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Joined: Feb 2009
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Hi everybody - A little history. we have a blended family (2 his, 3 mine, 1 ours) have been together three years. He asked me to marry him years ago, but we didn't find the time or the money and he wanted to co-ordinate a big family event. We have never been formally married, but we are common law married, file taxes together, have kids together etc. After hearing all about us, Steve Harley considers us 'married' so I will refer to him as my husband for these posts. We would have to get divorced should we split up. Please don't flame me for the relationship nonsense! I'm as frustrated about it as some of you might be.

About 14 months ago, my Hubby informed me he no longer wanted a personal relationship with me and wanted to move out of the house to 'get his head together' He had been increasingly distant and unloving for months, which was making me feel rejected. This led to talks which he didn't want to have (since they were personal) and arguments. He said he didn't know what he wanted and was confused. He said we argued too much (true) and that he could no longer take the arguing and would leave if it didn't stop.

I spent the next two months being completely accommodating and making sure there was NO arguments (even if we should have had discussions) taking all the blame and walking on eggshells. He agreed we were getting along "better" but still didn't know what he wanted and was still emotionally and sexually checked out.

He said he might be willing to try MC. Then we spent six months in MC with Steve Harley. I learned ALOT about myself during that time but not a whole bunch about him or us. A day or so before any MC meeting, he was always very nice to me. But he never did the homework and hates to talk about 'us' or our personal relationship.

After six months with SH, I was told that my husband was simply 'not into us' and that I needed to be prepared to move on and get a divorce. I was devastated. I spent the next several months completely depressed. Finally I wrote him a very long letter - telling him I loved him, but could no longer put up with his neglect and being ignored and if it continued I would have to do something. It was loving, but outlined what I expected of a relationship.

This was in November. He is sill not 'ready' to talk about it. In Jan of this year, he suggested using one of his counselor friends as a mediator for MC. I agreed. It went ok, with him explaining that the 'honeymoon' was over after we moved in together and that I shouldn't expect sex or romance after that. That his parents got along just fine for 40 years in seperate single beds and without all that romance stuff. Lets just say we REALLY disagree on that!

He has been 'nicer' to me since then, but will frequently stand me up for 'our' UA time and uses his energy and playfulness on the kids rather than on us. He will come home from work, play with the kids till 1030 (even tho 'our' time starts at 830) and declare he's exhausted and go to bed and read. no snuggling, no sex no nothing but a peck on a cheek and a goodnight dear.

I decided to try a Plan A again - with some ideas from a Mort Fertel site. So for Feb, I pulled out alll the love stops. Romantic every day, loving, kind, good, sexy, you name it. Left him secret love notes everyday, dressed up often, etc. For the most part he took it all with passive acceptance. Said thank you honey for the notes or presents then threw them on the floor the next day or threw them away. If I dressed up (to the point where the kids were like WOW! MOM you look GREAT!! you look like you are 20!!) he would simply give me a peck on the cheek and say 'hi dear, how was your day' then 'forget' that he had invited me out on a date that night etc. (yeah I always wear sequined gowns and high heels out to the grocery store...)

So, Feb is almost over and Plan A was fun, but he's still checked out romantically and sexually. He is nicer to me, calls me up from work to say hello most days on his lunch break, but we still have no sex life, hardly any personal time together and our UA time is less than 2 hours a week. When I bring these things up, he promises to change, promises time etc, but then never ever follows thru.

Sexually he's very selfish. We might have sex twice a month, but every time it's about 'him' and only him. No foreplay, no O for me, just for him. He didn't used to be this way, he was a wonderful perfect, giving lover when we were dating.

If he keeps rejecting me, how do I handle it? Should I send a message that says I’m no longer going to put up with it or keep on being nice when he’s nice to me and just ignoring the rejection? (self esteem will suffer)

If he stands me up or doesn’t keep his promises how do I handle it? No longer make plans with him as he stands me up by politely stating I don’t trust him or change my plans to include his promised time/ attention etc whether he stands me up or not?
(resentment)

If he continues to accept my attention, affection, sex and love but does not equally reciprocate, how do I handle it? Look elsewhere for these things outside our relationship or continue to hold out hope that someday he will change? (while watching my life slip away unloved without a fulfilling romantic or sexual life?)

He claims we are married but won't commit to vows or a ceremony. It's like he wants the trappings of a relationship but not the work.

Plan B? and what would that look like?

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Who cheated? dontknow

ETA: I see the title but not sure why you posted in the Infidelity Forum.

Last edited by black_raven; 02/27/09 04:06 PM. Reason: ETA

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I guess nobody cheated yet - but I saw that the Plan B was only seen in the infidelity section?

Plus I was hoping someone here might have experience with it etc.

sorry if I posted in the wrong section.

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What are his ENs?

AS and SF are common tops for men of course, but with your blended family their may be so much strife and LBing that he needs something there.

My guess would either be:

Affair

or

LBs and wrong ENs


From my experiecnce, if you even THINK it might be an affair, it is.

If you DON'T think it is an affair, it probably is anyway.

Look at it this way, if he is having an affair, he is cake-eating par excellence.Getting all those kids takne care of, without formal marriage, and not having to do a thing in your relationship, it seems...

PS: put your info in your sign line if you want intelligent responses.


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Before I do anything, I would find out if there's any chance he's gay. Maybe I'm way off base, but he sounds like a closet case to me. It could be an affair with another woman but suggesting that being married without having sex is perfectly fine with him because his parents were celebate? Sounds suspect to me.

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No need to apologize. I'm not the MB police. I was just wondering. blush I think Plan B is specific to address As. Doesn't mean you can't apply the principles.

If you want to separate in hopes of H taking notice of the dire shape your M is in, you can. Plan B is more for protecting a BS than anything else.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Mike, I wold love intelligent responses! But what does "put your info in your sign line" mean please?

His EN's:

Before we talked to SH

1. Honesty - Approach him in a positive way, Do not twist his words. Don’t say “I’m mad” when you are mad
2. Family Commitment- do more chores
3. Affection - More hugs and kisses for no reason
4. Domestic Support - More time doing housework together
5. Recreational Companionship

After we talked to SH

1. SF
2. Affection
3. O and H
5. RC

NOTE: I don't think he is allowing me to meet his EN's really. He puts them at arms reach, or excludes sex and such so that he puts our relationship into a caring mode rather than a romantic one. and what makes me so angry is that he is doing it on purpose!!!!

I don't think he's having an affair. But I REALLY do think he wants to. But he has lots of friends and I think he needs to make the break up look like my fault to save face. He wants me to be the 'cheating' ho so he can look like the good guy.

He has suggested if I need sex, to go find someone. That he is not jealous of me, won't be and that it wouldn't bother him. He said he didn't want sex from anyone, but then later said if I found someone that he wanted the same "opportunity" also.

Frankly I think he is just trying to make me miserable enough to leave him so that he can say "see? She cheated, she's the bad one"

The one thing that doesn't make sense in that is that he's using his BEST FRIENDS WIFE as our counselor. She has told him that I deserve to have sex. So if it comes to that, everyone would know he wasn't giving me any.. or at least that he knew about it and I didn't 'cheat'.

I know he's having at least partial EA's with several friends. He's planning a big event camping trip the end of March and I'm not going - he couched it in asking me if i would mind watching the kids. long story there.

Last edited by blackbird; 02/27/09 05:30 PM.
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Originally Posted by Aphaeresis
Before I do anything, I would find out if there's any chance he's gay. Maybe I'm way off base, but he sounds like a closet case to me. It could be an affair with another woman but suggesting that being married without having sex is perfectly fine with him because his parents were celebate? Sounds suspect to me.

me too. he's very ANTI gay actually. homophobic at times. There are times I get the feeling of 'methinks he doth protest too much' but no, he's not at this time gay.

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He swears he is happy.

that I am meeting his EN's. He treats me very kindly.
He says that there are no LB's.
He seems very satisfied with the 'wife as roommate' thing.
I make sure we don't argue any more (because we only talk about kids, work and mundane things)
If he sees I'm depressed or upset, he will ask me what is wrong. If i tell him it's anything to do with him, he gets angry at me and yells at me for it. So I've stopped telling him what is wrong - there is simply no positive way I can put it so that he isn't angry at me for feeling this way.

But he knows i'm miserable in it and says he 'feels bad' for me. But he won't change his behavior so i'm not miserable. (ie lip service to my feelings)

His best friend is throwing a big birthday party for me tomorrow (his friends treat me much better than he does!!)

He got me a present - an ipod. But gave it to me 23 days before my birthday as soon as it came in the mail. He even got it inscribed. But it was friendly rather than romantic.

Happy birthday (my name), Love your family.

Your family??? sheesh. He said it was a gift from the family.

On my birthday he asked me what I wanted to do. He offered to take me out on a date, to dinner and to go hot-tubbing. (woo hoo!) Eventually he stood me up (changed his mind after I got all excited about it and ready) on everything but us just going to dinner. It was nice, but not personal. He held the door for me. we talked about his work. If i tried to be cute, flirt or sexy he would just ignore my overtures. He was polite, like you would be for an aunt or a family member.

Last edited by blackbird; 02/27/09 05:14 PM.
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I'm curious as to how with Steve, AF and affection suddenly became top ENs, but he rejects the offering of them.

I dunno. Affair red flags, to me. My WW was saying for a long time "oh, get a GF if you want! <giggle>".

Well, obvious now as to her guilty mindset.

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Yep, sounds like an A to me.

Even if not, Plan B can be a good tool, for spouses and just in life. I Plan B my MIL. Once in a great while I'll peek my head out, but as soon as I see that she's still foggy I hunker down again, taking the kids with me.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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I don't know how you can "Plan B" a co-habitating spouse with six kids for, basically, being withdrawn.

What's the goal? "Love me"?

I think you need a affair Investigation 101 here.

When discovered, you go Plan A, Plan B.

I can tell you from experience, Steve H is looking at this situation and ASSUMING an A.

A guy with a top need of SF and Affection turning it down every day at home is like a gold digger wife cutting up her own credit cards.

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I think the goal is closer to "stop being a twerp" and ignoring me. Steve called it major neglect.

He's not having an A. checked everything I can check. He may want one, but he's not going there yet.

When confronted he says he just doesn't want ANYONE but the kids to love. They are safe and have 'no choice' but to be 'his'.

He says he has done soul searching and HAS NO NEEDS. none for affection, love, sex anything. Nope. No needs at all. I told him to drop the BS and that I wasn't buying it.

Seems to me he's so afraid of losing someone (them leaving?) they he sabotages relationships. I ought to know, i did that myself in my 20's.

man this guy is screwed up...


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Your guy sounds exactly like my WstbxH before I found out about the A. The fun-loving, affectionate, romantic man I married gradually disappeared after we said "I do" and I was left in the same position as you are. There was very little SF and no affection to speak of whatsoever. In fact, if he touched me at all, it was accidental. We had some RC, but even that was something I arranged and insisted on and we had no social life or other friends that we did anything with as a couple. All of my attempts to revert things back to the good old days were rebuffed. In fact, if you read the articles on walk away wives, I was well on my way to becoming one. He didn't meet a single EN of mine and claimed he didn't have any of his own for me to meet. So we ran the household and raise DS together but more as a business arrangement than anything else. When DS moved out, WstbxH began seeing OW. I found out 8 months later.

I'm just cautioning you, because even among every single person we knew, NOBODY could beleive he did this. EVERYBODY expected me to be the one to leave this marriage eventually, not him. It was beyond shocking.

As for what to do - well, you got him to counselling so that's way better than I could ever do. I can tell you what I did, though it didn't help my M. Basically, I found alternative ways to get my ENs met outside the marriage. This worked for everything but affection and SF. Well, I had a dog, and as much as I appreciated her affection, I still felt very affection-starved. I learned to accept that I would live my life without it. Everthing else - RC I had girlfriends to ride horses with and I played sports at work during lunch hour; conversation I had my girlfriends and spent time on the phone; FS - I got myself an excellent job so I took care of it myself. You name it, I found some other way to fulfill it. Unfortunately, I was actually very happy with life right up until d-day and at that point, the house of cards I built came tumbling down.

It could be he's not having an A yet. It could be he's having an emotional A. Either way, he's no longer being faithful in his own mind.

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Yes, after reading this, I am also sure that you are that poster from a few months ago. I just posted this same thing in the Emotional Needs forum. Not sure WHY this bothers me so much to see you posting the same story under a different name, but it really does BUG me.

Honey, he is not trying to sabotage ANYTHING.

He wants a mother for his kids and a mother for himself and you fit the bill.

Dump him totally and see what happens.


WH2LE

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DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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Raven, ask your boyfriend to get a full time job. He is leaching off you.

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Stellakat, I have a boyfriend who doesn't have a full time job yet? Do you have any idea what you are talking about?


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