SPICY VISITATION FROM PASTOR! - 12/13/01 05:43 PM
Did I get your attention? <p>I want to say that I am currently not anxious about our Pastor's potential motives with my DW!<p>Our Pastor came over last night & he had lots of good words of encouragement & spoke about he & my DW's meeting -- in so many words he was saying that she wants this to work -- It also was reinforcing her agenda a bit -- I need to trust. To trust in the Lord, will help me to Trust in DW.
I said that I realize that things I have asked for to help reinforce a trusting feeling IN ME, like being more open about her plans and ECT. go against her feelings that I am trying to control. No comments WERE MADE about that-
The Pastor spoke of when he was there with me in January & all the pain I felt. My DW was crying A BIT & I could tell she had some remorse in her attitude -- Something I had not seen in a long, LONG time.
He talked about praying together. Something I had brought up with DW on a couple occasions. She is now open to that idea & we did that this morning (instead of sex).
He spoke about praying for a stronger commitment to our Lord & that would create a stronger commitment to each other. He said it would be time for intimacy with our lord & also with us.
Over all, his words were very comforting & good!
After he left I managed to get a good LB in however! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
He said that my DW had TOLD HIM that she had been tempted & she said no to the person. This was presented as a testament, like a triumph she overcame. She later told me that he had asked the question & she answered – perhaps a break through or stepping stones for her to be more honest?<p>The Pastor went on the say that he has not told her this in private, but that let’s face it, she is an attractive women ( he’s not dumb about my sensitivities!) and that there are a lot of PREDATORS out there that are only interested in them selves & not the honor of a marriage. He lead up to the fact that she was a good salesperson & that she may need to consider a different job & that I needed to develop a better feeling of trust. That no matter where she worked or what she did, there was always going to be potential for temptations. He made an excellent presentaion & I was not offended & It made me feel good about some commitments my DW was kind of making that I had not heard before.<p>Now when I put it in writing I am not without some concerns & do not totally buy into this. For example, the idea that no matter what she did there is always going to be temptation, therefore I should just trust in her. In an extreme example for instance, given her history & sexual appetite, I don’t think it would give me much comfort if she became a stripper for example! Extreme example,I know! He mentioned the possibility of something she had considered before. That was a straight commission sales job, which would require overnight travel. <p>This immediately gave me images of her doing something she says she misses – going out dancing at the bars. And after a couple lonely nights, her sex drive I can imagine would be busting out. Believe me, her method of dance is very seductive & she throws that up in my face, like I’m too controlling if I suggest she tone it down, like this is a real threat to her liberties! Frankly, when she swivels her hips in a grinding, seductive motion that is one thing, but when she throws her arms up over her head while grinding the hips, maybe it’s just me, but it makes me feel very insecure that she’s trying to attract extra attention & a show for others enjoyment as well. ?? We were out with friends not long ago & her & I were dancing & when she put her arms up over her head, & I pulled them back down – she got pissed and stormed off. I am Mr. Prude & Mr. Controlling here I guess??<p>This turning down temptation thing got under my skin a little because I have asked her if she has been tempted & she would get defensive & say she did not want to have that conversation. I had also recently asked her if she ever thought about what to say if & when a guy came onto her & she said no & acted real indignant, like it was ridiculous to suggest a need to do such a thing.<p>After the Pastor left I could not resist asking her about this temptation thing. She said she hesitated to mention it to me because she figured I would get upset. I said no, this is what I talk about in being open & honest & being able to talk about this kind of thing. I said that I think is stupid to think that it won’t come up. I said that with the way she looks, it is almost like a certainty to come up & to suggest that it doesn’t really insults me! <p>She told me about this guy that approached her in the mall as she was leaving the bank & he laid on real heavy compliments, like she was beautiful & stood out in a crowd, Ect. She said that he said he noticed she was married & she replied, Yes, 31 years! She then told him “thanks for the compliment” & turned and walked away.
Now the context was that she was very firm & definite with her message & she said he did not follow her & that she told the people she worked with about the whole – like this was to give me comfort that she was not hiding this --(with them at least!).<p>I asked her if there was any other way she could have handled it -- Now perhaps I'm being picky here. She got very defensive & said she did not want to do this & that this made her want to "flea" -- She said that she is an adult & knows full well how to handle these situations.<p>She said she could have given the guy the finger and told him to Fxxx off. I said that of course is quite confrontational, but don’t you think you could have had a response somewhere between the two.<p>Now I’ll admit, in the back of my mind I am recalling what she told me about her first encounter with the tree guy. He was laying on very strong compliments & suggestions. She told him that she was married for 30 years (at the time). He used that as logic or as a reason to fool around; with lines like haven’t you ever wanted to live out some fantasies & don’t you get bored being with the same guy all that time?!
She said she told him that he should not be talking to a married women that way. He then continued with more advances and in her words, she melted to temptation. She said that she should have asked him to leave. Now in my mind her response to this new guy was not that much different with the exception that she walked away.<p>Now maybe I am dumb about this stuff, but to me, saying you are married as a means to discourage advancements is not real strong. I mean if the guy is this ‘PREDATOR” kind of guy, they know full well that the fact that she is married, in the end, has very little to do with all this!<p>I told her that I understand that she does not want to upset anyone & that she appreciates the attention & the compliments. This is why she dresses the way she does. She has made that a specific point. Now, I have not challenged her about the compliments and the looks from gals vs. guys, but I assume that gals are not going to lay on thick compliments & that the attention from Guys is a lot more meaningful. Do you think I should get that clarified?<p>I went on to say that in my opinion I don’t think it is a healthy attitude if you feel compelled that even when a guy has obviously over stepped some boundaries that you feel compelled to be nice to him?! That you don’t want to be too firm for fear of hurting his feelings?! I said if he is his “predator” kind of guy, that you in a sense gave him a positive reinforcement that you liked his compliments. Although the initial message was no, there was some evidence that if he was aggressive, that the response would detour his intentions, but that if he was really interested he would be back – the predator might be challenged with what I consider a mild rejection. I said that in my opinion, there is nothing wrong that particularly when the guy is a stranger, that you be really firm & make it explicatively clear that you are insulted & upset that he would make these comments and that there is absolutely no way! To thank him for the compliment & then walk away, I’M NOT SURE IS A STRONG MESSAGE OF DECLINATION?! I assume her demeanor was firm and he got the message, but my point with her was that what is wrong if we talk about alternative responses to advances. To be prepared for these, so that the next time you are not caught off guard and your response is perhaps better OR STRONGER TO ELIMINATE ANY & ALL DOUBT!<p>This morning I apologized for my attitude about the guys advances & that I was interested in helping her, not hurting her. We did have a joint prayer.<p>I UNDERSTAND THAT GUYS CAN BE AGGRESSIVE WITH THEIR ADVANCES, BUT I WONDER, IT SEEMS THE PASTOR’S PERCEPTION & MY DW IS THAT THESE THINGS ARE ALL RESULT OF THESE "PREDATORS," & THAT SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OR RESPONSIBILITY OVER THIS & THAT THERE IS NOTHING SHE COULD POSSIBLY DO TO MAKE SUCH ADVANCES LESS LIKELY?! OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHERE I AM GOING. OR, TO GIVE ME ANY REAL ASSURANCES BY THE WAY SHE DRESSES AND THE LIKE, AS AN EXAMPLE, THAT SHE IS NOT IN FACT INTERESTED IN CERTAIN ADVANCES & FLIRTATIOUS KIND OF ATTENTION. IT JUST SEEMS TO ME THAT SHE DOES NOT HAVE A STRONG TRACK RECORD WITH DECLINING SUCH ADVANCES, WHY PRESS THE ISSUE WITH THE SEXY LOOK?! JUST A THOUGHT ... I OF COURSE WILL NOT MAKE ANY DIRECT SUGGESTIONS AS SUCH!<p>I may be getting closer to this abstinence thing? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] We were not intimate Monday Evening, Tuesday AM or Tuesday PM & Wednesday AM. (Our normal routine). This is where I say we were W/O for like three days, which is actually overstated. I was looking for size doubles A batteries. Her small toy was out of batteries & so she told me she got new batteries. In this conversation I ask her about her toy & she says she tried to help herself that (Wednesday, yesterday) morning (before her appointment with Pastor, which I am sure there was no correlation :eek [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] She said it did not really work for her --- dah, is that good or bad. When she mentioned this I told her that I was a little disappointed, that she seems to enjoy this with something rather impersonal, compared to me and that she seems to not be able to go very long without sexual gratification. A little bit later she tried to plead her case that lots of women have these. I said I can understand that, but do they have the kind of activity you have? I asked her if she has friends that would use this everyday as an example. She of course declined comments & she even deflected this by asking what I would say if our daughter had one of these. I told her I did not want to consider that -- this by the way was a friendly, light discussion!<p>When we were talking about the advances of other guys I told her that I hoped she understood that some of my anxieties is the fact that I know how important sex is to her & I wonder if I don’t perform for even a few times in our typical cycle (twice a day!), that this makes her even more receptive to the attention of other guys & then on top of that she does not call very often to let me know her plans. iT MAKES ME FEEL UNSURE AT TIMES. She said she’s been calling. I don’t think so! Perhaps she meant that she called once in last 5 –6 days, yes that would be more, bUt not my idea of real communication about plans and where abouts.
This morning she said I could have the double A battery for her toy. She also politely declined my mild offer to be intimate.
Have I now created a monster, where she is going to try & convince me that she is no longer that interested in sex, while at the same she has this ever increasing desire building up inside?!<p>An issue that the Pastor did not bring up was my sensitivities of my DW’s dress. My DW had mentioned to me that he asked if I still talk to her about her dress & she told HIM that I did not. It is interesting that before he arrived, she changed into a top that was A baggy, lose fitting sweat shirt kind of top.
I should mention that when the Pastor said we need to find ways to communicate on daily basis, our love for each other, that that would go to her side of the responsibility ledger, something she does not do. I don’t know if Pastor was thinking in those terms, that is something she needs to work on more than I. If the future is indicative of past, this part of the formula will not be processed by her! She is not nearly as tolerant of making changes herslf.<p>One last point. In our lively discussion I made references to policy of “Openness & Honesty” She took offense to the use of the word, “openness” – said it irritated her to hear that – like I was over using the term & it made her sick to hear it! Can you think of good substitute word?<p>At least we got some things out in the open didn’t we?<p>Love & Prayers!<p>HH
I said that I realize that things I have asked for to help reinforce a trusting feeling IN ME, like being more open about her plans and ECT. go against her feelings that I am trying to control. No comments WERE MADE about that-
The Pastor spoke of when he was there with me in January & all the pain I felt. My DW was crying A BIT & I could tell she had some remorse in her attitude -- Something I had not seen in a long, LONG time.
He talked about praying together. Something I had brought up with DW on a couple occasions. She is now open to that idea & we did that this morning (instead of sex).
He spoke about praying for a stronger commitment to our Lord & that would create a stronger commitment to each other. He said it would be time for intimacy with our lord & also with us.
Over all, his words were very comforting & good!
After he left I managed to get a good LB in however! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
He said that my DW had TOLD HIM that she had been tempted & she said no to the person. This was presented as a testament, like a triumph she overcame. She later told me that he had asked the question & she answered – perhaps a break through or stepping stones for her to be more honest?<p>The Pastor went on the say that he has not told her this in private, but that let’s face it, she is an attractive women ( he’s not dumb about my sensitivities!) and that there are a lot of PREDATORS out there that are only interested in them selves & not the honor of a marriage. He lead up to the fact that she was a good salesperson & that she may need to consider a different job & that I needed to develop a better feeling of trust. That no matter where she worked or what she did, there was always going to be potential for temptations. He made an excellent presentaion & I was not offended & It made me feel good about some commitments my DW was kind of making that I had not heard before.<p>Now when I put it in writing I am not without some concerns & do not totally buy into this. For example, the idea that no matter what she did there is always going to be temptation, therefore I should just trust in her. In an extreme example for instance, given her history & sexual appetite, I don’t think it would give me much comfort if she became a stripper for example! Extreme example,I know! He mentioned the possibility of something she had considered before. That was a straight commission sales job, which would require overnight travel. <p>This immediately gave me images of her doing something she says she misses – going out dancing at the bars. And after a couple lonely nights, her sex drive I can imagine would be busting out. Believe me, her method of dance is very seductive & she throws that up in my face, like I’m too controlling if I suggest she tone it down, like this is a real threat to her liberties! Frankly, when she swivels her hips in a grinding, seductive motion that is one thing, but when she throws her arms up over her head while grinding the hips, maybe it’s just me, but it makes me feel very insecure that she’s trying to attract extra attention & a show for others enjoyment as well. ?? We were out with friends not long ago & her & I were dancing & when she put her arms up over her head, & I pulled them back down – she got pissed and stormed off. I am Mr. Prude & Mr. Controlling here I guess??<p>This turning down temptation thing got under my skin a little because I have asked her if she has been tempted & she would get defensive & say she did not want to have that conversation. I had also recently asked her if she ever thought about what to say if & when a guy came onto her & she said no & acted real indignant, like it was ridiculous to suggest a need to do such a thing.<p>After the Pastor left I could not resist asking her about this temptation thing. She said she hesitated to mention it to me because she figured I would get upset. I said no, this is what I talk about in being open & honest & being able to talk about this kind of thing. I said that I think is stupid to think that it won’t come up. I said that with the way she looks, it is almost like a certainty to come up & to suggest that it doesn’t really insults me! <p>She told me about this guy that approached her in the mall as she was leaving the bank & he laid on real heavy compliments, like she was beautiful & stood out in a crowd, Ect. She said that he said he noticed she was married & she replied, Yes, 31 years! She then told him “thanks for the compliment” & turned and walked away.
Now the context was that she was very firm & definite with her message & she said he did not follow her & that she told the people she worked with about the whole – like this was to give me comfort that she was not hiding this --(with them at least!).<p>I asked her if there was any other way she could have handled it -- Now perhaps I'm being picky here. She got very defensive & said she did not want to do this & that this made her want to "flea" -- She said that she is an adult & knows full well how to handle these situations.<p>She said she could have given the guy the finger and told him to Fxxx off. I said that of course is quite confrontational, but don’t you think you could have had a response somewhere between the two.<p>Now I’ll admit, in the back of my mind I am recalling what she told me about her first encounter with the tree guy. He was laying on very strong compliments & suggestions. She told him that she was married for 30 years (at the time). He used that as logic or as a reason to fool around; with lines like haven’t you ever wanted to live out some fantasies & don’t you get bored being with the same guy all that time?!
She said she told him that he should not be talking to a married women that way. He then continued with more advances and in her words, she melted to temptation. She said that she should have asked him to leave. Now in my mind her response to this new guy was not that much different with the exception that she walked away.<p>Now maybe I am dumb about this stuff, but to me, saying you are married as a means to discourage advancements is not real strong. I mean if the guy is this ‘PREDATOR” kind of guy, they know full well that the fact that she is married, in the end, has very little to do with all this!<p>I told her that I understand that she does not want to upset anyone & that she appreciates the attention & the compliments. This is why she dresses the way she does. She has made that a specific point. Now, I have not challenged her about the compliments and the looks from gals vs. guys, but I assume that gals are not going to lay on thick compliments & that the attention from Guys is a lot more meaningful. Do you think I should get that clarified?<p>I went on to say that in my opinion I don’t think it is a healthy attitude if you feel compelled that even when a guy has obviously over stepped some boundaries that you feel compelled to be nice to him?! That you don’t want to be too firm for fear of hurting his feelings?! I said if he is his “predator” kind of guy, that you in a sense gave him a positive reinforcement that you liked his compliments. Although the initial message was no, there was some evidence that if he was aggressive, that the response would detour his intentions, but that if he was really interested he would be back – the predator might be challenged with what I consider a mild rejection. I said that in my opinion, there is nothing wrong that particularly when the guy is a stranger, that you be really firm & make it explicatively clear that you are insulted & upset that he would make these comments and that there is absolutely no way! To thank him for the compliment & then walk away, I’M NOT SURE IS A STRONG MESSAGE OF DECLINATION?! I assume her demeanor was firm and he got the message, but my point with her was that what is wrong if we talk about alternative responses to advances. To be prepared for these, so that the next time you are not caught off guard and your response is perhaps better OR STRONGER TO ELIMINATE ANY & ALL DOUBT!<p>This morning I apologized for my attitude about the guys advances & that I was interested in helping her, not hurting her. We did have a joint prayer.<p>I UNDERSTAND THAT GUYS CAN BE AGGRESSIVE WITH THEIR ADVANCES, BUT I WONDER, IT SEEMS THE PASTOR’S PERCEPTION & MY DW IS THAT THESE THINGS ARE ALL RESULT OF THESE "PREDATORS," & THAT SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OR RESPONSIBILITY OVER THIS & THAT THERE IS NOTHING SHE COULD POSSIBLY DO TO MAKE SUCH ADVANCES LESS LIKELY?! OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHERE I AM GOING. OR, TO GIVE ME ANY REAL ASSURANCES BY THE WAY SHE DRESSES AND THE LIKE, AS AN EXAMPLE, THAT SHE IS NOT IN FACT INTERESTED IN CERTAIN ADVANCES & FLIRTATIOUS KIND OF ATTENTION. IT JUST SEEMS TO ME THAT SHE DOES NOT HAVE A STRONG TRACK RECORD WITH DECLINING SUCH ADVANCES, WHY PRESS THE ISSUE WITH THE SEXY LOOK?! JUST A THOUGHT ... I OF COURSE WILL NOT MAKE ANY DIRECT SUGGESTIONS AS SUCH!<p>I may be getting closer to this abstinence thing? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] We were not intimate Monday Evening, Tuesday AM or Tuesday PM & Wednesday AM. (Our normal routine). This is where I say we were W/O for like three days, which is actually overstated. I was looking for size doubles A batteries. Her small toy was out of batteries & so she told me she got new batteries. In this conversation I ask her about her toy & she says she tried to help herself that (Wednesday, yesterday) morning (before her appointment with Pastor, which I am sure there was no correlation :eek [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] She said it did not really work for her --- dah, is that good or bad. When she mentioned this I told her that I was a little disappointed, that she seems to enjoy this with something rather impersonal, compared to me and that she seems to not be able to go very long without sexual gratification. A little bit later she tried to plead her case that lots of women have these. I said I can understand that, but do they have the kind of activity you have? I asked her if she has friends that would use this everyday as an example. She of course declined comments & she even deflected this by asking what I would say if our daughter had one of these. I told her I did not want to consider that -- this by the way was a friendly, light discussion!<p>When we were talking about the advances of other guys I told her that I hoped she understood that some of my anxieties is the fact that I know how important sex is to her & I wonder if I don’t perform for even a few times in our typical cycle (twice a day!), that this makes her even more receptive to the attention of other guys & then on top of that she does not call very often to let me know her plans. iT MAKES ME FEEL UNSURE AT TIMES. She said she’s been calling. I don’t think so! Perhaps she meant that she called once in last 5 –6 days, yes that would be more, bUt not my idea of real communication about plans and where abouts.
This morning she said I could have the double A battery for her toy. She also politely declined my mild offer to be intimate.
Have I now created a monster, where she is going to try & convince me that she is no longer that interested in sex, while at the same she has this ever increasing desire building up inside?!<p>An issue that the Pastor did not bring up was my sensitivities of my DW’s dress. My DW had mentioned to me that he asked if I still talk to her about her dress & she told HIM that I did not. It is interesting that before he arrived, she changed into a top that was A baggy, lose fitting sweat shirt kind of top.
I should mention that when the Pastor said we need to find ways to communicate on daily basis, our love for each other, that that would go to her side of the responsibility ledger, something she does not do. I don’t know if Pastor was thinking in those terms, that is something she needs to work on more than I. If the future is indicative of past, this part of the formula will not be processed by her! She is not nearly as tolerant of making changes herslf.<p>One last point. In our lively discussion I made references to policy of “Openness & Honesty” She took offense to the use of the word, “openness” – said it irritated her to hear that – like I was over using the term & it made her sick to hear it! Can you think of good substitute word?<p>At least we got some things out in the open didn’t we?<p>Love & Prayers!<p>HH