How does it feel to be betrayed? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Hi,On the advice of a fried from this site, I have now posed this question. How does it feel to be betrayed? I am the one who had the affairs (two one night stands while married)(three one night stands while dating before engagement 13 years ago).I am just trying to have some sense of how my wife is feeling. Briefly, I am the one who told her about the last one night affair because I just could not hold it inside anymore. As the onion effect took its course, I told her about everything over the entire time we have been together. When she asked me about some of the other times, I did not answer with the whole truth, which I thought would be ok, but now know was wrong. I have tried to now clarify everything, and hope that I have told her the entire truth about all the times. She has told me that she just feels like as soon as she absorbs what I tell her, I throw more stuff at her and it makes it lie after lie after lie. Part of the problem now is that I try to go over everything over and over and over in my head, worrying that maybe she did not understand exactly what I said, or that I explained it the wrong way. So I bring it up again and I look like a liar again.Anyway, she has decided that she needs to think everything over in her head. I understand this and have given her space and have abided by her rules. (No touching, kissing, hugging, buying gifts, but trying to at least lead a somewhat "normal" daily routine) She said she is not ready for this now, nor does she ever know if she will be. She has said that there is a slim chance that this may work, and that because of the kids she is at least considering it. On the other hand, she has said she doesn't know if she can ever overcome what has happened and feels her entire life with me was a lie.So, from day to day I never know what her mood will be, although we have been civil and there has not been any blow-out fights. We still sleep in the same bed and wear our wedding rings. Last night she threw me a curve. I have went to one couseling session and have another one scheduled for Friday. She did not ask me the day I went, how the session went. She did ask me about it last night though. I told her what was said. She asked what made me make the call to go. I told her that I really don't have anyone to talk with about this except for one friend who is been great listening to me ramble. I then told her I have just made myself sick over thinking of her with another man, and have went as far as to imagine them entering a room and undressing each other and then getting into bed to have sex. She looked at me with a different kind of look and said "You better think about it, because I think about it all the time. Just imagine me with some "hottie" , and then think about it everyday of your life because I do." For the first time I felt like she showed some kind of mean side, and after what I did to her I guess I should take it.The point of this long story is.......can anyone tell me how she is feeling? I know I will get different responses but anything will help. She has told me she goes from leaving to staying back and forth all day. Then she told me, "I have contingency plans for whatever happens." Of course I did not ask what those are, because she probably would not tell me. I am also reading "How to survive and affair", which I just received yesterday. Thanks in advance for any help...

When I found out about my H affair, I felt happy for the first time in along time- it made sense- why he had become a completely different man. Why he was so mean- said things to me that didn't make any sense.... However, it isn't the affair that is so crazy- it is the lies and deception. His guilt reflected back at me like I was lower than scum. I get to think about where he was, was he lying this day ,that day. Was he fantasizing about her when we made love-How many times did they e-mail, talk on the phone, go to coffee...What did they talk about----It controls you throughout the day. You try to think about other things- Did they have their own song---Where was I when they were together---When did he think about me---When did I become unimportant in his life- Our kids too. I beg him to let me know how I failed him- I lost weight, redid my hair, cooked, cleaned tried to make him happy....Didn't know he had someone else. There was never honesty in our relationship. Always kept from me when a woman tried to kiss him, told him they were in love with him, if they proposed sex with him---didn't want to hurt my feelings--- they lies hurt more than you can ever imagine...Why did he feel that there were things he couldn't tell me- how did I fail him so bad. You question your whole relationship- Did he love me then- was that a lie---was he happy then....was our life real- or was I in some kind of fantasy---The mind goes---You finished a task, stare in space thinking about things, what if you found out some other way, how would you have reacted---Then you think you better do the task-already done- don't remember doing it - caught up in your thoughts. Physically- the brain processes everything differently- it doesn't go through the right channels---uncontrollable shaking, feeling of naseau, if you can eat, your body won't absorb food- you lose weight fear your dying, feel so unattractive....It is a hell, everyday you come out a little- you feel better one moment- the next you can't believe you have sunk into another dark hole, you feel dark inside, a void of any emotion- worse than feeling anything at all---A death would've been easier- no questions- lies- too many questions.. Luckily, from day one- if anything, anything at all pops in my head, my husband will answer it- no matter how it makes him feel- every detail answered- no matter how painful--this has me healing at a rate I can't imagine---no question to ponder for hours- answered immediately....Answer those questions honestly- wouldn't as if we can't handle the answer...

It is the worst thing in the world that has ever happened to me. I honestly feel like a large part of me died. As crete said, it would be easier if there would have been a death. With death that person is gone and closure can be obtained. With my H's affair, it will forever be a part of our lives. Granted, at some point the pain will fade, but it will always be there.When I first found out, it was like getting kicked in the stomach, and then the world started caving in on me. It is honestly the worst pain that I have ever felt. It's been 10 months, and it is starting to lessen, but the hurt runs very, very deep.

There was a thread from Peppermint, dated 7/25/00, that describes it perfectly. You can probably look it up faster than I can set up the link!(Trying to set up link....will try later.)[This message has been edited by Persevering (edited January 25, 2001).]

The responses won't be very different.The title of one thread a while back said it pretty clearly "How long can I endure this much pain and not die". Sometimes, you wish you would. Some have attempted it.I can't add much detail to what the others have said, but I'll second it. Nothing, I mean nothing, has ever felt like it in my life. I've been attacked, I've lived in a physically abusive marriage (not this one), I've lost a parent to violent crime and none of those things affected me as profoundly.When she said what she said about your picturing her with someone else, she wasn't lying. It permeates your thoughts during the day and your sleep at night, vividly and horribly. You cannot understand. But you should try.One good thing....D-day for me was June 27, 1999. Today, our marriage is healthy, I am healthy and I rarely think of it. We are happy and looking forward to a great future. There is hope. But it takes time and work, understanding, honesty and compassion. Keep reading and learning. Keep being there for her.If she needs to vent, we're here for her.Lori

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004750.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004750.html</A> I believe this is the afore mentioned post.Here is one or two more: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004076.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004076.html</A> (just learned this linking thing [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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)[This message has been edited by FaithHopeLove (edited January 25, 2001).]

Unlike those who said their husbands' underwent a personality change, my H & I did more together and were more sexually intimate during his 9 mo. PA & EA with his secretary than we had been in our 24 yr marriage. Talk about an academy award performace! He told me of A and that he wanted a divorce on our son's 13th B-day. How did I feel? I prayed someone would cut my heart out, it HURT SOOO bad. I have never in my life experienced anything so painful. Not even when I watched my father die a slow and painful death to cancer. You question everything..your life together( was it all lies?), YOURSELF, relationships in general. Your whole life is thrown into a tailspin.Talk from your heart. I crave the words "I love you". It's been 6 months since D-day, each day is a little better(sometimes) "Time heals all wounds", or so they say.Good luck! My prayers are with you.

DO tell your wife to come here. It will help you both tremendously! But wanting to lash out is part of a betrayed spouse's natural instinct, alot of the time. We hurt so bad, so naturally, we'll strike back with whatever ammo pops up at the time. She's deeply wounded, so even if she lashes out, try to treat her with tenderness. She will be "triggered" from time to time. And EVERYTHING is a trigger! Learn what they are so you know how to best respond. The best thing to do is tell her you're sorry or be understanding/supportive when she needs to blow steam. I remember saying some really awful things to my H but inside just wanting him to reassure me. Even when I said I wished he had just died intead of having an affair because that pain would have been easier to take! (Pretty much the sentiment expressed in an above post, I know, but I actually told my H this!)But the following is what you asked for:You are given a pain Harley compares to the death of your child.You are given torture without any hope of it ending unless you die.You have everything you ever believed in taken away from you and nothing to take it's place. And you lose the person you thought was your best friend in the process.The bottom falls out of your world.The hurt is so bad you sometimes forget to breathe.You feel it before you even open your eyes in the morning and it's your last thought before you fall to sleep at nite. You become physically ill from the stress--go grey, lose hair, lose weight, develop lines on your face, get clinical depression enough to go on medication, take your pick--this is COMMON!And I'm not exaggerating one bit!The betrayed spouse gets all the pain without any of the fun that you had. To us, we would rather have the triple the guilt that (hopefully) you have than a minute of this pain. What helped alot was my H continually said I love you. He told me I never had to say it back to him but he kept saying it to me several times a day.Even tho I would give him no response or a "hmph!" or "yeah, right!" or start crying, he never stopped saying it. And so sincerely!But I also needed to hear him say "only you", "for the rest of my life" and the reasons why he loved me. He was able to give me this later on.He would hold me if I was looking sad--but from behind--so I didn't have to hug or hold him back--like your wife, I really didn't want that kind of contact either. But I could accept it and the reassurance and support it gave me in a passive way. Cause right now her self-esteem is also shot to hell. He'd hold my hand--but I didn't like this cause that required an action on my part and I couldn't do it--but he would hold my hand even tho I wouldn't hold his!What she probably would appreciate is having you in a "friend" kind of role. Forget romance and all those romantic gestures. She needs support, building up, a listener to all her concerns, thoughts, fears, anger. And total honesty--remember in SAA--there are many different kinds of honesty--past, current, future plans, thoughts, feelings, etc. VERY important. Cause that trust she once had in you is also shot to hell and needs to be proven all over again. So stop burying yourself deeper and deeper and give her total honesty before she even asks you for it. (I'm not talking the "gory" details but if she does ask for them -- she may not -- you should not keep them from her.) Just remember to always follow up hard truths with reassurance that you love her and that she is and will be your only love and how you will continue to prove this to her.Another great thing is that if you feel guilt and remorse for the pain you are causing HER (don't care about anyone else!) tell her. Tell her that as much as you tell her you love her. But only if it is sincere.The relationship will be painful for a while--but the love can return. And grow tenfold. Unbelievable, but true.This is exhausting but necessary work. But this is your marriage and your family. Nothing else in your life should have priority over them. If you had seen the preview of this before any of your affairs, would it have been a deterrent? Just wondering. Cause no one gets to have an affair and then a blissful marriage in the aftermath (recovery period) of one.That "I guess I should take it" concerns me. Do you think your wife has no reason to be angry/in pain? Do you feel like you should not be subjected to see the fall out of your actions? This is what normal people look like when there soul has been betrayed. It would be what you would look and sound like if your W told you she had 5 affairs. (one nite stands--married, engaged, dating--it's all cheating, Dude!) So I have to ask--do you think having an affair is "understandable"? If so, you're in for a real long and rough journey, my friend. To MB'ers--there is never a valid reason to have an affair. None.But this "I didn't ask cause she probably wouldn't tell me" business also says alot about your communication difficulties. Even "junk" communication is communication. And it may be information you should get out in the open. You may need to work on that alot more. It may even be one of her top 5 emotional needs. Take your questionairres asap. It's a great communication starter! "Silence" is your enemy. Read up on what Harley calls the three states of marriage. Intimacy, Conflict and Withdrawal (the marriage kind--not the OP kind) Conflict and fighting is actually way better than withdrawing, her not talking to you, her keeping things inside and you don't know what she is thinking. So if she's got a mean look in her eye and starts saying mean things--at least you know that deep inside she cares enough about you to spend time blistering your ears! So it should actually make you feel good! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Aloha and God bless!------------------ No rain, no rainbows

The tears fall from my silent heart The love we shared torn apart One fatal error, one wrong choice No more love, one life lostThe man that I trusted, the man that I loved Has driven the knife, has wielded the club Has smothered the air from my wounded lungs Has killed me alive, this man that I lovedNo more do my eyes light up No more trembles from his touch No more hopes, no more dreams I am dead while alive or so it seemsOne selfish act, one broken heart One of his arrows hit the mark I feel the heart being ripped from my flesh As though his hands are gripping my chestThe knife in his hands covered in blood How could this man that I thought so good Do this heinous crime against me his wife How could he do this, and take my life.I walk in numbness, he walks in shame We share a house, we share a name To the outside world we are strong Inside of my heart it feels all wrongLove is safety, peace, and trust Love is not betrayal, Lies, or Lust

How does it feel? Like being sucked into a black hole straight to hell. When I found out I literally curled up in a ball on the floor and howled like a wounded animal. I have never felt such agony, the only thing worse would be the death of a child in my eyes. Waking up every morning (when I did finally fall asleep for an hour or two) was a new beginning of hell all over again as it all came crashing back down. I wanted to be dead.H and I are almost 2 years into recovery and doing great, but I can still remember the feeling and it never totally goes away.

It felt like all at once my insides were just sucked out of me, leaving an empty shell. That was followed by the feeling that there was a knife just stuck in my heart and I was waiting for someone to take it out and relieve the pain.

All the explanations here are very real. However, words cannot explain the feelings inside. A person cannot understand unless they have been through it. Perhaps if one could understand, then infidelity may not be as prevalent as it is.A friend of mine had an affair on his wife 10 years ago and they got divorced. He remarried (not the ow) some time later. This wife had an affair on him. He was devastated (understatement). He called his ex and apologized to her because he did not understand the pain and hurt of betrayal.Tell the truth. If you lie, even a little, you will mess up when you replay it for the wife (at some point) and she will distrust you even more so than now! Right now you have NO CREDIBILITY with her so do what you say & say what you do.------------------ Prayers & God Bless! Chris For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

I can tell you how it felt for me. It was like the all the blood in my body rushed to my head. Then fell right to my feet. It felt like my heart was griped by a giant vice . It felt like all the years together, all the memories, all the I love yous, were nothing but lies. I wanted to die, I even prayed to die many times.It has been more than 2 years since d-day and things are much better than they were at first, but it has taken work and a lot of building because we had to start over. None of the good we had before counted.. It still doesn't in my eyes. His deception, lies and cheating killed every bit of it for me. To this good day I wonder if he is lying when he says I love you.Sorry, but you did ask.

I already posted this on your other post, but I am adding a few other memories.Disorientation. I could drive and wonder how I arrived or look around at a familiar place and suddenly I couldn't quite remember it. The total inability to focus. Now I tend to be disorganized to begin with, so maybe this was more marked.I lost the ability to determine reality. This sounds odd, but things not even having to do with H or affair seemed surreal as well. I would have to really think and rationalize.Not believing a single word H said. If he said the sky was blue, I would have checked it out for myself for months. Not being quite able to fit the betrayal in my head. When I was alone, I would repeat over and over "my H is an adulterous liar". It just didn't seem like it could possibly be true, yet I knew it was, but it was like my brain kept trying to reject the idea instead of process it and I needed to stuff it in.See what I mean about thinking I was going insane?Lost 14 pounds in 14 days.And the stress of acting normal (because no one knew) while literally dying inside. No hugs, no shoulders to cry on. Well my H hugged me, but I had an internal love/hate relationship going on in my mind. And since I didn't know WHAT was up with him, really, I Planed Aed him and didn't show a fraction of my torment. Instead I was comforting and sweet and loving all the while I think I may have been capable of murder.It was kind of like my I had to operate in 3 different modes, privately tormented, nice nice nice with H and normal to everone else.It was exhausting and it went on for months.I sure hope this is helping you, because it brings up some pretty raw feelings for the rest of us.

Harddaynight, what is the source of that poem? Thanks for sharing. I have enjoyed playing around with it editing it some to fit my feelings.

wesse Harddaynight, what is the source of that poem? Thanks for sharing. I have enjoyed playing around with it editing it some to fit my feelings. I write poetry to get the negative feelings out of my head, kind of dark I know but it seems to help me

I can't describe how I felt when I was betrayed, but I can put it into perspective. It was worse than when my 8 year old son died 10 months earlier.WAT

Poem by Heine:At first I thought, myself despairing This must crush my spirit now Yet I bore it, and am bearing - Only do not ask me how.I too agree: death would have been easier. Mine for preference. And life is no great catch now either. I keep going, somehow, but find that all the old barriers I erected during an abusive childhood and destructive first marriage, plus the conviction of my beloved teenage son for violent crime, are all back in place. It's like being coated with bullet-proof glass. I know that I really love my husband, and I see how hard he's beginning to try, but nothing really matters anymore. Spend enough time crushing pain and anger, and you lose love and joy as well.

When I first found out....It felt like I had been violently raped, beaten to a pulp, dropped off in a strange and unfamiliar place, and left to die!!!! All done by the person that I trusted most in the world!It's been 3 years since my D-day and this thread still made me tense up.

I would have rather someone cut off my fingers and toes one by one. It was like getting run over by a car and then another and another... It was like a surprise that I actually woke up in the morning, because I felt so awful every moment of every day that I was sure I would die in my sleep.And that was on antidepressants. I have never been a suicidal type - but I know that it can be easy to just let your car drift across the double line on the highway just as a truck is in range... No, I never actually tried in anyway to take my life, but it was the closest I ever came to wanting to.Now I am waiting. My husband says he has seen another lawyer about divorce. It is a lot like I imagine being on death row could be - if I let it. But I am going on with my life. I might never trust another man again, but that is only how I feel now. Who knows how I will feel in another 10 years or so?I want you to remember the most horrible experience you ever had, and the most horrible physical pain you ever had, and a time as a child when you were the most alone and afraid. Put that all together and mix it up - then feel that way every second of every day for a couple of years.You might come close to understanding what it feels like to be betrayed.------------------ terri CourageWhatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong.There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right.To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.Ralph Waldo Emerson

Dear Opdam, How do I feel.Like I have crawled into a hole in the ground,and husband is shoveling the dirt over me.

It was all the above, I did not want to do anything,go anywhere, the feeling of emtyness would not let go no matter what I did. I lost weight, looked and acted like a zombie. If I talked to someone who was divorced I had to know why in order to maybe find a way to get her back if I changed something. Just typing this brings back the intensity of the pain. Now 4.5 years later and close to being divorced the pain has not gone and intensifies every time my son talks about what him and mom does. Of course I can't tell him not to talk about her, I want him to be able to tell me anything. I have a new job now which I like but the world is still grey.There are a lot of days where I look forward to sleep and despise waking cause I know I have to give her up one more day....

I don't really want to bring back those feelings...But I will share that a good friend of mine had lost her h some months before. Heart attack while driving, he was not old...I thought of myself and I thought of her and for a long time I thought how lucky she was; that he died while they still truly loved each other, while it was pure...Now that we have a very good marriage, I am very glad he didn't die...

Dirt on a casket Death for the living Being raped as a helpless child Getting a phone call in the middle of sleep telling you of the death of a child

Everthing above. My D-day of March 17th,2000 was not a confession from my H. It was an admition. I caught him. Cell phone bills and all the usual treatment by someone in an A. Being mean, starting fights, a million excuses not to come home. (husband travels for a living) Always getting (stuck) in the same area. (Detroit MI). We live in IA. When he was home he constantly critisized everything I did. He even told me I could not go with him. Our last child left home so their really was no reason why I could not go, except he had someone else, i just did not know it yet. So at this prediscovery time he had already devestated me on several occasions,that did not stop him, and he did not even tell me there was someone else. He just kept it up. The meaness, the cruelness went on even after Dd. He did not stop his pursuit of happiness. He Just escalated his cruelness to me. He did not love me that way, I made to many mistakes and It was to late for me, she was a genius, fasinating, and she understood him wholly(SP) I guess I was boring, stupid, and not understanding of my own H after 19 years. I did get to keep a corner of his heart though. She took over the rest. He asked me to get a Job and move away, and be happy. They had a deadline of May 5th,2000 and she left the country to decide the fate of my life. I even filed for a D, before the deadline but that did not phase H one bit. He wanted her and not me. period. She came back and said no she was not leaving her H. Mine was ready to leave me and she knew it. He at that time changed his mind. He did want me and love me afterall. (he said) while he still lied to me, they were still calling each other, and he was still sneaking up to see her, when her H was out of town. All this time I am trying to recover my sanity (PROZAC) he is still doing the same thing in his fake recovery. Still telling me I am imagining things, I am crazy, It is the PROZAC etc. He got caught again in Sept, by the same means as before. Cell phone bills. I finally called the broad and asked her when was the last time she had seen my H. She could not remember. (Man it was the day before.) He finally confessed. After I had gone completely biserk. He also had contact with her by phone a couple of more times in OCT. He has Just recently been telling the truth about his A. He does not like to. He thinks I have this huge ego and that is why I just can not get over it. Or I am on the pity pot. I feel like I am intruding in on his private life when I ask questions. He sometimes gets angry with me for even asking. I have felt pain in my 48years. 1st H was abusive, and then he died when I was 28. I have other abusive situations in my life also. I just do not wish to go into. I would much rather have just been shot in the heart then to ever have encountered any of this. The pain of being betrayed by your H of 19 yrs, your best friend, the person you feel safest with, the person who is supposed to protect you, (Your Husband) to be treated with absolute disregard, who can actually watch you cry, not eat, and wish they were dead, over another Woman turns your heart in raw meat. I have almost daily panic attacks, I am on meds. I quit the P and now am trying St Johns Wart. My stomach hurts (panic attacks) almost constantly. I am sure it is because of the continuation of the lying, sneaking etc. I guess you never know when it is really over with them. He does not offer me any truths. I have to almost beg him for answers. I feel like a piece of S$%#. He only proved to me that he did prefer her by his continuing to sneak and his lying. I always wonder what he wants from me. Since he made his preference so obvious to all who knew. He either does not understand this horrible pain he caused or he does not care. Just move on. I still feel like dying. This is a life I did not ask for. Yes, I am angry, hurt, resentful etc. My feelings are real and so are your wife's. We get to live through the torment of your seemingly happiness over your OP. We have to try to recover some of our self esteem, dignity, pride, worthiness etc. Without one drop of critisism from the Betrayers. We the BS lost so much more than they did. They think if they go Whoops, sorry, mistake. We should be all better. Sorry This is long.------------------ Deb

Hi,I asked for all this and I am glad that everyone cared enough to let me know what it feels like. I understand, I can only imagine what it is like, not know. I have taken this in and have actually read the post a couple of times. I am trying my best, which I think is pretty good so far, and know if there is any hope it will be a long road to travel, but at least there may be a road for me to go down.I have learned many things in the last month of my life. A life, which I am not proud of. I am only 33 and hope that my life can change for the better. Right now I never imagined things could be this terrible after I confessed.

Dear Ogdam, I do not wish to judge you,only to give you a glimpse of what the betrayed spouse goes thru.I only wish for one minute that my H would realize,and know how much pain his decision has caused me and my children. I am glad you are on the road to recovery.You may get burned here, because feelings run deep.But if you can get past those angry feelings,there is alot to learn. Prayers to you and your family, beth

Sorry,Opdam,BTW what does that mean?

alone1,It is reverse name I used to use when chatting in chat rooms. Since I have turned my life around, I turned the old name (the one I was not proud of) around also.It is actually initials and the title of employment. That is how it was invented.

How did I feel when I was betrayed?Well, I felt like committing suicide. That's what I told my therapist. I wanted all of the pain to go away because I didn't know if I could live with it.I wanted all of the pain to die and I thought that death would make it go away. But all I could think about if I did do that, was who would take care of my kids? Some OW? No Way!That's when I decided that I needed to live & heal myself, with or without my H.

How did I feel? I didn't find out all at once, it was a building process over a 3-mth period. It was like God was letting me know in layers so I could handle it at one layer at a time then the next & finally the worst. My H told me he was unhappy, rather he started an email argument over a phone call. I think he really set it up, to do it this way. He told me over a period of few days how miserable I had made his life, I was shocked, I knew things could be better but I thought most of his problems were job stress related, then he said that since I wasn't happy either, we wouldn't have sex anymore, then 6 wks later on vacation to see our families he told me he wanted to separate, I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe it; he did agree to put it off till after OS came home from camp 6 wks from then, I was numb. Everyone I saw kept asking what was the matter, (wasn't a good time in the oil patch, so most I got to believe just very worried about H's job), lost 20lbs in 10 days. From there it was a gradual process to relaize there was someone else, just too many lies, things didn't add up, then knew he was involved with the OW, I felt like my heart had been ripped out & roasted over a fire in front of my eyes, I felt like I was bleeding to death. But as bad as that pain was it was nothing to my OS finding out that his beloved dad had cheated on his mom. I think that moment will forever be etched in my heart & soul.How much did it hurt, here it is 18 mths later & I can't write this with out crying my eyes out. It would have been easier if my H had died & I am sorry to say there are times I wished he had.

How does it feel to be betrayed?When my husband told me (I'll just outline the worst reaction I had, not the only one) of his affair(s), I felt instantaneously nauseous. I felt dizzy, lightheaded, kind of like I was dreaming, but at the same time like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and like I was breathing out of a lead lung. I couldn't imagine that this man that told me I was the only woman he had ever loved would have done this?? I spent the next night lying on the bathroom floor, didn't want to get up. My husband was so worried he called his family and told them what he had done and what should he do? They were incredibly dissapointed and were there for me. Yes, I took it pretty hard obviously. You feel like everything that you ever trusted to be always there for you just shattered into a million bits, you have to re-create it, but trying to re-create it from the bits and pieces that were broken and shattered into a million bits isn't easy. That's what it felt like. You can recover, but it takes so much time, time to recreate new memories. It was strange thinking about this, because I've never thought about it in those terms.

One word sums it up for me ......... eviscerated.------------------ ~*~*Yesterday~*~* all my problems seemed so far away~*

I've been cheated on 4 times in the past 3 years that I'm sure of and several more that I suspect. I myself am trying to pull myself together so I can take my kids and leave but I can tell you how I feel. Every time I've been told of it or seen it with my own eyes, every time I'm insulted or their brought up I get this chill all through out my body and my chest literatly aches. I've never told anyone, but if it wasn't for my 3 beautiful boys fathered by the jerk, I don't think I'd be alive! There's times when I'm sweet as can be and want to work things out and there's times when I know we can't and all I can do is cry and want to rip his world right out from under him. Just like he's done to me so many times!!! Your wife not being able to get the pictures out of her head is just as aweful as walking in on you with someone else. You have to love her the best that you can and let her be angry and hurt. You take whatever is coming your way. Help her get through this! I feel for your wife. In fact I'm in tears right now for her and because I'm trying to give advice to you and I don't even know how to get over it!!! I'm not trying to be rude, but maybe you could help me understand how you could do that to her so many times and still claim to love her??? I hope I could be of some help, but I could use just as much advice as you could. PainFromAnother

To pain from another,How could I do this?, I don't know. I have tried and tried many times to give myself an answer and as of right now I can't. I can say now I know that I married the most wonderful woman and mother in the world, and if I am given one last chance, I will be the best husband and father I can be. I know I can't be the best ever, but I can sure be one that I am proud of from this day forward.Thanks again to everyone....

I flipped out. I was at home alone and I laid in my daughter's bed & just flipped out. I had so many thoughts & feelings running through me that I couldn't even do anything. I ended up calling him & told him I needed him. I just remember thinking, I need to call an ambulance & I'm going to be strapped to a bed in some hospital. I couldn't breathe right, I couldn't cry, I couldn't not cry. I ended up on medicine the very next day. I ended up weighing about 93 lbs. (I'm only 5'1", so that's not quite as bad as it sounds, but still). I would eat only 1 time every day and that's only because I made myself. It was terrible, horrible.

Wow, Guess you asked a question that a lot of us have an answer for...I can only say that I too felt exactly as others before me have described it...It is worse than death...having to live and face each new day when all you want is for the pain to go away. I don't think my husband has any idea how awful it was for me...so I commend you for wanting to try and understand. lonesome

The only way I can put it into perspective: I was abducted and raped as a child and the pain of that did not even come close to the pain of my H's affair.

CreteWOW!! What you said sounds EXACTLY like what I am going through with my H.I am so sorry for your pain, but it is comforting that I am not the only one who feels like this!!BD