Can you do a Plan B for anything but infidelity? - 02/27/09 08:58 PM
Hi everybody - A little history. we have a blended family (2 his, 3 mine, 1 ours) have been together three years. He asked me to marry him years ago, but we didn't find the time or the money and he wanted to co-ordinate a big family event. We have never been formally married, but we are common law married, file taxes together, have kids together etc. After hearing all about us, Steve Harley considers us 'married' so I will refer to him as my husband for these posts. We would have to get divorced should we split up. Please don't flame me for the relationship nonsense! I'm as frustrated about it as some of you might be.
About 14 months ago, my Hubby informed me he no longer wanted a personal relationship with me and wanted to move out of the house to 'get his head together' He had been increasingly distant and unloving for months, which was making me feel rejected. This led to talks which he didn't want to have (since they were personal) and arguments. He said he didn't know what he wanted and was confused. He said we argued too much (true) and that he could no longer take the arguing and would leave if it didn't stop.
I spent the next two months being completely accommodating and making sure there was NO arguments (even if we should have had discussions) taking all the blame and walking on eggshells. He agreed we were getting along "better" but still didn't know what he wanted and was still emotionally and sexually checked out.
He said he might be willing to try MC. Then we spent six months in MC with Steve Harley. I learned ALOT about myself during that time but not a whole bunch about him or us. A day or so before any MC meeting, he was always very nice to me. But he never did the homework and hates to talk about 'us' or our personal relationship.
After six months with SH, I was told that my husband was simply 'not into us' and that I needed to be prepared to move on and get a divorce. I was devastated. I spent the next several months completely depressed. Finally I wrote him a very long letter - telling him I loved him, but could no longer put up with his neglect and being ignored and if it continued I would have to do something. It was loving, but outlined what I expected of a relationship.
This was in November. He is sill not 'ready' to talk about it. In Jan of this year, he suggested using one of his counselor friends as a mediator for MC. I agreed. It went ok, with him explaining that the 'honeymoon' was over after we moved in together and that I shouldn't expect sex or romance after that. That his parents got along just fine for 40 years in seperate single beds and without all that romance stuff. Lets just say we REALLY disagree on that!
He has been 'nicer' to me since then, but will frequently stand me up for 'our' UA time and uses his energy and playfulness on the kids rather than on us. He will come home from work, play with the kids till 1030 (even tho 'our' time starts at 830) and declare he's exhausted and go to bed and read. no snuggling, no sex no nothing but a peck on a cheek and a goodnight dear.
I decided to try a Plan A again - with some ideas from a Mort Fertel site. So for Feb, I pulled out alll the love stops. Romantic every day, loving, kind, good, sexy, you name it. Left him secret love notes everyday, dressed up often, etc. For the most part he took it all with passive acceptance. Said thank you honey for the notes or presents then threw them on the floor the next day or threw them away. If I dressed up (to the point where the kids were like WOW! MOM you look GREAT!! you look like you are 20!!) he would simply give me a peck on the cheek and say 'hi dear, how was your day' then 'forget' that he had invited me out on a date that night etc. (yeah I always wear sequined gowns and high heels out to the grocery store...)
So, Feb is almost over and Plan A was fun, but he's still checked out romantically and sexually. He is nicer to me, calls me up from work to say hello most days on his lunch break, but we still have no sex life, hardly any personal time together and our UA time is less than 2 hours a week. When I bring these things up, he promises to change, promises time etc, but then never ever follows thru.
Sexually he's very selfish. We might have sex twice a month, but every time it's about 'him' and only him. No foreplay, no O for me, just for him. He didn't used to be this way, he was a wonderful perfect, giving lover when we were dating.
If he keeps rejecting me, how do I handle it? Should I send a message that says I’m no longer going to put up with it or keep on being nice when he’s nice to me and just ignoring the rejection? (self esteem will suffer)
If he stands me up or doesn’t keep his promises how do I handle it? No longer make plans with him as he stands me up by politely stating I don’t trust him or change my plans to include his promised time/ attention etc whether he stands me up or not?
(resentment)
If he continues to accept my attention, affection, sex and love but does not equally reciprocate, how do I handle it? Look elsewhere for these things outside our relationship or continue to hold out hope that someday he will change? (while watching my life slip away unloved without a fulfilling romantic or sexual life?)
He claims we are married but won't commit to vows or a ceremony. It's like he wants the trappings of a relationship but not the work.
Plan B? and what would that look like?
About 14 months ago, my Hubby informed me he no longer wanted a personal relationship with me and wanted to move out of the house to 'get his head together' He had been increasingly distant and unloving for months, which was making me feel rejected. This led to talks which he didn't want to have (since they were personal) and arguments. He said he didn't know what he wanted and was confused. He said we argued too much (true) and that he could no longer take the arguing and would leave if it didn't stop.
I spent the next two months being completely accommodating and making sure there was NO arguments (even if we should have had discussions) taking all the blame and walking on eggshells. He agreed we were getting along "better" but still didn't know what he wanted and was still emotionally and sexually checked out.
He said he might be willing to try MC. Then we spent six months in MC with Steve Harley. I learned ALOT about myself during that time but not a whole bunch about him or us. A day or so before any MC meeting, he was always very nice to me. But he never did the homework and hates to talk about 'us' or our personal relationship.
After six months with SH, I was told that my husband was simply 'not into us' and that I needed to be prepared to move on and get a divorce. I was devastated. I spent the next several months completely depressed. Finally I wrote him a very long letter - telling him I loved him, but could no longer put up with his neglect and being ignored and if it continued I would have to do something. It was loving, but outlined what I expected of a relationship.
This was in November. He is sill not 'ready' to talk about it. In Jan of this year, he suggested using one of his counselor friends as a mediator for MC. I agreed. It went ok, with him explaining that the 'honeymoon' was over after we moved in together and that I shouldn't expect sex or romance after that. That his parents got along just fine for 40 years in seperate single beds and without all that romance stuff. Lets just say we REALLY disagree on that!
He has been 'nicer' to me since then, but will frequently stand me up for 'our' UA time and uses his energy and playfulness on the kids rather than on us. He will come home from work, play with the kids till 1030 (even tho 'our' time starts at 830) and declare he's exhausted and go to bed and read. no snuggling, no sex no nothing but a peck on a cheek and a goodnight dear.
I decided to try a Plan A again - with some ideas from a Mort Fertel site. So for Feb, I pulled out alll the love stops. Romantic every day, loving, kind, good, sexy, you name it. Left him secret love notes everyday, dressed up often, etc. For the most part he took it all with passive acceptance. Said thank you honey for the notes or presents then threw them on the floor the next day or threw them away. If I dressed up (to the point where the kids were like WOW! MOM you look GREAT!! you look like you are 20!!) he would simply give me a peck on the cheek and say 'hi dear, how was your day' then 'forget' that he had invited me out on a date that night etc. (yeah I always wear sequined gowns and high heels out to the grocery store...)
So, Feb is almost over and Plan A was fun, but he's still checked out romantically and sexually. He is nicer to me, calls me up from work to say hello most days on his lunch break, but we still have no sex life, hardly any personal time together and our UA time is less than 2 hours a week. When I bring these things up, he promises to change, promises time etc, but then never ever follows thru.
Sexually he's very selfish. We might have sex twice a month, but every time it's about 'him' and only him. No foreplay, no O for me, just for him. He didn't used to be this way, he was a wonderful perfect, giving lover when we were dating.
If he keeps rejecting me, how do I handle it? Should I send a message that says I’m no longer going to put up with it or keep on being nice when he’s nice to me and just ignoring the rejection? (self esteem will suffer)
If he stands me up or doesn’t keep his promises how do I handle it? No longer make plans with him as he stands me up by politely stating I don’t trust him or change my plans to include his promised time/ attention etc whether he stands me up or not?
(resentment)
If he continues to accept my attention, affection, sex and love but does not equally reciprocate, how do I handle it? Look elsewhere for these things outside our relationship or continue to hold out hope that someday he will change? (while watching my life slip away unloved without a fulfilling romantic or sexual life?)
He claims we are married but won't commit to vows or a ceremony. It's like he wants the trappings of a relationship but not the work.
Plan B? and what would that look like?