I think you all know what I mean. When my ex was having his affair, and I looked into his eyes, they were dead.

Now my son is going through the same thing with his ex-fiance. She came over tonight, and there is no other way to put it, she has cold eyes. I can just look at her and tell.

Anyone else notice that?

Oh yes. I have seen the before and after pictures of waywards from this forum and it is downright creepy. The dead fish eyes are very common.

+1, When my wife was with OM before we got back together a year ago, she took some pics and I looked at them and couldnt beleive that was actually her. First pictures shes never smiled in and it was creepy!

Well, I'm glad that other people see it. When I used to look at my WH, it was just THERE. His eyes were COLD.

Saw the same thing tonight in my would have been DIL. I've known her for a long time, and it was almost like a different person.

Oh yes, I KNOW those eyes so well. COLD, EMPTY, and DEAD.... Possibly a glimpse into their souls... or lack of souls....

It helped me when I was in Plan A, as to who I was dealing with and helped me adjust the working of my plans....

Wow. This is interesting. The day WW left and the next day her eyes were really cold. The day after she left when I seen her we were talking and I was gazing into her eyes and it was weird. I told her that something looked strange...I said that deep in her eyes I could see her love for me but it was peeking out from behind something else. I couldnt explain it. All I knew was that something was in the way. In between me and her love for me.

Two days later I found out she was having an A. That day when I sobbed and looked into her eyes and seen the same thing...only now I knew what it was in the way.

This is the first time that I have posted on another thread other than my own, but this is really wierd. I have seen those eyes as well, I keep thinking about how her eyes used to have adance to them. I saw that again yesterday for the first time in a long time. I hope that I can believe my own eyes.

My husband had the dead eyes, too, plus he used to complain about MY eyes. He didn't want me to look at him. Most people say that I have pretty eyes...my best feature.

My son once said that he could not lie to me, because he just knew that I would be able to tell that he was lying by looking at him.

I'm thinking that is the same reason why my husband didn't want me to look at him.

Yes I have seen it. Its like once my H had the affair its looked like darkness enveloped my his soul. Like you could see straight through and darkness and complete emptiness is all I could see. We looked at a July 4th pic DD17 took of him and one of Pre-A dad and its like not the same person.

Funny how we can all see the emptiness and darkness but they can't.

Great white shark eyes. Although most of the time they (WS) won't meet your gaze.

It was well after NC began and withdrawal was over before I saw the sparkle that was in her eyes before the affairs. Then and only then did I think we had a chance at recovery.

Believer - some call it "spiritual death". When someone has violated their own soul to the point where the Light of Christ - the conscience can no longer witness to them the difference between right and wrong - they are spiritually dead.

Yes, the cold eyes as they shut down every channel connected to you so they can move on and be with their "true love."

The cold eyes that make you realize that YOU are now the enemy. YOU are the one that has the problem. YOU are crazy.

Which of course helps to justify their "true love."

Of course, you know you are NOT crazy but it is scary to see those eyes. Yes it is.

The eyes that convey that you are a burden now and a tumor that needs to be excised.

It takes a while to get over that crap.

But it's doable.

I have a poem somewhere where I wrote about the two different personalities that WH-Gray sloughed off into. The STRANGER--the one with the eyes, and the other one...the one I THOUGHT was his true self.

I need to find that dang thing and post it here.

Charlotte

Not only that, but you look at the WS, and you think, "wow, I do not even feel like I KNOW this person!" like it is just a shell of who you once knew.

I just remember with my exh, that is how I felt when I looked at him. Like he was a stranger.

Someone is very smart and dead on...

I for one would look forward to reading it.

I had those eyes. If you read my posts on "The Affair World" you'll see I mention those cold eyes quite a lot. I used to look at my H with those dead eyes trying to bring forth some kind of feeling.

Now my eyes dance and sparkle and twinkle and are not afraid to look right into my H's eyes.

Awwww.....thank you, Queenie!!

With the time off from school and early Spring Cleaning plans, I should be able to locate it!!

I think I know "approximately" where it is, LOL!!

Charlotte

thank you

Yes, Believer...I know just the eyes that you guys are referring to...I had them, and it terrifies me to look at pictures of myself from that time period...My eyes were so dead and cold...The color of them was even distorted...

Scripture backs this up too...


{{{{SHUDDER}}}}

Mrs. W

The eyes are the portal to the soul, or so they say....

Looking into my wayward's eyes was my first clue... I knew it then but didn't want to believe it. Although my subconsious wouldn't let it rest. Trust your instincts...

Miker

My WW's eyes...

Black as coal... Based on her past...She may have always had those cold eyes.

I've never noticed anything else.

I will tell you this... Shortly after we separated... She went out of her way to avoid me. She couldn't look me in the eye. she knew she was doing me wrong and couldn't bear to look at me.

I don't remember cold eyes.
What I remember is that he stopped singing around the house and stopped laughing.
He's back to his jovial self.

Today is H's 13th AA birthday. :happynewyear:

Congrats to your husband and you too Pep. It takes a strong person to stand by an Alcoholic spouse.

I hope you are going to a meeting today. Eat some cake for me.

Yes, we went to his "home" group meeting.
I gave him a cake, and I did not eat any (it's a 7 AM meeting !)

So, H gets up to speak and says (paraphrasing closely):

"Did I ever tell you the story about the 3-legged pig?"

Group answers: "No!"

(I groan & laugh at the same time)


H tells the story:

There was a man who went to visit a farmer friend of his. The man saw there was a 3-legged pig running around the farm.

The man asked: "What's with the 3-legged pig?"

The farmer says: "Well, that there pig is the best pig I ever owned.
One time the house caught on fire. Well sir, that pig came running into the house making such a ruckus that we all woke up and our lives were saved from the fire by that 3-legged pig."

The man says :"Wow! That's really quite a remarkable pig!"

The farmer goes on : "Yes, well that ain't all of the story. Another time I slipped and fell into the well. I would have drowned too ifin that pig had not pushed the bucket with the rope tied to it into the well where I grabbed it and the pig took the other end of that rope in his mouth, and pulled and pulled until he pulled me out of that well, ALIVE!"

The man was really impressed with that remarkable pig.
So he asked "Tell me how the pig lost a leg?"

The farmer chewed his straw and said plainly:
"Well obviously you don't eat a pig that special all at once!"



The AA group groaned.
My H went on to say:

"I was both the pig and the farmer. I was cannibalizing myself before I came to AA 13 years ago. Killing myself little by little."

It was a good meeting.

Pep, may you and hubby have a lifetime of such anniversaries!

Mazel Tov and Happy Birthday to your H. That is quite a feat and he should be very proud of himself as well as you for walking through it.

He's a teenager now... LOL :crosseyedcrazy:

Yes I know exactly what you are talking about. Right after Dday and right after the separation his eyes were sad, but they quickly became the eyes of a stranger. The eyes of someone I didn't know and someone who didn't know or even want to know me. He had the eyes of a man who found me extremely unattractive. Thank god I don't see them anymore. Even when he's not happy with me.

God I remember that. Being looked at and not seen. But mostly it was his face. Cold, hateful, sneering.
I remember I woke him up one night when he had gone to sleep on the couch and he looked at me and the look made me feel like the most worthless POS ever to walk the earth.
Then there was the refusal to look at me during the FR.

Now he looks and looks and it does no harm

Thanks for the thread, believer!
I did not know how to describe what I say in my WH -- it was like he had completely become another person. He does not look the same and I guess what also was the case is that he could not look at me the same.
I wonder if he looks that way to our kids too?
I have one picture of him where he looked the way I will always fondly remember him. His eyes are so soft and kind -- just how I would have described him until the affair.
I guess that is another sign that I'm not crazy, just betrayed!
BF439

Glad it wasnt just me. Talking about looking at them completely, it was weird the day after D-Day. I pulled up to WW mom house and she was outside, it was like someone I didnt know. She looked like a person who I was meeting for the first time and they didnt like me very much. It was strange, glad to know I am not alone. Even now, when we talk about something she will not look me in the eye unless we get off onto something that is making us both laugh and be comfortable.

There are the occasions, though, where I will be leaving or something and I see it. I see that old look in her eyes and a sad look on her face. Almost like a look of wanting and then it disappears.

And Lil, even in his picture (that you posted the other day), he looks so much younger and relaxed!!! It is uncanny.

By the end I knew I had those eyes - to anyone looking, not just my BH. I felt protected (like no one could see inside, I was insulated and 'safe') and emotionally dead.

No pictures to compare, but interesting idea.

Oh yeh! I remember those eyes. Kind of like a cold, dead fish. I could tell when H finally was coming out of his drug induced A fog when his eyes literally began clearing up. I think these lyrics by The Eagles song "Lyin' Eyes" kind of sums it up.

You can't hide your lyin eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you'd realize
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes
Honey, you can't hide your lyin' eyes

My WH eyes have always been his most atractive feature. Eyes that dance and sing.

The last 3 months I have seen the cold dead eyes you all refer to-many times it looks like staring into a deep dark well with no bottom. That is if he looks at you- conversations during his attempt to come home I remember saying "look at me". He could not sustain eye contact at all.

It is amazing sometimes when we have been together for a longer period of time and are just talking about nothing relevant- those eyes start to twinkle. Almost like they use to- But then like a flash that is gone- replaced with the cold. It is like he will catch himself- remember that he is HAPPY with the OW so he couldn't possibly be with me.

My WH never has been one to anger quickly but I have seen a look in his eyes that screams "How dare You"- usually when it is evident that he is the cause of his own pain. But the anger is directed at me.

I wonder what his eyes say to the OW or does she even notice?

We had a studio family photo taken in July this year, 6 weeks after starting the EA with OW. WH looked completely despondent.

Compared to the studio family photo taken 18 months prior, he looked completely different. His eyes were shining and alive and he looked full of life and oh so happy.

The eyes have it. I look so different now too. Before finding MB my eyes had become cold, now they are back to shining. I realised I didn't need WH to be happy on the inside

After church yesterday I went to a resturant to eat. I go in... the waiter seats me. I'm eating my meal and I notice a woman get up and go into the restroom.

Hmm.... could it be?... I watch... Yep... it's my WW.... she's there with her boyfriend...

I stayed right where I was at... They had to walk right past me to pay their bill and leave. They got up and start walking toward the register... I kept my head up and my chest out.. (To steal a phrase from Mimi.) I looked them both in the eye as they walked past.... They couldn't even look at me... Both of them looked away...I watched them walk past... (head up chest out) They get up to the register. And I take my gaze off of them... Then I looked back and caught both of them looking at me... They quickly looked away again... Still couldn't look me in the eye.

She looked awful... From a distance she didn't even look like my wife. It wasn't until they were close that I was sure it was her. She's a very skinny woman and always had that mediteranian olive skin tone. She looked pastie paper white and her eyebrows looked like they had been totally plucked out ... Not even the same woman. She had that look... Battle hardened soldiers call it "The Thousand Yard Stare". It's that blank stare they get when they been on the front lines too long.

That's the first time I've seen her since... March...April?

That's the first time I've seen OM#2 up close and I'm pretty sure it's the first time he's ever seen me. Maybe a reality check for him... I'm not the grotesque disfigured monster I'm sure my WW has made me out to be...I hope they both feel real guilty right now.

Dang, Amazin'! What a lunch!

Yeah, I can relate. Gray and Slag are both pale and sickly...at least HE was when I last saw him up close in August. I could see him from Shiny's window last month but not that good.

Her on the other hand? Ugh! Skinny as a rail, pale as a fish belly. Claims on the stand that she lost weight because of the stress of the affair!



Wait! I think that one needs to go in the "wayward sayings" thread!



Good for you for doin' "tha' mimi!!"

Charlotte

She looked so pale and sickly it makes me wonder if she's been boozing again...


"tha mimi"??? I didn't know it had a name.

Eyes tend to look cold when there's no functioning organ behind them.

It does now!

Charlotte

Good point!



But seriously, good point!

Charlotte

When I saw and spoke to my wife this past weekend when I saw her I was like eww lol. Didnt make me miss her too much, she looked like hell and a half.