Does MB really work? Let's find out! - Marriage Builders® Forums

There are 31,000 people registered on this board. That's a huge number. Obviously they're all self-referring (which means they showed up here for a reason), but it's still an interesting group. So I'd like to take a poll to see whether MB really does work, and if so, how well. If you've been married more than once, please answer the questions for the marriage you were in when you first came to MB.

Obviously the results will be biased based on the skewed population who answers the poll. Nonetheless, I bet we'll learn something interesting. So....... Please take the poll! (I'd like to get at least a thousand people to respond! Is that crazy?)

I've never been in plan A or B but I was still forced to choose an answer for questions 14 & 16.

JustJ,

Please add a 'not applicable' option to questions 14 and 16. I can't save my responses because I can't answer these.

Thanks,
AnnieK

Unfortunately, I can't edit the poll after it's been posted. If you've never been in Plans A or B, please choose "end of the behavior" option. *sigh* I knew I'd miss something!

(Edited to correct my response, since I was thinking of the wrong questions.)

[ November 25, 2003, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: Just J ]

Suggestion -
Question 12 (Have the concepts improved your marriage?) doesn't give a choice for those who found and/or implemented MB after separation/divorce...so I had to answer "not at all" even though technically that isn't true. Since this question seems to be the crux of what your poll is for (finding out if MB works) it seems this question may be skewed by those who had to answer as I did...

Great poll idea, just needs some fine tuning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We would need a control group that did not use MB methods for comparison.

It is interresting though.

I think I figured one thing out.

Bear.

SS

I played. Hope lots will participate.

Could be interesting. I will, however, point out something else: many for whom the MB practices have worked have moved on and are absent form this forum, so your results will be skewed from that standpoint.

*S*

[ November 25, 2003, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: *Sparkle* ]

I can't vote because I have not used the MB strategy long enough to judge it fairly. I hope that somebody will post the Poll results once in a while.

Thanks,

I did Plan A in total ignorance of MB Plan A or the EA, but it worked. EA was not exposed for 18 months and there was an immediate NC.

Sparkle, I don't know. How many of the 31,000 registered moved on because their marriages improved? and how many moved on because MB was no hope whatsoever? And then there's the group who just couldn't do Plan A to save their lives. They leave pretty quickly.

So, I'm not sure I buy the party line about those who have been helped moving on. We just don't know. Maybe this poll will help a little bit. I enjoyed it.

Bump! (Bear. Hm. Yes, close.)

And another bump, which will have to last until I get back on Friday night.

Baer?

Please have a very good thaksgiving - I would be pleased if you would.

Should I leave it alone?

SS

greengables,

You are absolutely correct: not only should we consider those who have moved on because they are in recovery, but those who may have failed, for whaever reason. I agree.

However,

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> I'm not sure I buy the party line about those who have been helped moving on. <hr /></blockquote>The "party line" thing, IMHO, might be a bit harsh. After all, aren't we all here because we have HOPE, not because we are necessarily buying into the "party line."

We have to believe.

*S*

Just J

Regardless of the results, the quesion as to whether MB works is not going to be answered by a poll because there are so many factors to consider.

If you asked this question every month, you would likely get a different answer each month.

If you believe that the principles will work and you apply them appropriately,regardless of the outcome, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave your all to restore the relationship.

No one can ask more of you.

Beau

You can't quantify the people who won't answer, or who aren't here.

Obviously 5 years on MB is anecdotal, but,

I've seen so many move on quickly because:
a) crisis is not real
b) crisis was averted
c) one bad decison by WS, remorseful, not repeated
d) multiple bad decisons by WS, remorseful when caught
e) no more posting on MB is a POJA of reconicliation
f) BS token effort had own OP in sight
g) BS wanted out
h) BS feeling no option, divorce filed
i) WS feeling no option, divorce filed
h) no more posting because it interferes with recovery

And that just the options I can think of without a lot of reflection. I'm sure more could be added.

I think those are all valid, Lor, but at the same time, it doesn't necessarly make the poll useless. In all those cases where people move on quickly, they do so without applying the MB principles. What happens to those marriages happens without the principles being applied.

What I want to know is what good applying the principles is. I do wish we could find a control group, but since I'm not actually a researcher, I'm probably not going to go to those lengths! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<blockquote>quote:<hr /> In all those cases where people move on quickly, they do so without applying the MB principles. <hr /></blockquote>Not necessarily. Remember, this is a merely message board...nothing more. Those people who "moved on quickly" may still be using the principles. They may have the books, they may be counseling with one of the Harleys, they may be reading all the info on the MB site. Just because they are not posting on the board doesn't mean they are not using the concepts.

*S*

[ November 29, 2003, 07:59 AM: Message edited by: *Sparkle* ]

You're absolutely right, *S*. And then there are all the lurkers who read and read and read and never post, and yet use the concepts (or don't) in their own marriages.

Like I said, there's a lot wrong with this poll. Still, it tells me more than I knew before I posted it, so I think it's worthwhile.

Yes, and it's fun. Never forget the entertainmemt value !

I can't believe I said that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I mean, it has been very interresting to see this thread unfold. Thank you so very much for the thoughts.

Wow, sometimes I come close to slipping up. Need to be more careful.

SS

Hm. Sadly, there is entertainment value in these things. I wish that I were pure enough not to see it. I'm not that pure.

I answered your poll a few days ago, even where there were answers that really didn't fit....

I'm one of those that MB helped personally, however in reading the replies I had this thought, that even though the WS & I have been separated for 2.5 yrs now I still plan A him & try not to do LB's not to save our marriage but so we can continue to co-parent our sons. And it works unlike so many here my STBX or maybe one day X is a very good father and he helps me in ways that are hard to believe for the most part and I do him. When we do go off on each other now we both apoligize. Very strange.......Just my thoughts....

I'm one of the ones who has left because I am focusing my time and attention to my M rather than MB. My W says that one day she wants to get on here and post for some of the W who are in situations as she found herself. I also know that I have helped one other friend reconcile with his wife and am currently helping another whose W seems to be turning around. So I know it has helped me and others thru this site and Dr Harley's books. And btw, Steve was also a great help when I needed him.

knight

Thanks very much for posting, Knight. It's good to have folks like you around, and I do hope your W comes and posts, too!

Sing, do you really mean you Plan A your ex? Or do you just treat him with respect? (Plan A would include all that exposure and asking him to end the affair and stuff...)

Well, since eleventy-one people have now responded to the post (yay! Only several hundred to go), I think I'll post a couple of things that I find particularly interesting about the results so far:

- 79% of respondents came here because of infidelity.

- 79% of respondents are still married.

Why is this interestting? Because I've repeatedly read that only 1 in 3 marriages survives infidelity. Looks like folks here beat those odds nicely.

Next interesting thing: Nearly everyone (97%)feels that they've improved either some or a lot because of the MB principles, and nearly everyone (94%) also believes that they've gotten rid of some or a lot of the LBs that they committed. And the most popular LBs? AOs and DJs. Hurray! (Yep, that's me...)

Last interesting thing for the moment: It appears that the Rule of Time is the hardest one for people to follow. Most people who are not in Plans B or D were able to do POJA, be honest, and meet needs most of the time. But a whopping 78% (!!!!!) of the people who aren't in Plans B or D don't meet the rule of time (15 hours a week or more).

Oh, one other interesting thing to note. 95% of couples who enter marital counseling get divorced.

Looks to me like the MB site has a GREAT record in comparison to that!

bump! 125 have taken the poll. Only 31,000+ to go! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Just J
I was wondering what conclusion you drew of the poll.

Well, to answer my own question, "Does MB really work?" Yes, I would say that it "works" in a couple very important ways. First, it helps individuals a great deal. It teaches them about themselves and how to better handle a very bad situation in their marriages. I suspect that just giving people a guide when they feel lost in a howling wilderness helps a great deal. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for marriages, it's much harder to say whether it helps or not. If I do a little interpolating amongst the various responses, I think that probably a quarter of the people who responded have been here for more than six months and yet have seen no improvement in the bad situation that brought them here.

Given that infidelity can take a couple of years to resolve itself and is devastating for a marriage, it doesn't surprise me that there is a large fraction of casualties. It's still sad, though.

Another thing that I find really interesting is that there are a lot of people who, even though they were here and wanted to work on their marriages, filed for divorce. 20 while they were in Plan A, 27 while they were in Plan B. (There may well be some overlap, there, but I don't know how much.)

In fact, in total, more MB folks filed for divorce than spouses.

I wonder what caused so many people to feel that they had to end their marriages instead of continuing to try to save them.

There are some other conclusions, too. The average MB poster appears to be female (63%), has been here for more than six months and less than five years, came here because of infidelity (80%), and is still married (80%).

That's particularly interesting because the MB books and thoughts are actually written to be more easily accessible to men who are dealing with unfaithful spouses than women who are dealing with it. Luckily, there are lots of "interpreters" around here who can translate.

I've already commented on how interesting I find the infidelity (80%) and divorce (20%) statistics, so I won't go through that again for the moment.

I also think it's interesting how much people get out of this site individually. It has considerably more positive effect on individuals than on their marriages.

I'm sure I have more conclusions, but that's it for the moment!

Bump! 131 responses and counting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'am so thankful for finding this site. It has helped me beyond my expectations. Considering all the unanswered questions i had before coming, I'am a better educated person in relationships, because of this site. All i can say is, Thanks for helping a broken heart heal, god bless......

Yes, but did you take the poll, wokeup?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I, too, have been very much helped by the information and people here. And I, too, am very grateful that it's here.