SIL makes contact after 1 year ... need advice

Today I received a card from my fav SIL (we'll call her "C"). None of the SILs have contacted me in the last year. They were our only family and all 3 of them live here. They've been my only family for 20+ years. I had confided everything to this SIL regarding XH's A, she is also my H's fav sister, they're very close.It's quite a coincidence because I sent her an email 2 days ago but it bounced back (old email addy). So she never received it.Here's what she said:**************************************************
Dear Joanne,I Miss You!Been hard to handle not talking to you.So .. I wish you all good things in life.Love and God Bless,CLets Talk Soon!And she leaves me her new email addy.
**************************************************So ... the reason I had emailed her was to ask her to talk to my XH and ask him to please leave me alone. And since she never received that email, I'm wondering if I should send an email asking for her help with continued contact from XH.Like I mentioned, he and she are very close. She has a HUGE influence on him, she's the one that told XH to tell OW to STOP harassing me and that it was wrong that he condoned such abusive behavior by virtue of being with OW.What do you guys think .. email her about it, or not? And if not, should I email her at all. It would be so hard for us NOT to discuss XH and OW. Just being honest. And I don't want to make her uncomfortable.Thanks for your help everyone. Love you guys ....Jo[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Hi Jo,You know me, I would respond. While she is his sister and you must always remember that, she appears to be adult enough to know how to separate the 2 relationships. From what you said before nothing has been done to harm the relationship between the 2 of you so she is inviting you and as long as you are comfortable with it, go for it! After all, you did send her the first e-mail right? Maybe she was afraid to break the ice and now that you did she wants to reciprocate?!??!? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Happy thoughts here!L.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Orchid:
Hi Jo,You know me, I would respond. While she is his sister and you must always remember that, she appears to be adult enough to know how to separate the 2 relationships. From what you said before nothing has been done to harm the relationship between the 2 of you so she is inviting you and as long as you are comfortable with it, go for it! After all, you did send her the first e-mail right? Maybe she was afraid to break the ice and now that you did she wants to reciprocate?!??!? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Happy thoughts here!L.<hr></blockquote>Hi Orchid!No, no, no .. SHE NEVER RECEIVED my email. The addy I used was invalid/old. Bounced back. Total coincidence she sent this card.So, ya think I should email her and ask her for help with XH continuing to contact me, O?Jo[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Hi Jo,I vote for contacting her. After all, she was a best friend for decades. You also know that she is missing you. But, I don't think YOU should be the one to bring up your XH or ask for help. Let her be the one to bring things up. I know she will. Then, once she has opened the subject, you can get into asking for help. I'm glad for you that you could be resuming a comfortable relationship with her.Good luck,
Estes

JO, I would email her and reestablish relationship... wait a while before bringing up H at all... wait and see if she mentions him... just so the two of you can be closer... Do you just want your EX out of your life for good? Does he contact you, and what about? Do you have kids? i am a lot newer than you... and have major problems with my actual actions with my spouse... but hope I can see your situation with an outside view... or at least help you some... I appreciate your replies to me... and I did see your pics... yours and your H's- sad but you looked like a good couple...
YOu may want to slap me for hearing me say that... hope not, I know you had to love him once... the guitar players are the wild ones, aren't they... my H plays guitar and so did his adulterous dad... is it like the guitar gives them license to cheat? Or just makes the women swoon more? My oldest son thinks guitar players suc, and doesn't want to be one... due to the irresponsible behavior he sees dad exhibit... he says he would rather be a doctor or something like that... instead of guitar player mentality... sad, but my H's sons make me miss him... He even wrote me an I miss you song since her left... but now is back on the Divorce track .... Luck and Hugs to you. HONEY [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Jo, I must of been posting same time as estes, see we both had same thought.. let sil bring him up first and slowly bring your thoughts into converstaion as appropriate... do not go right into contact asking for her to talk to him... that could hurt your new opportunity for close ties with her...lisa

Ooohhh.....well same thought. Even more reason to see her. Maybe even better! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] You have my vote. Luv,
L.

Thank you Estes and Honey,I guess maybe I'll just send her a light email to say "Hola" and thank her for the card. Altho, I also believe because I won't allow XH contact, he may have asked her to see how I am, I can just hear him "I'm worried about Joanne, she won't let me talk to her or anything". Ughhhhh!Honey,My XH is the ultimate cakeman. First, he leaves me for OW and then HE DIVORCES ME! and here's the good part .... he wants to be with OW yet continues to contact me and tell me he loves me and misses me. Talking about hurtful and confusing. And "yes" I still love him, but he's too destructive and shows no signs of changing. It's so hard to meet a musician's EN of admiration, I'm only one person.Ohhh, and your feelings regarding musicians/guitar players ... well you're right on the money. We have a few musician's wives here on the board. Very challenging to say the least.I thought my H was different and broke that stereo typical bad boy mold ... what a dissapointment. Even our musician friends feel he has really made a mess of his and my life with his thoughtless acts. 2 OCs, 2 OW!!!!Sorry ... got off on a vent tangent. Anywhoooo, thank you for helping me.Love,
Jop.s. Estes, will you adopt me??? LMAO! You always have the best advice and are so caring. I don't know how you're able to help so many people here, you respond on so many threads. Thank God we have you here.

Jo,I'd be happy to adopt you. Our own daughter really is adopted, and we had emotionally adopted my DIL and her sister. Sigh.While I'm off for Christmas break (two weeks!), I thought I'd make myself available. Otherwise, I'm reading, cleaning house, and worrying about my son. My computer chair and my reading chair are one and the same, so the computer is always handy.Let us know about the visit.
Mom Estes[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: Estes49 ]

Estes, will you adopt me, too? (G)Resilient,My vote goes to re-establishing the friendship and allowing your former SIL to bring up your ex on her own. I concur that to do it right away might not be the best way to go about things right now. It sounds as though she really does care about you and wants to keep you as a friend.Plus, who knows - you might get the dish on the OW! (Not that you want it but ... heh-heh!)belld

Sure, the more the merrier, belld, besides, you seem like a fellow animal-lover.Me: 2 cats, 5 dogs, 3 parrots, 7 cockatiels [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Estes

Estes ....WHAT? No horses?

No horses even though I'm Texas born and bred! I always liked them and rode friends' horses but we never had any of our own. My farm-raised dad grew up associating horses with hard work and never saw any glamour in them. We always went to stock shows and rodeos, though. Oh, some horse races, too. Do you have horses?Estes

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Estes49:
No horses even though I'm Texas born and bred! I always liked them and rode friends' horses but we never had any of our own. My farm-raised dad grew up associating horses with hard work and never saw any glamour in them. We always went to stock shows and rodeos, though. Oh, some horse races, too. Do you have horses?Estes<hr></blockquote>Nope, I don't own any right now. There's an English Barn a mile from my home and I go there and exercise friends horses. BUT ... I may end up leasing a horse. They're so dang expensive, and leasing is an alternative many people now use as opposed to an out right purchase.I LOVE HORSES! They're just so soulful. Jo

Resilient, Glad to hear you ahve a new friend, your sil... or new old friend.. it is nice to know she still cares.. I would get the dish, but let her give it... unless you are just too done with it... SOMetimes. I think these bad boy guitar players.. learned guitar just to attract women to make them feel better about themselves.. sad, but true... I wonder what love songs of mine, he played for the OW???HONEY.

Livestock is big here in West Texas. There was recently an auction of wild mustangs at the coliseum. The Dept of the Interior has it each year. The unbroken mustangs usually go for $125 upwards to $700-$800 for the special ones.Well, I have 30 more pages to finish this scary
novel. Guess, I'll finish it then turn in. School breaks are the only time I have to read. So many books, so little time. 'night,
Estes

Hi Jo, I think it's wonderful that your SIL attempted contact with you. However, I think that your communication with her should be limited to anything BUT XH unless she brings it up. My thinking is that, because it was such a good friendship, the focus should be re-establishing YOUR relationship with the SIL, you know what I mean? I envision you replying with something simple like "I've missed you too. I hope you're doing well. It would be great to see you or hear from you. I look forward to it."Jo, just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. Affairs break up more than one relationship which makes it doubly painful. Hugs

Hi Terrified ...Thanks for your input. I will do that, I'll keep it ever so light in my response to her.I hurt so bad this Christmas knowing they all were here in the Harbor and celebrating Christmas eve with OW there in my place. Every hour I imagined what they were doing, it use to be like clock work ... snack a bit, catch up with everybody and their kids while some of us are in the kitchen cooking, I always peeled all the potatoes (have 4 nephews who are strictly meat and potatoes guys ... they're so handsome too), then we pick who plays Santa and open presents. I really had a hard time this year thinking OW was peeling my potatoes, felt so insignificant and disposed of, like no one even noticed. But with help from friends here I made it thru it.Now, hearing from her makes me think they didn't just forget about me. It made me feel better about stuff. Lora and I were talking today and she said she had a SIL that was replaced by infidelity and she really never heard from her again. Lora said she never really thought how very very hard that must have been for her until Lora experienced this herself. And I agree, until you've experienced this, you just couldn't know how devistating it is.Terrified, how are you doing? How was your Christmas? You seem a bit stronger.Love,
Jo[ December 26, 2001: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Jo, I really hope that one day, the love you so deserve comes your way. You have so much to give. Maybe XH just didn't feel he was good enough for you?Despite some of my H's actions and comments, Christmas was very nice. The reason I may sound stronger is that I've been seeing my H more through the holidays and it seems as if we're still really a "couple" (although he continues to remind me that of the pending "tell people" time whenever that comes).

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Terrified:
Jo, I really hope that one day, the love you so deserve comes your way. You have so much to give. Maybe XH just didn't feel he was good enough for you?Despite some of my H's actions and comments, Christmas was very nice. The reason I may sound stronger is that I've been seeing my H more through the holidays and it seems as if we're still really a "couple" (although he continues to remind me that of the pending "tell people" time whenever that comes).<hr></blockquote>You two are still keeping the separation under wraps? So does anyone know?Jo

Hey Jo ~ I wouldn't even mention it to the SIL.IMHO - Enjoy the renewed friendship if thats what it turns into, and leave the painful stuff where it belongs...in the past.Instead of involving xSIL with your X, invest in Caller ID. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Don't make someone else insist that X respect your boundaries....YOU respect them instead![ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by BrambleRose:
Instead of involving xSIL with your X, invest in Caller ID. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Don't make someone else insist that X respect your boundaries....YOU respect them instead![ December 27, 2001: Message edited by: BrambleRose ]<hr></blockquote>Thanks Rosey ...Do have caller ID. And XH is blocked on every conceivable avenue of contact, or so I thought. This last instance, XH got sneaky and sent stuff in snail mail. Also, I have just recently learned he is again driving by my home.Jo

hmm....start documenting?You may need a restraining order if this escalates...

Hey Jo, Family, one neighbour and one best friend are the only ones that know. The rest of the world is uninformed. H says January is the month of going "public".

Hi Jo,I would definitely contact your SIL. These relationships are really important and it is so hard to lose everyone. I would keep it light too tho....eventually it may come up...but, for now I wouldn't mention it.I think the hardest part about the break up of a marriage is losing "the family". My BIL and MIL called on Christmas morning. They have been supporting my H and it has really hurt me. They told me they loved me and to remember all the wonderful holidays we had. My MIL also told me to move on and get over this so that healing can take place. Pretty sad for me to hear. Have to run...take care Pat

UGH!
I don't know, Jo, I just had the strangest, weirdest thought while reading everyone's recommendations. I tended to agree with Terrified, and ALSO wondering if her brother put her up to contacting you?Have you ever heard the saying blood is thicker than water? IF they are so close, or should I say SINCE they are so close, what if HE put her up to it? What if HE is using his sister to find out about you and what you are thinking and what is going on and what if he talked his sister into reestablishing contact with you to try to get you to talk to him?????Do you have a restraining order in place? I mean, if you really want to be rid of the guy, there is a way! You still love 'em, don't you?*sigh* I'm sorry to disagree with so many but it sounded to me as if you have doubts anyways. Did you contact her??? Please tell us what you did!

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
UGH!
I don't know, Jo, I just had the strangest, weirdest thought while reading everyone's recommendations. I tended to agree with Terrified, and ALSO wondering if her brother put her up to contacting you?Have you ever heard the saying blood is thicker than water? IF they are so close, or should I say SINCE they are so close, what if HE put her up to it? What if HE is using his sister to find out about you and what you are thinking and what is going on and what if he talked his sister into reestablishing contact with you to try to get you to talk to him?????Do you have a restraining order in place? I mean, if you really want to be rid of the guy, there is a way! You still love 'em, don't you?*sigh* I'm sorry to disagree with so many but it sounded to me as if you have doubts anyways. Did you contact her??? Please tell us what you did!<hr></blockquote>Nope, haven't contacted her yet. But I'm about to.I do still love my XH but, he would need to end it with OW for me to even talk to him and I do mean just TALK. He knows this. I can't allow myself to be pulled back into that craziness. OW is very unstable, no telling what she would do, she somewhat scares me. Thanks for being so interested BTDT. How was your Christmas?Jo

Whoa, is he sniffing around again? What's going on there? I've kind of been under a rock these past few months, so how about an update?Also, let me give you my e-mail addy (just in case, since we're sorta neighbors [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) agarrett@anvilcorp.comI'm with everybody on continuing the relationship with the SIL, but only bring XH up if she does. You don't want it to seem like you're contacting her just to talk about XH.Also, are you going to the MB weekend in April in Seattle?Ali

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Resilient:
Nope, haven't contacted her yet. But I'm about to.
<hr></blockquote>What happened, anything worth mentioning? It's okay if you don't feel like discussing it, but just curious... Did her conversation seem genuine or do you think she was put up to it by your ex? <blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Resilient:

I do still love my XH but, he would need to end it with OW for me to even talk to him and I do mean just TALK. He knows this. I can't allow myself to be pulled back into that craziness. OW is very unstable, no telling what she would do, she somewhat scares me.
<hr></blockquote>I don't blame you and if you did reconcile, you would never be rid of either OW, esp. if your exH is maintaining contact with the OCs. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] It is a tangled web, indeed...
<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by Resilient:

Thanks for being so interested BTDT. How was your Christmas?
<hr></blockquote>OF COURSE I'm interested! Your screenname says it all. You are amazing and after I saw your photo on zorweb's thread, I thought to myself that your exH must be CRAZY!!!!!! Either crazy or BLIND!?! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Anyways, thanks for the reply, still interested in your SIL's intentions cuz I'm sorta suspicious seeing how your ex has been unable to cut the strings between you & himself. (I think he still loves you too, but has created such a huge complicated mess and has to live with it... OCs can't just fade away like a bad memory or a terrible mistake.) My Christmas vacation is going great, thanks for asking. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Nice being home and getting 7-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep like normal people. I'm getting spoiled. Do you realize I have not needed to use earplugs or my eyemask to sleep in an entire week!?! WOW! *sigh*Next Tuesday it will be back to the night shift and living the life of a "vampire" as my colleages call me... [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] As quiet as it's kept, Jo, you will not have any trouble finding another good man--if that is what you want--someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Someone who can give you the quality of love that you are putting out in return. Someone who will love you the way God intended for you to be loved. The ball is in your court! That's the way I see it from where I'm sitting...Your ex knows this. He blew it, bigtime. He lost you and he can't accept knowing that you are this close (*snap*) to moving on with your life. Now I could be wrong, but he probably knows you still love him and his ego won't let him set you free to be with another man. I can totally picture him crying on his sister's shoulder about how he can't get you to talk to him, how he still loves you, and if SHE could please talk to you and convince you that he is truly sorry...I say this because it sounds like something my own brother would ask of me... "Please talk to her, BtDt, she'll listen to YOUUUUUU... Tell her I'm sorry and I would do anything to get her back..."[ December 29, 2001: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]

Jo, Driving by?!?!?!?!? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] You didn't tell me that before! Well, I still say talk to her. But I will certainly respect your decision. Hugz,
L.ps: Thanks for the pep talk last night. I got the same 'loving' kick in the pants from the rest of the gang.... LOL!

^bumping^ for an update...

You're so thoughtful, BTDT. Thank you for again thinking of me.Welp, I haven't responded to my SIL's card. Something in me is keeping me from doing it. Is it pride? Or maybe I'm trying to punish them for not being there when I needed them the last year?You know, when I decided I would never allow my H contact of me, there were three reasons. First, because I couldn't emotionally handle the hurt of his betrayal and on-going contact would remind me, and second because OW is an unstable person and lastly it is a way of punishing my H .... to just disappear, never to be heard from again and no way for him to know anything about me (no common friends anymore). If I contact my SIL, she'll surely share basic info with my XH that is none of his damn business anymore. He doesn't need to know that I'm well and I'm doing better, he has no longer any right to know ANYTHING about me. Is this wrong? Are my reasons for not responding to her wrong? Please be brutally honest, I can take it guys.Lv,
Jo

HI Jo, I have been divorced once before from a shorter marriage and had sil friend.. who I am no longer friends with.. neither of us tried to keep the friendship. I do think that was best. My MIL who is divorced from my FIL who was/is an adulterous musican lawyer in GA... is still friends with his sister, her ex SIL... well, she recently told me that even after 15 yrs of friendship... after the big D... the ex SIL is now wanting to do things and has for some time with the NEW WIFE... I know this is hard to bear, and I am not trying to be mean... your Relationship may be different-- as an outside observer to this happening to my dear sweet MIL who I love... I think it is terribly hurtful to her... it was not her fault her adulterous husband ruined their family and marrigae... and the sister in law saw that in the beginning and watnted to keep the friendship... as the yrs have changed us all... and the brother of that SIL grew up a little and went through 2 more marriages... now in the 2nd... first he married the OW... He is now married to a nicer woman than the OW, even I have to admit... the SIL of course responds to the new wife wanting a friendship between the new wife and her the sil...... well my poor dear sweet mil, and also the mother of the children.. btw.. new wives had no kids.. no the wild musician hubby could get spoiled and not have to worry with kids.. in his new lifestyle... anyway the ex-wife... was recently told 15 yrs after divorce... by sil that Sil would rather do things with her brother and his new wife, with her and her H, since they are both COUPLES< and it is fun to do stuff as COUPLES> Well, the ex -wife has remained single and had to deal with yrs of hardship due to what that sorry sob did when he ran off with the OW he even had in their own marriage bed, and who danced around nude in the family home for the maid to see while the mom and kids were out of town... MEN...I doubt that the SIL would intentionally hurt you... but realize she has been close to brother all her life... despite their real relationship.. her loyalties may lie with brother.I am not trying to be cold, and I know it sounds cold... I guess I am in a really honest mood these last few days... honestly looking at peoples actions and how they have hurt me in my family. I know I did some hurting too... but hey it wasn't worth the OW and breaking up a happy home... at least what I thought was a happy home..?? MY FIL turns agaisnt me every time my H does something crzy to me... and alot of it is because of his alcoholism... which makes my life crzier... and i know if you were in music scene.. you would at least of been exposed to the partying I have seen.Hugs to you sweetie... I know it is hard... I am here too. I can tell you are strong, and I appreciate your support of me through these hard times.OH- My opinions in no way based on harley method etc... just my humble opinion, hope it helps. DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU....
HONEY

NO WAY! I don't think you are wrong to follow your heart. If you don't have peace about it, then to me, that means don't. You'll know when/if it is right.There was a reason why your first note got kicked back to you. The coincident of her contacting you could have a spiritual connotation, but not everything spiritual is necessarily from God!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I think the hesitation you have is there protecting you from further pain.I have heard it said that we can forgive with the door closed. In other words, you don't have to keep allowing someone to hurt you once you realize the patterns of abuse. I don't see your reaction as punishment. I see it as protection. You are the best one to recognize what you are dealing with.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
NO WAY! I don't think you are wrong to follow your heart. If you don't have peace about it, then to me, that means don't. You'll know when/if it is right.There was a reason why your first note got kicked back to you. The coincident of her contacting you could have a spiritual connotation, but not everything spiritual is necessarily from God!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I think the hesitation you have is there protecting you from further pain.I have heard it said that we can forgive with the door closed. In other words, you don't have to keep allowing someone to hurt you once you realize the patterns of abuse. I don't see your reaction as punishment. I see it as protection. You are the best one to recognize what you are dealing with.<hr></blockquote>BTDT,I know! That was so so weird to get that email bounced back at me and THEN receive her card two days later. I KNOW someone else is at work here, but the question is ..... WHO is it??? Is it God or the devil?Can you tell me how to tell the difference, does praying help us know?Lv,
Jo[ January 04, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Well I hate to beat you over the head with scripture ( [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] kidding), but since you asked... "wisdom's paths are peaceful," and "reverential fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom." So based on that, if you felt peaceful, then there wouldn't be a problem with any of this. Since you didn't, you had some doubts, then it seems to me, that is the red flag.Sometimes it's not all the devil/evil, etc... But when God's timing is not right, we won't have His peace either. When it's just our will (not HIS will), we can get ahead of God too. It's not always the devil whose to blame for our problems! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

JO,I have no answer. Don't kown if I even have ideas.I am in contact with my STBX in laws but I have kids. MIL & I have always been close, she feels she hurt her relationship with my STBX her son by trying to make him see the light. Now I know regardless of how she feels she will accept OW in her home. I don't know how I will deal with it buy hey they still sent me Christmas presents. Of course I done them gifts for thier birthdays.Just do what makes you happy. go ride one of those horses for me. I need to escape a few demons now.2002 will be better for us.