Dear Opdam,<BR> <BR> How do I feel.Like I have crawled into a hole in the ground,and husband is shoveling the dirt over me.<P>

It was all the above, I did not want to do anything,go anywhere, the feeling of emtyness would not let go no matter what I did. I lost weight, looked and acted like a zombie. If I talked to someone who was divorced I had to know why in order to maybe find a way to get her back if I changed something. Just typing this brings back the intensity of the pain.<BR>Now 4.5 years later and close to being divorced the pain has not gone and intensifies every time my son talks about what him and mom does. Of course I can't tell him not to talk about her, I want him to be able to tell me anything. <BR>I have a new job now which I like but the world is still grey.There are a lot of days where I look forward to sleep and despise waking cause I know I have to give her up one more day....<BR>

I don't really want to bring back those feelings...<P>But I will share that a good friend of mine had lost her h some months before. Heart attack while driving, he was not old...<P>I thought of myself and I thought of her and for a long time I thought how lucky she was; that he died while they still truly loved each other, while it was pure...<P>Now that we have a very good marriage, I am very glad he didn't die...

Dirt on a casket<BR>Death for the living<BR>Being raped as a helpless child<BR>Getting a phone call in the middle of sleep telling you of the death of a child

Everthing above. My D-day of March 17th,2000<BR>was not a confession from my H. It was an admition. I caught him. Cell phone bills and all the usual treatment by someone in an A. Being mean, starting fights, a million excuses not to come home. (husband travels for a living) Always getting (stuck) in the same area. (Detroit MI). We live in IA. When he was home he constantly critisized everything I did. He even told me I could not go with him. Our last child left home so their really was no reason why I could not go, except he had someone else, i just did not know it yet. So at this prediscovery time<BR>he had already devestated me on several occasions,that did not stop him, and he did not even tell me there was someone else. He just kept it up. The meaness, the cruelness went on even after Dd. He did not stop his pursuit of happiness. He Just escalated his cruelness to me. He did not love me that way, I made to many mistakes and It was to late for me, she was a genius, fasinating, and she understood him wholly(SP) I guess I was boring, stupid, and not understanding of my own H after 19 years. I did get to keep a corner of his heart though. She took over the rest. He asked me to get a Job and move away, and be happy. They had a deadline of May 5th,2000 and she left the country to decide the fate of my life. I even filed for a D, before the deadline but that did not phase H one bit. He wanted her and not me. period. She came back and said no she was not leaving her H. Mine was ready to leave me and she knew it. He at that time changed his mind. He did want me and love me afterall. (he said) while he still lied to me, they were still calling each other, and he was still sneaking up to see her, when her H was out of town. All this time I am trying to recover my sanity (PROZAC) he is still doing the same thing in his fake recovery. Still telling me I am imagining things, I am crazy, It is the PROZAC etc. He got caught again in Sept, by the same means as before. Cell phone bills. I finally called the broad and asked her when was the last time she had seen my H. She could not remember. (Man it was the day before.) He finally confessed. After I had gone completely biserk. He also had contact with her by phone a couple of more times in OCT. <P> He has Just recently been telling the truth about his A. He does not like to. He thinks I have this huge ego and that is why I just can not get over it. Or I am on the pity pot. I feel like I am intruding in on his private life when I ask questions. He sometimes gets angry with me for even asking. <P> I have felt pain in my 48years. 1st H was abusive, and then he died when I was 28. I have other abusive situations in my life also. I just do not wish to go into. I would much rather have just been shot in the heart then to ever have encountered any of this. The pain of being betrayed by your H of 19 yrs, your best friend, the person you feel safest with, the person who is supposed to protect you, (Your Husband) to be treated with absolute disregard, who can actually watch you cry, not eat, and wish they were dead, over another Woman turns your heart in raw meat. I have almost daily panic attacks, I am on meds. I quit the P and now am trying St Johns Wart. My stomach hurts (panic attacks) almost constantly. I am sure it is because of the continuation of the lying, sneaking etc. I guess you never know when it is really over with them.<P> He does not offer me any truths. I have to almost beg him for answers. I feel like a piece of S$%#. He only proved to me that he did prefer her by his continuing to sneak and his lying. I always wonder what he wants from me. Since he made his preference so obvious to all who knew.<P> He either does not understand this horrible pain he caused or he does not care. Just move on. I still feel like dying. This is a life I did not ask for. Yes, I am angry, hurt, resentful etc. My feelings are real and so are your wife's. We get to live through the torment of your seemingly happiness over your OP. We have to try to recover some of our self esteem, dignity, pride, worthiness etc. Without one drop of critisism from the Betrayers. We the BS lost so much more than they did. They think if they go Whoops, sorry, mistake. We should be all better. Sorry This is long.<P><P>------------------<BR>Deb

Hi,<P>I asked for all this and I am glad that everyone cared enough to let me know what it feels like. I understand, I can only imagine what it is like, not know. I have taken this in and have actually read the post a couple of times. <P>I am trying my best, which I think is pretty good so far, and know if there is any hope it will be a long road to travel, but at least there may be a road for me to go down.<P>I have learned many things in the last month of my life. A life, which I am not proud of. I am only 33 and hope that my life can change for the better. Right now I never imagined things could be this terrible after I confessed.

Dear Ogdam,<P> I do not wish to judge you,only to give you a glimpse of what the betrayed spouse goes thru.I only wish for one minute that my H would realize,and know how much pain his decision has caused me and my children.<P> I am glad you are on the road to recovery.You may get burned here, because feelings run deep.But if you can get past those angry feelings,there is alot to learn.<BR> <BR> Prayers to you and your family, beth

Sorry,Opdam,BTW what does that mean?

alone1,<P>It is reverse name I used to use when chatting in chat rooms. Since I have turned my life around, I turned the old name (the one I was not proud of) around also.<P>It is actually initials and the title of employment. That is how it was invented.

How did I feel when I was betrayed?<P>Well, I felt like committing suicide. That's what I told my therapist. I wanted all of the pain to go away because I didn't know if I could live with it.<P>I wanted all of the pain to die and I thought that death would make it go away. But all I could think about if I did do that, was who would take care of my kids? Some OW? No Way!<P>That's when I decided that I needed to live & heal myself, with or without my H.

How did I feel? <P>I didn't find out all at once, it was a building process over a 3-mth period. <P>It was like God was letting me know in layers so I could handle it at one layer at a time then the next & finally the worst. <P>My H told me he was unhappy, rather he started an email argument over a phone call. I think he really set it up, to do it this way. He told me over a period of few days how miserable I had made his life, I was shocked, I knew things could be better but I thought most of his problems were job stress related, then he said that since I wasn't happy either, we wouldn't have sex anymore, then 6 wks later on vacation to see our families he told me he wanted to separate, I was dumbfounded. I couldn't believe it; he did agree to put it off till after OS came home from camp 6 wks from then, I was numb. Everyone I saw kept asking what was the matter, (wasn't a good time in the oil patch, so most I got to believe just very worried about H's job), lost 20lbs in 10 days. <P>From there it was a gradual process to relaize there was someone else, just too many lies, things didn't add up, then knew he was involved with the OW, I felt like my heart had been ripped out & roasted over a fire in front of my eyes, I felt like I was bleeding to death. But as bad as that pain was it was nothing to my OS finding out that his beloved dad had cheated on his mom. I think that moment will forever be etched in my heart & soul.<P>How much did it hurt, here it is 18 mths later & I can't write this with out crying my eyes out. It would have been easier if my H had died & I am sorry to say there are times I wished he had.<BR>

How does it feel to be betrayed?<P>When my husband told me (I'll just outline the worst reaction I had, not the only one) of his affair(s), I felt instantaneously nauseous. I felt dizzy, lightheaded, kind of like I was dreaming, but at the same time like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and like I was breathing out of a lead lung. I couldn't imagine that this man that told me I was the only woman he had ever loved would have done this?? I spent the next night lying on the bathroom floor, didn't want to get up. My husband was so worried he called his family and told them what he had done and what should he do? They were incredibly dissapointed and were there for me. Yes, I took it pretty hard obviously. You feel like everything that you ever trusted to be always there for you just shattered into a million bits, you have to re-create it, but trying to re-create it from the bits and pieces that were broken and shattered into a million bits isn't easy. That's what it felt like. You can recover, but it takes so much time, time to recreate new memories. It was strange thinking about this, because I've never thought about it in those terms. <P>

One word sums it up for me .....<P>.... eviscerated.<P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

I've been cheated on 4 times in the past 3 years that I'm sure of and several more that I suspect. I myself am trying to pull myself together so I can take my kids and leave but I can tell you how I feel. <BR> Every time I've been told of it or seen it with my own eyes, every time I'm insulted or their brought up I get this chill all through out my body and my chest literatly aches. I've never told anyone, but if it wasn't for my 3 beautiful boys fathered by the jerk, I don't think I'd be alive! There's times when I'm sweet as can be and want to work things out and there's times when I know we can't and all I can do is cry and want to rip his world right out from under him. Just like he's done to me so many times!!! Your wife not being able to get the pictures out of her head is just as aweful as walking in on you with someone else. <BR> You have to love her the best that you can and let her be angry and hurt. You take whatever is coming your way. Help her get through this! I feel for your wife. In fact I'm in tears right now for her and because I'm trying to give advice to you and I don't even know how to get over it!!! <BR> I'm not trying to be rude, but maybe you could help me understand how you could do that to her so many times and still claim to love her???<BR> I hope I could be of some help, but I could use just as much advice as you could.<BR> PainFromAnother<BR>

To pain from another,<P>How could I do this?, I don't know. I have tried and tried many times to give myself an answer and as of right now I can't. <P>I can say now I know that I married the most wonderful woman and mother in the world, and if I am given one last chance, I will be the best husband and father I can be. I know I can't be the best ever, but I can sure be one that I am proud of from this day forward.<P>Thanks again to everyone....

I flipped out. I was at home alone and I laid in my daughter's bed & just flipped out. I had so many thoughts & feelings running through me that I couldn't even do anything. I ended up calling him & told him I needed him. I just remember thinking, I need to call an ambulance & I'm going to be strapped to a bed in some hospital. I couldn't breathe right, I couldn't cry, I couldn't not cry. I ended up on medicine the very next day. I ended up weighing about 93 lbs. (I'm only 5'1", so that's not quite as bad as it sounds, but still). I would eat only 1 time every day and that's only because I made myself. It was terrible, horrible.

Wow,<BR>Guess you asked a question that a lot of us have an answer for...I can only say that I too felt exactly as others before me have described it...It is worse than death...having to live and face each new day when all you want is for the pain to go away.<BR>I don't think my husband has any idea how awful it was for me...so I commend you for wanting to try and understand.<BR>lonesome

The only way I can put it into perspective:<P> I was abducted and raped as a child and the pain of that did not even come close to the pain of my H's affair.

Crete<P>WOW!! What you said sounds EXACTLY like what I am going through with my H.<P>I am so sorry for your pain, but it is comforting that I am not the only one who feels like this!!<P>BD