Now that we're getting past the A, I'm realizing exactly what has been taken from me. Some of the cherished memories from the last couple months were just a sham. And the foundation that our marriage was based on has been demolished.

WH had given me a necklace for Mother's Day after forgetting my birthday. The necklace is a heart with diamonds that says "I love you". I loved that necklace, but this morning when I went to put it on, I came to realize that it was just a cover-up. It really grates to think about how I was so happy and showing off to my "friend" - the OW. Once again played the fool.

And I'm feeling like we're basically divorced other than the paper. All the vows we took in the church and the personal vows we made to eachother were obliterated by the A. Especially when he says that in his head we were already over - the "Imaginary Divorce". We're doing good now and we're rebuilding, but I'm mourning the loss of our vows, our marriage and the memories.

Part of me realizes that this is a brand new start to build a stronger foundation and we'll be better than we were before, but it's still hard to get over what's been taken from me.

Is this normal for the BS? Is it just a phase and I'll get over it? Am I making it out to be more than it actually is?

Absolutely it is normal. You are now, finally, getting to deal with REALITY, after living through all the deception and lies.

I don't think its a phase, I think its necessary for the BS to work through this for themselves. Affairs change everything, recovery is not about putting things back together to how they were before the A. That marriage, it is GONE, you are right. Recovery is about finding a way to build a new marriage out of the wreakage of the old, and part of that process is the BS internalizing this new reality.

It is difficult especially at first. I'm about 15 months into recovery and am finally entering into a less cluttered, less troubled mindset.

So you won't exactly "get over it" so much as work your way through it.

Yes, your thoughts are normal.

For our 10th anniversary we're renewing our vows. And a new ring for me is being discussed.

We are now both the people we should have been when we got married. (Does that make sense.) For us personally, we now really get what those vows mean. We didn't "get it" when we got married. So now I want new vows.

Thank you - it's nice to hear that I'm normal at least some of the time.

In a small way I understood that nothing would be the same from the start, but it just hit me like a ton of bricks the other day and I've been trying to sort it out. I probably should have posted on here sooner and got some help.

Our counselor suggested that down the road we might want to renew our vows. At the time I though it was just to strengthen the bond, but now I realize that it's to signify the new marriage. That makes a lot of sense. And I can definitely see how the vows would mean that much more.

drgnfly,

Sounds normal to me.


I am wondering what happened to your husband starting a thread of his own?

He jumped onto yours for a day, then disappeared.

I would suggest he begin a thread and stay activly involved.

Sounds like thoughts in my own head.
Dont really like to apply the word Marriage to our current relationship but nothing else comes to mind either.
I am trying to be patient with myself until a definition comes to me, until then all I go with is I love my H .
If and when I feel ready for a renewal or re-marriage I will cross that bridge when I get there. I know many people here have renewd, gotten new rings etc and if I get there then I get there.
Right now I am not ready for it and dont plan on rushing into any "gesture" until it comes naturally.

Neither of us have posted for a while - we've been busy spending as much time together as possible outside of work. We're working hard at meeting each other's ENs and we've been doing good.

Me feeling this way has nothing to do with the last couple weeks of us being together other than I'm starting to feel "us" again and it brought back the memories of the past. Now memories of a past life that will no longer exist. Until I could feel more secure in working on our relationship, I couldn't get past the pain of the A. Now that I'm getting there, the pain of the past jumped up behind me and tackled me. I really wish all this stuff would stop ambushing me! :crosseyedcrazy:

I know I feel the exact same way. Except the "imaginary divorce" is reality to me since the vows that bound our marriage were broken. I am trying to work on building a new, better marriage (since I already feel divorced). It started with getting rid of my old ring and getting a new one. New vows, new marriage. It is still in the process. I think for me having that part of my life 'over' lets me try to move forward.

I still recommend H starts a thread of his own.

Your feelings are normal. During his A, my H gave me things like flowers and spa services so there is no tangible gift to see today. Now he wants to buy me a new ring, exchange vows, buy me Christmas gifts, etc. I'm not ready for the ring or vows. I want to have forgiven him before I do these things so who knows how far out those things are. I don't want a Christmas gift from him either. The first year of recovery is a painful time and I don't want to look back on a gift and remember his A when I look at it.

"The first year of recovery is a painful time and I don't want to look back on a gift and remember his A when I look at it."

black_raven, I felt that very same way, and still do from time to time. For the first two years, I couldn't look at any gift my H had given me in more than 30 years of marriage, old photos, hear my favorite songs, nor consider returning to vacation spots we'd visited before the A without feeling pain. Everything was stained. It all seemed like part of one big lie, a cruel joke, and the joke was on me. Seems like every BS can relate to this part of the road that drgnfly is starting down.

drgnfly, there's no way around this, over this, or under it. Just gotta weather it. What will help enormously is Skald's gentleness, his expressions of remorse, helping you through the triggers. It will go much easier on you if he is willing to do this, and I think he is. But the pain will linger. One of the consequences of an A that Skald couldn't have considered. Didn't have the frame of reference. He'll have his own pain, but for now it's YOURS he must address. Your wound is the deepest.

Building new memories, new healthy habits and staying on the MB path will help too. But there is one thing you can't rush...the passage of TIME. You will have to deal with the anniversary of d-day, and any other dates that were traumatic for you. You can't rush it, any more than you can produce a healthy baby in three months. Takes nine.

Just focus on the good things you can do, and deal with the bad, knowing the worst is further behind you every day.

You CAN do this. And you will.

RHW

Today was hard. I didn't think the holiday would bother me, but I guess I was wrong. I am thankful for us working on our R, but all the things that have happened this year seem to be overshadowing the good. Not only with the A, but in March one of my cousins died from an accident, two weeks later his brother was robbed and shot to death, and in between I lost my Grandma. It doesn't help to think back on those things and realize that the reason H wasn't very supportive during those times is because he was starting his EA. I'm really down on 2008 and can't wait for this year to be over.

Today I took down our wedding pictures and put them in the basement. I also deleted all the songs from my mp3 that I can't stand to hear anymore. The unity candle from our wedding is in the garbage. That part of my life is closed and isn't coming back. I need to get it out of my sight so maybe it won't trigger me and hopefully I can focus more on the future.

Another problem with Thanksgiving is we usually spend the week in Arizona visiting my parents, and enjoying the warm, sunny weather. This year I'm stuck in cold, dark, gray, snowy Upper Michigan. bleh

Sorry to be such a downer. I really didn't expect to be hit like this today. I should have expected something from reading so many others reactions to the important dates.

Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. I would just like to point out that you have no obligation to stay in this marriage if you don't want to. Recovery is not for everyone, no matter how much they think they want it. Your marriage will never be the way it was before.

So if you want a divorce you are more than entitled to one. I am saying this because I get the sense that you are feeling trapped. Maybe some time away to think what you really want would be useful for you. If you want to recover the M then you really need to be 100% sure and dedicated to building a new and better life, and be prepared for it to take at least 2 years.
Remember its YOUR decision.

Goodluck

RHW,

Quote

What will help enormously is Skald's gentleness, his expressions of remorse, helping you through the triggers. It will go much easier on you if he is willing to do this, and I think he is.

Skald is a writer. He is very manipulative with words - they are his sword. He is also very good at reading people and knowing what they want to hear, and using words to his best advantage. I have had many years of being stabbed with that sword. He has always been able to turn words around to make me feel like I'm the one that is wrong. He can say things in the most hurtful way possible. When we start talking about some of the things with the A and problems pre-A, if he starts getting defensive I end up getting hurt even more.

Last night we were talking and he got that "backed into a corner" feeling, and came out swinging with those words. Yes, I know this is verbal abuse. I didn't realize it until my counselor brought it to my attention. I had never thought of it that way because I always associated verbal abuse with calling people names and making them believe that they aren't worth anything. He has never said anything degrading about me. He turns my words around to make me feel like I was imagining the whole situation or I was the one that caused the problem in the first place. When I told him what the counselor said, he was shocked. At first he swung back with his words, but a couple days later he apologized and said that after looking back he came to realize that she is right, and since then he has been trying to change his ways. Unfortunately it is not something he can change overnight and sometimes he still doesn't recognize he's doing it until it's too late.

He can be gentle, and I know he feels great remorse, but I have a hard time talking to him and leaning on him when it might get me stabbed by his harsh words yet again.

The things he's said on this site are true. Maybe a bit prettied up, but true. He has a hard time expressing his true emotions, because he's spent most of his life suppressing his emotions to protect himself. He and I both know he needs to get prefessional help with this problem and until he does, it will be difficult for me to put myself out there.

On that note, I came to realize this morning that I let him make me feel that way. I let him talk to me that way. NO MORE. I WILL NOT let him do that to me anymore. I know what I am feeling and my feelings are valid. My take on any situation is valid - it's the way I see it. It may not always be right, but from now on, we will discuss it together and come to an agreement about the problem. I will NOT be manipulated by his words. I am an intelligent, strong woman and I am making the decision to stop letting him do that to me. If he starts up, I will tell him the conversation is over until he can control his emotions and talk to me like a civilized adult. I deserve more respect than that.

myfamilyilove,

Thank you for your reply. I DO want this marriage to work. FWH can be a real pain in the ***, and has done some terrible things he can never take back, but he is also a caring, strong, funny, corny (which I love), amazing person underneath the defensive exterior he's been wearing lately. We just have to get the armor off again and we'll be great. I'm getting out my tools and going to work. :twobyfour:

I also need to work on myself and get ME back. I've let myself get pushed to the back by my marriage, my daughter, my job, and my extended family. I've put all of them first and I need to take care of myself so I can be a stronger partner in this relationship.

I can't get my old marriage back and I don't want it anymore. Looking at those old pictures and the memories from that time aren't helping me move forward with our new life. I can't dwell on the past and work on the future at the same time. One of them has to go, and I choose to get rid of the past. It's time to move on, stop mourning my losses, pull up my big-girl panties and get to work!

Thank you,

drgnfly

drgnfly,

Do you think that the roller coaster has stopped simply because Skald has recommitted to you? That it could possibly be okay in a hurry because he's renounced OW and is taking real steps back to you?

How we all wish that could be the way it works!

But it's not. It will take many, many moons for you to recover from the deepest wound you've ever known, dealt by the person you trusted the most. Can you see the logic that it would HAVE to take a long time?

For now it would appear that what Skald must focus on is eliminating the love busters he creates with his WORDS--disrespectful judgments and angry outbursts. He must learn how to stop using his WORDS as weapons (defensive or otherwise) and turn them into tools of rebuilding his love for you, and your love for him. You will be super-sensitive to these things for a long time. He MUST get them under control. Perhaps you do too. I had my own share of work to do on that score...Although I am the writer in our family, FWH was a master at blameshifting and turning my (copious) words around on me. He doesn't do that anymore. Skald will break that habit too.

I applaud you on drawing a new boundary against DJs and AOs. Enforcing that boundary will help him grow a better way of being, for himself and for you. Just make sure you don't DJ or AO when you call him on it!

We never renewed vows or replaced my rings. However, we had one red ruby inserted into my wedding band to represent the emotional bloodshed and the passion of our recommitment. It was something I asked him to do not long after NC was established. I knew it would make me feel better, so he did it, although he really didn't understand what it meant to me at the time.

Today, my ring, like our marriage, is the same but different. We still live in the same house, but we live here very differently The years before our crisis still matter, just like the original diamonds in my ring do. We had a very real turning point, and it's all different now. But our history remains forever a part of us. I will never accept the idea that those 37 years were a total sham. We were both just unenlightened. Doesn't negate those years, just puts a new spin on 'em. Now they are blended with the new, wonderful, precious things we are building day by day.

That's what my one little ruby says to me.

Right Here Waiting

RHW,

I completely understand that the rollercoaster ride has just begun and will have many wonderful ups and horrific downs. I was just stating that skald is not as gentle and helpful to me during these times as you figured he would be. He even told me that he can't help me - he did it and it's done. He would prefer if we never talked about the A ever again and said it's one of his major LBs. How do I not talk or think about the A ever again so not to make an LB??

drgnfly

He "can't help you?" Ouch. "I did it and it's done."
Read: GET OVER IT. Any BS can feel for you. My FWH and I went through that too, as I'm sure have many others here.

It's early though, so it's likely that his "get over it already" attitude will soften as he lets you fill up his love bank and the remaining fog dissipates. He hasn't really looked at the results of his choices, wants to just bury them. Remember, NC is brand new here.

Just keep working the plan and hang on.

(((drgnfly)))

RHW

Just found out this morning that he's been checking out her MySpace page. He says he hasn't sent any messages and was just making sure she wasn't saying anything meant to hurt me, but he also said that he only visited it a couple times. The computer says he's visited 35 times - that's more than a couple in my book.

OK - to the woodshed Skald goes.....

I say: "Deja Moo" .... I've heard this bull before.

Do not argue with Skald about this.

Simply say: "You are making choices that are deceptive. Your choices are noted."

Make NO threats
Do not argue
Let MBers talk to Skald about this

send him back to his thread .... :crosseyedcrazy: :twobyfour:

Oh, Purrrfect response, Pepperband! Wish I'd known to handle things like this, way back when.

Ah, the wrenching of a wayward from his fix.
NC means NO CONTACT, even a cyber peek, dammit!

drgnfly, you are SO recently past d-day, it will probably be very difficult to keep your composure as you speak Pep's well-thought-out response to Skald.

Yet, you must put him on notice that you are calmly watching, measuring his words against his actions.

And we all know which are most important.

Didn't know Skald had started his own thread. Will go hunt it down.

((((drgnfly))))

Right Here Waiting

Now he's saying he's not "happy" - we're back to where we were a year or two ago (before the A). And he's thinking Plan B might be an option. Does he honestly believe we can be happy a month after D-Day?? And Plan B is about the A! Not about "I'm not happy, so maybe we need a break." It's like he doesn't realize that this will take work. AAARRRRGGGGHHHH

He's in panic/anxiety mode and blowing smoke - he has no f'ing idea what plan B is - plan B is NOT a plan for waywards.

Skald is talking nonsense because he wants to peek in on OW to see if SHE's doing Ok ... trust me, it was not to protect YOU from things she might say ... no way jose!

Of course he's not happy - he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar and is backpeddling as fast as he can.

He's probably done more than peek into her online activities - - you just don't know about it yet.

He's acting like any wayward - snarling and growling his way out of personal responsibility :crosseyedcrazy:

drgnfly,
My WH said almost the exact same thing about plan B and that's how I knew I had to go there for my own sanity. In fact, I think he said something like, for his mental well-being he needed more distance from me (I was in a guarded plan a).. Thats when I was like, he really does not get what he has done to me and the kids!!! He is so full of his needs that my plan a actions are completely wasted!!!
I went to plan b within two days and, although it has been hard, I have a lot more daily peace.
If you have the chance and or resources it might be very helpful to talk with the Harley's. Even my fully wayward H talked with Steve and it sounds like your husband is indicating some interest in R.
BestFriend439

When I checked the history this morning, it said 35 visits to that page. At lunch it said 20. Another time it said 9. I don't know why the number changes, but 35 apparently isn't an accurate number. In fact, we've been trying to figure out where the number comes from and we've tested out the history with other sites throughout the evening, and it doesn't even come close to accurate. This still isn't an excuse. Zero is the ONLY acceptible number, but I can't crucify him over a specific number. He was very adamant this morning that it was only a handful of times and that he was NOT lying about THAT. I will concede on this point.

He does admit to checking her site a couple times over the last week (and from checking on his history in the past it has only been the last week), and he did apologize and is in complete agreement of my putting on an internet site blocker which I figured out how to do today. (Wish I would have known how to do that from the start. bleh)

We had a calm and rational talk this evening, and we are able to get past this. We both know that talking about the A right now isn't a help to either of us. That doesn't mean that it won't pop up now and then, but I will try to control my thoughts better in an effort to avoid LBs. And he has agreed that he needs to comfort me when I am having a bad time.

We agreed that when we need to discuss ANY issues, we will go to a certain spot in the house (if possible), make it an intimate setting, cuddle and talk about it calmly. This way we can start the talk out in a good environment and hopefully keep ourselves under control. It made a difference tonight.