Might seem like a strange question but when you were just coming out of your A what were your feelings towards your spouse and have those feelings changed as time has gone on? Could you honestly say that you weren't in love with them or attracted to them and over time did that change for the better?<BR> I'm asking because this is the way my H feels now. He loves me but there's no attraction he cares but is not in love with me. It's so hard to see any hope that this will change and he says he can't see that changing easily either.<BR> Is there any hope?

I'm not a WS, but I will tell you that is almost to the exact word what my H said.<P>Yes, it changed. Took months, but one night I woke up and he was watching me sleep bcs (he said) "you are so beautiful, and I love you so much"). Things are still good & getting better.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

Yes, there is hope. I am A WS. I did not feel "in love" with my H for some time after the affair. But to be fair, I probably did not feel "in love" for some time BEFORE the A, because we weren't doing a good job meeting each others needs. We are almost a year in to recovery now, and are doing very well. To be honest, I struggle sometimes, still. I always care and feel love, and have committed to be with my husband. Feelings of passion ebb and flow (they always have). But more than anything, I am optimistic (most days!) that we will continue to get better.

Nduli -<P>I am a WS, and when I told my H about the affair (EA/PA that lasted about 5-6 months), I told him how much I loved him, and how much I was sorry. At the time, I made a commitment to him to try and work things out. I ended contact with the OM, and we have been recovering very well ever since.<P>At first, I definitely said stuff like "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." Even though I could not picture leaving my H, I thought - at best - we would just be platonic friends who happened to be married. But, that was almost 11 months ago, and I can honestly tell you that those feelings DO change - and for me, they have changed in a big way.<P>At first, I had so many doubts. I kept waiting for those feelings to return - I figured, if my H could meet MY needs, then, magically, I would have those in-love feelings again. Unfortunately, it wasn't until about 2 months after d-day, that I actually started to get over the OM, come out of the fog, however you want to put it. I was in withdrawl for a while, and I became a little discouraged, but I promised myself that I would give it a year, and if "things" weren't any better - well, my H and I would have to reevaluate our relationship.<P>While we have read many of the books recommended on this site, we have never gone for counseling. I stopped contact with the OM, but when I really started to feel "more in love with my H" - ironically, was not because he was meeting all my needs - but when I started to meet his needs. At first, it seemed like I was just going through the motions. In some ways, it felt like I wasn't being sincere. But, I did love my H. Then, after a while of sending him cards, emails, buying special little presents, taking little trips, doing things for him - well, I don't know an easy way to put this, but before, there was not too much passion in our lovemaking - we were trying to squeeze it in (oops ) here and there, but I don't know - it just felt like sex, not making love. (The women know what I'm talking about here). But, one night, and I don't remember when it was exactly - probably about 3-4 months into recovery/no contact, and my H and I actually made love, and I cried - because it felt so good, so right, I was so happy to be with my H at that point in time. It was only a spark of hope, but it was that one little spark that kept me going.<P>Now, 11 months into recovery, I can honestly say that I love my H more today than I did on the day that I married him. And, I really appreciate the man that he is, the love that he has for me, and the marriage that was worth saving.<P>So, yes, there is hope. For me, the biggest part of finding those feelings again was having no contact with the OM and talking openly and honestly with my H. Feelings change. When we first got married, I was so in love that having an affair was not even in my realm of thinking. Somewhere along the lines, my H and I began to take each other for granted. We wern't meeting each others' needs. We were and always have been best friends, but that friendship, while it was the thing that held us together, kind of dwindled into complacency. So, I guess my point is, that if your feelings can change for the worse, they can also change for the better. My H and I are proof of that - and I'm sure there are other success stories out there, too.<P>But, it doesn't happen overnight, and it takes time, patience, open communication, and a desire to have a better marriage. I probably could have been happy "just being friends" with my H - but he deserves so much more than that from a wife, and I deserve more than that from a H. Feelings change, and they CAN change for the better.

In short, after the EA I was confused unhappy and miserable. A year later, I can honestly say I am not in love with my stbxh. I was attracted to him 17 years ago, but that attraction is gone. <P>There is so much talk about fog. I am sure in some cases it is true, but not in my case. The only that I was in was thinking my H would change and things would get better. It didn't.<P>

I have to admit that when my A was going on, I wasn't sure HOW I felt about my H . . . mostly b/c I was so blinded by what I thought was my "love" for the OM. At the time I could think of nothing else.<P>However, when the A ended I realized that I love my H very much. I'm realizing that more and more every day, and I'm thankful that this very special man loves me enough to give our marriage a second chance.

At least I can see that there's some hope here. I'm having a very bad day today and have been crying for the better part of it.<BR> I really wish my feelings towards him would change and that I could walk away. I'm hurting so badly and nothing ever makes it stop. Once again those self destructive urges are returning and I've had suicidal thoughts more than once today. It would just be so easy and then I wouldn't be crying every day. I wouldn't because it would devestate my family but there's just so much that's making me unhappy right now and I have comfort.<BR> My family is of no help and all they tell me to do is leave him and yell at me when I get emotional. Basically since this happened they have cut me off. I have nothing mut this board to air these feelings and I feel trapped. If I could just let it all go and just move on with my life....The uncertainty of what tomorrow is going to bring is driving me crazy. I wish I could relax again.

Dear Nduli,<P>I feel so much for you. I am a BS and have been trying to cope for several months. The feelings go in phases, that is for sure. From shock, to anger, to pain, to sadness, to strength, to sadness, to anger, and so on. I have been where you are (desperately sad and feeling suicidal) twice and I know how terribly lonely and hopeless you feel. Your life has been forever changed and what you thought was real was not. It is like mouring a death...a death of what you thought your relationship was.<P>When I first learned, yes my H said horrible things: I love you like my friend so and so, but am not in love with you; I have never felt such overwhelming love for anybody as I did for OW; I don't recall ever having felt such love for you...just a deep caring.<P>These things hurt! You will be sad, BUT be strong. I'm sure that you can remember being in love...that feeling is not created alone. Sometimes I trick myself out of those horrible days by allowing myself to cry and be sad, go to bed early and tell myself that tomorrow is a new day and that I have to take care of myself and be strong. Sometimes I will "dress strong": wear nice, but bold clothing that looks like it means business. I will get compliments and that helps me to feel better and to go home and be a little better of a mom.<P>As to is there any hope: only time will tell if you and your spouse can work things out, but if you take care of yourself and learn some tools to keep you strong...YOU WILL SURVIVE. BUT DON'T SURVIVE WITHOUT LEARNING WHAT WENT WRONG IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP. TAKE SOME LESSON AWAY FROM THIS SO THAT YOU CAN CONTRIBUTE POSITIVELY TO YOUR EXISTING, OR TO ANY NEW RELATIONSHIPS IN THE FUTURE. <P>I feel for you, take care! LL

Nduli,<BR>you seem to be a very sensitive and intelligent lady.<BR>Just don't do anything stupid, you hear me?<BR>If your H doesn't want you, thousands of other men out there will be willing to take his place and give you the love you obviously deserve.<BR>Do you have any children?<BR>If so, think about them, and hang on in there and do a Plan A, no matter how unfair and unnatural it feels.<BR>If not, you should be thinking about yourself first, and trying to imagine what life would be like without your husband.<BR>In this case, not having children will make your final decision a bit easier than for the rest of us who have children to think about.<BR>

Nduli,<BR> I could have written your post just a few short months ago. I felt so depressed over the whole thing, and felt like I would never be totally happy again. My H was doing everything right to make me feel loved and secure, but I just couldn't get over the sadness. I felt so desperate to feel better and kept saying to myself, if I am going to feel this way for the rest of my life, I might as well end it now. Then one day, something just happened to my way of thinking, I don't know how to explain this, I just got a calm about me and all of the past didn't matter to me anymore. I finally realized that what mattered is what I did with my life now, and I finally realized that I am a strong woman and that no matter what happens in the future, I will survive.<P>I think this too will come to you. Just hang in there, and start doing things for YOU. Don't be so busy trying to fix the marriage that you don't take the time to heal yourself.<BR>Hope this helps

Good testimony SKM! Couple of questions for you. Were you in love with your husband before the affair? Why did you confess? What motivated you to stop the affair?

Shurlay -<P>Not a lot of time today, but I'll try to answer your questions.<P>(1)Were you in love with your husband before the affair? I definitely loved my H prior to and even during the affair. I know that's very difficult to understand. The love I had for my H was that deep love that comes from knowing that you are best friends, that you couldn't imagine starting your day much less living your life without that person in it. Before the affair - before I met the OM - I would have said that things were fine. At times, and this might be graphic, but I like really passionate kisses. And when my H and I were first dating, married, etc. . .we had those passionate kisses. But as our marriage went along we became too caught up in our lives, in a way we became too comfrotable with each other, that the passionate kisses kind of stopped. I went to bed early, my H stayed up late working. I guess I was either very high maintenance or I just didn't think I was a priority in my H's life. But, I never really knew that anything was wrong, or that I was even capable of having and affair until I met the OM.<P>When I met the OM - here was a guy that was telling me I was beautiful when I really didn't feel that way. Here was a guy who was willing to take off work to spend the day with me. Here was a guy who made me feel good about myself, when I really wasn't feeling that good about myself.<P>Now, my H always said that I was beautiful, always said that he loved me, etc. . .He always bought me little cards for no reason, etc. . .But, I thought my H had to do those things because he was my H. I thought he was saying a was pretty, smart, whatever - because he HAD to. It was strange, but if you can have a mid-life crisis at 32 - I think I had one. Prior to the A, my H and I had been trying to have children for about 1 year or two. At 32, I was caught between wanting to be a mother and wanting to have fun.<P>So, yes, I loved my H, but I didn't really love myself too much. Was I in-love with him, I don't know, I don't really think so. I loved him like you would a very good friend, but I felt like something was missing, but I didn't know what it was, and then when the OM popped onto the scene - well, I thought that's what I was missing. I think my problems came primarily from low self-esteem - not from a lack of love for my H. I wanted something - but didn't know what it was.<P>(2)Why did you confess? What motivated you to stop the affair? <P>I answered thi in a post by Angelface, in fact I was just on there this morning so it should be at the top. Primarily, I confessed because I really did love my H and I couldn't imagine living my life without him. I couldn't take the lies, the cheating, the deception - it was eating me alive. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop it - that's why I think it's like an addiction - not to alcohol or drugs, but to affection/attention.<P>All along, and it's weird, but it was more of an EA than a PA - even though there was some physical stuff going on. I could rationalize away things when it was an EA - because I felt like the OM and I were "just friends." That's why I didn't confess at the beginning. When it went to a PA, well, I couldn't rationalize that away. I felt dirty, I felt sleazy and I didn't know how I could even sleep in the same bed with my H. There was nothing else I could do, but confess. I mean my H was bound to notice me all balled up in a corner - crying all the time. I couldn't live with what I had done, I had to tell him, I needed his help to fix things.