Nduli -<P>I am a WS, and when I told my H about the affair (EA/PA that lasted about 5-6 months), I told him how much I loved him, and how much I was sorry. At the time, I made a commitment to him to try and work things out. I ended contact with the OM, and we have been recovering very well ever since.<P>At first, I definitely said stuff like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Even though I could not picture leaving my H, I thought - at best - we would just be platonic friends who happened to be married. But, that was almost 11 months ago, and I can honestly tell you that those feelings DO change - and for me, they have changed in a big way.<P>At first, I had so many doubts. I kept waiting for those feelings to return - I figured, if my H could meet MY needs, then, magically, I would have those in-love feelings again. Unfortunately, it wasn't until about 2 months after d-day, that I actually started to get over the OM, come out of the fog, however you want to put it. I was in withdrawl for a while, and I became a little discouraged, but I promised myself that I would give it a year, and if "things" weren't any better - well, my H and I would have to reevaluate our relationship.<P>While we have read many of the books recommended on this site, we have never gone for counseling. I stopped contact with the OM, but when I really started to feel "more in love with my H" - ironically, was not because he was meeting all my needs - but when I started to meet his needs. At first, it seemed like I was just going through the motions. In some ways, it felt like I wasn't being sincere. But, I did love my H. Then, after a while of sending him cards, emails, buying special little presents, taking little trips, doing things for him - well, I don't know an easy way to put this, but before, there was not too much passion in our lovemaking - we were trying to squeeze it in (oops
) here and there, but I don't know - it just felt like sex, not making love. (The women know what I'm talking about here). But, one night, and I don't remember when it was exactly - probably about 3-4 months into recovery/no contact, and my H and I actually made love, and I cried - because it felt so good, so right, I was so happy to be with my H at that point in time. It was only a spark of hope, but it was that one little spark that kept me going.<P>Now, 11 months into recovery, I can honestly say that I love my H more today than I did on the day that I married him. And, I really appreciate the man that he is, the love that he has for me, and the marriage that was worth saving.<P>So, yes, there is hope. For me, the biggest part of finding those feelings again was having no contact with the OM and talking openly and honestly with my H. Feelings change. When we first got married, I was so in love that having an affair was not even in my realm of thinking. Somewhere along the lines, my H and I began to take each other for granted. We wern't meeting each others' needs. We were and always have been best friends, but that friendship, while it was the thing that held us together, kind of dwindled into complacency. So, I guess my point is, that if your feelings can change for the worse, they can also change for the better. My H and I are proof of that - and I'm sure there are other success stories out there, too.<P>But, it doesn't happen overnight, and it takes time, patience, open communication, and a desire to have a better marriage. I probably could have been happy "just being friends" with my H - but he deserves so much more than that from a wife, and I deserve more than that from a H. Feelings change, and they CAN change for the better.