The anatomy of my affair-very long - Marriage Builders® Forums

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I have been reading here for a few months now. I am a former WW. I thought purging my soul here may help some of you betrayed spouses. Sorry this is very long.My H and I were friends for 2 years before we began dating and that was for a year before we married. I thought this was a solid base to start a marriage. I loved him then and I still love him today. I even think I loved him at the very height of my affair but I was so lonely, so starved for attention, so in need of validation of his love for me. He couldn't or wouldn't give it to me. We made love only when he was in the mood and that wasn't often. You see he too had a mistress only she wasn't made of flesh but of wood and glass and electronics and her name was TV. He worshipped his mistress and I felt shunned. Nothing was more important than him being with her as often as possible. He stayed awake until 3 or 4 a.m. spending time with this mistress. I couldn't compete no matter what I did.Then something happened that forever changed my life. I bought a computer and I discovered chat. So while the kids were in bed and my husband was with his "mistress" I now had something to occupy my time. I met many interesting people both men and women, I also met some real weirdos and creeps and then I met Richard. What a nice guy he was. We chit chatted about things. He was in Oregon and I was in Pennsylvania. He was 27 divorced father of a son and I was 36 with 2 daughters. We became fast friends and soon I found myself looking forward to his emails and meeting him in chat. It no longer mattered that my husband didn't pay attention to me, after all I had this sweet special man who cared about me and actually wanted to spend time getting to know me.Soon we exchanged pictures and I found him as good looking as he was nice and he told me something my husband hadn't said in years. He told me I was beautiful. I soon found myself needing to "be with" him. We exchanged phone numbers and we began talking on the phone. I still can't believe that i carried on this internet/phone affair right under my husband's nose and he was so wrapped up in his mistress TV that he never even noticed. Soon the phone calls, the emails,and the chat weren't enough. We needed to be together. We made plans to meet in Cancun, Mexico. I told my husband that I was going with some of my female friends. Looking back I don't remember feeling one minute of guilt. I don't remember feeling bad for lying to my husband, after all he didn't want to be with me. There was my Richard. The feeling I had was unimaginable. God how I loved this man. I couldn't get enough of him. We couldn't stop touching each other, kissing each other, making love. I had found my soulmate and there was no turning back. After 14 glorious days in the sun and in his arms, it was time to head home. We made plans to be together and nothing would keep us apart.I remember stepping off the plane and seeing my husband there with flowers in his hands, flowers for me. When was the last time he had given me flowers? I sure didn't remember. He hugged me and said how much he missed me and I just smiled and said I was jet lagged. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep on the way home from the airport. I didn't want to talk to him. I wanted to bask in the memories of Richard and plan my escape from this man sitting next to me.I walked through the door of our house and went straight to the computer. I needed to see if Richard had emailed me and of course he had. I called him and we talked for 3 hours. He told me I needed to come to him and to do it soon. I still feel that pit in my stomach when I told him my husband would never allow me to take my daughters across the country and that I thought he would come to me. We pushed that aside and pretended it was all going to be ok. It wasn't ok. He couldn't leave and neither could I. The ending was long and oh so painful. I couldn't leave my children and Richard couldn't leave his son. We tried to pretend it would be ok but it wouldn't, it couldn't. Each day when my kids left for school, I cried until I was sick. I lost 26 of my 140 pounds. I couldn't eat or sleep. My husband thought I was having a nervous breakdown and I suppose he was right. I don't remember much of that time. It all seems like a dream now. I took antidepressants and I coped as best I could. I did all the mommy things and I held on to life by a thread.It's been 4 years since my affair ended. I don't know if my husband knows or if he ever suspected. I think he must have, how could he not have. But he's never asked and I've never offered the information. Nothing's changed he still has his "mistress" and I still have a hole in my heart. Why do I stay? Because I keep hoping he'll wake up and see that he almost lost me and he still might.The moral to this story is that mistresses come in many shapes and forms. Some aren't even human. If you recognize yourself here go buy those flowers,kiss your spouse and tell them how much you love them, give them time, give them attention, give them love because if you don't there's always someone on the sidelines who will.Peace - J.

J-C,What a sad and tragic story. It is sad for the obvious reasons. It is tragic because you are waiting for your H to fix something he doesn't know is broken. It is unlikely he will.I think you need to do some reading. First, I would start with His Needs Her Needs by Harley, then Surviving an Affair also by Harley. Others will recommend other books.My recommendation to you is to start to talk with your H about how you feel concerning the marriage. Be honest with him, and tell him what you need and what you miss. Find out if he wants to be married to you. You know how to do that? You ask him.One of the basic tenants of this site is that to heal a marriage it takes "radical honesty". Please read about Plan a and Plan B. They don't directly apply to you now, but the concepts of addressing your issues, meeting needs and no LB's is very important to your marriage.I am going to say something to you that you won't believe but I suspect is true. Your H loves you far more than you realize. THe problem is he isn't showing you that love in a way that you recognize it and need it. He won't know unless you tell him. I don't mean nag him, I mean TELL him.There is no reason for you to go through life with a marriage like the one you have now. There are ways to improve it. Interestingly, one of the ways is to confess your affair to your H.Probably, not until you have talked about the marriage for awhile. If you are uncomfortable with talking (most are and need to learn how to) then write it down for him in a letter. Perhaps if he isn't very verbal send him an email and start the dialogue that way.J-C, there are ways to fix this. But, you need to see your role in it. My bet his attempts such as the flowers have not met with much enthusiasm from you, so he goes back to what he is comfortable with since he doesn't know that you have done to him what he did to you. He substituted a TV and you substituted a computer. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] Further, you went off and had an affair. So look at this situation from both sides and realize that you have been as bad at communicating as H has. Also realize that you are probably severely misjudging his love for you.Hope something I said helps.God Bless,JL

J.I would like to welcome you to MB, sounds like you might have been lurking here for a while. I think that there might be a reason that you have been lurking, You are at Marriage Builders, and I hear you saying that that is what you want to do, to build on your marriage.I do hope your H wakes up before it is too late for your marriage. But perhaps he needs a kick in the pants!!! Myself I would look at the cable having some problems. Ha! ha!There is lots of good info out here on this site and others too, that will share how to put some pizzaz back into your marriage, and give your H that kick in the pants. Try Divorcebusting.com, Michele has some good ideas on how to avoid divorce and put things back together.Thank you so much for your post, I do hope that you got as much out of typing it as I did reading it!!Again Welcom to MB!! Look for a post from redhat as he has a number of links in his signature, that will direct you on the MB site. Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I am a BS and I expected to read this and walk away feeling pissed off and sickened. Instead all I feel is pity. Don't misunderstand me. I think your affair was wrong. Did you ever talk to your H about this? Did you tell him how lonely you were? I guess what I'm looking for is a need to know what brought you to this point. I hope things work out for you and if you want to save your marriage you've come to the right place. Good luck

Hi JC,I have a million questions, but none at all, and a billion pieces of advice, and none at all... I was in your shoes, with a few differences, and a COMPLETELY different outcome.I came here, to MarriageBuilders, as you have: a WS (wayward spouse). My 18 year marriage was in deep trouble, and I knew it needed some major help. I had already told my (then)H about the affair by the time I got here. I would first encourage you to listen to JL. The man has a soft spot in his heart for WS's, although he's never been in an affair situation. He, and others, took me under their wing (nearly three years ago) and helped me to see the truth of my situation.I am of the "Total Honesty" camp. I'm on the side that says, TELL YOUR HUSBAND THE TRUTH. I know it will hurt, be embarrassing, be humiliating -- and it will also be cleansing, take the romanticism out of the affair, and give your H a clean slate with which to work on his marriage. Four years have passed and you are back where you were before. You are (if it's possible) more ripe for an affair now than you ever were before. And your H has no idea his life is about to explode. Further, you have no idea if the next "Richard" will be a nice guy, a creep, carry an STD, or will be the "love of your life."I hope that you used protection, got tested for STD's, and have worked through all this in therapy or with a spiritual counselor. JC, I have also been on the other side, as my (now)ex-H was a cheater several times over. It hurts like nothing else to know that the person you promised to cherish, as they did you, has been unfaithful. But you do live through it... and your H will live through it... but he can't begin to heal what he doesn't know is broken. Please tell him.Finally, although your story is very sad, and it is, I hear mostly a woman who has not yet realized that she had a CHOICE in the matter. Yes, it was unfair of your H to choose TV (or any other "mistress") over you. But the TV is NOT another woman, or pornography, or drug/alcohol or abuse... it is wrong, he was wrong, but it is NOT the same as infidelity or the other things I've listed, which certainly can and do end marriages.I wish you peace, and I appreciate the message you are trying to send with your story. Make the story have an ending that gives you and your H a sense of integrity and closure - tell him the truth and begin to heal your marriage.

...but I was so lonely, so starved for attention, so in need of validation of his love for me. He couldn't or wouldn't give it to me. We made love only when he was in the mood and that wasn't often... I couldn't compete no matter what I did.What were some of the things that you tried to make him aware of your needs?It's been 4 years since my affair ended. I don't know if my husband knows or if he ever suspected. I think he must have, how could he not have. But he's never asked and I've never offered the information. Nothing's changed he still has his "mistress" and I still have a hole in my heart. Why do I stay? Because I keep hoping he'll wake up and see that he almost lost me and he still might.I don't beleive that a man that knows that his wife had an A would go back to watching t.v. as though nothing happened.Unfortunately the only way your H is going to wake up is with the rude awakening of the truth about your A. I can almost guarantee that after you tell him, the last thing he'll want to do is to go back and watch t.v.Did your relationship with OM start with nothing more than 'hoping'? No it did not. You, unintentionally, found him by actively seeking other people out to aleviate your loneliness from your H's neglect of you.You are never going to have the husband you want by simply 'hoping he wakes up'. You have to DO the things MB'ers do to make it so.Furthermore YOU may get a rude awakening yourself if your husband decides one day to have A of his own. And if your don't beleive your H capable of having an A, then ask yourself this question, did you ever beleive yourself capable of an EA? Of course not. A lot of WS become BS themselves because they never beleived that their SO was capable of infidelity.The moral to this story is that mistresses come in many shapes and forms. Some aren't even human. If you recognize yourself here go buy those flowers,kiss your spouse and tell them how much you love them, give them time, give them attention, give them love because if you don't there's always someone on the sidelines who will.
Peace - J.Another moral of this story is that 'hoping' things will change for the better without making the efforts to acomplish them, will only bring back the status quo and the very real possibility of another A for you or a new one for your H.Good luck and God bless.Joe[ February 05, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ][ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]

Just a couple of thoughts.If you tell your H, you may want to get the advice of a counselor either here or where you live so that you can plan what to say and be ready for his response.Your H may also be feeling similar things and is masking or hiding his feelings in the escape of the t.v.There are lots of books out there like How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together (I think by Susan Page) - there is a post a little futher down where someone was asking about books and inside is a link on a reply by NSR that lead you to some more book suggestions.You also may want to read some Women are From Venus/ Men are from Mars types of books or go to www.divorcebusting.com and get some suggestions there too. It espouses Harley's principles.It's great that you have decided to work on your marriage before completely giving up. I think the anger from alot of BS's - well at least me - is that our WS's left without doing anything to work on the marriage - not even letting us know that something was wrong - and if they did, they were already too involved in the A to really try or to properly receive the changes the BS's were making.That's why everyone encourages you to say something to your H, then he can at least say that he knew something was wrong, and he chose not to do anything about it - or maybe he will choose to do something about it.Good Luck. K

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Your H may also be feeling similar things and is masking or hiding his feelings in the escape of the t.v.<hr></blockquote>Giic makes a very good point here and I just want to add that men are much more susceptible to denial than women. Beign a man, I know from my own personal experience with my xW and from talking with other men who brush off the possibility of their wives being unfaithful to them. But women, in general, SEEM to accept more readily the possibility that their men may be having an EA and are thus less likely than men to deny themselves the truth.But I beleive that once your H finds out the truth of your A, the t.v. will be of little use in him trying to escape reality. In fact, he might even hate the t.v. and blame it as the cause of the A (just like you are doing).You can not just lay the responsability of fixing your marriage solely on your H's shoulders. Both of you are equally responsable for implementing the principles that can save it. I sure wish I knew about MB back when I was still married. It may have prevented my subsequent divorce.Joe[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]

Good morning. I'm going to address some issues that I glazed over in my post. First I wasn't clear about how I dealt with my H and his lack of interest in me. I am a talker. I talked to him about it, well I should say I tried to talk to him. The words came out of my mouth but they weren't heard because he was involved in his TV mistress. I wrote him letters. I handed them to him, mailed them to him at his office, put them with the bills. He may have glanced at them but he never read them. He worked 5 12 hour days a week. I would tell him I was planning a weekend get away for the 2 of us and he would reply that it is unfair to the kids for us to leave them. I spent my weekends at amusement parks, water parks, drive in movies, swimming pools, fairs, carnivals, all things that he liked and that pleased our children. I begged him to go away with me, a vacation alone - Mexico, the Bahamas, Jamaica. My mother offered to watch the kids but he said it's not fair to the them. So I spent my vacations in Myrtle Beach, Ocean City, NJ, Ocean City Md. I planned romantic evenings. The kids slept at a friends or at their grandparents. My H came home to dinner served by candle light and me in something wickedly sexy and he said let's eat in the livingroom, there's a show on I want to see.The last Christmas before my affair, after Santa had come, we were getting ready for bed. I dressed in a sexy red nighty and told him I was his present and I wanted him to unwrap me and play with me. I still remember his words. He said, "you're being foolish go to sleep the kids will be up early". I cried myself to sleep that night and felt like such a fool.I went to counseling, I read all the books, I tried and I tried and I tried and through it all he watched his precious TV. My one "rule" that I held firm to and still do is no tv in the bedroom. It didn't matter. He just stayed up and watched in the livingroom or the family room. Last night/this morning he came to bed at 4:38 a.m. That is typical. That is the norm.After my affair had ended and I had my breakdown and I quietly resumed the shell of my life, we attended a friend's wedding with children in tow. I looked smashing and everyone told me so, everyone except my H. When we got home and the kids were in bed, he told me I looked nice and he told me he wanted to make love. I remember his words and I remember thinking that he must know about the affair. I said I love you and he replied "you better mean it, you better not hurt me again". It felt like a new start and I thought things would be different. I was wrong. I still spend my nights alone online or reading a book. I still spend my weekends in arcades or amusement parks. I still spend my vacations playing mini golf or building sand castles. I no longer plan romantic dinners which I know will be eaten in front of the TV. But I still try to tell him what I need, what I want, what I feel is missing. And as always he still says "can you wait for a commercial to come on".I feel the need to say that I am an attractive woman. I am 40 but I don't look my age. I work out to stay in shape. I dress nicely and I receive compliments often but never from my H. I recently went from dark brown hair to a pretty shade of dark blonde and my H never noticed. It almost makes me laugh but instead I cry.I won't have another affair. This time I'll see a lawyer first and file for a divorce. I want more, I need more. I know of no other ways to let him in on my needs. I can read every book on the market but he won't. They might interfere with his TV shows. Thus another day in the life.

If that is really the case, I'd talk to a cousnelor - maybe one here at MB, or divorcebusting - they use some more proactive tactics, and then maybe even let your H know you will file for divorce if he doesn't change.He may just need a wakeup call. But I'd run it by the professionals first. K

J-C,
I have been married for 15 years. Until about 3 years ago, I had no clue how close I was to losing everything I cared about. Namely, my wife and my marriage. It took a strong wake-up call in the form of something similar to what you did (but not as extensive) in order for me to start putting my priorities straight. I made (or at least tried to make) a drastic change. I became more attentive, more appreciative, more interested, all because I thought I might lose what was most dear to me. If I hadn't discovered what was going on, I probably would now be divorced, bitter and lonely. It was my wake up call. It forced me to re-examine my priorities and to realize that being married is hard work. Taking the marriage for granted is not conducive to staying together for ever. Maybe your husband needs such a wake-up call. If you wait until it's too late and you are ready to divorce, then you have done a grave disservice to your husband and your children. Obviously you have tried, with letters, talking, etc. But have you just been so blunt to say to him that if things don't change, you will find someone else? If you've tried that and he still hasn't changed, maybe knowing that there is someone else who does find you attractive and who does want to love you will do it....Maybe or maybe not...But at least then if you decide to leave, you will know you did EVERYTHING you could. I sympathize with you. You obviously are hurting and did what you had to do to feel good about yourself. But unless it leads to a better, stronger more fulfilling marriage, then it was all for nothing.Good luck...if you would like to speak with someone who was in your husband's shoes not too long ago, feel free to email me at westsideofindy@yahoo.com.

J-C,
I would agree with what ALL the other posts would say. I especially agree with what God in Contril says in that you should "fess up" to the A to give your H a strong clue as to how you see your marriage. I do believe you need a game plan and maybe a counselor can supply some help. Your H may suspect you had an A but he may not KNOW you did. In any event all the advice here is very good and more importantly you don't deserve to live in a situation like that. My wife used to complain that I didn't show her enough of the things you talk about only my mistress was work. I ended up the one who had the A. Get busy so things can get better one way or the other!
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Thank you all and I do see a counselor. I will bring this to his attention and see what he thinks of the idea of confessing. As an aside, I have asked, begged and pleaded with my H to see a marriage counselor with me and he won't. Also, prior to my affair, I did tell him that I need physical love and I need to feel wanted and needed and appreciated. He smiled and went back to the TV. I told him that I would find another man if he didn't want me and he has seen other men come on to me when we are out. Also, I am not the only one put on hold for the TV. He chooses it over our kids, over his family and he's been late for work because of this obsession. Don't think I haven't considered taking a baseball bat to every TV in our home. It sounds funny but I am totally serious. Another woman I could compete with but how does one compete with a TV?

J-C I apologized if my comments sounded harsh but your first post left out a lot of important details that on the surface you looked like many WS that instead of trying to let their spouses know what they want from them to make their marriages happy, they decide to jump into an A as soon as another third party gives them what their spouses are not giving them.The last Christmas before my affair, after Santa had come, we were getting ready for bed. I dressed in a sexy red nighty and told him I was his present and I wanted him to unwrap me and play with me. I still remember his words. He said, "you're being foolish go to sleep the kids will be up early". I cried myself to sleep that night and felt like such a fool.As an aside, I have asked, begged and pleaded with my H to see a marriage counselor with me and he won't. Also, prior to my affair, I did tell him that I need physical love and I need to feel wanted and needed and appreciated. He smiled and went back to the TV. I told him that I would find another man if he didn't want me and he has seen other men come on to me when we are out. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR H?.IS HE GAY? BECAUSE NO NORMAL STRAIGHT MAN WOULD REJECT A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN'S ADVANCES [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] IF I WERE HIM, I'D CONSIDERED MYSELF THE LUCKIEST FOOL ON THE PLANET [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Sorry for those unseemly outbursts, you see I just finished working the graveyard shift and I am tired, cranky, and am losing coherent thought fast. But having lived in a loveless marriage myself for 12 years before filing for the divorce, I feel like a cruel joke of cosmic proportions is at work with people like you and me.I would advise that you seek out on the MB counselors to devise a plan on how to save your marriage (if that is still possible and you want to save it).God bless.Joe[ February 06, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]

Hi JC, You know, people sometimes feel like us BS don't care about these kinds of things happening in the WS life. Nothing could be further from the truth. I agree with a lot of the things everyone else has said to you. I would take it a step further. Print out this thread and hand it to him. Tell him this is the last wake up call he deserves. He either gets his act together and gets into MC with you or he will end up alone. Then follow through. Leave for a few days, or weeks. If you have family close, try to stay with them. Take the kids with you. Let him see and live the single life for awhile. Don't just tell him he is about to lose you. Show him it is true. Whatever you do, DON'T have another affair jd

" The WS and BS are on a canoe trip heading towards a waterfall. The BS is in the back stearing the canoe the WS is in the front looking out for things. The WS says to the BS "Do you here that soft romantic trickling up ahead" Instead the BS should say "We are heading into a waterfall and we both will parish if we don't get this canoe turned around" [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

J-C,I will say one thing to you based on all you have said. Your H has all of the symptoms of a man that is clinically depressed and has been for a very long time. If you are accurately protraying both sides of this, then I don't think this is about you at all.I think if you decide to push the issue, what you need to push is that he see a physician and be checked out for severe depression. His priorities about family seem right, but the lack of sleep, the watching TV, the lack of interest in things going on around him, and the apparent lack of care about his job all point to a medical problem.Please sit down and think about this. If my guess is correct you can send all the letters you want, you can dress as sexy as you want, you can talk all you want, he is shut down because of the depression and you will get little response from him.There have been more than a few posters here who have lost or almost lost their marriages because of severe depression lasting for years. They finally get help and want to do all the things you want your H to do, but their spouse has already shut down.So before you completely shut down, get your H some serious help.God Bless,JL

WOW I’m sorry to hear about your situation. My 2 cents would be that your husband is just as unhappy as you are. He might seem like he doesn’t need the closeness but I guarantee you he does , we all do. I agree with what somebody said before ( sorry I’m writing this off line). You have a choice. Either sit there and wallow and blame him for your misery, work on your marriage, or separate or divorce. I am the BS but I sympathize with your situation. I don’t want to come off too judgmental or harsh I know that all our situations are different. You’ve got 2 possible scenarios your dealing with.: #1. Either he will wake up and put your marriage back together or #2 He will never wake up. How and when you come to that conclusion is something only you can answer. I Think the reason that this post touches a nerve in me is that it sounds like my parents marriage was. I grew up seeing my moms needs totally ignored , I saw a lot of unhappiness, I saw my mom just give up the person and the woman that she was, their marriage was horrible To say my dad was out of touch with his feelings is an understatement. He had a mistress too it was called alcohol.It took me being blown out of the water to wake up. People can change even the hard cases like your husband ( even my dad turned his life toward the end)If you read some of the posts you’ll see that this happens to a lot of people. If what your saying is accurate about him totally ignoring what you have said he probably doesn’t take you seriously. I can’t believe he acknowledged the affair and shrugged it off. When I found out about my wifes affair I was crushed. It sounds like there’s some major denial going on.Why do you feel that you have to just sit there and take it?Happiness, love, how you live your life is your choice. Either you sit there passively and watch it pass you by or you do something about it. It sounds to me like he needs a serious wake up call not a half hearted attempt but an ultimatum that you plan to follow through with. If you decide to do this and you back down you have no one to blame but yourself, The fault will be yours you know the facts.Please listen to the advice of the people on these boards there is a lot of wisdom and compassion around hereI wish you success

Thanks for all of the advice. I have an appt with my counselor tomorrow and I will run this all by him.Just Learning I have considered depression. I have even told my husband that I believe this is his problem. I approached it with our family doctor and they both just blew it off as a female thing. I can't "make" him deal with something he won't face.White Dove I'm not sure how your analogy pertains to me, if you'd like to explain please.jdmac1 thanks for telling me that BS do care about Ws here. I feel like I'm a burden on all of you who have been hurt so bad. There won't be another affair. If things don't change thought, there will be a divorce. As much as that's not what I want, I also can't continue to live this way.brw you say your wife complained. Just so that you know, I never complained. I discussed and I asked. I was never confrontational but I was also quite clear on what the problem was.justanotherjoe your post made me smile.I have asked myself if he is gay too [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Believe me, I almost rather he were than to live with his ennui.boomer thanks for your offer and I just may take you up on it. I'm glad you realized what you needed to do before it was too late.God is in Control thanks for the book title and the link. I will check them out. new_beginning my point was that a "mistress" can be in any form. Gambling, alcohol, drugs, pornography and yes even a TV. It's all the same in the heart of the person left wanting. I suppose I should have said that I had Richard investigated before meeting him. I was careful and yes we used protection.TinyDancer yes, yes and yes. I talked myself blue. I never wanted to have an affair and in fact I despise cheaters, yes I do despise myself for this. What brought me to the point was the total lack of affection and attention from my husband. I tried, believe me I tried.daybreak another post that made me smile. I DID "forget" to pay the cable bill lol, It didn't matter he popped in a few of his several hundred movies and paid the bill first thing the next day.Peace J.

41 and learning I'm glad you understand about how there can be a different kind of mistress. I'm sorry that you had to experience it first hand with your parents. The funny thing about us is that everyone thinks we are the perfect couple, even our families and even our children. We don't argue and we don't fight. I am really content with my life other than the relationship with my H. Everyone jokes about my H's TV obsession. It used to be funny to me too and I sure never thought it would be the catalyst that pushed me out the door. Thanks for sharing your story with me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

J-C:Your story is so sad, and so familiar. Like Boomer, my W and I went through similar problems. My obsession was work. And after a long day at work, I was emotionally drained and had nothing left for my W or C. I think I was pretty lazy too, and I felt I didn't need to make an effort. Almost 13 years later, I had a "wake up call". Nothing dramatic, I just decided to take inventory of my life and realized how much I had isolated the very things most precious to me. For the past 10 months or so I have been working hard at bringing my W back from her emotional withdrawl. I wish I had figured things out way earlier...As for advice, I agree with the others. Come clean with your H. Hopefully, he too will pick up his life and return to his family. In any event, I think you need to take a "stand" for you and your daughters' sake, as hard as it might be. Is there any way that as a family, maybe even with friends, you can do an "intervention" and make your H realize he has an addiction and seek counseling?God, why is it that we let these addictions consume or lives - work, computer games, alcohol, t.v. Why do we keep seeing relationships destroyed over and over again? Argh!!I wish you all the best for your family - its worth the struggle. Keep strong.

I remember an old Barry White song (you can tell how old I am when I remember an old song) in which part of the song said "..it took me the rest of my life to found you and it's going to take me the rest of my life to keep you". How very brutally true those words are when it comes to relationships like marriage, aren't they?Joe.

I've got a solution for you--videotape yourself having sex with another guy and set the timer on the VCR so it runs during his favorite show...

I can identify with a whole lot that you are saying, J-C, except that my husband ended up being the WS instead of me.However, he's the one that was preoccupied with his dumb computer several years ago. It was his life--all it was was chat on the internet and all the cool little tricks he could get his computer to do. This is what he did to relax outside of work. This is ALL he did outside of work, and I was so sick of it.I did all the stuff you did--trying to seduce my husband. All it did was break my heart. We were living in Hawaii at the time. I would say "Hey, let's go whale-watching at Laie this morning." And he would say "Why would I want to do that? Boring." I would say "Let's go to Haliewe Cafe for breakfast." And he would say "That's an old shore shack--they should be shut down for hygiene problems." I would say "I really really want to see this movie, let's go." He would say "I don't trust anybody to babysit, and we can't take a toddler to the movies." And then he would turn back to his computer. I couldn't compete, I couldn't come between him and his precious computer!! I was so danged lonely!!!!!!!Instead of having an affair, however, I left. My husband had turned down a career opportunity of a lifetime,--a commission in the military--came home from OCS, and sat down in front of his computer. He chatted with people day and night. I was angry. We fought. He said "Oh, you are just pissed at me because you wanted to sit home and use me as a mealticket." That was probably the most horrible thing that he had ever said to me--even all the B-words and F-words that he had used on me in our frequent arguements did not hurt as much.So I left. Instead of having an affair (I had learned my lesson from my first marriage) I just left. I re-upped in the army and went to a new duty station. I did this for a multitude of reasons: I wanted to prove to him that I loved him no matter what his job, that I would be the one to work; I wasn't using him as a mealticket. I needed to work because he was so wrapped up in his hobby, someone had to work. But most of all, I left because I wanted to scare him. I wanted to show him that I was serious about not wanting to compete with his stupid little hobby. It really made me mad. I also left because I was so hurt by his cruel words and was blinded to the consequences.I left thinking that as soon as he finished up his tour of duty in Hawaii in a few months, he would catch up to me, lesson learned, and everything would be cool.Know what he did? As soon as I left, he reapplied for his commission, received it, then continued his little hobby of chatting unhindered, without my complaining, because I was in WA state while he was in officer's school. Then he met another woman in a chatroom. He felt it was his right to move on, because I had "abandoned him." He told his girlfriend that I left him because he wasn't the great money-maker that I wanted him to be, so I had just taken the kid and dumped him. According to him, he was the total victim in this.Thus began his affair. It ended only because he didn't want to lose the kid, plus the fact that he is still on the road in the military and had to leave his sweetheart behind. (He begged me to take a chapter from the army, this required that I get out of the army so that I could go with him--a huge sacrifice) It has been four years, and we are still recovering from it. I would say that we are just now getting on the road to recovery, now because in addition to chat, he also got involved in a new preoccupation--internet porn. More and nakeder women for your dime, I guess.Like you, J-C, I feel so cheated. If he had paid me some attention, given me maybe ten minutes of undivided attention a day, shown me a little affection once in a while, had a heart-to-heart talk with me here and there, made love to me when I felt like it, not just when he felt like it. . .well, none of this would have happened.What makes me so angry is the fact that he gave his nasty girlfriend the only thing that I have ever asked of him--his affection. He called her pet names. He made an whole-hearted effort to spend time with her. He took her places. He TALKED to her!!!!Now, my husband is trying to change--but he is not getting it, no matter how much breath I waste trying to tell him. He thinks that getting out his wallet and spending a butt-load of money on things that I don't need will satisfy my "craving for attention." He thinks that taking me out bar-hopping, so that I can sit and watch him smoke and call all his friends on his cell-phone will qualify as "taking me places."I know he is trying. He doesn't chat anymore, but the career that he didn't want in the first place is a huge a priority to him now. He comes home late at night, demands a list of "what did I get done today" and then falls asleep on the couch with a book.The other day, my little son stayed over at a friend's house. I thought "Great! A chance to get romantic!" My husband said "You want to go anywhere?" And I said "No, it's pretty late. We can just hang out here" So, he read a book, glued his eyeballs onto the tv, played a computer game for a little while, then got into bed. He rolled over and faced the wall. I was upset. But I didn't want to start a fight, so I said nothing.The next morning, he returned to his PC game. I came in wearing just my silk kimono and said "Come on, let's get it going." He said "Naw, I'm going to the gym. Thanks for staying up all night cleaning the house. Looks great." (He was being earnest in his praise, but it was a slap in the face--I had nothing better to do all night than scrub the bathrooms!)He says that I started that fight. He's right, I did. I started fussing about his girlfriend, what was so great about her that he piled all this attention onto her. This escalated into a huge shouting match, about how I am fixated on the past and how I am the instigater, and if I am so unhappy, I should just pack my bags and go home to Idaho. Lovely way to spend a day that we had to ourselves--fighting.J-C, this is a common problem, being lonely in your marriage because your husband is "distracted." I don't blame you for having a fling. If I hadn't screwed up my first marriage, I probably would have resorted to this, too. It hurts to be sooooo lonely in your marriage, and you are made to feel like a b**ch for continually addressing the problem to unhearing ears. I know so well.You need to tell your husband the truth--and go to counseling. He should know how lonely you are. Chances are, deep inside, he is wildly in love with you, he just doesn't "know it." You are a comfortable place to him, like a pillow. You are there when he needs you. You are the mother of his kids, the keeper of his house. You fulfill your roll. That's good enough for him. He doesn't feel that he should look any further, because he's happy.You have to show him that you need something from him--talking is what you have done in the past, to no avail. You really need counseling. And you have to be honest with him about your past.Stick with us, please. Your marriage has a chance.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>Originally posted by J-C:

new_beginning my point was that a "mistress" can be in any form. Gambling, alcohol, drugs, pornography and yes even a TV. It's all the same in the heart of the person left wanting. I suppose I should have said that I had Richard investigated before meeting him. I was careful and yes we used protection.
<hr></blockquote>I understood your point, believe me. Perhaps I should not be here, because in my mind, there is no "good enough" reason for an affair -- and remember, I HAD ONE... and my ex-H had MANY before me and after mine, so I had a "good reason" too... just not GOOD ENOUGH, because NO REASON is good enough.The fact that you had Richard investigated only adds to my thoughts that you really THOUGHT about what you were doing. I was so out of my mind during my affair that I took very dangerous and stupid chances... This is NOT a flame. I hear that your H is emotionally distant. However, how can he begin to work on something that he doesn't realize is broken? **THAT** was my point.I will back out from this thread now, as I can see that you have built a good support network here... and we all need to be surrounded by people who understand and can offer supportive advice. I feel that you would only see my suggestions as "not understanding"...I wish you peace and healing for your marriage.

<blockquote>quote:<hr>I begged him to go away with me, a vacation alone - Mexico, the Bahamas, Jamaica. My mother offered to watch the kids but he said it's not fair to the them. So I spent my vacations in Myrtle Beach, Ocean City, NJ, Ocean City Md. <hr></blockquote>Hi JCLet me start off by saying, that I am the WS. Not only once, but several times. Somethings just don't add up. Your paragraph I quoted. How did you manage to take 2 weeks away from your husband and kids? When you have to do all the kid vacations? Anyway, sorry I had to say that. Also, I would have to say that if you think your husband knows, he just isn't saying so, that is fog. There is no way. Maybe I'm just jaded, I don't know, there are a lot of crashers lately, and the writing style, looks like someone from the Gloryb.You see, I could very easily tell myself that my husband had a mistress, however his was the computer and not the tv. But, that would be a lie. When he found out, the computer was the last thing he wanted to look at. I didn't know how to communicate my needs to him, because frankly, he didn't know what they were. I didn't do the things you did, but like JL said, maybe your husband is depressed, I myself can't understand watching tv till 430 in the morning, I can never find anything good on!But, the bottom line is this, that if he doesn't know its broke, he can't fix it. Why now, four years later are you talking about this?Just curious.PJ

PlainJane I'm kind of stumped here.I sense you are calling me a liar and I don't understand why. What is the issue with my taking a vacation alone? It's not like I abandoned my kids and my husband. My mother took care of the kids while H was at work and he took care of them the rest of the time. My H gets 4 weeks vacation and in the summer we almost always do things with the kids on Sunday's.I also don't understand the words you used about fog, gate crashers and the gloryb. Fog, if I understand correctly. is the WS viewing things as though through a fog. But gate crashing? Does that mean I shouldn't have posted here? I thought it was an open forum type of thing. If I crossed a line I did so without knowing, What is the gloryb? I looked at mostly everything on this site and I didn't find this in the acronyms.you said "But, the bottom line is this, that if he doesn't know its broke, he can't fix it" but how could he not know when I've told him over and over and over again?And as to why after 4 years I'm talking about this, that answer is very simple and you can find it in my first post on this thread. I thought I could show others how these things start. I have no hidden agenda. I am just one more lost soul in this game called life. I hope I answered your questions and if this is a private board please just tell me and I'll back out quietly.Peace J

Sorry if I doubted you, you are more than welcome here, just like anyone else. I guess that your post kinda got me upset in the fact that we all here know how affairs start, and the fog in which I speak of is this:When I was first caught in my affair, I tried all the justifying in the world. He doesn't pay any attention to me, if only he would notice me, he doesn't love me, he doesn't talk to me, he is on the computer too much, blah blah blah. The reality was that I didn't love me. I didn't respect me. I was looking for any excuse for my behaviour. So, if I did sound bitter, again, my apologies, and the glorb, is a place that OW and OM post their stories. 
PJ

JC-I read your original post shortly after you wrote it, and I wanted terribly to reply right then, but I just couldn't quite put to words what was going on inside my head and my heart. Now, several days later, and after reading most of the replies, the time is right and clarity is coming to me.First, let me give you a little of our background (I'll try to be brief, though it's hard sometimes). Four years ago, I became involved in an EA. It was intense, but lasted only around 3 months or so. I can remember having many of the feelings and discussions about leaving our spouses and being together, and all of that. I had pretty much shut myself off to my wife, and didn't want much to do with her.....but finally, I decided that what I was doing was just plain wrong and I wanted to see if I could make my marriage work. As such, I didn't tell my wife about my affair.To this point, you and I walked the same path. Now, I'm going to flip sides on you.Over the next four years, out of guilt, shame, a feeling that I was protecting my wife (who I now loved again deeply) from harm, I never told her about my affair. This affected me profoundly. I began to shut down lines of communication, if a topic came too close to home, or could possibly lead to a confession, I swore it off the topics list. Eventually (for the last year), I fell into a form of clinical depression (and this part will probably sound familiar to you). I just stopped caring about ANYTHING (that includes recreational activities, friends and family, household duties, SEX, my lovely wife, SEX! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ). I would come home from work, go to the office, and spend about five or six hours in front of the computer (doing bills, playing games, aimlessly surfing the internet). I neglected my wife terribly!Through the last year (and more), she would try to let me know. She'd ask if I was maybe depressed and maybe I should see someone. I would reply that I'm just down and I'll come out of it. She would "nag" me about doing my part of the marital duties, I would get pissed and ignore her. Finally, she got fed up with it and started doing things for HER (and rightfully so). Problem is, she found someone else to meet her needs, and fell in love. Shortly afterwards, I began to find my way out of the pit, but she was no longer there to help. I began to see that something wasn't quite right with "US", and began to ask her if she was happy.... she lied and said yes.Finally, clarity hit me, and I flat out asked her if she was having an affair. She finally admitted it, told me she was done, and wanted a divorce IMMEDIATELY. Well, that issue is still pending and we haven't taken that step yet. But, BOY was that ever the wakeup call that I needed. I began to look at myself, and didn't like who I'd become. I came clean about MY affair, I got help for my depression, I began to engage in the activities that once made me happy....and I now AM happy (well, except for the state of my marriage).
Through all of this introspection, there's one thing that I wish my wife had done/said to help me figure it out. Maybe it's a guy thing and we're just all incredibly dense or something, maybe we just need you gals to be brutally blunt with us once in a while. I want to know if you've done this yet, if not, PLEASE consider it....I truly believe that it would have made a difference with me, and not been as devastating as an affair.I wish my wife would have used the D word with me. I wish she would have sat me down (with the TV off), looked me in the eye, and told me that she was unhappy, that I was causing that unhappiness, and that unless I got help and began to work on the marriage, she was going to DIVORCE me. That ONE WORD ALONE might have made the difference. Maybe not, but now we'll never know.You see, JC, you, your husband, my wife, and I have much in common. We've played a variety of similar roles.Like everyone else here, I STRONGLY urge you to speak to your husband in a language that he can understand (sort of like Coca Cola!). Please tell him that you're unhappy, and have been. Tell him that your unhappiness led you to an affair, and, even though that affair was wrong and has been over for some time, if things don't make a DRASTIC improvement, you're going to file for DIVORCE.Good luck, and God bless,
Kev

Hi- similar story if this will help some. speaking as WW IN A now.
I love my kids, I have great affection for H but I always felt some repulsion on personal/sexual level. We worked on this many years. Why married?
Seemed so good on paper, v nice guy, dependable.
15 years forced myself to have relations, always felt I was violating a part of myself. Pregnant very soon after marriage, couldn't bear to break it for their sake.
Then fell for neighbour over 10 years ago. Didn't let on. Last two years friendly, superficial joking e mail contact- still didn't let on. I thought he'd guessed but he hadn't.
Then his wife kicked him out, totally opposite wavelengths, escalated misunderstandings. (I heard story from both sides)
My e mail friendship deepened, I couldn't stand the emotional strain, and in despair, (sure now that he must have guessed) I mentioned my feelings and said we should drop contact.
Then he became VERY interested in me. He wanted my help and I couldn't bring myself to tell him to shove off. A few weeks we danced around on e mail till he invited me over 'to talk'. I knew something would happen.
This was nearly four months ago, I see him about once a week, sometimes more.
Part of me has wanted to quit, terrified teenagers would discover us, but OM seems to need me and won't let go of me, I'm much more emotionally attached now and my mood plummets whenever I seriously consider backing out. I give him every easy door to let me go, but he doesn't. I need HIM. I don't need sex so much as HIM. He gives me everything my husband can't. I've never adored a man this much, and I've fallen in love before.
Husband is supportive, and we are actually good platonic friends and laugh about the whole thing- he found me this site and has been doing reading, but all the repulsive factors still there.
OM may leave country, it's been a plan for months, always 'immanent'. We always said- soon he'll be gone and I can get start getting over him- we never guessed he'd postpone it so long, he's been making real preparations for that trip. I think after this I'll be celibate for the rest of my life.
I would be with him but I have to stick with my kids and he has legal problems.
It's clear this hurts me MORE than it hurts BH, I'm much more stressed and emotionally variable.
I feel very very vulnerable and trying to 'be there' for everybody.

Birdinacage,
can you tell me ,what there is to laugh about?
I can't seem to find the humor in your post.
Are you for real?

Jc, I AM VERY sorry for your situation... I think your H needs help and is addicted to tv.. he obviously works hard, and just veg's out... I am so sorry... Do you work, maybe there needs to be more balance, is he overloaded.. do you attend church.. lots of people show love in the wrong ways... or not in the way you need.. HE loves you, do not throw this man out.. he obviously showed you love at one time... How old are the kids, that is a big stressor, sounds like he is family man... see if he will go to counseling, if he won't - you go... there is also a good site out there.. restore marriage.com I think.. search on google... I am sorry about your situation.. try GOd.. he may have the answer... Love your husband... you promised to... he will come around.. he may need help.I am sorry, please do not give up. Remember your marriage covenant, your children and this man who loves you. Give and you will recieve. Hugs, HONEY

You can seperate... saw this advice.. that could be the wakeup call.. not antoher affair, or even a divorce.. sometimes seperation can be very good. hugs, honey

I followed your post today to this one and how sad this story is and how strangely it parallels my own life to a degree. My H is also addicted to the TV and I hate it. He can watch anything from sports to cartoons - anything as long as the TV is on. It's been a problem almost since the beginning of our marriage and I hate it.Now the odd part - I wasn't the one who had an affair- it was him. I guess I wasn't meeting his need to be left alone for hours on end to watch his precious TV. I wish you luck J-C. I know there battle you have fought and I can sympathize with you. I'm sorry for your pain and I hope you find some peace in this crazy mixed up world