EN is Openness and Honesty. He and I have had this discussion repeatedly. I've honestly tried everything I know to deal with his dishonesty and I think I am almost to the end of the rope. I can tell him that but it just does not seem to have any meaning for him.
Lately, I have been having odd inklings that something may be up again. Maybe an A or the beginnings of one. I could be wrong. I hope with all my heart I am wrong.
I have never told our whole story here because it truly is unusually complicated in the details. And for the most part it was a common garden-variety affair.
To greatly condense it, my H has a disability that prevents him from driving. I drive him to work(round trip 86 miles). He has been looking for a different job since we got married, but the truth is that his disability is making it impossible to find one. If he quits this job or loses it for any reason, the liklihood is that he will not find another one. He has HUGE medical needs that we NEED to be covered by insurance. At this point in time, quitting his job is NOT an option. Period. It has been considered seriously, other options looked into and we can not come up with another solution.
Also, moving is not a possibility right now either, for countless reasons. I am truly giving you the Reader's Digest version of this and hope that for the moment at least that you will accept that I am not just refusing to consider other options. Actually, the only place we could even consider moving AT ALL would put us very close to the OW. Not going to happen.
She works in the same building. The building is HUGE. They have no incidental contact. In order to have contact he would have to seek her out. She is unable to seek him out given the nature of her job and her lack of proximity to his area. I know THESE things to be fact.
His A took place almost exclusively at work. The one exception was a time when *I* actually drove him to meet her(of course, I thought he was doing something else). And once, when I drove him to work but he had called off and took a bus to see her, once I was out of sight. He was then back where he belonged by the time I picked him up and I was none the wiser. And of course, cell phone time too.
When it ended, it ended. I think. I have been diligent about checking the cell phone and he did not even carry it for 7 months. I call him unexpectedly at work and he has always been where he's supposed to be.
My problem though is that I have caught him in other lies and I was dumfounded. I had no idea. I realize that he has become a very skilled liar and that he has learned how to throw me off the track very well.
My current concern is that he feels very distant from me again. He has no trouble not talking to me for hours at a time and is often non-responsive when I talk to him. He does not respond to affectionate overtures(I don't mean SF, just affection).
And his interest in SF is very low. When he does initiate, it feels as though he has to spend a lot of time talking himself into it. He was JUST like that during the A. I have not said one word to him about my worries because I know he would lie about it anyway. I think I am going to have to figure it out on my own.
Here's my problem. Snooping. I am looking for any suggestions for things I have not thought of. He works in a secure building. No one gets in without access. I have considered a PI to watch through certain windows, but anyone who is ever around this building seeming to be watching is questioned. People with cameras are watched for and banned from the site and surrounding areas. This is not a government building. Just a very secure one.
He changes into his uniform at work. His workplace cleans his uniforms.
He does not use a computer or e-mail, either at work or at home.
I have considered the possiblity that he has a secret cellphone that he keeps at work, but don't know how to find out. He does not have an office. He has a lot of "free time" at work, when he can be off doing something. He doesn't have to account for all his time in a specific way. He can say general things about where he's been and what he's been doing. It really is the nature of his position. That's how he managed to have an A without many people knowing.
Sorry for the length. I realized that more background was necessary.
I am really looking for ANY ideas that ANYONE can give me in regards to snooping in this situation. I have hit a brick wall here and am willing to listen to anything that anyone might suggest.
Thank you and Blessings,
WH2LE