Why we have affairs. - 11/04/03 02:57 PM
As a OW/WW I have spent 3 yrs in C. I have learned so much about myself and others. I only wish I had learned it before I hurt myself and others.
I visit MB site and seen the same painful events happen over & over again. I feel compelled to give some insight from the OW or WW in which case I am both. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I the OW seem to be the outgoing, confident,mostly positive, caring person. I like to do things for people, and often found if fun and challenging to help evryone. It made me feel accepted & needed. I would also have friends. Guess what, all of that was selfish on my part.
You see a person that enters into an A is nothing more than selfish. Yes,all of us are selfish, but those of us who choose to enter into an A has the ultimate trait of selfishness!
Women that have A are perceived on the surface as caring, confident humans. Those traits are used for selfish reasons. They do those things in the name of caring because they want to get something out of it...Attention, Love, Soulmate, Emotional stability, Friends. We will go to great lengths to accomplish it. What we don't see or won't see is,none of that is achieved in an A or any relationship.
As a OW/WW I have been in that trap several times. (only one affair, but several relationships) I felt loved when I was helping a man though hard times and he in turn would help me. (Sometimes my needs were embelished) Of course, we both thought it was love not realizing our selfishness would eventually eat away our relationship, as it did several times. People in A only see the good in each other, because it is "new". Often we will be very interested in the "new" ideas of the other person.
We mistake that this new love will be different. "I've learned from my mistakes" I won't make them with this person. Well guess what?? When selfishness "love" has driven us to enter into an A, why do we think it will make for a good relationship anytime, especially when it formed from a dishonest start, which is what an A is. It will never work! All A are dishonest and trust has been broken. It would only be a matter of time, usually 2 yrs that the relationship would sour. Statistics prove that.
I thought, made myself believe, I wasn't a selfish person. My "caring" traits made me feel better, as I learned from C. Looking back, I had an outstanding acting career, I not only fooled others but also myself. In the process of my selfishness in my relationships I hurt people. Some moved on and some will have terrible scars.
In each new relationship, I for one increased my expectations for the one I "fell" for. They seem to have salary increases if you know what I mean. It was due to working eviroment or access I would be at that given time. I am able to know which men are in need or my "caring" trait. Did I say "caring"??This is not to say I don't care..I used it in the wrong way. I of course I would get something out of this man. Soulmate, Trust, Emotional help, Love.
How could I or any WS,OW,OM think in the long-run that any of that would come from a relationship with 2 people that are selfish enough to break marriage vows and trust. Oh, I forgot we are "caring". "Caring/Selfish" enough to care what they will get out of the relationship, a person who needs me and will appreciate me.
You see I have learned a lot about this person that is "caring/selfish". I would seek advise from men and women, they in turn had their egos stroke and a friendship would form. I would be "caring" at all cost even for the assumption I was in love. I do need to be loved, that is an inborn desire, but OW/WW use good traits "caring" for selfish reasons. We want to "care" for others because it makes us feel needed, appreciated, therefore we feel good about ourselves. Loved, we think.
Women generally have a knack to know when and how to emotionally need/use other people. We know how to make others, especially men feel needed, in turn to get what we want all in the name of love. SELFISH.
When it is all said and done the truly unselfish loving person is the BS that chooses to stick with their WS. That is LOVE. That is the unselfish human being we all would forever want for a spouse. If we could all be so lucky.
A word to all you men who emotionally need someone. Speaking as the OW/WW there are common give away clues that encourage women to seek out and "care" for a new man. These are a few I noticed, I'm sure there are more. 1) Drug/Alchol problems. 2)Working long hrs.(there's either no wife, or wife isn't important). 3)No pictures of wife in work area. 4)Very little, if any mention of wife to co-workers, only talk of children. 5) Converstion of wife/marriage is somewhat neg. 6) Health problems. 7) Relationship problems (work/home).
These are all clues to perceptive women.(most women are perceptive) You are men that seem needy to a needy women, and selfishly that need is mistaken for love. I found through my relationships different needs for different men, and I would use my needs to get to his needs.(usually whatever I found was important to him) Aren't women sweet? This is not to say men don't play a big part in the A. Those of us that chose to have an A or enter into a relationship can only find out later that it was selfishness not love that fueled the "caring" relationship.
I hope this will prevent an A or help all who think they are in love with another person. We fail to recongize that this "new" person is also selfish or they would not be involved. We may be caring but, obviously we aren't, or we would have cared and worked it out with spouses. We are needy, not caring. When entering into anA and think of marriage to that person, we are only appeasing our immediate need of being needed. What the hell makes us think day to day life would be anything, but hell, with 2 people who came together as a sounding board of "caring/selfish" therpy.
What good trait either of us have would vanish due to the selfish circumstances we came together Two of my men were great guys, but they had their faults contrary to what I wanted to believe. I learned some things that will make me better from all the relationships, but that doesn't make those relationships work. The selfish act of A destroys the relationship. I am not a Christian per say, but I have heard about the bible. If the bible is true or not, it makes sense why 2 adulterers would fall out of love, if they ever were in love. The relationship would be hell.
Is anyone awake?? I have put most to sleep I'm sure. Please do keep these thoughts in mind when the opportunity comes to become involved with OP. Put your energy in your marriage. Those of us that have ended a marriage should not even consider a new relationship for awhile. My thought is 2 yrs or more. If you are dating now, don't get involved with someone that has just ended a relationship, they too need to have time.
I visit MB site and seen the same painful events happen over & over again. I feel compelled to give some insight from the OW or WW in which case I am both. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I the OW seem to be the outgoing, confident,mostly positive, caring person. I like to do things for people, and often found if fun and challenging to help evryone. It made me feel accepted & needed. I would also have friends. Guess what, all of that was selfish on my part.
You see a person that enters into an A is nothing more than selfish. Yes,all of us are selfish, but those of us who choose to enter into an A has the ultimate trait of selfishness!
Women that have A are perceived on the surface as caring, confident humans. Those traits are used for selfish reasons. They do those things in the name of caring because they want to get something out of it...Attention, Love, Soulmate, Emotional stability, Friends. We will go to great lengths to accomplish it. What we don't see or won't see is,none of that is achieved in an A or any relationship.
As a OW/WW I have been in that trap several times. (only one affair, but several relationships) I felt loved when I was helping a man though hard times and he in turn would help me. (Sometimes my needs were embelished) Of course, we both thought it was love not realizing our selfishness would eventually eat away our relationship, as it did several times. People in A only see the good in each other, because it is "new". Often we will be very interested in the "new" ideas of the other person.
We mistake that this new love will be different. "I've learned from my mistakes" I won't make them with this person. Well guess what?? When selfishness "love" has driven us to enter into an A, why do we think it will make for a good relationship anytime, especially when it formed from a dishonest start, which is what an A is. It will never work! All A are dishonest and trust has been broken. It would only be a matter of time, usually 2 yrs that the relationship would sour. Statistics prove that.
I thought, made myself believe, I wasn't a selfish person. My "caring" traits made me feel better, as I learned from C. Looking back, I had an outstanding acting career, I not only fooled others but also myself. In the process of my selfishness in my relationships I hurt people. Some moved on and some will have terrible scars.
In each new relationship, I for one increased my expectations for the one I "fell" for. They seem to have salary increases if you know what I mean. It was due to working eviroment or access I would be at that given time. I am able to know which men are in need or my "caring" trait. Did I say "caring"??This is not to say I don't care..I used it in the wrong way. I of course I would get something out of this man. Soulmate, Trust, Emotional help, Love.
How could I or any WS,OW,OM think in the long-run that any of that would come from a relationship with 2 people that are selfish enough to break marriage vows and trust. Oh, I forgot we are "caring". "Caring/Selfish" enough to care what they will get out of the relationship, a person who needs me and will appreciate me.
You see I have learned a lot about this person that is "caring/selfish". I would seek advise from men and women, they in turn had their egos stroke and a friendship would form. I would be "caring" at all cost even for the assumption I was in love. I do need to be loved, that is an inborn desire, but OW/WW use good traits "caring" for selfish reasons. We want to "care" for others because it makes us feel needed, appreciated, therefore we feel good about ourselves. Loved, we think.
Women generally have a knack to know when and how to emotionally need/use other people. We know how to make others, especially men feel needed, in turn to get what we want all in the name of love. SELFISH.
When it is all said and done the truly unselfish loving person is the BS that chooses to stick with their WS. That is LOVE. That is the unselfish human being we all would forever want for a spouse. If we could all be so lucky.
A word to all you men who emotionally need someone. Speaking as the OW/WW there are common give away clues that encourage women to seek out and "care" for a new man. These are a few I noticed, I'm sure there are more. 1) Drug/Alchol problems. 2)Working long hrs.(there's either no wife, or wife isn't important). 3)No pictures of wife in work area. 4)Very little, if any mention of wife to co-workers, only talk of children. 5) Converstion of wife/marriage is somewhat neg. 6) Health problems. 7) Relationship problems (work/home).
These are all clues to perceptive women.(most women are perceptive) You are men that seem needy to a needy women, and selfishly that need is mistaken for love. I found through my relationships different needs for different men, and I would use my needs to get to his needs.(usually whatever I found was important to him) Aren't women sweet? This is not to say men don't play a big part in the A. Those of us that chose to have an A or enter into a relationship can only find out later that it was selfishness not love that fueled the "caring" relationship.
I hope this will prevent an A or help all who think they are in love with another person. We fail to recongize that this "new" person is also selfish or they would not be involved. We may be caring but, obviously we aren't, or we would have cared and worked it out with spouses. We are needy, not caring. When entering into anA and think of marriage to that person, we are only appeasing our immediate need of being needed. What the hell makes us think day to day life would be anything, but hell, with 2 people who came together as a sounding board of "caring/selfish" therpy.
What good trait either of us have would vanish due to the selfish circumstances we came together Two of my men were great guys, but they had their faults contrary to what I wanted to believe. I learned some things that will make me better from all the relationships, but that doesn't make those relationships work. The selfish act of A destroys the relationship. I am not a Christian per say, but I have heard about the bible. If the bible is true or not, it makes sense why 2 adulterers would fall out of love, if they ever were in love. The relationship would be hell.
Is anyone awake?? I have put most to sleep I'm sure. Please do keep these thoughts in mind when the opportunity comes to become involved with OP. Put your energy in your marriage. Those of us that have ended a marriage should not even consider a new relationship for awhile. My thought is 2 yrs or more. If you are dating now, don't get involved with someone that has just ended a relationship, they too need to have time.