Getting that sinking feeling again... - Marriage Builders® Forums

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

It's tough when those feelings arise again, and you don't know if you are seeing a repeat or assigning suspicion to normal stuff that matches affair behavior. And with the OP as a co-worker, you know opportunity for contact is there.When I get "that feeling" I tell my spouse I'm feeling anxiety & ask if there is anything he'd like to talk about...and if that gets no response, I ask if he's been in contact with her. I can tell a lot from my spouse's nonverbal expression, probably moreso than his answer. Watch eye contact, listen for equivocating, like "I think I'd tell you if anything was going on." Or whatever sort of phrasing she used before.One thing I learned, if actions and words don't line up, believe the actions. "As a man thinks, so is he."Plan A works, keep at it.------------------ Lor "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1).

Hurting,I tend to go with my intuitive feelings. They have become very tuned during this ordeal. My W is not a very good liar and I can always tell when there is cause for concern. I usually ask outright how she is feeling about withdrawal. I do it in a way that indicates support for her, not in a way that sounds accusing. If you can get her talking about it, you can likely get an answer that says either "truth", or "it just doesn't add up". This whole process is so difficult, because each scene is a little different...less an exact science and more an artform when it come to dealing with it.Stay strong about who and what you are and hang in there with the Plan....bob

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

Dear Leon,That's a tough place to be in because you want to know, but if you ask she might lie (which she is apparently good at) or it could be nothing and turn into a big fat LB. Where are you in your recovery? Are you and she counseling together? Is she still in withdrawal from the OM? Is there any way you can gently bring up the fact that you are feeling anxious? If you are far enough down the recovery road, you may be able to just quietly open the door to communication.I never mention my H's fling to him, but he has moved out and is very withdrawn from me right now -- it's not a good time. I'm not sure, but I assume if we ever make it into recovery we are going to have to talk about it eventually -- openly and honestly, without LBing.I hope that you are able to recapture some peace of mind soon. I'm sorry that you are hurting like this.------------------ Love and Prayers, KristyAnn

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

Well, I wouldn't say the day after D-day you're in recovery, but the fact that she has said she wants to work on the marriage and you are in counseling might be an indicator. Although, it doesn't sound like you are too far in to it.Is there any way she will talk about this in counseling? It may actually be easier for her having a 3rd person there to come out with the truth. I guess that considering your "sinking feelings" you need to press a little bit for some honesty. Hopefully, it can be done with no LBs.But if you have any sort of hunch that she and OM have some secret plans, I agree, you deserve to know the truth. If you are currently in Plan A and she is still "slipping" with inappropriate contacts to OM, have you thought about Plan B? I know it's hard to do, but you have to draw a line somewhere and she has to decide which side she is going to be on. She says she's working on the marriage, but if not for the kids and finances, she'd be gone? She needs to make a decision, no matter how hard it is. I don't see how you can rebuild unless the A is over completely.I'm sorry, Leon. I know this is hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you. ------------------ Love and Prayers, KristyAnn

Hi Leon,Sorry to hear this. But from everything I have read it is to be expected. This is especially true since GG and OM work together. I have just a few questions. Does the OM's W know about the affair? Has there been any discussion of W changing jobs or moving to another part of the Co. she works in? I realize that she will be unwilling to change the job at this point since she really hasn't commited to the marriage, but it is something to think about.Finally, I suspect this may take longer for you because of not only OM being in the picture, but because of what your W does. I get the idea that she has a very high regard for her own talents and reasoning ability.If that is the case and to use her words she "chose" to have an affair, rather than fall into an affair, then she is going to have to admit she is wrong. This is hard for anyone, but for someone like her, it may take awhile. It may even take too long, for I am sure you only have so much patience.So after stating the obvious to you [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

, why am I posting? Well, to urge you to hang in there for awhile longer. And to urge you to talk with your W about your feelings. Yes, she may lie to you about them, but she may also tell you the truth. So go for it, and ask her what is up.You may not get the truth, but you should get an answer. And the answer can tell you a great deal. Finally, it make her aware that you are aware of her and her actions. That may be interpretted as an LB, but it also shows that you care.Leon, I wish I could offer some real concrete advice. I know you have come to accept that the marriage may end. I know that you have come to accept your roll in the state of the marriage before the affair. But have you accepted that your W had a major roll in the state of the marriage before the affair and that the affair was solely her choice? I hope so.This isn't all your fault and the affair isn't your fault. So hang in there and see what happens. You are no doubt getting good advice from Steve H. I just hope that GG finally realizes that this marriage was a product of her efforts as well, and also realizes that her skills with regard to marriage could use some tuning.Seem like I am venting some, but it is I guess because your situation frustrates me and I know it drives you crazy. So hang in there and talk with her when she gets back from her trip.God Bless,JL

Hi Leon. Manon Checking on you (notice the hope I had when I chose the id??). Looks like you're going through a rough time. I'm so sorry it is this way. Hang in there pal. JL is right to say that this isn't all your fault and the affair isn't your fault. I know how it is to feel guilty. I'm there right now. I feel like a failure. In my case, there is no OW and I've still managed to lose my H. So sad. Will check on you again soon. Manon

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

Leon,I guess I'm frustrated because I see so much that could be fixed so easily. But I really think (No offense intended), that being an engineer, she feels she has it all figured out. But all I see is the usual rationalization, the usual boneheaded thinking, and the usual blame shifting. Man, is that annoying. And I am just a viewer into this mess. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I'm beginning to think I have been posting and reading here too long. But if she feels that there is no chance, then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, because she "can't be wrong."Has she even admitted that what she did was wrong? Has she shown any remorse or sorrow for what she has put you through?As for you pulling away, it is the natural reaction to something this painful, but Leon don't pull away too much. It is very clear that if this is going to work out, you will have to do it single handedly. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

So, while I have not been very positive in this message, please know this: I am pulling for you. You aren't very long after discovery and the fog does lift. So hang in there, take good care of the kids and realize you have quite a number of people here cheering you on.God Bless,JL

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

Leon,You said <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>I've always known that this would be the biggest hurdle in this process. My W is very smart, and once she makes a decision, she sticks by it and "moves on", as she says.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Only people that "think" they are smart do this. Really smart people constantly reevaluate situations and make the appropriate changes as the situation changes. Takes more work and more thought, but it gets much better results. Heck, even the military teaches their leaders to do this.Reevaluate the data. I think that is why I am so frustrated and I "know" you are frustrated. She got too smart for her own good, put herself into a bad situation, and is likely to try and bulldoze herself out of it. Instead of talking with you about her feelings in the beginning and getting better information in and a better result.Oh! Well! Arrrg!God Bless,JL

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

Leon,You are right, she has to do the sorting out herself. You cannot do it for her, but it would help if the attitude was a little more neutral, rather than "I don't think it is going to work."Oh Well, I am just venting frustration to you when it is you that is frustrated. Does that make any sense at all? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Not really.I just know she has it in her to make this work for the both of you. So weird. By the way, very good advice to Maggie. I think she is finally getting it.God Bless,JL

Hi Leon. I found you again.It must be tough for you to wait patiently for your W to let go of the OM but By the sound of your post, it's like you've reached some inner peace that I wish I had.I envy you that she is reading relationship books. My H won't read any of that stuff. Has never been a book reader period. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Hurting Badly: Please don't feel like a failure. No matter what you did to contribute to the problems, you have made the effort to rebuild the marriage, and you are to be commended for that. Your H is the one who decided he wanted out, and so he is the failure IMHO.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Thanks for saying this Leon. It makes me feel better.H and I had an other discussion last night and he recognizes that I've changed positively and that if his love feeling for me comes back, he would not hesitate to return to me because of my old ways which are now gone. I guess that's something positive but it sure does not remove the pain from my heart. <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Hurting Badly: Her H just announced that he wants to separate (is he still with you, Manon?).<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Yes he is but he is determined to move out. HE said he would start looking for an appartment soon. IT's so strange. If I didn't know any better, I would think that things are not so bad. This evening was pleasant for the four of us. He says things that can lead someone to beleive that he's going to stay. Or it may be that I'm interpreting what he says this way.... Anyway, I've rambled enough on your thread. I'm tired and have some reading to do. Guess what kind of books?? Self help of course. I coud open a library w/ all the books I've bought. I have a feeling you've been reading a lot too.Hang in there Leon. By the way, how did you convince your W to post on this BB and to consult w/ Harley? My H will not do any of this. Says he needs his space.Talk to you later. MAnon[This message has been edited by Still_Hurting_But_Hopeful (edited September 28, 2000).]

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

Leon,I started to reply to this post this morning but I am working today and my boss worked in the door and I had to lose what I wrote, so, in a nutshell here is what I said:I have no great words of wisdom but I just wanted to let you know I think about you and GG from time to time and hope things work out for you.I have read some of your previous posts and I want to tell you that you have given me alot to think about in my own situation. You seem to be doing everything right by doing a great Plan A for you-dancing lessons, working out, basically being a happy person-I need to get to the point you are at!The only insight I have is this--I think you once mentioned that GG's father is a physician and she has alot of admiration for him. I know most physicians and cops are able to emotionally detach themselves from unpleasant situations (believe me, I know) and she may have grown up with that instilled in her. I know my H. has a huge barrior built up and it has always been extremely difficult to break through that and get to his real emotions and feelings. I am thinking that perhaps you may be dealing with this barrior as well with GG. It is something to keep in mind and know that progress may be hindered because of it.Take care Leon!![This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited September 29, 2000).]

For some strange reason when I posted this am it didn't take the post to the top-hopefully this will!

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

Leon,Thanks for keeping up on my situation. I, too, feel like I am getting closer to the real Plan A, the focus on me. Intellectually I understand it perfectly and it does make alot of sense to live your own life and be a happy person with and without your spouse but now I just need to get there through my actions, and that is the hard part, but I am working on it!You asked why I am in the infidelity boards-I just want to keep up on everything and try to learn as much as I can, and I haven't totally ruled out infidelity for my H.-I don't think it is the case, but I am keeping my eyes wide open.I look forward to your upcoming posts of progress and I do hope you are way wrong about that sinking feeling you've got![This message has been edited by Wifeofcop (edited September 30, 2000).]

Leon, real understanding of your W in your posts about her FOO. That is a very difficult situation, as I was in a similar situation also, and it is a repetition of what they think life should be, albeit without realizing they are repeating the past, and anger at you may be anger at them, etc.Sounds like its bigger than you, and your W needs lots of personal work to get through this. You can read my post in EN on "How do you know when to give up" or close to that.There may be some similarities. My STBX said that were parents should have been divorced, and since they didn't, and she doesn't want to live like them, we should. Now I wasn't living like them, nor acting like them, so it isn't my issue. But I never liked my ILs, they are weird and just wierder. So its understandable that STBX followed the same pattern as MIL but is not getting the same results, confusion reigns.So hang in there, prepare for the worst, practice for the best in yourself, and life will get better, <someday>thl

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hurting Badly: She says it's all business now, but I'm getting the same signs again. Too subtle to really explain, but an increased irritability, frustration, and anger on her part. I may be imagining it, but I'm seeing more of the old signs creeping back in...Hey bud....Well, I was touristing through here, and came across this thread with a sinking heart. I guess you are off the EN board for a reason, huh?I hope you are wrong in your suspicions. According to Harley, anger, anxiety and depression (pretty close to your terms up above)are part of withdrawal, so you should expect to see that. In fact, it may sound nuts, but you should be more concerned if she was skipping around the house whistling.Remember, withdrawal from the OM should take some months even in the case of a complete no contact. With daily contact....you could be in for a long haul. The signs you relate could just be part of the fog from that withdrawal...I suspect you have read it, but here is a good Harley article on dealing with a BS withdrawal in the wake of an affair. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html</A> As far as your suspicions....what does Steve say?[This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited October 02, 2000).]

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hurting Badly: Steve doesn't seem too interested in this issue at the present. He is more focused on progress.Well...again. to mkae my point....I think if he thought GG's attitude, as reported by you and expressed in their phone counseling, was not indicative of a withdrawal phase from an affair, he wouldprobably be paying more attention to the possibility that they are at it again. I don't think they are, bud. Her symptoms sound like what they should be if she is going through the "mourning" phase.I really hope she gives anti-depressants a try. I don't think there's any bad stigma associated with it.I only have a fleeting impression of GG, but I would be concerned that the "dulling" effect of many anti-deps would drive a type-A person like her nuts. It did to me. She may have to try a few before she finds one she can handle her career on.How's your progress? (and No, I don't want to hear that you got lucky again! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

).Well, there was sort of a big new issue that came up, and I don't think it is for the best. Maybe it is, though. I talk with Steve this afternoon. I don't want to post about it until I sort it out and get his opinion.You and GG ever consider moving to a new state?

[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hurting Badly: Mike, I hope you're right. Certainly her behavior is textbook withdrawal symptoms.I'm sure it is. Again, I'd be worried if the opposite behavior was exhibitied.You see, while GG is trying to work on the marriage, she is not willing to do many of the things that Steve would recommend (or that would seem obvious to most people). E.g. she won't change jobs (to get rid of OM contact or reduce her stress), even though she has many job offers from other places (many would be better that her current job, IMHO).Well, you'll recall that pretty much is the first thing I said to her. It is going to be longer, more painful, and less likely a recovery with that contact happening.She won't spend more time with me to try to "build good memories"; in fact she keeps asking for more space. I'm not even talking about things like dates, affection, or sex. Basically, she won't take any drastic steps that someone really interested in saving a marriage would take (IMHO).I'm not sure, Leon, but I'm fairly positive that it is way to early to expect that from her. She has to get through withdrawal, which is several months under the best of circumstances, which is not the case here. Only then will her attention turn to you. Mike

Leon,I've said it to you, you've said it to me, and now I'm saying it to you again, it appears as though our marital situations mimic each other, what happens to one of us usually ends up happening to the other! With GG being depressed, that is just one more thing! I have absolutely no proof, but I am starting to feel as though infidelity may be the main source of my marriage troubles, it is just a gut instinct, but I am usually right about my instincts-I just hope not this time! I am keeping my eyes open a little wider!I know others have already said this to you, but you really do have alot to be thankful for that GG is counseling and at least going through the motions to see if the marriage will work for her--that is a huge step, one that I wouldn't mind my H. mimicing!

Test

Hello, PensiveGG lost her password, so I found another name and password.I had to join this thread. For those of you that don't know me, I am Leon's WS. AND I AM NOT SLEEPING WITH THE OTHER MAN!I am depressed, lost, and horrified. I fell in love with my husband 11 years ago and expected that we would be in love forever. My H did not meet my ENs--for years. Being a venutian, mostly I could not figure out why I was hurting or what I was feeling. In addition, given that my parent's relationship was so bad--and I was not going to repeat that mistake--I NEVER looked at my relationship with my husband as the source of my problems. That was off limits. But, when I did understand small specifics when things weren't right--I complained. Maybe I didn't complain properly (didn't read the martian/venus book at that time), but Leon knew what I was asking and chose to ignore it--for 11 years. So, I was miserable, and didn't know why. I guess I started withdrawing and in turn, stopped meeting my H's ENs.I had an A and I understand what that has done. Leon did make HUGE changes--after I had given up for what I thought was for good. I made mistakes--mostly recently, Leon has made mistakes--mostly in the past. We are trying to work on this. He has bad days. I have bad days.No, I am not optimistic:1. My husband ignored my ENs for most of our 11 year marriage. I am wary of this "new him"--it is very close to the man I married 11 years ago that promptly did an "about face" after the honeymoon.2. I fell in love with the OM. Didn't mean to, certainly didn't expect to. Stupid.3. Regardless of my H's being reinvented, I have a wall of resentment about as high as one can be. I cannot imagine getting over all of the hurt that I felt for so long.4. My H knows I had an A, and knows that I am still in love with the OM. And has misinterpreted by depression and pain and thinks that I am sleeping with him again.So, who thinks this is going to work?-GG

Sorry!I forgot to respond to the thought that HB thinks I have future plans with OM. I do not. We split because we both knew that we needed to s*** or get off the pot and we both decided to go home and try again.L--I would have answered this stuff directly to you, but since I might not see you until Saturday morning--I figured I should respond before you go ahead and file.-GG

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Leon's Wife: [B]I am depressed, lost, and horrified.[/g]I think that about covers it. As I said elsewhere in this thread, that is where you should be, that is the stage.You should be confused over Leon's changes...it is new. Will it be real? What do you think? I think that all of us that have been enlightened by all this marriage stuff will never act the same way again.I think Leon loves your guts, and has hung in there remarkably tough in the face of...all this. He has inspired many people here.Leon thoughts here were just expressing his worse fears. I think it is intuitive to a person in his situation to think that his mate, having decided to work on the marriage, would just fall passionately back into his arms. We know that isn't true, but it is what FEELS like should be happening, if you are Leon. Hang in there. These are the tough days. Try not to get too low.Mike [This message has been edited by Mike C2 (edited October 05, 2000).]

GG,I'll use the first name I have known you by. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I won't disagree with any of your points. How could I? I wasn't there. But I will say that you are making one very large mistake. The Leon you married never really changed, but he did misinterpret signals. You say he should have known how much he was hurting you from your signals.But the fact of the matter is he didn't. He isn't unique GG. This web site is littered with people who did see or misinterpretted their spouses signals: men and women. The reason the Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, books are so popular is not that they may be right in detail, but they do represent peoples lives. The misinterpretation of interpersonal communications.I will say one thing to you and one thing only. In all that Leon did wrong, he never meant to hurt you. Pleae if you understand one thing in all of the information posted here understand that. If he had, he would be gone now. You have gotten him back in spades, in a way that I don't think even you appreciate. The only thing left for you to do is show up pregnant from OM. So GG, when you review the past 11 years, I believe you should ask yourself. In all of the dumb and painful things Leon did, is he aware of them know? Would he be more aware now? Can I communicate what I need better now? If you can GG, your marriage cannot only be restored, it can be something way beyond anything you have experienced so far.That is a fact Lady. You two have alot going for you and you easily feel for OM in less than 4 months. So you know love can be developed. You did it by meeting OM's needs and he meeting yours.GG, just remember, he never meant to hurt you. God Bless,JL

Hello,JL: My inititaing the A had nothing to do with "getting him back". I didn't even understand at that point what I was running from. I was only just getting to a place where I was understanding what my problems with my H were.I started the A because I was emotionally empty. It was obvious to me that though my H might "love" me--MAYBE (weak at best)--he certainly didn't like me and he made it obvious. We are very different people and it was clear to me that he didn't like "my type". However, as angry as I realize that I was/am, never did the thought cross my mind that I was "getting him back".I also have to share that I do understand what that decision (The A decision) has done (lots of references to me not fully owing up to the A and not understanding the impact it would have). I have apologized--many times; and I am amazed that H can stand the sight of me.But I also don't think it was completely my fault. Certainly, yes, it was my decision to sleep with another man. Making that decision BEFORE I left my H was a mistake and totally my responsibility. However, the marriage environment and emotional state I was in was in large part due to my H. If I had been happy at home or even felt liked by my H, I would NEVER have had an A. If my H had paid ANY attention to my complaining (note I am not a whiner or a nagger) and acknowledged his part in my being unhappy, this would never have happened. I feel that I was beating my head against a wall for 11 years.So, where does that leave us? With better understanding of our mistakes and lots more pain. No other conclusions, we will wait and see.-GG

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Leon's Wife: So, who thinks this is going to work? <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I do! Your story is mine w/out the affair! I have tremendous hope for you and here's why:1) You are on this forum, learning things about yourself and Leon that you never knew before! You are educating yourself for your own good and for the good of your marriage, no matter how it ends up!2) You are counseling w/Steve! Enough said there.3) Leon is extremely committed to making your marriage be all the wonderful things you two originally intended for it to be!4) Even though you are pessimistic right now, you do have hope-that is very evident or you would not be here!My H. is where you are right now (except you are trying and he is not)-he is not in love w/me, doesn't know if he wants to be, is depressed, thinks he is or will end up being the "bad guy" if divorce does happen.I don't think you should feel like the "bad guy" or that you are being bashed by Leon or anyone here. I don't know if Leon feels this way too, but I told my H. that if he does try to restore the "in love" feeling and it doesn't work then I agree it is time to move on and i would not blame him. I don't want to be married to him if he does not love me-that is not fair to anyone!I will, however, lose alot of respect for him if he does give up w/out trying!Hang in there and try to deal with some of your resentment, you may find some peace if you do! I am currently reading "Relationship Rescue" and it deals alot w/identifying your resentment, dealing with it, and letting it go! I think Leon may have this book in his reading arsenal!

Hi GG![QUOTE]Originally posted by Leon's Wife: We are very different people and it was clear to me that he didn't like "my type".Funny you should say that. I forget whether you were in on the Myers-Briggs discussions, but I seem to recall that Leon thought that you were an ENFP (like me), and he was an ISTJ (almost like my wife....she tested to an "F" instead of a "T", but I think she is very borderline there.)Our combinations make for high maintenance relationships but very powerful couples. We bring an awesome array of strengths to a family. But we have to work harder on communication and understanding, because our outlooks are different.So...you are different people, yes. But look at the combined skill sets you have! Look at how you can fill each others gaps. Opposites attract for a reason.But I also don't think it was completely my fault.I think Leon has very consistently expressed his guilt and remorse over his part in the fracture.You know, sometimes it is the little things that make you think about your marriage. Last year, perhaps in the same ENFP/ISTJ frustration you found yourself in, I went alone to a local marriage counselor, without my wife knowing.He turned me onto marriagebuilders, but that is incidental.We had a pretty fun conversation, strangely...I found it liberating to take all my thoughts out for a walk. We had a lot of laughs...At the end of the session, he said "You know, my wife and I (his wife is a counselor too) were commenting the other day on something. Every single day, almost, someone sits in our office having problems with a second or third or fourth marriage, and almost inevitably, they express the same thought. "I'll never find the bond I had with my first spouse again. He/she was the best. I'll regret forever that I didn't work harder to make that relationship work."Anyway, that throwaway comment at his doorway has shaped a lot of my thinking over the last year.Mike

aaa[This message has been edited by Hurting Badly (edited December 12, 2000).]

Hi GG: <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Leon did make HUGE changes--after I had given up for what I thought was for good. I made mistakes--mostly recently, Leon has made mistakes--mostly in the past. We are trying to work on this. He has bad days. I have bad days.No, I am not optimistic:1. My husband ignored my ENs for most of our 11 year marriage. I am wary of this "new him"--it is very close to the man I married 11 years ago that promptly did an "about face" after the honeymoon.2. I fell in love with the OM. Didn't mean to, certainly didn't expect to. Stupid.3. Regardless of my H's being reinvented, I have a wall of resentment about as high as one can be. I cannot imagine getting over all of the hurt that I felt for so long.4. My H knows I had an A, and knows that I am still in love with the OM. And has misinterpreted by depression and pain and thinks that I am sleeping with him again. So, who thinks this is going to work?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Add me to the list of believers. My H ignored my ENs for 18 years. But, as JL says, he never meant to. Nor did I mean to ignore his, but as my love waned, I certainly did. So, this left us with 2 people who didn't feel at all in-love with each other, and then he fell (hard) for a co-worker...certainly not something he'd intended either, but hey...love tends to rush in to fill a vaccuum. For several months, he had no faith that this recovery thing would work, and my faith was sorta intermittent.The wall of resentment won't fade over night. I think we are still dealing with remnants, but they are now occasional stumbling blocks, not a solid, high wall. Same for the fear that he will revert...as time goes on and you see that he is committed to his new behavior, it will fade.Both of you are going to have bad days for a while. But eventually the lows become less frequent & less low, and the good parts become more and more of the relationship. Hugs--Kathi

GG,I didn't mean to imply that you did it for revenge. But the upshot is that you have gone a long ways toward evening up the pain scales in your marriage.However, my post really wasn't about that. It was about the fact that there is every reason to believe that you two will have a very happy marriage. Many because Leon always did love you. He still does love you and he has been willing to take his lumps to prove it and make it happen.Now, I know and you know that he cannot make you love him in any direct sense. You will have to come to that yourself and it will take awhile. You are in withdrawal from the OM. You very obviously have built some high walls and you show a fair amount of resentment toward him. These things take time to overcome and melt away.But GG as you get more comfortable in this situation with Leon, I think you will be able to open you heart to him again and when you do I strongly suspect that you will find love buried deep in there. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

You will come to understand how better to communicate. You will come to understand your contributions to the marriage.All of this understanding will come and when it does, I truely believe that you will find love in your heart for Leon. You simply have to give it a chance and give him a chance.I hope this makes what I said earlier clearer.God Bless You GG,JL