Can't stop doing it... - Marriage Builders® Forums

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This is my first and possibly only post to this website. I must warn that after reading this post, most women will think I am the cruelest person to walk the earth. I am not writing this letter to be judged, but to be understood. I need to understand what’s wrong with me if in fact, there is anything wrong with me.I have been married to my wife for 2 years now. We have had our shares of ups and downs, but for the most part, we have a happy marriage. I have always been a playboy and my wife new this about me when we met. She was swept of her feet by my charm as many before her.
It has never been unusual for me to fool around behind a girlfriend’s back. I never saw anything wrong with it if nobody got hurt. The fooling around was always casual and I never got attached or left a girlfriend for another woman after an affair.My wife who was only my girlfriend at the time was not excluded from this. During the time we dated before we got married, I had at least 3 affairs. When I made the decision to marry her, it was after long consideration. I wondered if I could commit myself to her completely and stop the fooling around. After all, I did and still do love her more than anything in the world, surely I could do this.To nobody’s surprise, marriage changed nothing. Sure, I played the role of the good husband for about 6 months, until opportunity came knocking. The profession I am in puts me in constant contact with young attractive women. I have never been able to resist myself, and nothing has changed. Since we married only 2 years ago, I have had at least 6 casual flings with other women. Some last a few weeks, some last the one night. I even had a brief affair with a woman while my wife was pregnant for our only child. I don’t feel addicted in any way, and I find it gets easier each time. I can face my wife with a straight face without the slightest feeling of guilt.I recently took a work trip that put me in the Bahamas for 2 weeks. I ‘hooked up’ with 2 different women down there and even bragged to some good friends about it when I got back. This is a trend that I feel is not over. I can’t see myself stopping this. And for all of this, I still love my wife and want to stay together. Since coming back from my trip, I have been giving some thought to leaving my wife. Not because I want to be with other women, but because I know it’s only a matter of time before I get caught. This would completely devastate her. She has of course suspected me in the past and confronted me about coming in really late or not knowing where I had been. This is especially true since coming back from my trip. I always play it down and tell her she is being ridiculous and that I would never do that. Ha.I don’t feel it’s fair to her to continue like this. I don’t think I will ever change. I am looking for advice on this, not criticism. I would be interested to know if anyone has the same problem.

Well, I wish my WH was on this website because he had a similar pattern before we got married (which I only knew about one of those occurrences and I also found out later that I was, in fact, an OW because he had a long time long distance girlfriend when he met me -- didn't know about this until we were married) and has lapsed back into an intense A with a co-worker. I can't give you much advice except to say you need to go see some kind of therapist. I don't say that lightly -- it took a LONG time for my H to see that he needed to do this to examine why he was in this pattern. His therapist says that it has something to do with needing constant validation from others and being unhappy with who you are/seeking happiness from lots of sources rather than examining what you need to make yourself happy. I don't know you well enough to know if this is the case with you, but you will never know what's "driving" you to do this unless you get some professional assistance to help you think this through. I am glad you found this site. Being a newly aware BS, I can tell you that your wife would be absolutely devastated and degraded and depressed when she finds out (and it's not a question of IF she finds out, it's when).

Well, I agree with unsureheart. I am the WS. Although committing the sin, is one act, there is an underlying reason why you do this. I will tell you who I am. I am scared. I am afraid. I am a good person. I am a caring person. But what caused me to do this was not about my H and what he did. It was about me being afraid of something....myself. When the A happened, it was not scarey, I was not afraid. It was safe and warm. If you do not take the journey to find yourself and the reason why you do it, I believe it will continue. Since finding this site and reading posts until 2 in the morning, I have chose to do some soul searching. At first it was light self reflection, and now it is deep. It is so incredibly exhausting but you come out of it thinking "WOW..." Don't be afraid of what you discover. You need to accept it, if you WANT.
A website that I found great for me was www.selfcreation.com Maybe it will interest you; maybe not. One thing that I am sure that you have already thought about is what your wife might say when she finds out. She might want to leave you; she might chose to stay with you. Either way, you need end this... again.. if you want.Something else to think about......
I have found that some people are very open and honest on this website, they do give you a "cyberkick-in-the-pants" if they feel you need it.... are you willing to hear that? If not, then why not? Maybe that is something that you don't ever like to hear....ie. when you are wrong.. just a thought. Because on the flip side to these people, they are here to hear you and to help you.... and let me tell you, they will all help you the best they can, if you WANT help. I have been here since Jan 2002, and I have had my butt kicked... and then one day, I realized exactly wha this poster had told me was true. But I had to learn it for myself.... in my own time.. so please open up..... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... and welcome.

Well, of course marriage didn't change anything! You have complete control of yourself. You CAN be faithful to your wife if you really truly WANT to be. What do you WANT? Don't kid yourself, you are completely accountable for your actions and no strange force is driving you to do these things.
Okay, I'm gonna be tough here: "Time to grow up"

You are right. It is not fair to continue to do this to your W.Your W has a right to know to whom she is married and that her life with you is not what she thought it was. She probably already knows on some level and basic common human decency requires that you be open and honest with her as you should have been all along. You've stolen all her dignity and all her choices.She did not choose the lifestyle you have forced her to live. Palming it off on her that she "knew" you were a "playboy" is cowardly as I'm sure you are aware. She is not responsible for who you are, and she did not choose to be victimized by you.If this is the lifestyle you want to live, then fine. You are entitled to it. You are not, however, entitled to force it on someone else without their knowledge or consent. While you got to CHOOSE to have sex with all those "young attractive women", you FORCED your W to have sex with them. Just like you, she has a right to choose her sexual partner{s}.If you don't want to be monogamous, then you shouldn't be married to someone who is expecting or assuming monogamy. Give your W the same choices you give yourself.

…re: I never saw anything wrong with it if nobody got hurt.This is often used by a WS to excuse their behavior. There is a fallacy here. Your wife is being hurt by your infidelity even if she does not know of it overtly.What the above quote really means that it not wrong as long as I’m not caught. I you were really worried about hurting your wife, you would not be doing this. No, you are not concerned about her, you are concerned about what you can grab in life. To you, it does not matter who you hurt. Not your wife and not your child.You are hurting her by making her feel insecure about her own sanity. She suspects, this means she is feeling hurt and insecure. She if finding things that do not add up. I call these things the poltergeists in a BS’s life. She feels them. She knows they are real. You tell her she is imagining it. This makes her feel crazy.You are hurting her by exposing her to STD’s. The women you are sleeping with are obviously very loose. They probably sleep with many men. Do you even use protection? From what I’ve heard, most philanderers don’t. It’s part of their denial or reality. If you do use protection, it’s not worth much. What we call ‘protected sex’ is not really protected. There is no safe sex. Condoms hardly protect at all. You are forcefully exposing your wife to STDs. If I were your wife, and you exposed me to an STD, especially an incurable one. I would press criminal charges against you. You are hurting her because you are spending time with other women that rightfully should be spent with your wife and your daughter. You are hurting her because by lying to her, you are stealing years of her life to be in a marriage with a man she does not know.And in the end, she will find out. Infidelity seldom goes undetected. At that point it will hurt her more then you can imagine. You do not deserve a faithful, loving wife in your present mindset. Why not just tell her who you really are and set her free.

Many men are raised to feel that being a 'playboy' makes them more of a man.. so many women want them you know. But that's not what it's about.There must be an incredible feeling of inadequacy to need that much attention, that much proof that you are desirable. Here is a thread that might help you get some insight into what you are doing.

What sort of expressions did you use on your wedding day...what did they mean? Did you mean them? Do you still?I'd also be thinking about your daughter. Could you handle telling her what you do and still feel respected? Do you think it might affect the way she sees and relates to men in the future?I agree, its up to you what you want to do with your body, but when you joined in marriage, you gave yourself solely to your wife...youve taken yourself back, without even asking mind you. She will be hurt, but youve got to sort this out now. I'm not condemning you, but i think youve got to think about your daughter and your wife. its not going to be easy for you, but at least owe them that much. Please post back and tell us how you feel after reading these comments and tell us what YOU want.Dancer

Forgot to add...You ARE an addict, you said it yourself...you cant stop doing it. Do smokers like smoking? Usually.Dancer [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

I can see that everyone here feels very strongly about the statements I have made. Given the limited information I have offered here, you have all made some strong judgments about me. By saying that my wife new I was a playboy when she met me, does not mean I think she new what she was getting into. I was just saying that I met and courted her in a manner that is typical of a guy on the prowl. Even in the early stages of our relationship, I openly flirted with other women in front of her. This did not seem inappropriate to me, nor did she seem bothered by it at the time. I am only pointing out that my personality always came through. There was no misdirection. This does not mean she is in any way to blame. I simply found it relevant to my story.I am quite well aware of all the possible implications of what I do. I did not write the post to be reminded of them. I was hoping from a fresh perspective on this, not the guilt trip some of you are trying to put me on.Don't pretend to understand me, you don't know me. I would prefer to hear from someone who has been in this situation from either side and managed to change things.

…re: I am looking for advice on this, not criticism. I would be interested to know if anyone has the same problem. You asked a rather general question on an open forum. You got input. It may not be to your liking, but you got what you requested. And yes you got some criticism. The people here do not hold back their feeling; they are real and to the point. Most of them are hurting terribly. So you will catch some of the edge of their hurt and anger. So you will get some responses like that. If you find them too hard to deal with, then just ignore them. On an open forum anyone can say anything they want as long as it’s within the forum rules. No one crossed the line.…re: I would prefer to hear from someone who has been in this situation from either side and managed to change things. Well, many of the people who responded to you have been in the same situation from one side or the other. Some, like my current H and I, have managed to change things. In my previous marriage things did not change so I dumped him. It was he only reasonable solution that I could see. Like you said, it was not fair for him to expect me to continue in that type of relationship.The underlying point is you have to listen to hear.
…re: Don't pretend to understand me, you don't know me. The same goes for all of the posters here. Many of the people here have been on one side or the other of a situation like yours. You just wrote their insight and comments off.If you are only open to one type of input, then please state it up front so that people don't waste their time responding to you.Now that we know what you want, maybe someone will tell you what you want to hear.

I think you got some good responses and good advice. I just don't buy the "I can't help it" attitude - because of course you can - if you want to. What do you want?

You know Wires, as you have said, your W will find out, but she'll find out regardless if you stop now or not. Don't doubt this.I know you won't take this advice, yet, I have to say it. You need to tell her about your "ADDICTION".As you have said, you're thinking of leaving your wife because of the devistation she will feel. Well isn't that nice, you get to make decisions for yourself, unlike her, who has no idea this is going on. Due to your secrecy she can't make any decisions based on truth. She is living a lie and doesn't know it, and you are controlling that lie and her. That's what lies are, they're a way of controlling someone, manipulating them. The person being lied to is basing their daily and LIFE decisions on what you tell them, or don't tell them in this case. If you love her, don't you want the best for her, don't you care for her and trust her enough to make her own decisions based on the truth? And then there's the STD thing. Ughhhhh! I'm sure you knew someone would bring this up. What would you do if you gave your wife a fatal STD? You are taking chances with her life. I'm sure you'll tell us you're using condoms or you get checked regularly. But there are silent STDs out there and those are the more lethal ones.I hope you're thinking about what we've said, I hope and pray you'll begin to understand that what you're doing has contaminating implications beyond what you've probably considered. God Bless,
Jo

Ok, I am being a little harsh. After all, I am the one who came here for help. I admit that I am completely blinded by my obsession with other women. Do I do this to validate myself or feel like more of a man? I don't know, I never thought of it like that. I just love the excitement of the whole thing when it's happening and forget about everything else. I know I have to do something before it blows up in my face. I want to do what's right, I just don't know what that is.

Just wondering, wires4u, what has caused you to have no respect for other people and to lack the ability to bond emotionally to a woman in a healthy way.I think you owe yourself, your W, and your baby some serious introspection. You need to understand why you use women. You need to understand why you created a child knowing that you will not provide him/her with a safe emotional environment in which to grow up. You need to understand why you cannot bond emotionally to other people. Your actions are immature and selfish. You disrespect your OW, your W, and most horrific of all, your innocent child. I suspect that people who know you do not respect your behavior, and I'll bet that you do not have much respect for yourself either. You say you do not think you will ever change. You asked for advice. If you want to, you can change. You are not helpless. Call a psychological counselor first thing in the morning. Begin regular therapy. You can change if you are willing to do the work. Find out what is causing you to choose this emotionally distructive and physically risky lifestyle. Otherwise you are going to end up one terribly lonely man. If you are willing to change, enlist your W as your support in this effort. Once you acknowledge to yourself and to her that you are in serious need of help, maybe she will help you in your effort. Maybe together the two of you can save your family. I hope you can for the three of you. You can change if you want to!BTW, wired4u, how old are you? Keep posting here and let us follow your progress. If you stay in your M and work on understanding your choices, you will find support here.Hoping for a good future for your family,
Estes

Being the wife of a husband that habitually cheats, I truly wish that I could understand you but I don't. You've been married such a short time and have had "flings" as you put it way too many times if you truly loved your wife. You have to look at "why" you decided to get married. Did you love her? Because if you did I don't believe you do anymore. It gets easier each time because you don't get caught. If you can look her in the eye with a straight face and lie to her like that -- you need some very serious help. Not the kind you will find from reading just what we have to say...but you need professional help. You sound to me as if you have a sexual addiction....not because you say you "won't" stop, but because you say you "can't." Everyone has complete and total control over what they choose to do or not do...but to keep on having affairs behind your wife's back is not only wrong...it is very cruel. You owe her an explanation and you owe her the truth. I'd say you owe her an apology as well, but since I honestly don't feel you are sorry for your actions, you might as well save that. Sorry if I was harsh, but what you have been doing is completely wrong and very insensitive. If you don't love her, let her go to find someone who will treat her with the love and respect she deserves....it seems as if you are not willing to do that anymore.

If no one else in the world matters, you are seriously hurting yourself. There will be dire consequences to living like this. No one can become one flesh with many and not have it erode the soul. It all ready sounds like it is effecting your ability to care properly for those most important in your life. Your conscience is being seared day after day and you will need bigger and bigger thrills when the worst things will become more and more tolerable to you. You do need professional help. Read about or watch anything on drug addictions and you will not be able to deny the parallels to what you are involved in.I will pray for you cause you are seriously destroying what is good and right for your life not to mention your wife and child.TW

wires4u, We are all flawed in one way or another, part of our life’s work is to find a way to live so that we do not damage others with our flaws. I believe that I can say that everyone here (at least the regulars) really does want to reach out to you and help you. And perhaps you will be able to help some of us too. It’s a fair exchange. This is a place where people have strong convictions and good intentions.Re…. “I admit that I am completely blinded by my obsession with other women. I just love the excitement of the whole thing when it's happening and forget about everything else.’What you call an ‘obsession’ is currently being called an ‘addiction’ in the psychology field. The term is not important, the research and progress made in the field is. There is a lot of help out there if you look in the right places.
One of the best sources for information and help in your situation is the book “Out of the Shadows, Understanding Sexual Addiction”, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. From the jacket…….. “Out of the Shadows, the first work ever published on sexual addiction, remains the premier text in the field. It is a completing, breakthrough work offering hope for those who had no hope and insight for those who want to learn how and why this addiction occurs. Dr. Carnes examines the tangled web of love, addictive sex, hate nd fear that is usually founded in family relationships. He details what happens and what to expect when sexual addiction is present. And he offers a way for addicts and codependents to deal with their sexual compulsions, as well as their whole life, to become more whole human beings.”From his web site… copied it because it lists his books…“Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., C.A.S., is a nationally known speaker on addiction and recovery issues. He is author of Open Hearts - Renewing Relationships With Recovery, Romance and Reality, (1999), Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, Revised Edition (1992), Contrary To Love: Helping The Sexual Addict, (1989), A Gentle Path Through The Twelve Steps For All People In The Process of Recovery, Revised Edition (1993), and Don't Call It Love: Recovery From Sexual Addiction, (1991) and his two current books Sexual Anorexia and Betrayal Bond. His first book on family systems entitled Understanding Us is regarded as a classic in family education and is now in many foreign editions. “RE…….. I know I have to do something before it blows up in my face. I want to do what's right; I just don't know what that is.Check out the Carnes material. Get yourself a counselor who is an expert in this area. Tell me, how important are your wife and your son to you? Do you want a family life? A healthy family life? If you do, then you are going to have to tell your wife, the sooner the better. I think it would be reasonable to lay some groundwork before you do… at least the “Out of the Shadows” book and “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. An appointment with Dr. Harley may help you too. See your counselor a couple of times so that he/she can help you and your wife through this discovery period.Those of use here who have lived through this could give you some pointers on how to come clean with your wife, what to expect and how to handle it.This must be very frightening for you. But if you brave the storm you will come out a much stronger man on the other side. Your marriage will be stronger too. Of course you risk that your wife will leave you. But that risk already exists, she is already aware that things are going on. Full disclosure is not far off. Better that you control when and how it happens. 98% of all marriages recover from affairs. The odds are in your favor… if you do the work required.JMHO

Morning Wires,
I am married to a serial cheater......
So what exactly do you want to know?
I would recommend you read Patrick Carnes. Very enlightening yet practical. It will give you some insight, a new look at your own behavior.
I think you need to learn about the addiction then take the steps to treat it regardless of if you choose to remain married. What is really missing that you are filling with sex?
aloha, cl

In response to the question of my age, I am 31 years old.Selfish, true. Immature, I am not sure. Irresponsible, definitely. I think the notion that I have a problem bonding emotionally is dead on. When I think about it, I do not feel emotionally bonded to anyone. I know I love the people around me, including my wife. But to say I feel emotion towards them is another thing all together. I have not always been this way. I can recall a time in mi life when I was probably over emotional, especially where women were concerned. I can remember a complete change in my perspective on things after being cheated on by a girlfriend that I was truly in love with. I don't feel that I have that in the back of my mind now. I don't think about it consciously, but who knows. Could I be acting out something?

wires4u - I have a similar problem to you. I have a lot of trouble emotionally bonding. I have been doing some research into it and I think it has to do with the way I was raised. I had an alcoholic father and both of my parents were emotionally unavailable, dad cheated and they divorced when I was 16. We got very little praise or attention. My relationship with my dad has always been shaky. Apparently I have co-dependency issues because of it, and I look for the attention to make me feel good. I am 31 also, and in good shape for my age (and, no I am not trying to brag), I get hit on a lot and it can be very hard to resist the temptation. I had an affair that I got caught in. The pain I caused my husband made me re-evaluate my ways. I, like you, rationalized that I didn't love my husband any less, I would do my best to separate myself from my M when I was with OM. The thing you have to really stop and think about is how your wife will feel if she finds out. Do you really not care that she will be devestated by this? How would you feel if she had been doing the same all along? That's whay I had to ask myself... would I want to envision my H making love to another woman the way I did with OM? Or even sharing the intimacies we did. The visions my H must be dealing with now, when I think about it I cringe. He used to look at me with such an innocent, un-inhibited look of love... now I feel like that look is tainted. It's something I can never take back. He said he never loved me any less when he found out, just now he sees me differently, knows what I am truly capable of. I will not bash you, but I would say it would benefit you greatly to get to the bottom of why you need this attention from other women.

Hi wires4u,I'm glad you are still posting. Any chance you are trying to prove to yourself that you can be with a woman and succeed in NOT getting emotionally involved. Like you may be trying to prove to yourself that you won't let a woman get close enough emotionally to hurt you again like your former GF.This emotional self-defense strategy might also be preventing you from dedicating yourself to your W on an emotionally intimate level. It is a hopeful sign that you truly do care for her. What are your thoughts about going to see a counselor, wires4u? Are you willing to give it a try? Making the decision to open up to someone can be intimidating, but you might need to take your first steps in self-analysis with a third party, someone who does not know you.If nothing else, look at your behavior from a selfish point of view. Are you content with who you are? Are you your best you? Are you strong enough to look for the best you? What do you want your child to think about you? Let us know what you think.Estes[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Estes49 ]

WHAT ABOUT DISEASE? AND PASSING SOMETHING ON TO YOUR UNSUSPECTING WIFE?

hi wires,
maybe you need to go back, process the pain that you hid when you were cheated on? Not all women are responsible for the pain your exgf caused you.
Maybe this is way off base, but I am just throwing out ideas, trying to help you.
My h had a lot of issues that he chose to not deal with. Sure, he thought he dealt with them! In retrospect he never did-he hoarded the pain so he could justify his affairs.
Make sense?
(((((hugs))))) cl

Okay then! Time for "Role Play", Wires.I am your old GF who dumped you. I had no idea I hurt you that bad. I want to hear what you have to say about what I did to you, how you felt ... spew away, I wanna hear it.Signed,
Wires Cheatin Old GF[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]

Wires,Sorry you felt criticised earlier...I'm sure after all these responses you can take things a little less defensively.As I read through everyones replies I felt really good about how youre progressing and I'm encouraged. Youve really changed in your attitude, for the best, so hang in there and keep pouring out your heart. No one knows you here so you can spill your guts.Have you booked in to see a good counselor yet?I know the role play thing sounded funny (I cracked up when I read it - not disrepesctfully) but I really recommend you make a response to it.Remember, this forum can support you and give you advice, but you need to get professional help above all. You need to have some sort of accountability to help you follow through the decisions you'll be making.Thinking of you each day! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]