I'm through letting WW walk all over me - Marriage Builders® Forums

I moved out some of my stuff yesterday. It was hard to start the proccess of seperating things.
I asked her yesterday to sign herself off our joint account, and she acted as if I was leaveing her with nothing. (don't know why, why didn't have anything) She started in with " why don't you just sign if we are serating everything. I told her I needed time to adjust and make sure I had things in order before I signed anything. She asked how long I needed and I told her I asked for 2 months. She when ape sh!!. Said she wasn't living this he!! any longer and she would get an lawyer and I could talk to him. She went on to say that she wasn't asking for anything and legally she could ask for alimony and take alot more. I told her we don't have to do it that way, but if she wanted to go to court that would be fine. I stayed at home tonight, but she said she needed to go food shopping. She called a little bit later and said she needed time and if it was alright to stay out for a couple of hours, I aske dif she was going to see him. She got upset and said no but she didn't have to tell me if she was or not. I know thats where she went! I hate her for being so.......
Sometimes I think I should ask for custody of my D's but I don't know what my chances are. Then what if she wants to try and take them away from me? Now she is upset because I said I was going to take the D's to her family New Years Eve party. She is only mad because she knows they will ask where she is and I will tell them the truth. That we are seperating and Ding because she wants to be with someione else. I just can't let her live this double life any more.

Am I doing the right thing?
CD

CD - I haven't read all of your story, so forgive me if I'm not up to date. There may be circumstances that negate my response.

Why are you moving out?

Do you have a separation agreement?

Why haven't you already revealed the affair to the light of day? By all means, take your daughters to her family's and answer all questions honestly. After all, if either of you is moving out, the questions will come.

Regarding custody - you will only hurt your chances for joint custody if you abandon the family. Unless you're a total creep, it's not likely she can get full custody.

The best way to keep from getting "walked all over" at this point is NOT to move out. IMHO, this is absolutely the worst thing you can do. Let her do this, if she insists.

citydweller,

Do not move out!!!!! This is her train wreck, not yours.

I moved out but I was lied to and once you are out it is not something that is easily reversed.

Go to the New Years Party, have fun, shed daylight if asked! There is no point in assisting her lie, right?

I repeat, do not move out!!!!

Now I am really confused! She is divorcing me no matter what. She has done up the papers on line and I am having them looked over right now. If I don't move into our other home i feel things could get real ugly. Then it would ruin any chance if any to get back together afterward. I guess I might be doing what she wants by me moving out. I just don't want this to get ugly. We are getting a D, so I would be moving anyway. I she wants the current home and I want the other one anyway. We told our OD and she knew all about a D from her friend, didn't faze her a bit.
I am so lost and confused, I don't know what is right. I can't stay in the house and watch her go out knowing she is going to see him. I have been having dreams about it and I can't sleep.
I hate her for doing this to me!! It hurts so much!!
\CD

CD...worthatry is correct. You need to make sure that your rights are protected...as are your children's. If you move out without some type of agreement it may be viewed by the courts as abandonment. Move carefully. You need something written down on paper, even if it's not legally binding, it can be given to the courts as a form of verbal agreement if nothing else.

As for custody...IF you want custody of your children for THEIR best interests and yours...then go for it. Men have just as much right to seek custody as women...and are getting it much more often then before...thank goodness. HOWEVER, if you are trying to "get back" at the WW by using the children...STOP!

I know you're in the military and that you will soon be assigned somewhere else...so be sure that you have the resources to care for your children fulltime if you go for full custody and are sent where the children can not go with you.

I know it hurts! I can't imagine what it feels like to be dealing with an on-going affair...I wasn't faced with this aspect. But...you must think clearly about your rights and protect yourself. Now is the time to do so! You MUST make sure that rather she stays or goes...your life is going to be stable and secure...for you and your children.

I also agree...don't lie to others! Don't have to go into great detail, but make it clear that the destruction of your marriage is by her choice...not yours.

Citydweller,
You have some wonderful people in your corner with great advice. The hardest thing I ever learned was that when she had something to say to me I couldn't punish her for telling the truth. Whe we talked about getting back together I said we both had to be honest, not to hurt the other but to give the other a fair chance of knowing where the other is and what is needed.
I agree with getting something in writing to protect "both" of you. Tell your wife you would rather not moving but you see that as the only way to not push each other further away. Let her know that time apart may be good for both of you. Let her know that if you can agree on terms and split things in a fair way you will give her space. I suggest going for joint custody if possible when/if this comes up. When I was going through this I was afraid of the kids living with her 5 days a week and visiting me 1-2 days, and losing touch with them. I didn't want to loose her and them. My wife agreed to this, but as it played out she found she was gaining HIM but loosing half the time with the kids. It was a poor trade. I also started taking time for myself when they were with her and got household stuff done so that when they were with me I could relax and be there for them. I also learned about all the things my wife did in the home that I now had to do. She missed much of my help too.
The long and short of it I see is that living with her while she is doing this is harder that living apart. When I was living with my wife during contact with OM it tore me apart and made it hard to be calm or giving. When we lived apart I had more time for Me and didn't have to be on edge all the time, But I missed her so much.
Keep in mind what you do and say and how you do this, will affect your life.

Thanks so much for ur help. We have talked this out and we both see that being apart is the only way. When I am home she is filled with anxiety and feels trapped. I get to mushy and start asking how she feels and what she is doing. I won't be abandoning my girls, as they will be spending the majority of the time with me.

Daniel, did you get a D or just split up? And are you back together now or still working it?

CD

I will be short ... do you want your kid ?. Stay put otherwise they are going to be around OM as soon as you move out !!!!!. I stay put for my 2 D and I helped them pass this mess ... 3 different conselors (2 mediator MFT & 1 coparenting MFT) said my 2 D recovered and went into acceptance & show no impact.

I know it ripped apart you guts and feeling but you know what to do. Stay put., learn to walk away and avoid/control your anger. Focus on your kids ... Again do you want your WW bringing OM in your home, slepping in your bed and playing dady to your kids ?. I don't know which states you are living in but in CA the temporary custody is looked as the base for permarnent one.

About reconsiliation in the future ... I gave you 2x4 now . It is bullsh!t by moving out. The only chance you have is plan A your butt out. Show that you are capable of change and a changed man. There is no better place to show it other than living right there. Yes, it is easier to move out than staying putfor you right now . Do you think you could reconsile in the future if the moment you move out she brings in OM ?, eating on your plate & sleeping on your bed ? and make a hellish situation for your kids ?. Think again.

The only way I would support you to move out if you have a problem with anger and you know that you won't be able to do plan A. Plan A is not for everyone, it takes gut to do it. However if you have issues such as chemical dependency such as alcohol/drugs or your are abusive (anger) .... yes, you should move out in that extreme case to solve your problem first. It needs a lot of love and support to get out addiction and right now you have none in yuor home.

Just my 2¢. -rh-

[ December 31, 2002, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]

CD,
You said in your other thread that the house you were moving into was rented by another woman and her child. Has this changed? You got an awful lot of advise to NOT move in with another woman even if it was "innocent".

You do not have to move out of your home. You say that you are thinking about a future reconciliation? about possibly asking for custody? Forget about those if you make this move. You will be opening the door of your home, wife and children to the OM. You will also put yourself in a bad legal position.

It might be easier to avoid conflict right now by moving out, but in the long run I believe that you are making a big mistake. Let her move out if she wants to... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

OK I see yoour worries, but the papers are being filed if I want to or not. If i take the kids with me and they live with me, doesn't that account for anything? If I tell her I am stay and she should go doesn't that drive her right into OM arms?
Maybe I should get an appointment with the Harleys
and see what kind of advise thay have on this one.

I think I know my W a little bit, I know she isn't herself and she has done nothing but lie to me, but I don't think she will make problems.
I can't stop the DV, I have stalled all I can and she is getting more pissed off at me. All I can do is make it so we are not enemies when its all done. If I say I am not moving out she will get a lawyer and let him talk to me. One way or another she will DV me.

CD

Yes, it looks like one way or the other she will probably divorce you but you do not have to bend to her wishes right now. If the papers are filed, just sit tight and try to take each day as it comes. I agree about calling Dr. Harley, this issue is too important for any of us to give advice. Your future could be impacted greatly by a bad decision. PLEASE call him today and do not move out until you talk to him. Blessings to you, Ladysing

[ December 31, 2002, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]

See a lawyer. NOw. Today. You need professional advice. Your future and your D's future is at stake.

I will do 2x4 again to you ....

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by citydweller:
OK I see yoour worries, but the papers are being filed if I want to or not. If i take the kids with me and they live with me, doesn't that account for anything? <hr /></blockquote>You don't file she does ... so wait until you get serve. She is in control let her do her deed. I don't think she will let you take the kid ..., I will be surprised if she let you. Ask her ... what if question ....

<blockquote>quote:<hr />If I tell her I am stay and she should go doesn't that drive her right into OM arms? <hr /></blockquote>No you stay and say nothing ... don't tell her to move ... I let my wife move out on her own w/ OM ... her justification ?, to spare my 2 D feeling ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Maybe I should get an appointment with the Harleys
and see what kind of advise thay have on this one.<hr /></blockquote>Do so ... we are not professional and we don't have all the detail ... Harleys will do intake.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />I think I know my W a little bit, I know she isn't herself and she has done nothing but lie to me, but I don't think she will make problems.
I can't stop the DV, I have stalled all I can and she is getting more pissed off at me. All I can do is make it so we are not enemies when its all done. If I say I am not moving out she will get a lawyer and let him talk to me. One way or another she will DV me.<hr /></blockquote>This is my 2¢. She is determine to Dv you ... stoping will be LB'ed. Let her lawyer talk to you ... and retain a lawyer to meet with hers. Unless she screams abuse and file RO ... you will not parted from your house. OM is pressuring her and/or her addiction to OM requires her to get more doses (24/7). This is classic ...the moment you move out ... OM is in, she could not wait. Sorry, it is the truth.

What to do ?
Read MB and understand LB, LB$, plan A/B, and read HNHN, SAA. Follow many links provided. Shut up in the present of your WW ... don't ask her where she has been or where she is going ... you know the answer ... let it be, avoid LB at all cost. You need to disect your M right now and need to do plan A action ....!.

-rh-

OK, I have really thought about all that has been said on this post and the other one. I think I need to stay put and let her deal with what ever she decides to do.
I know OMs frieds dad is a divorce lawyer and he will probably help her out and really let me have it, but I guess if I gave up now it would be worse. I would have to live with the fact that I gave up. I won't stop the DV but I will not just sign away either. I hope this doesn't get ugly, I don't want my Ds to have to go through all of that. I hope she sees that I am not doing this to be revengful or hateful, but somehow let her know I love her and want to try to reconcile.
I don't think she will take it like that, but I will know what I was trying to do. I think the key will be to show nothing but love and never LBst. It will be hard, I pray I have the strength to do it. I know she will have a fit because I am going to her family party with or without her.

I just found out I have to go Nashville tomorrow. Its just for a day, so maybe I will wait until i leave before I tell her I will not be moving out. Give her aday to cool down or find somewhere to go.
Wish me luck.
CD

You're right...she likely won't take it the way you mean it...but then she's got her own plans...and having you leave is high on her list.

You can NOT control what she does. If she is bound and determined to get a divorce...she will! But, you don't have to bend over and take everything she dishes out either.

You need to put your focus on what is best for you and your children and make sure that the future rights of same are protected.

When you're the injured party...the last thing you normally want to do is leave. You should stay right where you are and if she wants to live separately...then she can move...to wherever she wishes. Your position is much stronger in a court of law if you STAY. There is no question of abandonment on your part.

Get thee to a lawyer! Follow his/her advice to the letter. Talking to SH might make it much easier to deal with everything...give it a try.

Good Luck!

I had a thought come to me.
Isn't my moving out because she is still seeing OM like plan B. If I had no contact and so on?
CD

CD - first, we're with you, pal. You can count on us.

Now, be honest with us - IF she files for divorce, what has happened to make it "ugly?"

Yep, she might try to manufacture something to make it uglier than it already is, but is there ANYTHING you've done that she can exploit?

In other words, what would be her grounds for divorce?

Forget about Plan B for now. Yes, when a separation occurs, it may be a prime time for Plan B - but not if your Plan A hasn't been complete, as far as demonstration of your improvements goes.

WAT

You can see by the number of posts I've made...
...I am a veteran of the boards.

The correct message (and I've said this so many times before) to all BHs with children...
...has been voiced by all of the above!

Stay at home...
...you know now where your place is!

Being selfless to your D is the greatest sign of love you could ever show her. To have the responsible parent close at hand... and sticking through the tough times is something you will be greatly admired for!... even if your W follows through with the worst.

Love to you and yours.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Well, as of now her grounds for divorce is simply we are not getting along and reconcilation is not possible. That is all she needs here.
I have pictures with a girl I met but nothing she can really use against me. Ugly just meaning she might ask for full custody, and alimony.
If I stay at home and sign the papers? would that be better? I don't know.
CD

Right now, anything would be better than you moving out, thats her agenda, don't do it.

Take your trip to Nashville, come home and get an appt. with Dr. Harley. Stay put and take care of yourself. You can't control her but you do not have to walk away from your family. BE STRONG, we are here for support, but get professional counseling and legal help.

I just told the wife I wasn't ready to move out. She asked what I was doing tonight and I told her I was taking the kids to the party. WoW! she got real upset and said I was only doing that so they would feel sorry for me. That I wanted everyone to be against her. I told her I was leaving town tomorrow and she got upset again. It looks like she is leaving town tonight and wont be back until noon tomorrow.
I ask again... WHY AM I TRYING?
So since I wasn't moving out and I was going to let everyone know what she has been up to, she wanted me to sign the papers. I said I couldn't do that until I felt good about it. She said she would pay the lawyer Thursday to have me served.
She couldn't do this any more.
I am prying for insperation, I don't know what is right and what will drive a wedge further between us.
CD

Don't sign anything until you have your own lawyer. She is trying to make you feel guilty for taking your kids to a party when she is going out of town overnight? (with the OM, I assume)

She is reacting because she wants you to move out and look like the bad guy. SHE is the one who has someone else, SHE is the one who will have to answer the tough questions from her family.

You keep up the good work of being a father and don't worry about driving a wedge between you and your W. Right now, I would say there is a whole lumber yard between you. She is pressuring you to move out and sign papers because she wants this over and done with HER way. DON'T give in!

You will be ok without her if that's what happens, take care of yourself and your kids.

[ December 31, 2002, 07:31 PM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]

Always take the 'high' road!
...and you won't regret your decisions.

Don't sign the paper...
...always... always have a lawyer review the papers...

...and even then... only after you really know you've done all you can to save your marriage...
...only then... move into a Plan B for a period of time... before the divorce.

If at all possible... it is the WS that needs to move out an actively see for themselves... what the impact on family will be.

Are you talking to your DDs?... This is important... especially for them to know what you stand for...
...standing for what is right will be important to them when as they grow up.

Prayers...

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Citydweller,
She moved out (7/00), then back(11/00),then out (12/00), then back (3/01,visited OM in FL after he moved there (5/01),limited contact til 9/01,she told him to stop calling her, 2 months no cantact, then he called her to say he wanted to see her for Xmas she said no. 1/02 His sister
called My W to tell her OM was getting married to someone he knew before, She was calling him when W was living with him. Wife went off deep end. seems like when OM was still in the wings she could do day to day with me and things were OK. Him getting married made her feel used. early 2/02 we put our house on market, it sold in 3 days, moved 3/02. she into her place Me into mine. waited for divorce papers to go through( 2nd try) by end of april OM had called my W to say he wanted to see her and maybe move back. Wife asked about his getting married. He was surprised she knew and said he would like to come back to my W. She told me about all this after she prayed on it and decided that she couldn't trust him and should never have believed him. I was the only one who stayed the course and she hoped I could forgive her for hurting me so much. We had many talks and they were truthful.Hopes fears hurts etc. I moved back in with her when she asked me. We still have some work to do, and forgiveness is a over and over again process. I still get mad at times but I remind myself that we have a better marriage than even 5 years ago. We have both commented that we almost lost it all. I never thought I'd be at this point, always hoped.

PS I stayed in the house, she moved. The others are right, don't move until court etc. says you need to move, even then I'd try to have court say no OM can live there while kids are there, it is not good for them and decreases their safety.

Sorry I get long winded.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by citydweller:
WoW! she got real upset and said I was only doing that so they would feel sorry for me. That I wanted everyone to be against her.<hr /></blockquote>CD, this is EXACTLY what we expected!!!!!!

She is reading the WS script perfectly!!

She's blame shifting everything to you - as expected.

Believe it or not, this is good news. This is all her guilt being outwardly projected. You are public enemy number one!! You are getting in the way of her perfect plans!! You scumbag!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

See?????

The hardest thing for a new BS is to NOT take this stuff personally. You are just the closest, easiest target for her to blame because she cannot blame herself. She has painted over all the mirrors in her life and cannot see herself as doing ANYTHING wrong.

Try to see thru her and see her for what she is right now - a very confused woman desperate to keep the good feelings of the affair going. Tilt your head a little and look out of the corner of your eyes and see how ridiculously childish she's being. Read Rule #1 in the Guidelines post linked in my sig line. This is where you are right now.

[ January 01, 2003, 09:57 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]

OK, I have been out of town for a couple of days so I will get U all caught up.
New Years Eve W went out with OM of course, so I took the girls to a party with some friends and then went to her family party without her. I had a good time and only stopped to think of what she was doing a few hundred times.
I was really upset when the New Year came and my OD asked why mom didn't come with us to this party. I just explained that she choose to go to a different party. My D just started crying with real pain. She couldn't understand why mommy always leaves them to go out with her friends. I told her not to worry, mommy still loves them. It broke my heart! I called W to say happy New Year and she asked to talk to D. When D started crying and asking why she didn't come with us; she wanted to talk to me again. She screamed and yelled at me saying I told her to say things and she wouldn't have known if I didn't say anything. I simply told her that she is 7 and she does notice things! Of course she was real upset that I was going to the family party. That I was only going so they could feel sorry for me. The real reason she was upset is because she would have to explain why she wasn't there. While I was gone she asked what I told her sister. When I told her that I told her that W had other plans with someone else she blew up again. Telling me that she hated me and Thursday morning she was going to find a Lawyer. That she never wanted to see me again! Yesterday as I was traveling home we talked and everything were calm but still going to file. I said that was fine she had to do what she had to do. She asked why I wouldn't sign, I told her because I had to face myself when it was over. I never want to think I gave up on her. When I got home she said she didn't file because she spent the money on a jacket instead. But asked again if I wasn't going to sign. I said I couldn’t.
We talked about why she was so confused. She said she really didn't understand why or what she feels. Felt that if we divorced she could choose or not choose to stay with OM. She felt that while still M to me she was drawn to him. She told me how they fight alot and how his friends treat her bad. I told her she didn't have to let anyone treat her bad, that she was a good person with mistakes. Maybe it was all talk, but when she left she said, "thank you, I feel better about myself". I don't know if I did any good but at least we weren’t fighting. She was going to be gone for the whole weekend so we dint have to see each other, but when she left she said she might come home early.
I asked if she hated me for not signing, she said no. I told her that I hoped she understood my feeling on why I didn't want to sign and she said she wished I understood why she needed it.
What a circle of he!!.

Still looks like D is inevitable, but maybe we can be friends when it’s over.
CD

CD,
She is telling you about the fights that they have and that his friends treat her badly. She did not file because she spent the $ on a jacket?

She does not know what she wants, she wants you to sign the papers and be the bad guy so she can figure out if the OM is what she wants.

Can you see what is happening here? She is backpeddling, she is not ready to end your marriage even if she is not willing to commit to it. Hold on, keep up the good parenting and take care of yourself and the girls.

I was glad to hear from you, you were in my thoughts. You are going to make it, with or without her!

Thanks,
You are right, she doesn't know what she wants. I just got off the phone with her. She was asking when I was moving out, I said I had told her I wasn't going to. Once again she thinks I am playing with her, so again she said I could talk to her Lawyer and she was going to take everything she deserved. I said That was fine I couldn't stop her, But I still care about her. Then she replied she would move out on Monday and bring me a list of everything she wanted. I said OK. She even talked to the Ds and told them she didn't want to live with me any more and wouldn't come home until I left.
It hurts but I can't back down and do want she wants. I told her I was sorry that she thought I was playing with her, but I had to do things so that I felt good about it. She said she had to do the same.

I don't know what I'm doing right now. I am feeling lost.... again!
CD

I am wanting to call and talk to her. Is this wrong? How do I fight it, I feel if I do call its to clingy. And we would end up fighting for something. But I want her to know I do care, how do I show her? Or will she only see what she wants to right now?
I told the kids what was really going on. Was that wrong? I did because she told them she wasn't coming home while I was here.
CD

CD,

Your W is bouncing up and down. Very unstable at this momment.

IMHO, this means you need to secure stability for your children. You have indicated your W is angry no matter what you do. This is not good for the children. She is also claiming to remove them from your presence. If they are not safe with her, you may need to take measure to ensure their safety. Don't underestimate this issue.

Courts are much in favor of wives and you may need to show some stuff if you feel they are not safe or you will be kept from seeing your children as she acts out her anger upon them.

Be wise and be careful!

L.

Yes my W is angry most of the time. However there are times when i feel she is really looking for help. She doesn't know what she wants or needs to come out of this fog, I don't even know if its the fog thats keeping her down. She has never really been mean with the kids, I can not say that at all.
She left when I got back and came home today for a bit. She was going to go to her nieces blessing, but since I was going she said she wasn't. Got upset again for the fact that I wasn't moving out. She said she would find an apartment on Monday, she would come home until the kids are in bed then leave. Some how I don't see this as working very well. She is here with the kids and still gets to leave and be with OM.
What can I do?
How ever, before I left she said she hated me and was tired of me playing with her. But I recieved 3 text messages from her that said she didn't hate me, that she felt guilty for what she has done. That I was the best person she knows, and get this one. If she was single she would look me up.
I never know what to expect from day to day.
I just want my life back
CD

As NSR said, he is a vet of these boards as are me & WAT (over 15,00 posts just between us 3) so we have heard it all (and then some <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ).

Stop & take a breath. She will do stuff which is very predictable. Think about what YOU do. Don't react immediately to anything she does (except say thanks if it's something good).

Plan A. Be nice. Be pleasant. Don't LB. Don't argue. You don't have to agree with her (as in when she goes out with om or calls you every name in the book.) Simply be respectable to her EVEN when she disses you.

Lotsa stuff happening. ALL of it is "according to the ws script" - wherever that is! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I picked a few lines from your posts in this topic.

If I don't move into our other home i feel things could get real ugly.
But it will get nice if you do move out? DON'T MOVE OUT! It's not what married people do. It's one more thing she could use in the divorce. After all, YOU moved out.

Now I am really confused! She is divorcing me no matter what.

the papers are being filed if I want to or not.

One way or another she will DV me.
So she says. Many ws say this and many never even see a lawyer. Many others see a lawyer but never complete the paperwork or get it done but never actually file it.

Besides if you agree with it and go along with no resistance at all, it would appear to her (naturally) that you don't love her.

I aske dif she was going to see him.
Of course she is. Don't ask. Sets her up to lie & sets you up to get hurt.

Isn't my moving out because she is still seeing OM like plan B.
Sort of. BUT, you don't do a Plan B without a Plan B letter AND only after you have done a fantastic Plan A after at least 3 months.

Yes my W is angry most of the time. However there are times when i feel she is really looking for help.
Then show her you are there for her (this is Plan A.) You don't need to overdo it telling her this. By NOT LB, even when there is good reason, you show her you are someone she can trust.

[ January 06, 2003, 12:22 AM: Message edited by: Chris (CA123) ]

Ok, I just need to vent again. I went home and talked to W about the D. I explained that I couldn't just sign the papers because I never want to look back and wonder if I gave up to easy. She said I wasn't giving up, she was divorcing me. She was upset that I am making her get a lawyer, so I left before I I did any LBing. She called a bit later and said sorry, she didn't want to fight, she just wish I understood how she felt. She wanted to have a good relationship with me where we could go and do things with the kids and even go out together.
I just can't understand why we can do that and not try before its over. Why? Because she is dateing someone else! RThat pisses me off! I really want to find theis guy and let him know How I really feel!!!! I want to hurt him!!!

Sorry, It just built up.
CD

I went home and talked to W about the D.
DO NOT talk about it unless SHE brings it up. (Direct from Steve Harley)

She said I wasn't giving up, she was divorcing me.
Then let her do it. You don't have to go along "just because."

so I left before I I did any LBing.
Good job!

She called a bit later and said sorry,
Because you did not LB and make her feel as if she was justified in yelling at you.

I really want to find theis guy and let him know How I really feel!!!! I want to hurt him!!!

STOP!!!!
It's okay to feel this way. However, be very, very careful about letting it get out this is how you feel. If you see him, leave. Do not stick around & try to "talk." It could very easily get out of hand.

I am really wanting to cave and agree to what she wants.
I just got a call from W and she was asking why I put toys out in the garage that the OM and his mom got my girls for x-mas. I told her that it was because of where they came from. Ofcourse that wasn't right, she said they didn't know where they came from, I told her I do!
So she asked if I was moving out Friday. I asked what Friday was, the day shes taking the papers to court. I said I wasn't moving until the D was final. Is that wrong? She again told me she hates me sometimes. I just feel like I am makeing sure I have no chance to get back together, ever!
I am so full of anxiody (if thats how its spelled) I want to curl up in a corner and just stay there. Why is this so hard, I see it happening to alot on this board. Shouldn't I be pissed off at the world and takeing my stuff and leaving? I feel helpless.
CD

CD:

You have every right to be tweaked. Just vent here all you want. Don't LB to your W.

As to what she wants. You know better than ever before that she has no idea what she wants. She isn't thinking rationally at all. Won't for months more at least. Just try to avoid DV talk or R talk if at all possible. Try to be patient. Stick by your guns. You are a respectable person, and if you can consistently show her that you have no intention of spearheading a DV or some other ridiculous "we can even start dating and doing stuff together" plan (heck, you're M'd, doing stuff together should be EASY).

No doubt, this will continue to be hard. But anything worth while is difficult. If you didn't love your W, in spite of what she's doing, you'd be relieved, not hurt. Please hang in there and be the best dad you can.

Another pleasnt night at home. The W was here til bed time then left. She called shorty after to tell me that if I wanted to make changes to the papers that she needed them by Wed morning. The lawyer was taking it to the courts on Friday. I was making the changes then thought why do I need to do it now? I have the right to answer the papers. I have 20 days to return them, why rush things?
I just don't know if I am doing more harm than good. But what does it matter, she isn't being nice at all. I just can'r believe that she would be doing this out in front of me. That really hurts. But I can't do it her way, I have to know I did all I could. I did alot of LBing but I think I am back to a good plan A.
When should I move out? Wait til the papers are filed or wait til the D is Final? Just don't know any more.
CD

When in doubt?!?!?? Stay put. Let her move around.... she is the antsy one.

If you have 20 days, then you have 20 days. Use them as you need. If she questions is, just say the docs are under review. She questions the type of review, say I will get back to you on that..... be as vague as they are in the A.

One thingy about WS they want quick and accurate responses from the BS. Well they may want it but the BS doesn't have to give it. Your choice.

As for her coming and going....well if it is your front door, you have the right not to let her in. Yes it may anger her but look at what it is doing to you.

JMHO,
L.

Yes it will anger her, but I guess that shouldn't be to big of a concern. After all she has done things withoout reguard to my feelings.
As for locking her out, I don't think so. That is against the law as it is her house also and she is on the morgage. Maybe I can just take the kids out for some fun or something.
My oldest D is suffering so much, I can see it in her eyes. But she is so special, to hear her say "It's ok daddy, your trying" makes me want to just die. The little one is playing her card early, Told me last night "I want to live witrh mommy". What a little turkey!
I pray they don't suffer because of us.
Cd

CD:

They will suffer. Rest assured (or otherwise). It's a crying shame that the WS can't see this while it's happening, or if they can, they can't see the "obvious" way out.

Take care,

I just don't get it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
We had a pleasent evening (no fighting about a D)
we put the kids to bed then she tells me she wanted to go to the movies. Asked if it was alright if she came back afterwards if she wanted to. I said you are always welcome here. She talked more about why she needed the D and her guilt, and sorry she was hurting me.... blah, blah, blah! She comes to me to ask how she looked. (Is that just inconsiderate or what?)
Then I get a call from her asking if I was mad at her? I said I wasn't mad Just a little hurt. Then she went into the papers again. I said I didn't understand alot of it and I would just take them to the lawyer when I get served. She said its going to cost her alot if she has to take them back to the lawyer if I don't like something. I told her I wanted to be friends but I guess to her that means I would just sign. I told her just because she serves me doesn't mean we have to fight.
I guess that can't happen that way, if she serves me we are fighting. AGGGHHHH!! I just want to scream!
Then goes off on my playing with her. Agian said she'll just move out and I can't talk to her any more! I can talk to her lawyer!
Why don't I just give up? I hate this, it is draining me! What do I do?
CD