I moved out some of my stuff yesterday. It was hard to start the proccess of seperating things.
I asked her yesterday to sign herself off our joint account, and she acted as if I was leaveing her with nothing. (don't know why, why didn't have anything) She started in with " why don't you just sign if we are serating everything. I told her I needed time to adjust and make sure I had things in order before I signed anything. She asked how long I needed and I told her I asked for 2 months. She when ape sh!!. Said she wasn't living this he!! any longer and she would get an lawyer and I could talk to him. She went on to say that she wasn't asking for anything and legally she could ask for alimony and take alot more. I told her we don't have to do it that way, but if she wanted to go to court that would be fine. I stayed at home tonight, but she said she needed to go food shopping. She called a little bit later and said she needed time and if it was alright to stay out for a couple of hours, I aske dif she was going to see him. She got upset and said no but she didn't have to tell me if she was or not. I know thats where she went! I hate her for being so.......
Sometimes I think I should ask for custody of my D's but I don't know what my chances are. Then what if she wants to try and take them away from me? Now she is upset because I said I was going to take the D's to her family New Years Eve party. She is only mad because she knows they will ask where she is and I will tell them the truth. That we are seperating and Ding because she wants to be with someione else. I just can't let her live this double life any more.

Am I doing the right thing?
CD

CD - I haven't read all of your story, so forgive me if I'm not up to date. There may be circumstances that negate my response.

Why are you moving out?

Do you have a separation agreement?

Why haven't you already revealed the affair to the light of day? By all means, take your daughters to her family's and answer all questions honestly. After all, if either of you is moving out, the questions will come.

Regarding custody - you will only hurt your chances for joint custody if you abandon the family. Unless you're a total creep, it's not likely she can get full custody.

The best way to keep from getting "walked all over" at this point is NOT to move out. IMHO, this is absolutely the worst thing you can do. Let her do this, if she insists.

citydweller,

Do not move out!!!!! This is her train wreck, not yours.

I moved out but I was lied to and once you are out it is not something that is easily reversed.

Go to the New Years Party, have fun, shed daylight if asked! There is no point in assisting her lie, right?

I repeat, do not move out!!!!

Now I am really confused! She is divorcing me no matter what. She has done up the papers on line and I am having them looked over right now. If I don't move into our other home i feel things could get real ugly. Then it would ruin any chance if any to get back together afterward. I guess I might be doing what she wants by me moving out. I just don't want this to get ugly. We are getting a D, so I would be moving anyway. I she wants the current home and I want the other one anyway. We told our OD and she knew all about a D from her friend, didn't faze her a bit.
I am so lost and confused, I don't know what is right. I can't stay in the house and watch her go out knowing she is going to see him. I have been having dreams about it and I can't sleep.
I hate her for doing this to me!! It hurts so much!!
\CD

CD...worthatry is correct. You need to make sure that your rights are protected...as are your children's. If you move out without some type of agreement it may be viewed by the courts as abandonment. Move carefully. You need something written down on paper, even if it's not legally binding, it can be given to the courts as a form of verbal agreement if nothing else.

As for custody...IF you want custody of your children for THEIR best interests and yours...then go for it. Men have just as much right to seek custody as women...and are getting it much more often then before...thank goodness. HOWEVER, if you are trying to "get back" at the WW by using the children...STOP!

I know you're in the military and that you will soon be assigned somewhere else...so be sure that you have the resources to care for your children fulltime if you go for full custody and are sent where the children can not go with you.

I know it hurts! I can't imagine what it feels like to be dealing with an on-going affair...I wasn't faced with this aspect. But...you must think clearly about your rights and protect yourself. Now is the time to do so! You MUST make sure that rather she stays or goes...your life is going to be stable and secure...for you and your children.

I also agree...don't lie to others! Don't have to go into great detail, but make it clear that the destruction of your marriage is by her choice...not yours.

Citydweller,
You have some wonderful people in your corner with great advice. The hardest thing I ever learned was that when she had something to say to me I couldn't punish her for telling the truth. Whe we talked about getting back together I said we both had to be honest, not to hurt the other but to give the other a fair chance of knowing where the other is and what is needed.
I agree with getting something in writing to protect "both" of you. Tell your wife you would rather not moving but you see that as the only way to not push each other further away. Let her know that time apart may be good for both of you. Let her know that if you can agree on terms and split things in a fair way you will give her space. I suggest going for joint custody if possible when/if this comes up. When I was going through this I was afraid of the kids living with her 5 days a week and visiting me 1-2 days, and losing touch with them. I didn't want to loose her and them. My wife agreed to this, but as it played out she found she was gaining HIM but loosing half the time with the kids. It was a poor trade. I also started taking time for myself when they were with her and got household stuff done so that when they were with me I could relax and be there for them. I also learned about all the things my wife did in the home that I now had to do. She missed much of my help too.
The long and short of it I see is that living with her while she is doing this is harder that living apart. When I was living with my wife during contact with OM it tore me apart and made it hard to be calm or giving. When we lived apart I had more time for Me and didn't have to be on edge all the time, But I missed her so much.
Keep in mind what you do and say and how you do this, will affect your life.

Thanks so much for ur help. We have talked this out and we both see that being apart is the only way. When I am home she is filled with anxiety and feels trapped. I get to mushy and start asking how she feels and what she is doing. I won't be abandoning my girls, as they will be spending the majority of the time with me.

Daniel, did you get a D or just split up? And are you back together now or still working it?

CD

I will be short ... do you want your kid ?. Stay put otherwise they are going to be around OM as soon as you move out !!!!!. I stay put for my 2 D and I helped them pass this mess ... 3 different conselors (2 mediator MFT & 1 coparenting MFT) said my 2 D recovered and went into acceptance & show no impact.

I know it ripped apart you guts and feeling but you know what to do. Stay put., learn to walk away and avoid/control your anger. Focus on your kids ... Again do you want your WW bringing OM in your home, slepping in your bed and playing dady to your kids ?. I don't know which states you are living in but in CA the temporary custody is looked as the base for permarnent one.

About reconsiliation in the future ... I gave you 2x4 now . It is bullsh!t by moving out. The only chance you have is plan A your butt out. Show that you are capable of change and a changed man. There is no better place to show it other than living right there. Yes, it is easier to move out than staying putfor you right now . Do you think you could reconsile in the future if the moment you move out she brings in OM ?, eating on your plate & sleeping on your bed ? and make a hellish situation for your kids ?. Think again.

The only way I would support you to move out if you have a problem with anger and you know that you won't be able to do plan A. Plan A is not for everyone, it takes gut to do it. However if you have issues such as chemical dependency such as alcohol/drugs or your are abusive (anger) .... yes, you should move out in that extreme case to solve your problem first. It needs a lot of love and support to get out addiction and right now you have none in yuor home.

Just my 2¢. -rh-

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 10:41 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

CD,
You said in your other thread that the house you were moving into was rented by another woman and her child. Has this changed? You got an awful lot of advise to NOT move in with another woman even if it was "innocent".

You do not have to move out of your home. You say that you are thinking about a future reconciliation? about possibly asking for custody? Forget about those if you make this move. You will be opening the door of your home, wife and children to the OM. You will also put yourself in a bad legal position.

It might be easier to avoid conflict right now by moving out, but in the long run I believe that you are making a big mistake. Let her move out if she wants to... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

OK I see yoour worries, but the papers are being filed if I want to or not. If i take the kids with me and they live with me, doesn't that account for anything? If I tell her I am stay and she should go doesn't that drive her right into OM arms?
Maybe I should get an appointment with the Harleys
and see what kind of advise thay have on this one.

I think I know my W a little bit, I know she isn't herself and she has done nothing but lie to me, but I don't think she will make problems.
I can't stop the DV, I have stalled all I can and she is getting more pissed off at me. All I can do is make it so we are not enemies when its all done. If I say I am not moving out she will get a lawyer and let him talk to me. One way or another she will DV me.

CD

Yes, it looks like one way or the other she will probably divorce you but you do not have to bend to her wishes right now. If the papers are filed, just sit tight and try to take each day as it comes. I agree about calling Dr. Harley, this issue is too important for any of us to give advice. Your future could be impacted greatly by a bad decision. PLEASE call him today and do not move out until you talk to him. Blessings to you, Ladysing

<small>[ December 31, 2002, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: Ladysing58 ]</small>

See a lawyer. NOw. Today. You need professional advice. Your future and your D's future is at stake.

I will do 2x4 again to you ....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by citydweller:
<strong>OK I see yoour worries, but the papers are being filed if I want to or not. If i take the kids with me and they live with me, doesn't that account for anything? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't file she does ... so wait until you get serve. She is in control let her do her deed. I don't think she will let you take the kid ..., I will be surprised if she let you. Ask her ... what if question ....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>If I tell her I am stay and she should go doesn't that drive her right into OM arms? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No you stay and say nothing ... don't tell her to move ... I let my wife move out on her own w/ OM ... her justification ?, to spare my 2 D feeling ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Maybe I should get an appointment with the Harleys
and see what kind of advise thay have on this one.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do so ... we are not professional and we don't have all the detail ... Harleys will do intake.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I think I know my W a little bit, I know she isn't herself and she has done nothing but lie to me, but I don't think she will make problems.
I can't stop the DV, I have stalled all I can and she is getting more pissed off at me. All I can do is make it so we are not enemies when its all done. If I say I am not moving out she will get a lawyer and let him talk to me. One way or another she will DV me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is my 2¢. She is determine to Dv you ... stoping will be LB'ed. Let her lawyer talk to you ... and retain a lawyer to meet with hers. Unless she screams abuse and file RO ... you will not parted from your house. OM is pressuring her and/or her addiction to OM requires her to get more doses (24/7). This is classic ...the moment you move out ... OM is in, she could not wait. Sorry, it is the truth.

What to do ?
Read MB and understand LB, LB$, plan A/B, and read HNHN, SAA. Follow many links provided. Shut up in the present of your WW ... don't ask her where she has been or where she is going ... you know the answer ... let it be, avoid LB at all cost. You need to disect your M right now and need to do plan A action ....!.

-rh-

OK, I have really thought about all that has been said on this post and the other one. I think I need to stay put and let her deal with what ever she decides to do.
I know OMs frieds dad is a divorce lawyer and he will probably help her out and really let me have it, but I guess if I gave up now it would be worse. I would have to live with the fact that I gave up. I won't stop the DV but I will not just sign away either. I hope this doesn't get ugly, I don't want my Ds to have to go through all of that. I hope she sees that I am not doing this to be revengful or hateful, but somehow let her know I love her and want to try to reconcile.
I don't think she will take it like that, but I will know what I was trying to do. I think the key will be to show nothing but love and never LBst. It will be hard, I pray I have the strength to do it. I know she will have a fit because I am going to her family party with or without her.

I just found out I have to go Nashville tomorrow. Its just for a day, so maybe I will wait until i leave before I tell her I will not be moving out. Give her aday to cool down or find somewhere to go.
Wish me luck.
CD

You're right...she likely won't take it the way you mean it...but then she's got her own plans...and having you leave is high on her list.

You can NOT control what she does. If she is bound and determined to get a divorce...she will! But, you don't have to bend over and take everything she dishes out either.

You need to put your focus on what is best for you and your children and make sure that the future rights of same are protected.

When you're the injured party...the last thing you normally want to do is leave. You should stay right where you are and if she wants to live separately...then she can move...to wherever she wishes. Your position is much stronger in a court of law if you STAY. There is no question of abandonment on your part.

Get thee to a lawyer! Follow his/her advice to the letter. Talking to SH might make it much easier to deal with everything...give it a try.

Good Luck!

I had a thought come to me.
Isn't my moving out because she is still seeing OM like plan B. If I had no contact and so on?
CD

CD - first, we're with you, pal. You can count on us.

Now, be honest with us - IF she files for divorce, what has happened to make it "ugly?"

Yep, she might try to manufacture something to make it uglier than it already is, but is there ANYTHING you've done that she can exploit?

In other words, what would be her grounds for divorce?

Forget about Plan B for now. Yes, when a separation occurs, it may be a prime time for Plan B - but not if your Plan A hasn't been complete, as far as demonstration of your improvements goes.

WAT

You can see by the number of posts I've made...
...I am a veteran of the boards.

The correct message (and I've said this so many times before) to all BHs with children...
...has been voiced by all of the above!

Stay at home...
...you know now where your place is!

Being selfless to your D is the greatest sign of love you could ever show her. To have the responsible parent close at hand... and sticking through the tough times is something you will be greatly admired for!... even if your W follows through with the worst.

Love to you and yours.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Well, as of now her grounds for divorce is simply we are not getting along and reconcilation is not possible. That is all she needs here.
I have pictures with a girl I met but nothing she can really use against me. Ugly just meaning she might ask for full custody, and alimony.
If I stay at home and sign the papers? would that be better? I don't know.
CD

Right now, anything would be better than you moving out, thats her agenda, don't do it.

Take your trip to Nashville, come home and get an appt. with Dr. Harley. Stay put and take care of yourself. You can't control her but you do not have to walk away from your family. BE STRONG, we are here for support, but get professional counseling and legal help.