To summertime - 03/23/01 10:32 PM
I've read the most recent posts and what Sad Heart had to say. I'm truly sorry that you are in the process of giving up on your marriage rather than rebuilding it. I'm not sure I have anything helpful to say to you, but I will try. It may not all be easy to hear, but I promise you that I am saying these things out of compassion and honesty. It isn't my job to save your marriage...that is up to you and your husband. What I hope to do is offer you some valid reasons to rethink your plan to leave your marriage.<P>I'll answer the question you thought I might not be able to answer first. Where do I think my marriage would be if I didn't have God in my life. I don't think my marriage would be anywhere near what it is today without God in it and in my life. God is the reason we have what we have....our faith and trust in Him has brought us through. Do I think a marriage can be rebuilt without God? My intent here is not to hurt, but I have to be honest....I don't think anything is possible without God. Many people believe they are happy and have everything they could ever need, but if they don't have God they have nothing worthwhile. <P>You say that this board isn't realistic because most people here have it too easy. Whether you realize it or not, you have it much easier than many, if not most, of the people here. You have a husband who realizes the stupidity of his actions, realizes what he almost destroyed and is remorseful. This is a gift! There are hundreds of women reading here who would give their right arm to have what you have....and you want to throw it away because of this wall of unforgiveness and protection you have built around yourself. In reality that is what I feel sorry for you for more than anything....not the affair, but the wall that is causing you to live in this state of unforgiveness and grief.<P>In some ways I am a little offended that you think most of us here can't understand your pain...that we have it so much easier than you do. What I experienced in those early months was absolute hell and I don't ever want to go there again. I cried every day for months. My emotions were raw and a rollercoaster....from anger to anguish to passion in minutes. I was making myself crazy. I didn't eat for the first 2 days after the revelation of the affair and couldn't eat a full meal for weeks after that. I couldn't sleep through the night and woke up crying many mornings. I couldn't concentrate on work...mental images of my husband and the ow or the words he had written to her in emails dominated my thoughts. I was angry...extremely angry...and extremely afraid and distrustful. I badgered my husband with questions day and night.....I'm sure he began to dread riding the car with me because that was the time I had him captive and would always bring up the affair. I'm grateful that my children were teenagers....they were pretty much on their own for a while. I couldn't manage a job, housework, and laundry for a long time....they were real troopers. And yes they know about the affair and have forgiven their dad and have a wonderful relationship with him.<P>The woman my husband had an affair with was supposedly a friend of mine....someone we went to church with. There were people in the church who were very suspicious and even fairly certain of what was going on and none of them ever said a word to me. I was angry with them all and felt abandoned by the very people who were supposed to love and support me. In a way this was a favor because it allowed my husband and me to hear God very clearly...there weren't a lot of other voices to confuse us. The day I got an email from someone who I thought was a friend and supporter telling me the affair was my fault and other very hurtful things, I wanted to die. My husband refused to leave me alone for several weeks after that, even though I assured him I wasn't suicidal. There were many times when I thought healing was just too hard and that I couldn't do it any more. But divorce wasn't something I wanted either....the only option I had was to stay the course and work through it all.<P>You ask how you can believe your husband can really love you now if he said he loved you but still had an affair. I thought that too....and I realized that he did love me during the affair, but he loved himself more for a little while. You believe the sun will come up tomorrow don't you...you don't have any promise of that other than the fact that it has come up every other day of your life. Then apply that faith to your husband. Believe that he can love you and not hurt you again.<P>You have the choice to heal with your husband or without him. Divorcing him won't fix this. What is going on in your heart is deeper than that. There is a shell that you've built and a divorce won't break it. You will carry the baggage from this situation into any other relationship you have and there are no guarantees that you won't be betrayed again. Your chances at happiness are much greater with your husband than without him in my opinion.<P>Please understand....I truly am sorry that this has happened in your life. It is unfair and it is awful and it is every other negative adjective you can think of. Your husband was stupid and selfish and thoughtless. But if he is remorseful and if he is doing all the right things now, then he is worth keeping. We can choose to live in the past or we can choose to live in the present....we can choose to heal and be happy or to stay in the pain and not be happy. <P>God isn't a magician, waving some special magic wand and fixing some people and not others. God is a loving, caring, Father who wants His children to trust Him and follow Him. He will show you the path to healing if you ask Him to. He won't just drop a miracle in your lap while you sit and everything will be okay, though. You have to take what He offers and do some work. You have to realize that your husband did something terrible, but you also have to take a long look at yourself and see some things you may need to change as well. You aren't responsible for his choice to have an affair, but my guess is that you've done things in your marriage that you need forgiveness for as well. <P>How would you want to be treated if the tables were turned? And don't give me that "I would NEVER be unfaithful" line. The bottom line is that nobody on this board knows exactly what they would do under the wrong circumstances. I don't think I would ever be unfaithful, but since I haven't faced that opportunity I don't know for sure. Really stop and put yourself in his shoes....think about how you would want to be treated.<P>I don't believe you really want to stay in this state....even though I don't know you, I believe the fact that you have come here shows that you want healing. Yes, I know you are afraid...but that fear won't go away unless you face it and take steps to conquer it. Yes, I know you've been hurt and can't trust. Trust doesn't return all at once...it is rebuilt one step at a time and the first steps belong to your husband. Yes, I know he could be unfaithful again. But that risk is very small if you are both working together and are vigilant over your marriage. You have a history with this man....probably children too. You say you've overlooked things in him through the years....I'm sure he has returned the favor. <P>Some suggestions...I know I've gotten very long here..I have a tendency to do that when I get on this soapbox. I believe marriages are worth saving and restoring....I know it is worth the effort. Read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder...an awesome book on restoration. Turn to God and ask Him to help you....let Him lead you to happiness. Get Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby....the best devotion book I've ever read...I actually went through it twice! <P>I will pray for you tonight......<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31