Can anyone (betrayers & betrayed) please give me your experience on how a Internet Affair affected your marriage in a positive or negative way.<P>I recently was involved in an Internet Affair and it is not a pleasant rollercoaster ride.

Well, <P>I have been in counseling for 8 months and my husband for 4 and we just started an additional session together. <P>As I tell my counselor - I wish he HAD been with her, atleast I could understand the attraction and betrayal. It would have been tangible. <P>I just can't understand how someone could have an internet affair, especially a purely fantasy one and feel CLOSE to that fictional person on the screen. <P>I see that as very very sad. It has done as much if not more damage to our marriage as a PA would. <P>J

Confused-N-Sad<P>I had both a physical affair (a one night stand) and several internet affairs. My H found out about the internet affairs before he found out about my phyical affair. It hurt just as much though.<P>I think by both happening, it helped us to open up more to each other, at least to some degree. I still have a hard time telling him everything but I am doing better. We both found out that we hadn't been meeting each other's needs. I haven't been in the chat rooms and other places where the affairs in almost two years. <P>It's been a long road and very rocky at times but we are doing better. I hurt my H very much by the affairs but I have also learned that no matter what happens I can always tell him and rely on him for anything.<BR>

genesform, thank you for replying. I'm very sorry that you & your H are going through this.<P>I, myself, don't understand how I got so caught up with this, especially since I never actually met the person in real life. But somehow, I got emotionally attached. I thought I could be strong and that it would never happen to me, but it did. You are right, though. I think that an EA is worse than an actual PA.<P>I'm weaning myself from this person and it is hard. I feel very badly for MM's wife and for my own H. It isn't pleasant and it is heart-breaking.<P>I don't actually know if his W is aware of the EA, but my gut instinct tells me that she does sense it. I do feel for her and am sorry that I caused them grief.<P>Again, I'm sorry for what happpenned in your situation. I wish you the best of luck in your continuing recovery.

I will have to admit here that internet affairs are one part of infidelity that I do not understand. I did e-mail the OW quite a bit, but I knew she was real and what she looked like. I guess if I think about it, feelings can be conveyed through words. I did look forward to reading her messages almost everyday. Maybe a person can find comfort in communicating with someone the you have something in common with and become attached to that person. I just think I would have to know that the person on the other end was what they say they are.<P>I do know this, what you write can be saved, what you say to someone can be forgotten. Maybe what I am trying to say here is that I did keep in contact with the OW through e-mail and she only lives less than a mile from us. Did it affect my marriage? Yes! I did spend time on the computer with OW when I should have been with my W. Bottom line...........fs<p>[This message has been edited by firestorm (edited August 23, 2000).]

What boggles my brain is that my husband had this relationship for a year - started out as chat, went to cybersex, then an exchange of cell phone numbers and many, many calls, emails, more chatting - but he never saw her or met her.<P>I hired a detective because this woman had been calling me and breathing on the other end, but wouldn't say anything. I found her, learned that she had lied about everything she told my husband to gain his sympathy. Nothing she told him except her age was true - go figure.... <P>I don't know what fun or connection there could possibly be. <P>Firestorm: do you REALLY know what that lady you chat with looks like? I was really hoping to find a big hairy man on the other end of that phone number...that would have been a good jolt of reality for him to chew on for awhile. <P>J

My wife told me in April that she had been having an affair online with a man 300 miles away. <P>She broke off our marriage and is currently pursuing her affair with him.<P>All hope has been lost and theres no getting back to good.<P>Her decision will forever be final and our family will forever pay the price.<P>It's been the hardest thing in my life to have to go through and it's a shame!!<P>Good Luck.........

genesforme<P>Yes I did know what the OW looked like. I have know her for aver 14 years and we have been friends since then. She began to have trouble in her marriage and I was the one that she talked to about her problems. One thing led to another and our relationship began to develope deep feelings. We did have physical contact and came very close one time with each other, but we never had sex. The fact that I lied to my W about our relationship made it an affair.<P>What you said at the end of your post is why I don't understand internet affairs. I would be scared that there would be some big hairy 300 pound guy on the other end.<P>fs<p>[This message has been edited by firestorm (edited August 23, 2000).]

Genesform, Hopeful, Firestorm, Who I Am, I appreciate your replies. <P>Hopeful: You mentioned that you had a PA, one night stand. What made you end the relationship, or did OM end it?<P>Genesform: I'm sorry that the OW in your H's life turned out to be such a psychopathic weirdo. I don't know if it would have been better if your H did meet her in person or not. I would think it better that he didn't. At least the Detective has the proof to show that he was deceived about the many things that she told him. Maybe that will help him in forgetting her.<P>Who I Am: I'm sorry for the decision that your W made. I wonder if when she pursues this affair and it becomes reality, that she will regret her decision. If she comes back, will you give her a chance and take her back?<P>I regret having put myself in this situation. It isn't pleasant to deal with but I made my bed, I'm going to have to lie in it.

Confused.........<P>No i will not take her back.......<P>Believe me that hurts to say. For quite some time now i have tried very hard in hopes to make her see what she is doing to our family and it's only gotten worse.<P>It's only now that i realize that i deserve better. I will be fine as long as i have my daughter here with me. She makes me strong and gives me the strength to carry on.<P>I don't think the bitterness will ever end and i just can't stand to be around her anymore. She has scared me with her words and her actions like no one else has. <P>She knows deep inside just how much i love her and how hard i've tried to make her see her mistake. In a way that puts my mind at ease knowing i gave my all to save our family. <P>Do i think she will regret her decision? YES!! <P> Again........Good Luck

Confused-N-Sad: The very scary part about my IA was I didn't care who was on the other end... My H wasn't there for me and I just needed someone to talk to, and pay a little attention to me.<BR>He was a friend from an online roleplaying game I played. The roleplaying went from the game to email and chats on the game server. Funny thing is we always used our charictar names in our corrispondance. And a further scary item is when we did exchange pics, I knew that if I met him on the street, I wouldn't be attracted to him at all.<BR>I ended it, and stayed friends (platonic, thank you very much..) with him, that is until my H found out about the IA.

Confused-N-Sad<P>My one night stand was a curiosity thing. The man I slept with was a black man and I am white. I had been told that black men were better in bed than white men and I was curious to find out if that was true.<P>I did not enjoy the encounter. It hurt worse than I thought and it wasn't something I wanted to experience again. OM wanted it to happen again but I didn't. We worked together and it happened while we were at work one night. I stopped emailing him and never wanted anything else from him.<P>After my H and I got back together, I had a "secret hotmail account" from my H and OM found the address. He wanted to get together sometime and my H intercepted the emails, responded to them himself and he finally stopped writing. I didn't want anything to do with him after the one time and that is how it will stay

My H's internet (now real-life) affair +<BR>his mid-life crisis is destroying our marriage.<P>My friends and I (we were all useless with computers and the internet) used to laugh and crack the usual jokes about internet people. I didn't care if my H was online every night because I thought he was talking to fantasy people. And I believed that EVERYBODY toldlies online about who they were and how they looked, etc.<P>Now he is "in love" with his special internet lady, and what they were talking about was all true. I have seen e-mails where he tells her the most intimate details of his life. I thought she would probably be some huge old liar that liked playing with men's emotions, and that my husband was just another nieve sucker. WRONG!<P>Now they see each other once or twice every week. They have to trvel a looong way to get together. And my H's mind is just totally gone from our marriage. <P>If she HAD turned out to be some fake lying internet player, then I wouldn't be here today. Internet affairs are very, very real, and your spouses are not just talking to a fantasy screen, they are talking to real PEOPLE. I don't know how many of them tell lies, but my H's "special friend" seems to be just exactly what she said she was. (sex-starved, smart, etc. etc.....)<P>Watch out. <P>

My H had an EA on the internet. It was with someone he met on a listserv he runs. It progressed from on-list messages to off-list messages, and then started getting very personal--lots of admiration both ways and discussion of sexual fantasies. It never got to "love." I discovered it when it had been going on about a month. I confronted him, my blood pressure shot up. Because of his concern for my health he agreed to end it. At the time, he did not view it as an EA but has finally come to recognize it for what it was. <P>Unfortunately, the off-list messages resumed but at a ratcheted down level.--no more sex talk or admiration. The messages included personal things such as his relationship to his children or activities we were engaged in. I asked that he not talk to her about me or my children and he complied. So now the messages are mostly related to listserv issues or the medical topics that are the subject of the listserv. However, I believe there is still too much communication--e-mail only. (You may ask, how do I know all this. I periodically check his e-mail on his computer.) I have asked him not to call her and he has complied (I have checked his phone bills.) He claims he cannot terminate the off-list messages totally because of his position with the organization for which he is administering the listserv. (I guess it's like having to continue working with a co-worker.)<P>Finding out devastated me. I never thought he would go outside the marriage and betray me. I was extremely angry because he turned to someone else instead of putting in the effort to work on some problems we were having, of which we were both aware (never thought they were real serious more like irritants). We had talked about seeing a counselor last fall but he never made a move in that direction even though he agreed to take the lead in finding a counselor.<P>Where we are today. Started reading "Give and Take" and have been doing counseling with Steve Harley. We've come a long way. We have a better sense of each other's ENs and how to meet them. We are both working hard on the marriage (some slip-ups)and are feeling really good about what is currently going on. I am one of the lucky ones because he never stopped claiming that he loved me and only wanted to be with me. <P>Footnote: This EA stays in my mind. My level of trust is diminshed. I find it scary to know how easily something like this can happen.

What an interesting topic.<P>I have been in and out of chat rooms a lot over the last several months. I genenerally stick to the christian chats thinking that kept me safe.<P>NOT. I ened up with several men whispering me... not intentionally did i get "involved" with any. It just happens. I have developed several friendships... via internet with many women and I feel like i know them, love them and genuinly cry with them when they are hurting. <P>I didn't used to understand how it could happen. But, I have cut off all whispers to men, do not visit with men except in the big chat rooms.(where nothing can be hidden everyone can see).<P>Just like a "real life" affair... internet affairs can just creep up on you...<P>bummer.<BR>mercy

Internet affairs are way easier to fall into than most people realize. While chatting with another person online you have several of the key ingrediants necessary for an affair.<BR>1) You have the total attebtion of someone<BR>2) It is private, and therefor secret, and therefor people say and do things they would never do in public.<BR>3) It is all mental. People do fall for people online that they never would look at twice on the street. They get into each others heads and hearts. It starts innocently, then the internet person becomes the fantasy that can do no wrong, that can fill whatever needs the person is missing.<P>I could go on and on, but the subject hurts too much. My wife has been in an internet affair since Jan/Feb. I discovered it in May when I found a huge cell phone bill. She moved out in June before they ever even met. <BR>We have shown great progress towards reconciling lately, but she decided she couldn't end it with him without going to TX to see him. I sit here, wondering if and when she is coming back.<P>Never underestimate the power of the internet. There are tons of liars out there but there are a lot of good honest people too. I know, my wife and I met in a chat room 5 years ago. Got married a year later. Of course, neither of us was married at that time! <P>SS4N

I agree with you m_ercy. These things can just sneak up on you. I "met" someone in a chat room who seemed nice enough, we e-mailed back and forth for a while, then it just grew from there. Literally constant e-mailing during the working day (of all times! I still can't believe I was so involved with it). It varied in intensity, but for at least a few months (over the course of two years), it was a definite EA.<P>I started out telling my W all about the person, but she never seemed quite as excited about the prospect of my making a new friend as I did. In retrospect, of course, she was completely right. The EA eventually, one night crossed the line to a PA, and that's sort of what snapped me to my senses (a shade too late). <P>Agreed, the internet is almost made to foster the kind of environment conducive to affairs -- immediacy, false sense of intimacy, privacy, etc. I'm staying out of the chat rooms for now and hoping my W may some day come to forgive me.

Wow - I join the club of those affected by internet affairs. My H met with the OW twice - two hour flight to get there too! Their last (and second) physical encounter was mid-April, and no contact for a couple of months now. He still is attached to her. We just recently destroyed all pics of her that he had downloaded, some actual photos of the two of them together, and all info re: her in address books etc. It was very emotional indeed.He's home with me - we are in counselling, but he still can't say he loves me. He got totally caught up with this woman online, that he shut me out completely. I think that made the decision to meet easier, as he felt it was over between us anyway.<BR>BUT - we are working very hard at our future together - that's the positive.

I guess i just wnated to clarrify that i have not had an interent affair, but realize that one could happen very easily.<P>When this "someone' can meet a lot of emotinal needs, the obviously the next "step" is the physical side. It is a scary thing.<P>the worst part about theinternet situation is "how is a spouse to compete with that?" If your spouse has to work many hours a day, you do not have much time with them, then it is pretty hard for that spouse to meet all your emotinal needs. <P>I am an avid reader. I love to read. I love romance books. So I can realize within myself that and internet affair would happen unaware.... but easily. <BR>that is almost what an affair is about evenin the natural. The other person is able to get into your "head" and then it is much easier to go physical.<P>I made myself a promise to follow these rules:<BR>1. What would my husband think of this conversation? (ask myself this)<BR>2. NO whispers outside the chat room itself.<BR>3. NO giving out emails<BR>4. NO phone numbers, IM addresses ect ect.<BR>5. Not being alone with a man ..... ever...<P>The hardest thing for me to do is not be friends with men. I love men. but as adults these type of relationships can end up going to far. <P>mercy<BR>

My H had an internet affair and it has practically ruined our marriage. There was no PA, but there might as well have been. The<BR>lying and denial was the same. It had ended by the time I found out about it. He said it started as a "game" and he just got caught up in it. I have had a hard time convincing him that although there was no PA, I still feel that he had an affair and the hurt is the same.<BR>Jessica

My husband is now learning the extent of the damage he has done - our counselor is FORCING him to tell me the truth when I ask for it - questions I have tried to get answered for 8 months now... <P>The counselor told him that he would see the reaction on my face and that he just has to face and deal with the reality of his choices.<P>We have just begun this couples work and it is the hardest thing we have ever done - but I will not stay with this man unless he can see what he has done. I am hoping he will think twice next time instead of not at all.... the pain is so unbearable sometimes.<P>J

My husband had an ia last year. I found out that he was talking to alot of women on a porno site - an s&m site to be exact. He became especially close to one woman and she became his confidante. He told her alot of intimate details of our lives and told her all of his deep dark secrets. (Things that he never shared with me.) I thought that I knew everything about this man but I was wrong, so very wrong. I didn't know him at all. I have been with him for 16 years and feel like our marriage is just one big lie. I not only found out that he has a HUGE interest in s&m but I also found out a lot of other things that are very hard for me to come to grips with. This whole internet thing really has destroyed the trust in my marriage. I don't think that I will ever trust him completely again. When I read that sentence it makes me sad. To think that I will probably spend the rest of my life married to a man that I don't trust. Sometimes at night I look at him when he is sleeping and say to myself "who is this man?" and what other deep dark secrets is he keeping from me? He claims that he has told me everything but I have my doubts. My husband is a man of many secrets. As you can tell, I am still hurting and am still very confused. I pray to God all the time to help me accept things and to heal my hurting heart. I especially pray for Him to change my way of thinking - to help me realize that my husband is a changed man now. When I first confronted him with my discovery of this internet thing he denied everything until I showed him my proof and then he couldn't deny it any longer. He broke down and cried and asked me to forgive him. I have said the words but I guess I really haven't yet, It's not that I don't want to - it's just so hard to forget and to trust again. He says that he has had no contact with her or any of the other people he was talking to. He agreed to go to couseling and he did go for awhile but has since stopped going because he doesn't feel he needs to. He says that he feels good about us now and that he has never been happier. Oh, how I wish I could say that and mean it. He treats me and the children good now, he seems like a changed man now. He seems genuinely happy to be around us now, he no longer seems cold and distant. He tells me that he is happy now and that he loves me with all his heart and soul. Oh, how I wish I could forget all the bad stuff and leave it in the past. But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. But I haven't give up yet, maybe someday this will be just a bad memory. I will keep praying for that day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by amanda rose (edited September 09, 2000).]

To All: Thank you for taking the time to reply to my Post. You have given me much to seriously think about. Unfortunately, I am still in withdrawal mode and am fighting to deal with it.<P>I haven't chatted with OM for 4 days now.<P>Something tells me that I'm going to give in and fall off the wagon. Despite all of your wise advice, I really don't know if I can fight this. I realize that what I did is wrong, but it is so very hard. I am addicted.<P>Please don't flame me for expressing my feelings. I'll need your support because I don't think that I can get through this by myself.<P>Thank you all in advance.

I hope I'm not too late with this. Whatever you do DON'T chat again with OM. You're right, it is addictive and you must be strong. My husband totally shut me out of his life, his problems, his thoughts because he had become so close to the OW online - so much so, they had two meetings - two hour flights too! He lost all perspective of reality. He decided our marriage was over before he even confided any unhappiness to me - he was too caught up with the OW online.She had become his lifeline and he wasn't even talking to me about anything - I'd ask, and he'd say nothing was wrong. The damage to me and the hurt has been indescribable. How will chatting benefit you or your marriage? Don't, don't, don't chat with OM again. Stay strong. No contact. It's the only way.

Count me in as among those whose marriage has been nearly destroyed by the internet. My nearly story book marriage of 27 years is in trouble because my husband and I both began talking to a 19 year old girl on the net. She had some problems and we listened to her and tried to support her. We began talking on the telephone as well, and after a while I found out that my husband had taken it a step farther and began to have phone sex with her. <BR>When circumstances forced him to tell me, he cried and begged and promised he would never do anything like that again.<BR>Liar! After a few months he began to act "cold" towards me again, and I installed a key logger on the computer. Eventually I caught him. He was at it again. Only this time was much worse. He imagined that he might be in love with her (he was 45, she was 19) and even considered leaving me. All for a girl who would not even give him her address or phone number!<BR>We are working on it, but I don't know how this will end. I am having so many problems with the trust issue. How can you ever trust someone again after so many many lies?<BR>So I can also give personal testimony that the internet can be dangerous to marriages.