My husband is now learning the extent of the damage he has done - our counselor is FORCING him to tell me the truth when I ask for it - questions I have tried to get answered for 8 months now... <P>The counselor told him that he would see the reaction on my face and that he just has to face and deal with the reality of his choices.<P>We have just begun this couples work and it is the hardest thing we have ever done - but I will not stay with this man unless he can see what he has done. I am hoping he will think twice next time instead of not at all.... the pain is so unbearable sometimes.<P>J

My husband had an ia last year. I found out that he was talking to alot of women on a porno site - an s&m site to be exact. He became especially close to one woman and she became his confidante. He told her alot of intimate details of our lives and told her all of his deep dark secrets. (Things that he never shared with me.) I thought that I knew everything about this man but I was wrong, so very wrong. I didn't know him at all. I have been with him for 16 years and feel like our marriage is just one big lie. I not only found out that he has a HUGE interest in s&m but I also found out a lot of other things that are very hard for me to come to grips with. This whole internet thing really has destroyed the trust in my marriage. I don't think that I will ever trust him completely again. When I read that sentence it makes me sad. To think that I will probably spend the rest of my life married to a man that I don't trust. Sometimes at night I look at him when he is sleeping and say to myself "who is this man?" and what other deep dark secrets is he keeping from me? He claims that he has told me everything but I have my doubts. My husband is a man of many secrets. As you can tell, I am still hurting and am still very confused. I pray to God all the time to help me accept things and to heal my hurting heart. I especially pray for Him to change my way of thinking - to help me realize that my husband is a changed man now. When I first confronted him with my discovery of this internet thing he denied everything until I showed him my proof and then he couldn't deny it any longer. He broke down and cried and asked me to forgive him. I have said the words but I guess I really haven't yet, It's not that I don't want to - it's just so hard to forget and to trust again. He says that he has had no contact with her or any of the other people he was talking to. He agreed to go to couseling and he did go for awhile but has since stopped going because he doesn't feel he needs to. He says that he feels good about us now and that he has never been happier. Oh, how I wish I could say that and mean it. He treats me and the children good now, he seems like a changed man now. He seems genuinely happy to be around us now, he no longer seems cold and distant. He tells me that he is happy now and that he loves me with all his heart and soul. Oh, how I wish I could forget all the bad stuff and leave it in the past. But there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about it. But I haven't give up yet, maybe someday this will be just a bad memory. I will keep praying for that day.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by amanda rose (edited September 09, 2000).]

To All: Thank you for taking the time to reply to my Post. You have given me much to seriously think about. Unfortunately, I am still in withdrawal mode and am fighting to deal with it.<P>I haven't chatted with OM for 4 days now.<P>Something tells me that I'm going to give in and fall off the wagon. Despite all of your wise advice, I really don't know if I can fight this. I realize that what I did is wrong, but it is so very hard. I am addicted.<P>Please don't flame me for expressing my feelings. I'll need your support because I don't think that I can get through this by myself.<P>Thank you all in advance.

I hope I'm not too late with this. Whatever you do DON'T chat again with OM. You're right, it is addictive and you must be strong. My husband totally shut me out of his life, his problems, his thoughts because he had become so close to the OW online - so much so, they had two meetings - two hour flights too! He lost all perspective of reality. He decided our marriage was over before he even confided any unhappiness to me - he was too caught up with the OW online.She had become his lifeline and he wasn't even talking to me about anything - I'd ask, and he'd say nothing was wrong. The damage to me and the hurt has been indescribable. How will chatting benefit you or your marriage? Don't, don't, don't chat with OM again. Stay strong. No contact. It's the only way.

Count me in as among those whose marriage has been nearly destroyed by the internet. My nearly story book marriage of 27 years is in trouble because my husband and I both began talking to a 19 year old girl on the net. She had some problems and we listened to her and tried to support her. We began talking on the telephone as well, and after a while I found out that my husband had taken it a step farther and began to have phone sex with her. <BR>When circumstances forced him to tell me, he cried and begged and promised he would never do anything like that again.<BR>Liar! After a few months he began to act "cold" towards me again, and I installed a key logger on the computer. Eventually I caught him. He was at it again. Only this time was much worse. He imagined that he might be in love with her (he was 45, she was 19) and even considered leaving me. All for a girl who would not even give him her address or phone number!<BR>We are working on it, but I don't know how this will end. I am having so many problems with the trust issue. How can you ever trust someone again after so many many lies?<BR>So I can also give personal testimony that the internet can be dangerous to marriages.