We've made it through the first year!!! HOORAY! I've been told the first year is the hardest part. I pray that is true.
To rebuild, you first have to tear down. That's a rather painful endeavor. I had to tear down walls that I had placed to protect me during tst's affair and our separation. It was a frightening thought. But I knew that recovery could not happen if I didn't tear them down. And tst made it safe for me to do so. tst took all I had in me...all my hurt, all my anger, all my sorrow, all my grief. He never once backed away from it. Never once. And because of that, I was able to reach the point of not wanting to lash out at him. It was a gradual process, and at times, I'd stack a few bricks back up...because I was afraid. Once in awhile, I still find myself picking up a brick. It takes time.
tst has done so much this year to bring healing to me and to our children. I wish all BS's could have a FWS like him. Sadly, our situation is not the norm.
We implemented Dr. H's program through counseling with Jennifer. tst has become an even better husband than he was before the affair (and I had 18 wonderful years with him pre-affair). I do believe that I am the most important person in the world to him today.
It still has been a hard year. There were times I didn't want him to meet any of my ENs, and there were times when I just wanted to run away from all the pain. There were times I am sure he saw pure rage in my eyes. I am sure, too, that at times he saw just how shattered my heart was. We have had very painful moments this past year, but each one has been a step toward rebuilding our family.
This past year has been filled with great days...even the painful ones. I see the man I loved, the man I told you all about. But he's different. He is sweetly broken and wholly surrendered, just as I prayed he would be.
Through Christ we both have found forgiveness, grace, and mercy in abundance. And Christ makes it possible to do what I could not do on my own. As MelodyLane posted over and over to me during tst's affair...smb, remember, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Thank you all for walking through the fire with me. In the nights I wanted to die, I came here and there was always someone (Melody, MEDC, ACE, MichelleG, Schoolbus, and many, many more) who held my hand through the valley of the shadow of death.
What has happened in our marriage is certainly to the glory of God.
smb,
What a tribute your faith in God and to the MB methods!
I'm so glad that you two are doing well. Your life together after an affair can be blessed. When I tell people on the boards that this is possible, it is wonderful to have yet another story to point to and say:
There is hope - read, follow the methods, pray, and stay on a plan.
SB
This is really inspiring. I hope Iam able to post something similar in 11 months.
Bravo to you and tst, SMB!
I am so happy for you two. And yes, the first year IS the hardest... passing all those year markers (triggers). You guys rock. Your DH has proven himself... to his family and to us here on MB.
(((SMB and TST)))
Mazel Tov to the both of you. It couldn't happen to a nicer or more deserving couple who were willing to do the work.
You inspire so many.
MEDC, you dance so well.
That's my Happy Dance for my happy friends. (Actually, I am a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dancer).
Thank you, SB, Mel, PM, MEDC, Queenie. You all hold a very special place in my heart.
truth_hertz,
Work the Plans fully. Do not pick and choose what parts you want to work. And pray.
You will survive this.
Way to go! This is wonderful news. Somehow I always believed you two would be a MB success story. Thank you for being an encouragement to all of us!
Heartiest congratulations SMB and TST
(((((SMB & TST)))))
SMB,
I wasn't one who was their during the worst of it, in fact I didn't come on till Dec. 08, deep in my own darkest hour. Yours was the first thread I read from beginning to end. In fact, when I was only "lurking", I followed some of the same advice that was given to you......
Anywho, your story was one of such inspiration and HOPE. Something I really and truly needed at the time. Thank you.....
And now reading your progress this first year, again, I am drawn to what you went through. And am so incrediably happy that you made it through.....CONGRADULATIONS.....
May you and TST continue on your road and may the darkness fade.....
not2fun
Just reading tonight, feeling kinda sad but not sure why. Anyways I tried to click on your story part 1 and 2 in your signature and it's not there.
Do you have another link where I can read it?
Trying
feeling kinda sad but not sure why.
I received a card once that described grief as a wave. You never know when it comes, just that it does and it hurts and you have to ride it out.
I'm sorry you are hurting. I do understand. I also know you will get through it and come out stronger for the pain. Not sure why, and wish it wasn't that way.
Queenies,
Thanks, your right. Ride it out, guess I should take up surfin! Not really sure why I felt sad, had good Plan A weekend feel free to read my post, but I really wanted to read SMB's story.
I like reading success stories to help encourage me. I thought I should read as much as possible before I go to my PB on 22nd.
Still want to read SMB's thread, thought it would help.
Hey, SMB, (or was it DLR originally)?
How's it going?
Ace
P.S. Thanks for sharing. Even though I was a newbie and knew nothing, I cared enough to merely ask how you were doing and I'm glad you were brave enough to keep seeking.
Queenies,
but I really wanted to read SMB's story.
I like reading success stories to help encourage me. I thought I should read as much as possible before I go to my PB on 22nd.
Still want to read SMB's thread, thought it would help.
T2L,
Sorry, I need to delete those old links. They stopped working when they updated the boards a long while back. I haven't been here much, so I forgot about it.
Try this:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1893552&fpart=43Work the plans; and never cease praying.
SMB,
I'm very happy for both of you that things have worked out for you.
I have a question for you. I think the answer to this could be a benefit to those who do things when they feel everything is over.
How did you address the issue in regard to your sexual relationship with the guy you met while tst was in his A? I know that complicated the situation. I didn't see anything mentioned about it in your post and I do believe reading about what else you had to do to get in the right direction may help people who think about having a RA.
Your post was all about what tst is doing (which is great, btw), I'm just curious what you have done and are doing to make that part better for him?
LC
SMB,.......
Your post was all about what tst is doing (which is great, btw), I'm just curious what you have done and are doing to make that part better for him?
LC
LC,
I would like to answer this. Forgive me if I oversimplify it a bit by using one of Dr. Harley's statements;
"If you are willing to permanently end your relationship with your lover (never see or communicate with him again), get through withdrawal, and then you and your husband follow the Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery, I guarantee you that you will have a great marriage. And I also guarantee you that neither of you will ever suffer through an affair again." We have applied and followed the "Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery" as a team. SMB has put a great deal of effort into recovering our marriage. She showed me grace and love and forgiveness in spite of what my actions truly deserved. Extending forgiveness to SMB has been easy given the example of undeserved grace she extended to me.
SMB, thanks so much for the links! I am opening them now!
BTW Congrats to both of you I am so happy for you!
I am praying without ceasing for sure, have to LOL.
I am an associate Pastor at my church of 15 years(H was too!) Found out no one is immune for Adultery. Thanks for the encouragement, gonna read your story now!
Again, congrats and many happy and blessed years to you both!
LC,
I would like to answer this. Forgive me if I oversimplify it a bit by using one of Dr. Harley's statements;
"If you are willing to permanently end your relationship with your lover (never see or communicate with him again), get through withdrawal, and then you and your husband follow the Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery, I guarantee you that you will have a great marriage. And I also guarantee you that neither of you will ever suffer through an affair again."
We have applied and followed the "Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery" as a team. SMB has put a great deal of effort into recovering our marriage. She showed me grace and love and forgiveness in spite of what my actions truly deserved. Extending forgiveness to SMB has been easy given the example of undeserved grace she extended to me.
tst,
Thanks for answering. I sort of wondered if you felt responsible for her doing what she did, therefore it made it "easier" to forgive. I can't say from experience, but knowing how I am, if my DH had had a RA I know I would have felt responsible even though rationally I know the choice would have be his. IOW, I would have been more forgiving under the circumstances, most likely due to guilt.
Of course in the end, as you and I are both aware, we all have to own our own stuff and I was hoping SMB did own hers. I have to admit I was surprised she didn't mention it and it made me wonder if she owned it or not.
LC
SMB,
How did you address the issue in regard to your sexual relationship with the guy you met while tst was in his A?
As I said in my original post, WE implemented the MB program through counseling with Jennifer.
I know that complicated the situation.
Yes, it did complicate the situation; but not to the extent that most people had assumed. Our recovery was still much easier (if you can even use that word to describe recovery) than most recoveries I see here on this board because the alien that had assaulted our family was finally gone and we BOTH were willing to do our part to recover our marriage...and we were both willing to offer each other grace.
I would say that the biggest "complication" was that it did cause tst more guilt. And his guilt was already overwhelming him physically as well as emotionally. He lives with the reality that his affair led to his abandoning his family, which led to me being in a position to be open to an affair. I live with the fact that I lost all hope and gave up on the miracle God had planned for me, just weeks before it happened. tst (as well as me) knows that I chose to have the affair and there were other choices to be made. But we did cover this months ago on our original threads. THIS thread was suppose to be an update about where we are TODAY, and not about where we've been.
I didn't see anything mentioned about it in your post and I do believe reading about what else you had to do....
I'm not sure what else you want to know. As I said, we implemented the MB program.
to get in the right direction may help people who think about having a RA.
I don't think my story would help anyone considering a revenge affair. I was never involved in a revenge affair. An RA implies that the goal is to get revenge. I was just totally hopeless. I believed with all my heart that tst was never going to love me again.
Those here contemplating an RA are filled with anger/rage, not hopelessness. They want to hurt the WS as badly as they've been hurt, so the idea of a RA is appealing. They also believe that an affair WOULD actually HURT the WS. I never would have believed that me finding someone else would do anything to tst other than make him think, "Great, now she'll finally get her butt in gear with the divorce."
Your post was all about what tst is doing (which is great, btw), I'm just curious what you have done and are doing to make that part better for him?
It would be rather inappropriate for me to come here and brag about any actions I've taken. I was publicly admiring my FWS on a board where many had seen the very worst of him. My post was to let those who followed our story know that tst really is the wonderful man I told them about and was worth fighting tooth and nail for and to encourage the new people that WS's really can come out of the fog.
LC, what brought us healing WAS/IS all that tst did to heal my heart. tst did not live through 7 months of fog babble and history rewriting, or a false recovery, or his spouse leaving him (more than once) for OP. I was left lying on the cold floor sobbing as he told me I was a sh!tty wife, threatened to take my children away, and walked out the door and left me, and then did it all again a few months later. tst needed to help my heart heal. We both did what Jennifer told us to do. He was told to "nurse me back to health". He did it well. Jennifer helped me get triggers under control because THAT was my challenge, not OM.
This is a whole lot more than I wanted to discuss about the past on this thread, as tst and I try very hard to keep our eyes forward. I only responded to this because I sense that you are looking for a problem in our situation. It felt your post was more accusatory than inquiring. Not sure why. Don't really care either. WE know where we are.
Hey ACE!
You helped me a great deal just by checking in with me.
How are things with you?
Hey ACE!
You helped me a great deal just by checking in with me.
How are things with you?
So glad to hear your update, SMB. I prayed for you after you posted and then disappeared so quickly. It's nice to know that you realized so many of us cared enough to check up on you, not just me.
My FWH and I are doing great and I appreciate your asking. This thread is about your progress so I won't go into details but I think I might update the Mr. romAnCE Prequel thread I started somewhere on a forum below.
I appreciate your perspective on all you've overcome because it took great courage to come back here and confess that you had given up and allowed your own A. We all have our uniqueness (for lack of a better word) and I'm sure many BS's can be inspired that you and TST have shared that aspect of your situation.
Did you ever hear from Phoenix4, the gal who was also homeschooling? I pray for her, too but haven't seen anything from her since last year.
Again, glad to see your update.
Ace
SMB,
Nope I was not being accusatory at all I was just curious and felt you may have left out a piece of the puzzle for others who do not know your whole story because it did add a factor of something else you two had to overcome. I have to admit I am a bit surprised you took it that way, but that is what happens quite often with written words.
IMO, there isn't anything wrong with "bragging" (as you put it) about what you or anyone else has done to help rebuild their marriage. I wouldn't call it that, but we each have our own way of posting. I always like to hear about what others have done because every little bit of knowledge helps someone who is early on in rebuilding.
I was also not looking for any problems for you and tst and the thought never even crossed my mind, not sure where you got that idea, but it is what it is. I am sincerely happy for both of you because I remember the emotion in your posts when he left and I felt very sad for you and your children. I was happy for all of you when he returned and was willing to do everything needed to make things work.
LC
OK, LC. I just read it wrong then. Glad you're still in our corner.
Congrats to you and tst. Thanks for the link to your story. I've read about 2/3 of it so far but hope to finish the rest tonight. You two are blessed.
Congratulations you two! Your story is an inspiration to many!
Want2Stay